❝i drag myself out of nightmares each morning and find there's no relief in waking.❞

-finnick odair, mockingjay

♛

FURY CHURNS INSIDE OF me like a tidal wave. As I storm back into the corridors of Alpha Station, the feeling threatens to swallow me whole. My mouth is twisted into the deepest of scowls as incredulity fills my brain.

Clarke has been gone for three months. Three months, fighting for her life in the woods because she thought it was the best thing for us. She figured that we'd survive better off without her. But not for a single second did she think to ask us what we wanted.

And I had wanted her to stay. It was the only thing I wanted in the entire world at that moment outside of Arkadia when she walked away from Bellamy and I.

All the anger I've been feeling in her absence has bubbled to the surface. I'm almost shaking with it- the fire coursing through my veins, bringing me under its licking flames with a cheshire grin. As if it means to manipulate me. Cause me to lash out even more than I already have.

I don't head for the center of the station, where there are certainly more people around. Instead, I stop at an empty intersection and lean my head against the wall, using an arm to prop the rest of my body up. The metal is cold against my heated skin. I force myself to take controlled breaths. In and out, slowly but surely, struggling to slow down the huffing coming out of my nose. I count to ten and release the breaths each time. My shoulders lose their tension. Whatever coiled itself around my body begins to loosen, to set me free from its ill-intending clutches. I feel a wave of calm extinguish the fire.

But as soon as that happens, I hear a surplus of panicked chatter in the distance. My feet are moving before I can fully comprehend it. It's like my body knows where to go without my brain having time to process what it's doing, and I run down corridor after corridor until I find the source.

And almost trip over Bellamy's crumpled figure on the floor.

"Oh my God," I gasp, immediately dropping to the ground in front of him. Concern floods my system as my hand reaches out to touch his face; I don't care about being on a break or not at a time like this. My doctoral instincts kick immediately as I observe the details.

Bellamy's form is positioned awkwardly as if he'd fallen suddenly. His arms are sprawled out near his abdomen. And judging by the way his body periodically jerks, I can assume that someone used an electric baton on him. A wince crosses my features; I know the feeling.

He spazzes once again, fingers twitching and jaw clenching tightly. My fingers hover just centimeters from his face. I can't touch him if he's still exhibiting signs of being electrocuted in case it shocks me as well. It wouldn't end well for either of us.

I quickly assess the area. Another guard named Sampson is unconscious nearby, but there's no sign of external injury from what I can see. His lifeless form is laying face-up so I can see his closed eyes. Whoever knocked him out had done it cleanly and swiftly.

My head jerks back toward Bellamy as a pained groan escapes his lips. He's stopped convulsing, so I safely cup his cheek and turn his face toward mine. His eyes blink open in confusion and blearily focus on me. He seems mildly surprised to see me.

"Who did this?" I question, my thumb absentmindedly stroking the skin of his temple. There's no time to even curse myself for doing so.

"O-Oc--" he manages to choke out, not needing to finish the name for me to understand. Octavia.

"Why?" The question comes out more harshly than I intend due to the urgency I feel. Why would his sister use an electric baton on him? Why knock out the other guard?

"Going... to turn in... Clarke."

Bellamy was going to turn Clarke in. I can't honestly say that I'm surprised, though I'm also not sure how to feel about it. I don't even know what benefits it would have other than satisfaction. Even that would fade within minutes.

Despite being angry beyond compare at Clarke, at the end of the day, she's still my best friend. But part of me still wants to show her just how much we've had to suffer in her absence. Maybe I've already done that by giving her my letters. They contain my most personal thoughts, my innermost fears and every flaw I've been trying to hide.

I glance down the hallway, pursing my lips in thought. Had the yelling come from people trying to find Clarke? And is she already gone?

My eyes eventually return back to Bellamy. I retract my palm from his face and instead clasp his hand in mine. "Come on," I order, helping him stand. He shakily gets to his feet.

"Where are we going?" he asks when I begin leading him in the opposite direction of the shouting.

"To Medical," I respond matter-of-factly. "What, you didn't think I'd just let you go like that, did you?"

"Maybe."

The journey to our destination is difficult due to how unstable Bellamy is on his feet; I'm lucky if I can get him to walk in a straight line for most of the time. Surprisingly, Abby isn't there when I reach Medical with Bellamy half-slumped onto one side of me. Jackson gives me a questioning raise of his eyebrows when I enter, my eyes quickly scanning the unusually empty facility. I don't respond to his silent inquiry and instead propose one of my own.

"Where's--" I begin to ask before stopping myself short. Abby must have known about Clarke's whereabouts. She's probably helping her sneak out at this moment. "Never mind. She had a...meeting. I forgot."

Jackson shakes his head, but doesn't seem skeptical of my haphazard lie. Bellamy scoffs at my horrible attempt at a coverup, to which I merely respond to by yanking him along with me to one of the empty cots lining the walls.

"I don't need treatment," he grumbles as he stumbles after me. His movements alone contradict his statement, so I shoot him a disbelieving look and motion to him to climb up on a bed. "I'm fine."

"You're walking like a baby deer," I point out as he heaves himself up onto the thin mattress with a grimace. "I just need to check for external injuries."

"I don't have any."

Again, I give him a pointed glare that he shuts up at. Bellamy sighs before relaxing and therefore allowing me to make a quick assessment of him. I already know that there isn't a head injury from when he'd fallen, but as for his stomach...

Without thinking twice, I reach for the hem of his shirt and yank it upward. He jumps in surprise as I glance over the area where the electric baton had touched him. Sure enough, there's a small but angry red burn developing on his abdomen.

"I couldn't feel that," he defends weakly when I point to the blotch, causing me to roll my eyes.

It's so much like old times that I feel my heart ache. Not times before Pike, but even before Mount Weather, when pointless bickering had been the norm between us. I wonder if he's thinking of the same thing judging by the sudden distance in his eyes.

My chest compresses. He doesn't notice me looking at him, which is what I prefer. It feels like it's been such a long stretch of time since I'd looked at him - really looked at him. There are more bags under his eyes like he hasn't gotten much sleep. His bronze skin appears thinner than normal, suggesting he hasn't been hydrated enough. And overall, there's just an...emptiness to him.

Emptiness. Like what I've been feeling ever since I suggested we go on a break.

I snap out of my thoughts and tell him, "I'd feel better if you stayed overnight- just in case."

He manages the smallest of smirks. "Worried about me, Amazon?"

The squeezing of my heart is so intense that I have to bite my lip and tilt my head down so my hair covers part of my features. A thousand emotions flicker across my face before I manage to smother them down with my most serious expression used with patients.

"Overnight."

And, like that, I force myself to step away before the tension eats me alive.

--

The next day, Abby and I have to perform a medical examination on Raven because it appears a miracle has happened. Abby gently twists her leg this way and that as the girl perches on the table in Medical. When she periodically asks her if there's any pain, Raven merely sits with a mystified smile on her face in response. No grimacing. No frowning. She's perfectly fine.

And it's impossible- I know it is. My stomach twists with nerves and confusion while I scribble down notes. If it wasn't impossible, Caleb wouldn't have an expression on his face like he swallowed a lemon.

The older boy is standing just behind Raven, meticulously watching Abby move her leg. His eyes are fixed and lips puckered like he's either thinking or trying not to frown. The gears are probably clicking and whirring in his mind as he attempts to process exactly what's happening.

Raven had told us she'd given in to Jaha's relentless persuading and taken the key to the City of Light- or the Chip, as some call it. Her pain had disappeared almost immediately as a result. There's no possible medical or scientific explanation for it. Surely that's what Caleb is thinking, judging by the fact he hasn't said a word since we started. He tends not to speak while deep in thought.

"How about now?" Abby questions as she slightly twists Raven's leg to the left. "Anything?"

"Nope," Raven replies somewhat smugly this time. "All good. Like I said, the pain's gone."

The doctor hums. "Your leg..."

"It still doesn't work, I know," Raven says with a twinge of sadness in her tone. "I just don't hurt anymore."

Caleb's gaze directs to the ground as she reaches for her brace to start putting it back on. However, Abby stops her to shine a small flashlight into her eyes. She complies rather exasperatedly and looks into it. I don't blame Abby, though- I'm still trying to wrap my head around this, myself.

"Pupils aren't dialated," she informs me so I can jot the note down.

Raven chuckles in disbelief. "Jaha gave me the key to the City of Light, guys, not drugs."

"May as well be the same thing," I mutter under my breath, to which she shoots me a playful glare for. I raise my hands in mock innocence. Caleb's eye catches mine, though, and he appears like he agrees.

"Let's see what the blood tests say," Abby suggests. Her idea is that the Chip is some sort of drug, like Raven had said, which can momentarily ease pain or give the illusion of doing so. However, so far, there have been no outward signs of it to prove the theory.

Raven's smile has started to turn into a frown at our reactions. Her eyes drift from Abby, to Caleb, to me. "I thought you'd be happy for me."

"Raven, of course we are," I say to her, shifting my weight to my other foot as I rest my hand by my thigh. The clipboard is still firmly clenched in it. "Your case is just very...special."

She raises an eyebrow at me before jumping down from the table with more enthusiasm than I've seen from her in a long time. "So, am I all clear?"

"Apparently," Abby responds. I can tell that she's reluctant to let her go, despite her words. For a situation as bad as Raven's to go from something so bad to this... "Let Sinclair know that I said it's okay for you to go back to work. But you're benched again if we find anything abnormal in those tests."

She gives us a grin. "You won't." Then, as she begins to head out, she calls, "C'mon, Caleb, those blown fuses and broken pipes won't fix themselves."

Caleb's impassive mask melts once she's out of the door. He immediately brings a thumb to his mouth as if he's going to nibble on the nail nervously, then ultimately decides against it. His eyebrows push together as he turns to us.

"If you find anything - anything - out of the ordinary, please tell me," he pleads, desperate eyes searching Abby's. I now understand that he's been hiding his true amount of concern from Raven for her benefit. He doesn't want her to know how skeptical he is- basically, as much as we are.

"Of course," she promises with a sympathetic undertone.

Caleb opens his mouth as if to say something, but presses his lips into a nervous line and walks out instead.

I run my hand down my face in exasperation. Bellamy had been gone when I reported to Medical this morning, so I haven't seen him yet today, although Jackson had informed me that he'd stayed all night. It brings me a small amount of relief that everything had been okay concerning him.

"I don't like this at all," Abby informs me. Her expression is grim, brown eyes locked on where Caleb had left.

"Neither do I," I confess, dropping my hand down to my side and accidentally toussling my hair in the process. It falls in messy strands in front of my face; I frustratedly push it back again and set the clipboard on the table with a clatter. "It's unnatural. It doesn't seem... human."

Abby nods in agreement. "I get the same idea from it. But if Caleb's going to be around her all the time, we know he's going to keep an eye out for anything unusual."

She never said anything about his return into my life except the initial questioning expression when he'd first showed up. I think she's noticed the changes in him as well, judging by what she just said. It's just another matter if she's forgiven him.

Because my mother and Abby were so close, I'd practically grown up with Clarke's parents being second guardians to me. My best friend cried when my dad was floated; I felt an emptiness when I'd learned of Jake's demise. The death of my mother has pushed Abby even further to fill in the maternal void that seems to be gaping nowadays.

Sometimes I forget about the absence of my parents. With my dad gone for six years now, and not having seen my mom in two due to lockup, my brain tricks itself into thinking their visits are just delayed. I'll see Mom when I get home tonight! Dad will be just around the corner, he's got to be here somewhere.

So much chaos lately has me aching for them. To hear my dad's laugh, to see his eyes crinkle at the corners when he smiles. To feel my mom's loving hugs again. Both of them died unfairly, and knowing that fact makes the pain even sharper. It wasn't their times.

"Fallon," Abby calls, and I finally blink back to reality this time. She's watching me with concern detectable in the crease between her eyebrows and the frown on her face. "Sweetheart, are you okay?"

Sweetheart. It's been so long since I've heard a term of endearment from her that my face immediately contorts in pain. Automatically, she pulls me into a hug and allows me to return the embrace with as much strength as I can muster. Both of us hold onto each other tightly.

My mom is gone. Her daughter is serving an impossible task between two nearly opposing sides. It seems that in terms of family, all we have is each other. And even though she'll never be CeCe Rivers, and I'll never be Clarke Griffin, we can still attempt to fill the voids in our hearts with the family we've made on our own.

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NOTE: the second half is not edited because i won't have time and i really wanted to get this up for you guys!

lolololol this chapter is such a filler !!!! literally i just wrote 2 seconds of episode 5 and started on 6 (barely) so ha yay

something is gonna happen soon that i think will make you all really happy!!!

-kristyn