❝he looks at her and sees everything he's ever wanted. he looks at himself and sees nothing she deserves.❞

-unknown

♛

ABBY'S HAND IS STEADY as she finishes up the last threads of Lincoln's stitches. What was once a gaping wound is now a jagged line of crisscrossed black framed by dark, maroon blotches of dried blood. Just looking at it causes me to wince. However, Lincoln seems completely unfazed and leans against the table with his arms folded over his chest indifferently.

"No," he answers in response to Kane's question. "No charges."

"Lincoln, we need to set an example," the older man attempts to reason.

"Yeah, we do," Pike agrees pointedly. "The man just lost his son, Marcus."

"That is no excuse for throwing a goddamn rock at someone's head," I fire back without hesitation. "You said it yourself- we don't attack our own people, and Lincoln's one of us."

At that moment, Octavia strides in, appearing concerned and somewhat panicked. Her voice clearly cuts through the current conversation. "What happened?"

Ignoring the question, Lincoln mutters, "I said no charges."

"Thank you," Pike says. He gives Kane an accomplished look before starting to walk out of Medical, almost running into Nyko on his way out. The two share a tense gaze before Pike steps aside and exits.

Abby leaves to assist some of the other patients. Sensing the need for a private conversation between Lincoln and Octavia, I give the former a nod of encouragement before turning away as well.

Nyko raises his hand in acknowledgment. I lift my lips into a tired grin in response. "How are you?"

"Exhausted," he replies, and he looks like it, too. Dark rims of purple beneath his bottom eyelids make them appear to bug out. His pale skin is papery thin. It doesn't surprise me that he looks like this; he has been working extremely hard to help the Grounders in our care who cannot speak English. Because I'm rusty and Abby is nowhere near fluent, his work has aided us tremendously.

"Thank you for all you've been doing to help," I tell him sincerely.

He nods. "Of course. Skaikru has medicine we never would have dreamed of using, and it continues to interest me."

"Maybe if you stick around for a bit longer, I can show you some of the ropes," I propose with a sly smile. He shrugs in response.

That's the end of our conversation. When I look back at Octavia, she appears troubled, but spins on her heel and storms out soundlessly before I can question her attitude.

"Rivers, report to the North Gate," Kane's voice suddenly orders from the radio at my hip. "Bring a weapon."

I glance at Abby, who is holding a damp cloth to a feverish Grounder woman's forehead. I can tell the doctors would benefit from an extra hand. Despite this, she nods at me.

"Go," she urges gently. "With everything going on lately, we'll need all the guards we can get." Then, she glances at Nyko, taking in his exhausted appearance. "Lincoln, can you come translate? Nyko has his hands full."

Lincoln nods and turns to the place Octavia had just been standing. Instead, he faces empty air and tries to hide the disappointment that's beneath the surface of his facial expressions.

"If you need me, just call," I say to Abby and tap my walkie. She gives an affirming nod, silently ordering me from Medical. After giving Nyko and Lincoln looks of reassurance, I turn on my heel and walk out of the room.

Since I went straight there from the funeral, I don't have my uniform and therefore need to make a short stop by my room to grab it. The hallways are eerily empty due to the fact that almost everyone has gone back to work. However, I still pass the occasional person, though we don't acknowledge one another.

I make it to the room I share with Bellamy, noting the piece of paper taped to the wall labeled 2986: BLAKE/RIVERS to the right of the door. It always fills me with an unexplained happiness when I see it, no matter how small.

Bellamy lifts his head at the sound of the door opening. He had previously been staring at the floor, elbows on his knees and hands folded as he sits on the edge of our bed. The skin directly beneath his eyes is red and almost raw. There's no question he had been thinking about the funeral.

"What're you doing back early?" he asks, wiping his eyes with the backs of his hands and sitting up straighter. His voice is somewhat hoarse. I can tell he hadn't been expecting me to be here right now.

I close the door behind me with a soft click. "Kane called me in." A pause. "You should come."

"No." He shakes his head, sniffling and once again turning his head to the floor. "I can't."

A voice in my head warns, Don't push it, so I nod instead and carefully sit beside him. My hand automatically finds its place in his. His calloused skin is so familiar that I have unintentionally memorized every line, every rough edge. The fact that his grip tightens on mine sends a wave of reassurance through me. I put my left hand on his shoulder in an attempt to provide as much comfort as I can.

"I thought you said--"

"Kane can wait," I tell him firmly. "If he really needed me that badly, he would have said so. Besides, I can just say I was helping Abby for a little longer."

Bellamy lifts the corner of his lip as an effort to grin. It sort of works. But then he appears suddenly perturbed like before, biting the inside of his lip like words are threatening to burst from them and he doesn't know whether or not to speak. He ultimately chooses the former.

"Caleb seemed like a half-decent guy," he admits. Surprise fills me at the fact that he used his real name- something he hadn't done since they met. And here I genuinely thought he had no interest in correcting himself.

"He was," I reply, my heart sinking like a rock in a body of water. "I just wish I would have fully appreciated that instead of judging his character from three years ago."

Bellamy's grip tightens again. "I'm sure he likes hearing that."

His radio suddenly turns on, rudely interrupting the nostalgic and heavy atmosphere so abruptly that it causes me to jump. Monroe's voice emits from the speaker. "Bellamy, Octavia is planning on heading out and meeting the Grounder army. She'll be at the North Gate any second."

"Shit," Bellamy curses under his breath. He unclips the walkie from his belt before responding, "We'll be there."

There's really no explanation needed for the 'we', so I jump up, grab my jacket and rifle, and head out the door with him.

Once we get out the main doors of the Ark, it doesn't take long to reach the gate considering our quick walking pace. Bellamy's natural protectiveness over Octavia causes him to move slightly faster. The uneven ground would normally cause dull pain to shoot up my feet from the dozens of rocks breaking the surface of the grass, but the thick soles of my boots prevent any discomfort. This helps me make more abundant strides.

Sure enough, Octavia is there already. She seems to be pleading with Harper and Monroe, who are the ones on duty. That's a good sign; neither of them would easily give into Octavia's clever persuasions.

"Screw your orders," O sneers with a sharp edge to her voice. "Harper, we're not prisoners anymore."

"Octavia, there's an army out there," Harper argues back sternly. She's practically the perfect guard- not only is she more than capable with a gun, she's also one to hold her ground.

"That's where she's going," Bellamy states, stopping at the edge of the trail closest to the gate.

Octavia glances at Bellamy and gives the two a look of disbelief. "You called my brother?"

"You're lucky it was us and not Kane," I say.

Octavia rolls her eyes. As she starts to turn around, Monroe sarcastically exclaims, "You're welcome!" which only seems to aggravate her more. It's kind of amusing, almost, to see her caught red-handed.

"What are you doing?" Bellamy asks in an effort to get his sister to talk. "It's not safe out there."

She turns sharply on her heel and sweeps an arm around. "It's not safe in here." A step toward him. "Not for me. Not anymore."

"How can you still trust them?" He questions in a slightly quieter voice. A chill goes down my spine. By 'them,' he undoubtedly means the Grounders.

"Be--" I try to intervene, but Octavia does so for me.

"What are you talking about?" she demands in an incredulous tone. "That's Trikru out there. Indra."

"They're all Grounders," Bellamy fires back. "Your friends in Trikru betrayed us, too. They abandoned us in Mount Weather. They killed thirty-something of our friends before that."

"What about Lincoln?"

"Lincoln's different."

"Yeah?" Octavia raises her eyebrows. "Tell that to the guy who split his head open today and the people who defended him!"

"That shouldn't have happened- no question," Bellamy agrees. "But when our lives are on the line, Pike's people will have our backs. Can you honestly say Indra would?"

Either defeated or exasperated with the argument, Octavia shakes her head and begins to walk away from her brother. Harper, Monroe, and I exchange looks of discomfort at the tension between the two siblings. Although I was prepared for O to give up a fight, I wasn't expecting for the disagreement to go so deep.

"Fal, you staying?" Bellamy inquires, causing me to snap my head toward him.

I tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear and nod. "Yeah. I got called in, remember?"

"Kane wants more guards at the entrance because of the attack at Mount Weather," Monroe explains. "Better to be safe than sorry with that army."

Bellamy's lips pull into a line. "Be safe."

Just that simple sentence is enough to warm my heart. "I will."

As he walks back toward the Ark, I adjust my rifle comfortably in my arms and take a position beside Harper. Being on patrol is somewhat of an easy job- look intimidating, know who should be in and out at what times, and prevent any little kids from running into the electric fence.

I notice Pike stop Bellamy on his way and watch curiously as he mutters something I can't hear from my position. Whatever it is, Bellamy agrees to it and the pair head toward the bar. My eyes squint.

"What's that about?" Harper asks. Her eyes follow them as they walk inside.

"I have no idea," I confess with a sigh. "But something tells me that if Pike heard what just went on, it can't be good."

--

The afternoon turns to dusk, which then brings nightfall. The air is still except for the occasional breeze that ruffles my hair. Except for the incident with Octavia at the beginning of my shift, nothing particularly interesting has happened except Lincoln joining us.

"When is the army supposed to get here?" Monroe questions, trying not to sound bored.

"No idea," I respond. "There's a lot of them, so probably sometime later tomorrow."

Lincoln agrees. "It usually takes two or three days for a transport like that. And if they're coming from Polis, it should be exactly that."

Something catches Harper's eye. "Um," she begins nervously with a swallow. "What the hell is that?"

She nods her head forward. Monroe and I turn to see a mass of shadows heading toward us, the outside lights just barely illuminating their faces. The sound of weapons clinking sparks alarm to my chest. However, what causes my veins to freeze is the fact that Bellamy's figure is at the head of that crowd. Beside Pike.

The four of us step forward to meet the group. There are about twenty-five of them altogether, with guns in their hands. Bellamy stares hard into Lincoln's eyes. He appears confident, but the fact that he doesn't look at me and fights to keep his eyes away signals that he's not as calm as he wants us to believe.

"You need to step aside right now," he orders in a level tone.

"What are the guns for?" Harper demands, getting straight to the point. Her mouth is twisted in distaste.

"There's an army out there," he replies. "We need to hit them before they hit us."

My head jerks forward a bit, eyebrows furrowing at his straightforwardness. The hell happened during Pike's talk with Bellamy?

"That army was sent to protect us," Lincoln retaliates.

"Do we have a problem?" Pike questions. Somewhere along the line, he had stepped back slightly.

"No," Bellamy declares certainly. Then, to Lincoln, "I have always done what is best for us. I need you to trust that I'm doing that now."

"And I need to trust that you cleared this with the Chancellor," I pipe in, feeling nerves rise even higher when he still doesn't look at me. I don't understand why he hadn't talked to me about this beforehand. Maybe what stings the most is that I can't remember the last time he kept something from me.

Silence. So they didn't.

"By the rules that we, as guards, agreed to follow, I cannot allow unauthorized missions past the gate," I continue. That was probably the most hypocritical thing I've ever said- how many unauthorized missions have I been on, myself?

Bellamy's eyes flicker to my other companions. "Monroe." She nods, retreating into the crowd. His eyes move. "Harper."

Her brown eyes are filled with apologies but she doesn't look at us. "Sorry, guys."

My hands are cold as ice as she walks away. It's just Lincoln and I standing in the way, now.

My head is swirling so violently I don't know if I can even think clearly. This has to have been planned. And why is Bellamy leading them?

"You too," Pike says, addressing the two of us. "Lincoln, you wanna prove you're one of us, let us pass."

"Lincoln has already proven himself, thanks," I snipe back, anger turning in my chest. Pike knows next to nothing about what Lincoln has done for us.

But my friend simply reaches back and puts a gentle hand on my arm to silence me. "I'm not moving."

Immediately, a young man at the front of the group raises his rifle to Lincoln with a sneer. "Get out of the way, Grounder."

Wrong move. He gives a shout as Lincoln yanks the gun from his hands, hitting him in the head with it. The clank is what springs me into action. I release my own gun, letting its strap be its only support. The time it takes for me to stand in front of Lincoln is all he needs to have the guy in a headlock. A blade gleams against his throat. Every single member of Farm Station raises their weapons.

"Guns down, guns down!" Bellamy roars, turning toward the crowd and outstretching a hand.

Pike has his arm out as well. "Do what he says. Now."

They all listen to him, though obviously not wanting to. Hannah Green even proclaims, "So much for the good Grounder."

I glare fiercely at her, unable to help it even if she is Monty's mom. Lincoln was provoked and this is the way he was raised to react.

In the brief second Pike tells her to be quiet, I turn my head toward Lincoln and minutely shake my head at the knife. He glances down at the radio near my hip but doesn't waver his stance. I get the message. After making sure Bellamy is still turned around, I reach toward the device and press the contact button three times.

"Whose people are you defending here?" Pike questions.

"Lincoln, put down the knife," Bellamy commands. "No one has to get hurt here."

Funny, considering they're going to slaughter an army.

That thought sends a spike of realization through me. This is the first time since we first landed on the ground that Bellamy and I have disagreed on something. I just don't understand why he's doing this.

"Your friends in Trikru betrayed us, too. They abandoned us in Mount Weather. They killed thirty-something of our friends before that."

So that's why. A new realization dawns on me, and I allow myself to look deep into Bellamy's eyes to search them. I see an abyss of pain, hurt, and anger. They are a churning storm of so many emotions that I can hardly comprehend them all. Maybe this is a new side of Bellamy I haven't seen before, which is why this entire situation is throwing me off so much.

I blink. Mere nanoseconds have passed.

"I can't let you start a war," Lincoln responds simply.

"We're already at war!" Pike fights back.

"You can't stop this," Bellamy adds.

I make a desperate attempt at reasoning with him. "Death doesn't always have to be the solution."

"It is for us if we let them come," he answers, to my surprise. His eyes finally lock with mine. It seems like a century we are trapped in a zone where time is nothing important. A zillion feelings rise at once as I try so desperately to find the Bellamy I know in him.

An angry, loud buzz cuts off that moment. It echoes from the loudspeakers above as a male voice reports, "All unstationed security personnel report to the main gate."

Octavia suddenly emerges from the crowd, taking in Lincoln still holding the man with a knife, me standing in front of him, and her brother on the other side. She stops beside me and glares at him as the announcement continues blaring in the background. "What's wrong with you?"

He looks away, head lowered and jaw tense. The sound of guns loading fills the air as the rest of the guards swarm the area. I straighten up now that the main focus is no longer on Lincoln and I.

"Calm down, people," Pike orders as he drops his own weapon and raises his arms in surrender. "Guns on the ground. On the ground."

"Lincoln," Kane calls to him. So he did get my message. "It's alright- let him go."

He does so with a grunt, releasing the man and putting away his knife.

Abby stops and stands in front of Pike. Her expression alone expresses her rage, lines of anger cut deep into her face. "What hell do you think you're doing?"

"What you didn't have the guts to," he asserts.

I glance at Octavia, who is still standing in slight horror at the scene in front of her. The tensions have only increased with the presence of Abby, Kane, and everyone else.

"Guards, take them to lockup," Abby commands without looking away from Pike. "Now."

Although I can't participate in the arrests because I'm still technically on duty, I can watch. There is not an ounce of regret on the people's faces. They believe that they are doing the right thing by taking down the army.

A man named Johnson handcuffs Bellamy. I look away.

"Everybody back to your quarters," Abby announces to the rest of the people in attendance. "It's over."

"Nothing is over!" Pike argues back. The two men leading him away stop. "We are surrounded by warriors that want us dead."

"That's enough!" Kane shouts sharply, taking a step forward.

"No, it isn't," he disagrees. "Not even close! Why don't you show us all what you let the Grounders do to you yesterday? Come on, Kane! I think the people who are about to vote for you have a right to know."

A few distant encouragements rise from the group gathered around him. Kane turns his back to Pike and rolls up the sleeve of his jacket to the elbow. This action reveals the mark burned into his skin, a dark red design of two rings entwined at the center of a circle.

"It's the mark of the Commander's coalition," he explains for all those who are present. "It means we are the thirteenth clan. It means we are in this fight together."

"No." Pike shakes his head. "It's what farmers used to do to their livestock."

"Right before the slaughterhouse!" Hannah adds loudly.

I swallow. The air itself is cool, but sweat is beginning to dot the back of my neck.

"Pike for Chancellor!"

"He's right!"

The pale man who aimed the gun at Lincoln pauses near Pike. "Sir, you should be on the ballot tomorrow."

"I vote for Pike!"

"That's enough," Abby dismisses the man.

"Pike for Chancellor!"

Her eyes burn into Pike's. "Take him away."

It's Bellamy's voice I hear next. He begins a chant that chills my bones, making me both hot and cold at the same time. "Pike! Pike! Pike!"

More people join in the chant until there's a loud mass of voices filling the air. I even catch Monroe's mouth move in unison, though so faintly I can hardly tell. She and Harper have escaped their arrests due to the fact that they have guard uniforms on.

My shift ends in five minutes. As the people of Farm Station are being led away, I can only imagine how empty our room will feel tonight without Bellamy in it.

-------

GUYS WHOA I FINALLY FINISHED THIS AFTER LITERALLY 4 MONTHS OF WRITING IT I'M SO PROUD EVEN IF IT'S ALL OVER THE PLACE

also,,,if you think you know what side fallon's on,,,just you wait ((;

-kristyn