❝tonight, when the battle is over / who will count the casualties? / let mothers weep for their sons / alone / tonight / we learn - heroes are selfish and hungry / they will get their glory / and they will write it in our blood.❞

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CALEB WAKES WITH MINIMAL complaining, a fair amount of groaning, and a lot of confusion. Apparently he barely remembers getting to Arkadia in the first place. This calls for an explanation from Abby concerning everything that has happened up to this point - or, as much of an explanation as she can give. We still hardly know how he got back.

Because Caleb Jones is Caleb Jones, he can't stand being contained in Medical. This means I have to walk him around. It's mostly for reassurance that he doesn't try to run, actually comes back, and doesn't do anything stupid that will injure him more.

Jackson has claimed he's too busy for the job. What an ass.

Unsurprisingly, the first thing Caleb wants to do is see Raven, even when I try to explain that she's working and I can't really bother her.

"Sinclair has a heart," Caleb attempts to reason with me. His eyes are pleading with me. "He'll understand."

I roll my eyes. "You are insufferable."

He knows that means yes, so he lights up.

It's still weird to be around him again, but the fact that I can use so much sarcasm is a sign that I'm progressively becoming more comfortable. I suppose the natural charisma he's always had is part of the reason I've been able to reconnect with him so easily. It's just an odd thought that my ex-boyfriend had a complete conversion and is now head-over-heels for one of my best friends.

Please. I'm not blind.

I have to lead him to the garage due to the fact that he doesn't fully know his way around the newly-reformed Ark yet. He must still be in a lot of pain, but doesn't show it at all. His face is instead masked with an undertone of excitement that makes me shake my head.

I stop at the door, instead gesturing for him to open it. Caleb doesn't hesitate before firmly putting his hand on the knob and pushing his way into the garage. The usual clamor of work meets my ears as he steps in, me following behind.

"Raven is always fixing that damn Rover," I inform him over the noise. "She should be over there."

I point in the general direction of the three identical cars, two of which are useless and don't work under any circumstances, but Raven keeps them around anyway. He squints.

"Which one?"

"That," I say with a grin, "is something you'll have to figure out for yourse--"

I cut myself off as Miller, Bryan, and Bellamy suddenly turn the corner and come to an abrupt stop once they see us. Bellamy's eyes are just about to bug out of his head at the sight of Caleb. Bryan, on the other hand, appears ecstatic.

"Jones!" he greets joyfully before pulling the broader, taller boy into a hug. "Thought you burned to a crisp."

"Almost did," Caleb admits with a twinge of despair in his voice. I can see just through this simple interaction how close of friends they are.

Miller clears his throat.

Caleb takes the hint to release Bryan and holds out a hand. "You must be Nathan Miller, and in that case, don't worry. Bryan's my type" - Miller's eyes narrow to slits - "but he's been telling me stories about you ever since I met him. It's an honor to finally meet you."

Miller, slightly impressed by that last part, shakes his hand.

Caleb then turns to Bellamy. There's an awkward, horrible beat of time in which neither of them says a word. But to everyone's surprise (and especially Caleb's), Bellamy breaks into a grin and claps him on the shoulder.

"Glad you're not dead, Cactus."

Caleb returns the smile a bit wryly. "So am I, Beachball."

Immediately after, Caleb heads toward the line of Rovers like he can't wait any longer. I decided to let him go on his own- his reunion with Raven was more personal. I shouldn't intrude.

"He helped to keep me alive, Nate," Bryan says to his boyfriend, who still appears slightly weary. "We can trust him."

Miller nods. The two boys head out of the garage, leaving Bellamy and I alone.

The worst part is that it's awkward. Never before had I felt this way around him; words usually come easily to us, but now it's like I have so much to say that I can't speak at all. He must feel the same way. I can see gears turning in his head behind his guarded eyes.

Guarded. From me. There's something he doesn't want me to see, something he's hiding.

"Are you coming back to our room tonight?" Is what I manage to get out.

He nods. "Will you be there?"

"'Course."

I hate it. He must, too, because he nods again before walking around me and exiting the garage.

Only then do I feel like I can breathe again.

--

Caleb never reports back to Medical after seeing Raven. He has vanished, seemingly into thin air. Not even she knows where he went. He apparently hadn't hinted that he was leaving at all.

"Good," Lincoln praises as the point of the blade hits just left of the center. "Try again. Keep your arm straight."

Now, I stand outside of Arkadia's electric fence with Lincoln, where he's been teaching me how to throw knives for about two months. It's a surprising method of catharsis; somehow, hurling the weapons at targets releases all of the stress in me. It's usually exactly what I need.

Except my head doesn't want to clear itself this time.

I release a breath, trying to relax my tense muscles and stiff shoulders. The next knife is loose in my hand. I barely have to look at it to make sure my fingers are in the correct placement anymore. By now, it just feels right.

Octavia learned how to throw a sword. I'll be damned if I can't do the same with knives.

Another breath. Lincoln says, "You've got it."

He says it like it's a fact. And I do. I position my arm, keeping my eye at the center of the target, and I barely have to think before the blade rotates in the air. It sticks to the bullseye, just beside my last one.

Relief flows through me like some sort of cleanser. Lincoln gives me a nod of approval before taking the weapons out of the tree and having me try again. But the thoughts keep coming back, haunting me as if something is constantly poking at the back of my mind. I take the troubles and turn them into the force needed for my throws.

Caleb going missing.

Throw.

Bellamy and I on bad terms.

Throw.

Clarke in Polis.

Throw.

Mount Weather.

Throw.

Pulling that lever-

I miss. The blade spins a pathetic distance away from the tree itself. I would be embarrassed at how bad it was if I had any other teacher except Lincoln. He is patient, understanding, and insightful. He simply looks at the target and then back at me with a knowing expression.

"You've got things on your mind," he observes. Again, he says it like a fact. Which it is.

I sigh, somehow working up a wry comment. "How did you know?"

"We should stop for today." Lincoln starts to head over to take the knives from the tree. He begins removing them swiftly, plucking the blades from the bark.

"What?" I don't bother to hide the disappointment in my voice. "No!"

He turns to me disapprovingly. "Fallon, throwing while unfocused is one of the worst things you can do. Besides, I don't need to lose any more of Kane's weapons." Even if his face is serious, I can see the twinge of amusement under his features. "Go pick it up."

Our friendship feels like a whole lot of him instructing and me following. I'm briefly reminded of when he led Bellamy and I to the intake doors before violently shoving the memory away. Sure, there's a lot of him acting like my teacher, but there's still a close relationship between us. Just like when I cleaned his wounds in the dropship all those months ago, we have a mutual agreement to protect each other. It just comes naturally.

"Sha, ticha," I respond with a teasing smile. Lincoln doesn't roll his eyes, but instead looks away with the ghost of a smile on his lips.

It just comes naturally.

I go back to retrieve the knife, struggling to find it in the long blades of grass. There isn't any sunlight to glint off the blade; today the sky is filled with gray clouds. Eventually, I succeed in collecting it and bring it back to Lincoln. But his attention is on something else.

I don't know how we didn't hear them coming. It's Farm Station, though other people seemed to have joined the group considering there are more than had gathered at the gate before. I'm able to pick out the silhouette of Bellamy instantly, along with Hannah, Pike, and....

Caleb.

Even though he's far away, I can still see there's something wrong. The others are stoic, expressionless, and walk with conviction. Even from near the trees I can tell his mouth is open in a gape. His jaw is trembling, eyes wide.

"They're holding weapons," Lincoln observes with an edge to his voice. The lighthearted atmosphere has vanished. "Chek au jus."

I look more closely at the figures marching toward Arkadia, and notice with sickening realization that there is, in fact, blood splattered on their clothing.

"I think I know where they just came from," I whisper. A lump begins to form in my throat; I feel my chest begin to feel cold.

"Me too."

"Hey, you two!" Pike calls from the back of the group. He seems more relaxed than the others, hands comfortable at his sides rather than tense as the others seem to be. "Come inside. You shouldn't be beyond the walls."

"Looks like your training's over for today," Lincoln comments with his eyes glued to Pike's retreating figure. His jaw is set; the expression on his face is guarded and hard with anger.

As soon as we pass the North Gate back into Arkadia, Pike orders, "Lock it up!" and the men working the gate immediately begin to close it. The confused chatter in the air informs me that some people haven't caught on, yet.

I notice Bellamy standing still in the middle of a crowd of moving people. His expression is unreadable, eyebrows drawn together. There are dark smudges dusting his cheeks and crimson blotches on his vest. A speckle of blood is on his jawline, but something tells me it's not his.

Caleb crosses Bellamy's path. I had been right about him before- he seems way more outwardly troubled than the rest of them. His face is also covered with a light layer of dust, but parts of it have been cleaned away. By tears, I realize suddenly, and then see them still glistening in his eyes. Whatever weapon he'd had is gone. His seafoam green eyes are wide and filled with disbelief at what he'd just done.

Bellamy tries to reach for him, maybe to pat him on the shoulder, but Caleb is the one to shove him away and take off for Alpha Station.

"I'll go after him," I say to Lincoln. "You get Octavia before she realizes what happened."

He nods, leaving me to push through the heavy crowd toward the automatic doors of the Ark. I ignore Bellamy's stare that follows my every move as I race toward Caleb.

He's fast and I hate him for it. Especially because he's desperate, his long legs take him farther than mine can, even with my speed. The only reason that I'm able to catch up to him at all is that he eventually loses control and crashes into the wall of an empty hallway.

I slow to a stop as he slides to the floor. Caleb's hands shake violently in time with his jaw. He can't steady his breathing, maybe due to the tears still cascading down his cheeks and washing away the grime on them.

"Caleb," I say, and his eyes snap to me as if he's just realizing I'm there. "What happened?"

Even though I already know the gist of it, I want details. I have a feeling I could never get them from Bellamy.

"We killed them," he informs in a trembling voice that's barely audible. He curls his hands into fists to try and stop the shaking.

"All of them?" I question, my heartbeat sparking up in fear of his answer.

"No," he responds through an exhale. "But we only left one- Indra, the woman you came with when we first saw you guys. Bellamy s-saved her for his sister. But she's still wounded; I don't think she can move--"

Caleb cuts himself off with an anguished sob. He wipes his face with the heels of his hands, smudging the tear stains and coating them with dirt.

"I - I was so angry," he explains without looking at me. Instead, his gaze fixes on the wall behind me. "The Grounders nearly blew me up. They killed all those people in Mount Weather, the children when we landed. Raven told me how they abandoned you guys." A hiccup. "Left you to pull the lever. I was blinded by rage. But those people out there- some of them couldn't have been older than sixteen."

I don't know how to feel. So many emotions are coming over me at once: confusion, disappointment, astonishment, and an entire list of ones I can't decipher. That's why I'm unable to answer and instead stare at him, wide-eyed. I don't know how to comfort him. I don't know if I should.

Caleb's eyes finally lock onto mine. "Go. Please. I just - I need to be by myself."

I straighten, give him a nod, and leave him in the hallway.

--

I've had all day to think. Because I've been positioned at the back of Arkadia for patrol, there's no action. It gives me many, many hours to sort my tangled mess of thoughts out.

It's still not enough time to gather the strength to face Bellamy tonight.

As I sit on the bed after my shift and wait patiently for him to arrive, I stare at my hands and twiddle my thumbs. I've been uncharacteristically quiet all day. I don't know how to feel or what to say. My instincts and morals are rioting against each other so fiercely that I can feel it tearing up my brain. 

I'm not given much longer to think about it. Soon enough, the sound of the door buzzing at it unlocks snaps me out of my daze, and it opens to reveal Bellamy.

For once, my heart does not jump at the sight of him. I don't know what to do about that.

In fact, I had considered writing a note instead of speaking to him face-to-face, but I remembered my agreement to be in our room tonight and stopped before I could begin the first letter. I told him I'd be there. I never said I'd stay.

I'm the first one to speak. "I'm not mad."

Bellamy carefully takes off his jacket and sets it aside. "I know you're not. You're disappointed."

There's the word. I nod, biting my lip unsurely. I wish my feelings about this ordeal would sort themselves out already so I'd know how to carry on this inevitable conversation. Instead, the words come out before I can think about them clearly.

I never said I'd stay.

"I...I think I'm going to stay somewhere else," I say slowly. It's like I can barely will myself to speak. "For a few days."

And that, I can tell, is what breaks the demeanor Bellamy has held up all day.

"Fallon," he says desperately, and I look up to see his eyes already pleading. Begging me to change my mind. Then, as sudden fear crashes into him, his face screws up. "Are you...afraid of me?"

"I could never be afraid of you," I tell him honestly. And it's true- whatever he does, he could never make me fear him. "We both just need some time apart, I think. To clear our heads."

Bellamy doesn't seem to fully comprehend what's going on. "You're breaking up with me."

"No," I decline quickly, maybe even a little too forcefully. My legs are forcing me to stand and cross the room to him without my brain telling them to. Soon enough, my hands clasp his. "No, Bell, it's not that at all. I'm not breaking up with you, okay? Look, there's just so much going on that it might be good for us to just be able to think. You've sensed it too- I know you have." I don't have to elaborate because he immediately catches on to what I mean- the awkwardness around us caused by the almost opposing sides we're on. "It'll do us both some good."

Bellamy shakes his head. "Where are you gonna go?"

And just like that, I'm back outside Arkadia with him. He'd said those exact same words to Clarke before she left. Left us to deal with the weight of all of our mistakes. And when she had the option to go back, she didn't choose us.

I don't realize I'm crying until his thumbs brush my cheeks. It brings me back to the present, away from the thoughts that won't cease pounding my head.

This is why it needs to happen. I feel like everything is winding me up, and I don't want him to be hurt when I explode.

"If this isn't a breakup, why are you crying?" Bellamy asks in an attempt to lighten the mood. There's a kind of sad smile on his face, ironically enough. It only makes me cry harder.

And just like I had during our first war with the Grounders, I pull him closer and kiss him to prevent myself from saying something dumb back. My fists curl around his shirt tightly. And soon I can taste the salt of his own tears as well as my own.

When I pull back, I am not breathless and I do not feel stupid. One of my hands lightly brushes Bellamy's curls. "I love you."

The sad smile again. "I love you, too."

My heart clenches.

------

ouch.

by the way, be sure to check out my oc's book if you haven't already! there are some fun things about fallon and caleb in there ((:

-kristyn

TRANSLATIONS:

Sha, ticha: Yes, teacher.

Chek au jus: Look at the blood.