❝sometimes it is an act of bravery even to live.❞

-seneca, roman philosopher

♛

NO MATTER WHAT I'M doing, either tidying up Medical or treating a patient, my mind travels back to Raven's sudden loss of pain. I paged Sinclair to ask him if Caleb could send me updates on her condition.

I tap my fingers restlessly on the table I'm sitting at. A tablet displaying one of the Ark's many medical textbooks lays before me; I'm supposed to be catching up on the readings I've missed due to all of the chaos lately. Usually I can focus fairly easily on them, immersing myself in the text to distract my brain from my problems, but now my eyes jump around the screen restlessly. I find myself unable to focus on a paragraph for longer than a few seconds at most. I've read the same sentence over and over again twenty times until the words blend together and I have to blink hard to clear my vision again.

It doesn't help that my radio sits beside the device, taunting me. I keep sneaking glances at it as if I can telepathically will Caleb into contacting me. Two sides of me are at a violent war with each other, causing utter turmoil inside of my head as they clash. The first aches for it to beep so there'll be an update. The second hopes there won't be a need to use it at all.

"Fallon."

I push my chair back from the desk, causing a scraping sound as the metal skids across the floor. A hand rakes through my hair at Abby's cautious voice. "I know."

"You should go," she advises, eyeing the radio. "It looks like today will be a slow day- Jackson and I will take it from here."

I shake my head. "No, Abby–"

"That's an order."

A defeated sigh falls from my lips as my eyes stare down at my thumbs, which twiddle anxiously in my lap. It's a habit I've been trying to adopt to keep them from shaking. It's a lot less painful than clenching my hands into fists.

"Alright," I concede quietly.

Abby watches every movement I make as I pack up my things. The tablet goes tucked under my arm while I clip the radio back onto my belt, resisting the urge to connect to Mecha as soon as I come in contact with the small device. Three clicks would be all it would take for Caleb's voice to sound from the other side with a report on Raven. Three clicks I force myself not to make.

"It's for your own good," she assures me softly. I nod in understanding, though avoid her careful gaze as I breeze past her and exit through the automatic door.

I'm unsure going to do now with the rest of the day off. With everyone still working, there aren't many people I can talk to. I'm not even convinced I can finish my reading with how sidetracked my mind is.

I need a drink.

Later, the more rational part of my brain chastises. Even though it's only almost noon, I've felt like this day has stretched on and on endlessly. Barely anything has been achieved today; maybe that's why it feels like it will never come to a close.

In the end, I decide to make a pit stop at the room I now share with Harper and Monroe. Maybe a better amount of sleep will clear my head. At the mere thought of rest, my body begins to crave it, though I know it's a futile wish. My nightmares have gotten increasingly worse to the point where I'm shocked my screams haven't woken either of my roommates.

Sometimes, I wake in a cold sweat. Others I'm choking on my own sobs. But the worst dreams are of serenity and with visits from the fallen - Wells, Maya, Atom, Lee, Finn - and I have to wake up to hell without them. Craving a sense of peace that I will never fully allow myself to feel.

Because people die and tragedy occurs, but the sun will always rise and the world still spins. There's always another threat waiting to make itself known.

Bellamy had been right- this isn't peace. It never was. We've been living under a fabricated dream, an illusion that we can all live in harmony. But there have been ninety-seven years full of bloodshed and chaos between Lexa's coalition. They banded together because of a common enemy- the Mountain Men. But what will come of it now that they have been eradicated?

When I open the door, I look up to discover Monroe still inside. She stiffens like she's been caught doing something she shouldn't, making my eyebrows crease in suspicion.

"Hi, Monroe," I say carefully.

"Hi," she clips back shortly. Her feet are already moving to slip past me and out of the room, suddenly eager to leave. "Duty calls."

"Right." I watch her go, copper-red braids swishing down her back, but suddenly feel compelled to stop her. Her name bursts from my lips before I can think twice. "Monroe!"

She turns around, if not still a bit stiffly as if she fears for what I'm going to say. "Yeah?"

"Just... Be careful out there. It's getting more dangerous."

Monroe blinks in surprise. Clearly, that's not what she'd expected me to say. But still, she inclines her head in a nod of understanding. "Thanks. I will."

Then she's gone and I'm left wondering what caused her to act so strangely around me. For as long as I can remember, we've always been on good terms. She'd helped to pull me back to safety when I'd almost fallen down the cliff just like Sterling. She untied me from the chair Murphy had secured me in. Assured me that everything was going to be alright.

I press my lips into a line with a heavy heart. There has been so much division these days, and I can hardly handle it anymore. I can see it in my everyday life- coworkers being hesitant to work together, some people being more on edge than others. Guarded responses where there were once open feelings.

I want to work toward bringing people back together, not setting them further apart. A house divided against itself cannot stand. If we're going to have any chance of working together to stay alive, such a division won't do us any good in the long run.

I know where to start.

—-

Jasper runs into me on my way to the garages. Or, more specifically, I turn the corner and we slam into each other with such force that I'm almost knocked off my feet. As he may have done once before, he doesn't reach out to catch me. Such instincts seem to have fled his brain.

"Come to talk me out of taking the Key, too?" he drawls as a way of greeting me.

"No," I reply in confusion, wondering why the hell he'd be asking me that. But then it sinks in. My eyes widen and snap to his, which always seem watery and sad these days. "Jas, were you about to—"

"It's whatever," he cuts me off a bit harshly. I don't bat an eye to the interruption- it's normal in a conversation with him these days. "Abby took it, so no need to search me or anything."

I try to comprehend it. Of course he'd be intrigued by an idea like the City of Light, I almost can't believe he'd actually almost take it. Then again, he had been known for stealing pharmaceuticals on the Ark, so it shouldn't surprise me as much as it should. It doesn't stop the hollowness in my chest.

I wish I could help him in some way. There's nothing I want more than to see him smiling again, to be the happy, go-lucky boy I remember. Who I see in front of me now is a ghost of who he used to be. Jasper won't let me help him- that's the problem. No matter how much I desire to give him hope, a deeper part of me knows he's beyond that, now.

"Jasper," I say, "we're running some tests on the Chip in Medical. Please just wait until they're complete until you take it."

Jasper's frown deepens. "That's exactly what Abby said." He begins to brush carelessly past me before turning and adding, "Jaha doesn't remember Wells."

I freeze. Ice instantly spreads to the rest of my body. Jaha can't remember his own son? One who lived for seventeen years before having it unjustly wiped away in the blink of an eye. Something so traumatic couldn't possibly—

"Jaha said..." I recall mostly to myself, my eyebrows creasing together as the gears in my mind begin to turn, bringing back the memory of him stopping me in the hall.

"Jaha said what?" Jasper asks. There's still one foot poised in front of him like he's still ready to bolt.

He said the City of Light takes away pain. What if he was actually telling me the truth? And what if it not only removes physical, but also emotional pain? So that's why Raven's leg doesn't bother her anymore, and why Jaha can't remember his own deceased son.

"I need to go," I mumble before brushing past Jasper in a manner similar to what he had done to me before.

My mind is whirring so fiercely I almost don't hear him sarcastically calling after me, "Don't bother to share your miraculous revelation with me, or anything!"

His dry comment bounces off me as my legs take me to Medical. My body is almost on autopilot, doing all the work for me so my brain can run through the information that's been presented to me. This entire time, I've assumed that Jaha's blabbering about the elimination of pain was bullshit. But now...

The double doors automatically slide open when I approach them. Once I find myself in Medical, I hurry to the small, sleek machine that was currently running its seventh trial on testing Raven's blood. A single tap on its monitor causes it to light up. After a few frantic taps, the testing history pops up. As I expected, nothing out of the ordinary presents itself.

"Fallon, what are you doing?"

I jump and whirl around to see Jackson tending to one of the patients in the corner of the room. His face is calm despite my obvious panic, eyebrows slightly wrinkled in concern.

"Just looking over the tests on Raven," I reply in a half-lie. "Making sure everything's fine." When he doesn't respond and instead continues to stare at me blankly, I hastily add, "Caleb was wondering."

"I've been watching everything," Jackson assures me. He crosses the room and places a comforting hand on my shoulder. "If anything pops up, I'll tell you. You and Abby both need your rest, okay? Let me take care of this."

I glance back at the blood testing machine, which has started its eighth trial. Still nothing so far. A sigh falls from my lips as I nod in compliance.

He pats my shoulder. "You should do something to wind down. Promise me you'll try not to worry about this for the rest of the night, okay?"

Another sigh. I feel like a child being told not to do something. "Okay."

"Promise."

"I promise."

Jackson claps my shoulder again before nudging me toward the door. As I slowly head toward it, I turn back around to see him starting to tap the monitor I'd just touched. His hands are clenched tightly around the edge of the table like he's anxious. But even so, he seems slightly more stiff than usual. Maybe he's been having a rough day just like the rest of us.

Guilt swarms in my stomach for a second. I open my mouth to offer to take his place for the evening, but upon remembering my promise to him, I snap my jaw shut with the click of my teeth and force myself to walk out of the door.

Do something to wind down. What can I possibly do to make myself feel even the slightest bit better?

A coldness seeps into my bloodstream as an idea pops into my head. Who do I usually go to for advice and comfort? What have I recited over and over in my head, should I ever gather the courage to do it?

"Thames!" I call to the nearest person I recognize. The black-haired guard turns around with an expression of surprise on his face. I don't blame him; my outburst had been pretty loud and sudden. "Is Bellamy around?"

He nods. "Just got back. Heard somethin' happened, though. They were at a Grounder camp."

The coldness in my veins almost turns to ice at that information. Something bad...but what?

I decide not to dwell on it for now, fearing that I'll distract myself from the task that I should have done a long time ago. Or should never have needed to do in the first place.

"Thanks," I half-heartedly mutter to the guard before beginning to hurry toward my old room.

No, not my old room. My room. It always was still mine, though I was the one who refused to sleep in it. I was the one who distanced myself because I thought it was what we both needed. I let myself decide for him, and it was wrong.

It'll be his decision whether or not he'll accept my apology.

My heart pounds as I stand on the opposite side of our door. The BLAKE/RIVERS sign stares me down, heightening my nerves until I feel ready to combust. It doesn't make sense—this shouldn't make me apprehensive. So why are my palms sweating?

At first I think about knocking, but then remember it's my room, too. I inhale slowly before swiping my identification card and opening the door.

Bellamy is inside, sitting on the bed with his head in his hands and fingers wound through his hair. His elbows rest on his knees like some sort of defeat has taken place. At the sound of the door, his head jerks up. His curls are a disheveled mess on his head and purple bruises line his lower eyelids. Confusion swimming in his eyes and a small gape are indications that he's surprised to see me here.

I linger in the doorway before closing the door behind me and slowly walking toward him. He can probably sense the fact that I'm tense, worried he'll push me away. I've been going over this conversation in my head countless times. I thought of every phrase, every word I want to get out. But now that it's happening, they've all fled from my brain.

"I'm sorry," is what comes out.

Bellamy seems puzzled by my apology. His eyebrows crease together. "For what?"

"For saying we should take a break." My words are finding themselves again, which is reassuring. Confidence replaces my previous tone of uncertainty. "I thought it would be best for both of us. I mean, so much is going on right now that I just - I figured we might need time apart. To focus. But now I realize that was the stupidest idea I've ever had. As cheesy as it may sound, we're each other's strengths. I haven't known a lot of things recently. But, I do know that even if we don't agree on some things, we're still a team. I know that I love you." I release a relieved sigh, glad I finally purged the words out of my system, even if they were a little too fast. My eyes meet his to find him watching me thoughtfully. "I love you, and I think we should be together. What about you?"

My heart thuds as he stands, my fingers finding interest in tangling themselves together. I cast my eyes down to the floor in anticipation—

—Only to have Bellamy lift my chin, look me in the eyes with a rare grin, and say, "I think that's the best damn idea you've ever had."

I beam at him as well. Relief surges through me in a huge tidal wave, knocking out any of the nerves I'd previously felt as he tugs me closer. Our lips meet surely and firmly while my hands slide up to cup his cheeks. His move to my back, holding me flush up against him.

I'm the first to pull away, trying to maintain a serious expression and failing. "But, you know, this is purely for survival. Nothing more."

Bellamy's brows furrow in mock agreement. "Oh, for sure."

Then he pulls me in again, and I can't describe how good it feels to finally be back home.

———

THIS TOOK WAY TOO LONG TO WRITE. i didn't think fallon fit very well into any of the other characters' storylines in the episode, so the result was a bunch of awkwardly spliced scenes that stitched together a sucky chapter. but fallamy is back, so that's great!

i'm really sorry for the long wait, but i've been super busy lately and haven't had the inspiration to write this ): i feel really bad! hopefully the next chapter won't take as long

-kristyn