❝you're in love with him. here's the best part: he loves you more than his own life. so, here's the worst part: he loves you so much more than his own life.❞

-m.j, poet

♛

WHEN I WAKE, IT'S slowly but surely, my eyes fluttering open to reveal nothing but a mass of blurry colors above me. The first thing I notice is that the swirling color I'm staring at is brown. The second thing is the flare of pain in the right side of my head, throbbing with every breath I inhale. And the third--

"Clarke," I whisper, sitting up so fast that my head spins and my vision goes black for a few agonizingly long seconds. A burst of even more intense pain blossoms from my skull at the sudden movement. The feeling is similar to how it had felt after Murphy hit me over the head with the log, which means that I'm going to have one bitch of a headache.

A barely audible groan causes me to jump. I search for the source of the sound to find out that it had come from behind me. Slowly, I turn and discover Bellamy leaning heavily against the wall, face scrunched in agony and one hand pressing against his left calf. Judging by the looks of things, my head had been in his lap before I sat up.

"Fal?" My name sounds like it takes all of his energy to say. It comes out breathy and pained, barely audible. I prop myself up using my hands and gently turn myself around so I'm facing him.

"Bell?" I ask, eyebrows scrunching in concern. The light at the mouth of the cave is minimal, illuminating him in a faint yet harsh light. I can see sweat dotting his face and what looks like blood on his free hand, hair damp against his forehead. "What's wrong?"

He shakily removes his hand from his leg to reveal a deep cut on the outside of his thigh, from which a decent quantity of dark blood is pouring. My eyes automatically widen in shock and alarm.

"Holy shit," I mutter, quickly removing the Grounder top to rip a piece of my shirt underneath the heavy armor. The action makes my head swim. I don't think twice before tearing a long strip of the fabric and quickly tying it as tightly as I can above the wound to slow the blood flow. "Why didn't you at least make a tourniquet?"

His only response is another weak groan. I sigh and wince at the sight of the cut, knowing that there's no way in hell that he'll be able to walk very far on his own. There are about two steps until we get to the ramp, and then we have to find the others.

"Clarke," Bellamy says quietly. His face is scrunched in distress, sadness reflecting in the brown of his eyes. "The Grounder took her. I - I tried to follow, but obviously I didn't get very far--"

"Wait," I cut him off, jerking my neck to look him in the eye and instantly regretting it. "You mean you carried me over here? With that cut in your leg?" He nods, making me sigh again in exasperation. But he reaches his hand up to my head before I can chastise him. Gently, touches the side of my skull that's still pulsing with pain. His fingers brush against my hair before bringing them back down and holding them up to my face. They're coated in blood.

"I couldn't abandon you," he explains in a more controlled tone than before. "And the Grounder knew that. He was going to kill us both, but" - a pause for breath - "Clarke begged him not to, said she'd stop struggling. That's why he stabbed me. There was no way I'd leave you unconscious in this place to follow after her."

My heart warms at his statement, but at the same time, it weighs down at the fact that Clarke gave up fighting for us. I manage a half smile before grabbing onto his right arm and slinging it over my shoulder. Bellamy uses what minimal strength he has to get to his feet. My knees buckle; for a second I think I might fall and bring us both down, but they keep us steady after a second. I let out a small whimper of pain at the throbbing in my head.

"Okay," I say through a slow exhale, "How long have we been down here?"

"Maybe half an hour," Bellamy answers. "Enough time for the army to pass."

I nod and readjust his arm on my shoulders before taking a step forward. He hops along with me, keeping his wounded leg elevated as much as he can. It takes us around five minutes to go up the ramp considering we move at the pace of snails. By the time we make it back up into the forest, my skin is damp with sweat already.

The next twenty minutes are filled with pained steps and several moments when I begin to wonder if we'll be stuck out here all night. Questions whirl through my head as I hobble along. What if Bellamy's wound becomes infected? Why had I left my jacket behind, where all of my portable medical supplies is?

My headache begins to pulse with an even sicklier pain, making nausea consume my thoughts as well. I blow a breath of harsh air from my cheeks to clear my mind. As I force my feet not to stumble on the uneven ground, I try to focus on the positive: at least Bellamy and I are together.

"Okay," I breathe out, bringing my free hand up to the wound on my head. The blood feels sticky and damp when my fingers graze it. "I think - I think we need to rest."

"But Clarke--" Bellamy tries to interject.

"Bell, she's gone." The words come out harsher than I intend them to, sending a stab to my own heart at the fact that I know they're true. He stops, turning to me with his eyes still filled with sadness. "She and the Grounder are too far by now, and there's no way we'll catch up to them like this."

Bellamy searches my face for a minute as my words sink in. Then he turns forward and pulls his lips into a line, jaw set in determination. "That doesn't mean we can't try and figure out where he's taking her."

"Hey, I found them!" a distant voice calls. "Bellamy, Fallon!"

Bellamy leans heavily against the nearest tree, relieving all of his weight that I had been carrying. My eyes narrow in on the bleeding cut in his thigh. Then, I glance up to see our group rushing toward us, Monty at the front.

"We told you to wait for the army to move," Kane scolds as he follows at Monty's heels. The younger boy sends worried glances toward Bellamy and I, eyes widening in alarm at the sight of the blood on the side of my head.

"What happened?" he asks.

"Here." Hannah takes out a piece of cloth from one of her pockets, gently pressing at the blood to get as much of it off as she can. A multitude of colors swims in my vision as stabs of pain shoots to my head every time it touches the wound. "Sit down."

Sighing, I ease onto a root from the tree, my legs thanking me for the rest. It's then when I realize they've been burning from trying to support both Bellamy and I at the same time.

"We - almost had her," Bellamy recalls through labored breaths. He waves off Caleb's silent offer to help, adjusting his stance against the trunk so it looks like he's standing up straighter.

"Pike, find their trail," Kane orders immediately.

"It's useless," Pike responds with a sigh. "He knows he's being followed now."

Bellamy takes another forced step forward, only for Kane to push him back up against the trunk. Bellamy's eyes are squeezed shut in agony, hands shaking and face flushed.

"Hey," Kane says pointedly. "You can't even walk."

"So what?" Bellamy asks, staring at him in disbelief. "We give up? Let him kill her?"

Kane stares at him blankly. Taking that as his chance, Bellamy breaks free from his grip and manages to take four limps forward before Monty rushes to stop him.

"God, Bellamy!" he shouts sharply. He grabs onto Bellamy's sleeve and holds him firmly. "I wanna find her too, but look at your leg and Fallon's head. You could die out here and we have no trail--"

"We can't lose Clarke!" Bellamy yells at full volume. For a second, there's a deep silence in which all of us stare at him; even Hannah's hand pauses. His face softens and displays all of his vulnerabilities right at the surface, voice dropping to a half-whisper. "We can't lose her."

"We'll find her, okay?" Monty sympathizes. "We will figure something out, I promise. But this isn't the way."

Even from where I sit, I can see the defeated tears filling Bellamy's eyes. He looks at Monty for a long moment. Then, slowly, his eyes drift to me and he nods. "Okay."

As Monty helps Bellamy stand upright, Hannah does likewise with me. She keeps a gentle hand on my elbow to guide where I walk.

"Let's head back," Kane suggests, casting a glance between Bellamy and I. "We've got a long way to go."

--

The ride in the Rover is unpleasant to say the least. Every bump we hit makes me grit my teeth, clenching my jaw hard to prevent any sounds of discomfort from coming out. Bellamy's head rests against the wall; he doesn't look to be any better than me. I know that as soon as we get back, Abby will have to give him stitches.

"We're here," Monty announces from the driver's seat. Pike pushes the back door open and climbs out, Hannah following suit. Kane carefully helps me stand so I can do the same. After I hop out, Bellamy eases down beside me as well.

"Get them to Medical," Kane orders Caleb and Monty, who both share a look and nod. However, just before they can move forward, a voice stops them in their tracks.

"Caleb Jones? Do my eyes deceive me, or is that you?"

Caleb stands stone still for a second before blinking in disbelief. Then, a glowing, radiant smile stretches across his face. "Raven."

My eyebrows crease in confusion as I watch her head toward him with a grin on her face as well. They go in for a hug, Caleb's face still looking the happiest it's been since we reunited. His large and muscular frame almost completely swallows Raven's as they embrace. His chin rests upon her shoulder until they pull back.

"How the hell do you seem to know everyone?" Monty questions in a perplexed tone.

"Caleb was a Zero-G Mechanic," Raven explains with - dare I say it - fondness in her voice. She almost appears as happy as he is.

"Taught her everything she knows," he says with a smirk, causing her to punch him jokingly in the arm.

"I would hate to interrupt this happy reunion," Bellamy says through gritted teeth, "but both Fallon and I are literally bleeding, Christopher."

"Caleb," Raven corrects him. Bellamy ignores this and starts hobbling toward the door of the garage that leads back into the Ark, causing Monty to hurry after him in case he falls. I roll my eyes before starting to walk toward the exit as well.

"One of these days he's going to run out of names and start calling me inanimate objects," Caleb sighs as he falls into step with me.

"Couch Cushion Jones," I joke with a half-grin. "Kinda catchy."

Caleb chuckles for a second, then we fall into silence. His eyes slightly widen once we emerge into the main hallways of the Ark. He looks around with an expression of awe on his face, gears turning in his brain.

"This way," I instruct with a poke to his arm. "My head hurts like a bitch."

"Sorry," he apologizes, "this is just so weird. Like, this thing fell from space and it's still intact? How is that even possible? The atmosphere, the impact--" After noticing the amusement on my face, he cuts himself off. "Sorry again. I'm blabbering. You don't care. Mechanic problems."

"Speaking of that, I didn't know you wanted to be a Zero-G Mechanic," I muse as I turn a sharp corner at an intersection, making Caleb have to take a second to catch up again.

"Yeah, well, you get a lot of thinking to do when you realize you're a pompous ass."

At Medical, Caleb receives a double take from Abby, who's already starting on Bellamy's stitches. Jackson is the one to treat my head and he looks a little too smug while doing it. Especially when he chastises me not to do any gruelling physical activity for the next couple of days.

And so, I'm told to go back to my room and sleep. If only it was that easy.

Bellamy lays beside me with his hands folded over his stomach. He had been order to rest as well, and so there the two of us are, staring blankly at a dark ceiling with no sleep in the near future.

The ice pack on my head isn't comfortable in the least, especially when I'm forced to lay on it. The cold soothes the pain but also feels like it's freezing my brain cells at the same time. I find myself adjusting my position every so often to try and find one where I can actually relax.

"Look at us," Bellamy says so quietly I barely hear him. "So close to Clarke and now we're back where we started."

"Maybe that just wasn't our shot," I say optimistically. "We'll find her."

He sighs and goes back to silence, making me blink at the ceiling again. Then I feel his hand grasp my own. Our fingers lace together and he starts rubbing soothing circles with the pad of his thumb. The action is small, but significant enough for me to relax.

"We could have died today," he recounts solemnly. "When that Grounder hit you over the head, you went so instantly limp that I just..." He pauses and draws in a breath. "Something came over me and I wanted him dead. But he was too strong, and blood was by your skull, and he had me pinned down, and I remember thinking, 'What's the point?'"

"Bellamy," I say, propping myself up onto my elbow so I'm facing him.

"You don't understand," he mumbles. "You and Octavia, and maybe even Clarke, are all I have left. You're all I have left to live for."

I feel tears start to sting the corners of my eyes, blurring my vision slightly. My lips pull into a line as a sharp breath draws itself into my lungs. That feeling of knowing you're part of the reason that someone is alive...it's indescribable.

"Hey," I say, gently bringing one hand to his cheek and turning his face toward me, "I'll always be here, okay? I love you."

Bellamy's eyes close like he wants to remember those words forever. "I love you."

While his eyes are still closed, I lean down and gently press my lips to his. And when his arms pull me even closer, a thought emblazes in my mind:

He is my home.

-----

[tears streaming down face] my children

i'm back!! if you didn't know, i took a haitus because i was hella stressed and hella busy, but here i am again!

i've been wanting to put the official "i love you" statements in here for a while, but i also wanted them to be super meaningful, so i hope it was worth the wait!

-kristyn