WARNING: abuse, lots of violence, angst in general

❝she was a volcano / she was always there / while people judged her beauty / she was a volcano / she was always patient / but sometime after, she exploded.❞

-unknown

♛

I AM NUMB. IT'S the only thing I notice as I trudge through the grass after Kane, my feet stomping robotically as my eyes stare blankly in front of me. Everything is hitting me at once— Lincoln's death, our failed rescue mission, our fugitive statuses, the fact we left Raven behind in her time of need, Bellamy missing — but I cannot feel anything. It's like the facts are bouncing off of a bubble surrounding me. It has not popped.

I wish I could feel. Anything would be better than the desensitized sensation that's thrumming through my veins. I don't even recognize anything we're walking through, the scenery instead a mass of blurred, bleary colors in my peripheral vision. The earth appears to be zapped of its color.

The clouds overhead provide a steady drizzle, not enough to soak me to the bone, but enough for me to recognize that it's cold. My hair is damp, sticking to my cheeks uncomfortably. But I don't brush it away.

Someone's arms encircle me as I walk, causing me to snap back into reality. My vision clears once my eyes focus again. When I look to my right, I see Harper is the one embracing me.

I shake her off. "Please, Harper." My breath shakes when I inhale. "Just...don't."

She has to have known this entire time that Bellamy wasn't going to meet us outside, that he never was outside in the first place. She, Octavia, and Miller must have kept in contact separately. And they clearly didn't trust Bellamy enough to let him help. Even when we approached them for assistance, they still decided to take things into their own hands and hide the reality of their plan from Caleb and I.

Because even though Caleb turned away from Pike's faction after the first massacre, I can still sense Miller's wariness. He purposely walks a few steps away from the dark-haired boy and avoids eye contact. The mechanic still hasn't been forgiven.

A selfish thought crosses my mind. How come Bryan gets a full pardon when he only converted a few hours ago? Why does Caleb have to work so much harder to earn their trust? I know that he and Miller have always had a slight rift since he came to Earth, but...

I keep myself focused for the rest of the journey. Our final destination is a cave hidden in a mound of rock, where Kane ties Octavia's horse up while the others walk inside. Harper and Miller enter first. I follow behind, my eyes on the stone ground.

The sound of chains clinking together meets my ears. I slowly raise my head to see Bellamy restrained to the back wall, iron shackles around both of his wrists and thus preventing him from moving more than a foot or so away from their base. His eyes carefully examine the dull expressions on each of our faces. The expression on his face turns more troubled as Caleb and Sinclair enter, then Kane. And, finally, Octavia.

Bellamy's eyes flicker toward the mouth of the cave when nobody else follows behind her. He asks the question I knew was coming. "Where's Lincoln?"

His sister takes a shuddering breath as she removes her gloves, her back facing him. "Pike put a bullet in his brain."

I can't see her face, but I can sense her calm façade crumbling again. Her head bows as her shoulders shake with quiet sobs.

Bellamy's own expression falls. His eyes are already filling with tears— over his sister's sadness or the loss of his friend, I don't know. "O... O, I am so sorry—"

Nobody sees it coming. One minute, Octavia is facing the wall, and the next, she's whirling around, using that same momentum to take several steps forward and punch her brother hard across the face. Caleb's stunned cry of, "Octavia!" comes out the moment her fist strikes him.

For a beat, nobody knows what to do. It isn't clear what her intentions are: if she'll do it again or if it was unintentional, an action compelled by the heat of the moment.

But once Bellamy's widened eyes meet hers, she hits him again.

"Octavia," Kane says in a surprisingly calm manner, "that's enough."

"Kane," Bellamy gasps, face already bleeding from the force of his sister's fury. "Stay out of this."

Another hit. A knee to his abdomen. The sound of Bellamy's pained grunt as he hits the ground and doubles over is too much for me to bear.

"Octavia!" I shout, starting to dart forward to stop her, but instead find my arms restrained by Kane. I turn around, glaring fiercely at the man I consider a father figure to both Bellamy and I. "Let me go."

"I'm sorry, Fallon," he says somberly. "It's for your own safety."

"What about Bellamy's?"

"He told us to stay out of this."

"And you're going to listen?" Caleb demands fiercely, seafoam-green eyes narrowed to slits as he motions toward the horrifying scene in front of us. He turns his attention back to the Blake siblings. "Stop!"

Sinclair winces at another punch and turns away. Bryan, who's sitting on a rock, averts his eyes. Not even Miller or Harper dare to intervene. It's like nothing is happening, like a sister isn't beating her restrained brother, like this isn't totally disgusting.

"What is wrong with you?" Caleb growls to Bryan. His friend ignores him. "I thought better of you."

Bile rises in my throat as Octavia lifts Bellamy's head from the ground and sends her knee slamming into it. Blood is dripping from his cheeks, his mouth, splattering onto the rocks below. She pushes him to the ground so hard that his skull nearly knocks into the edges of the wall. Somehow, I hope it had. Maybe then he wouldn't feel any pain.

"Caleb's right— that's enough," Miller says, walking forward to grab Octavia. She merely chokes on a sob and shoves him stumbling backward.

"Miller—" Bellamy starts to protest, but she's already turning back to face him, and he probably won't get the rest of his sentence out.

I wrench myself from Kane's grip and all but sprint in front of Bellamy. A chorus of "No!" and "Fallon—" rises up from my friends, but it doesn't stop me from crouching down and shielding him.

"Oct—"

In her blind rage, she hits me across the face.

And, all at once, everything stops.

The shouting from the bystanders dies down. I can hear Bellamy coughing up blood from behind me. I'm sprawled on my side, hands now scraped from catching my fall. My left eye pulses with pain. There's a stinging sensation coming from my temple. Her single punch had been so strong and direct that she'd cut open my skin.

I push myself to my knees, slowly raising my head toward Octavia. Her face is contorted in pain; no hint of remorse is in her features. Not even when she examines my swelling eye and the slice in my face.

Her enraged eyes flicker back to Bellamy. There's nothing but pure hatred in her expression. "You're dead to me."

She turns, about to leave, when I grasp every single ounce of bewilderment in me and turn it into fury. My jaw ticks. I raise my head even more and don't waste any bit of acid that comes with my words.

"Wise actions coming from the person who chained him up instead of letting him help."

Everyone winces from in front of Octavia. She slowly pivots on her heels, head angling downward to glare at me. She puckers her lips before spitting on the ground in front of me. And she storms out.

Nobody seems to know what to do. After a beat of silence, Caleb clears his throat. "Fallon, your eye is bleeding."

I exhale harshly from my mouth. "Let it."

Pushing myself to my feet, I begin marching forward to follow Octavia out of the cave, all of the words I want to say rising with every step. Kane grabs me by the shoulders before I can. He holds me at arm's length and looks me in the eye.

"Don't make it worse than it already is," he advises calmly.

"She had no right to do that!" I exclaim, my words firing themselves at Kane instead of their intended target. If I don't get them out now... I'm not sure who'll be the recipient of my anger-fueled words.

"She's grieving—"

"Yeah, we've all lost someone, but you don't see us beating our loved ones for it."

I understand that Octavia is upset about losing Lincoln. Hell, if Bellamy died, I'd be a wreck. But he tried to help and instead of giving him a chance, she left him here and decided to play the hero. She failed. She doesn't want to blame herself, so she's turning her anger toward Bellamy instead. And he was going to let her.

Maybe a part of him thinks he deserves it.

"You need to calm down."

"Calm down?" I repeat incredulously. My eyebrows crease together in time with my rising voice. "You want me to calm down?"

My fists are curling at my sides, nails digging deep into my palms as I step out of Kane's grasp. I can feel my anger levels rising. All this time, I've kept my emotions pent-up inside of me with only temporary breakdowns to release the oncoming storm. But now I'm starting to explode. I can feel myself splintering, wanting nothing more than to chase after Octavia and force her to realize what she did was wrong. Not with violence, no. I don't want to stoop to her level.

Kane nods to Miller, who pulls me backward and is about to sit me down when I wrench away and turn toward Bellamy, who's still crumpled on the ground in shock. My anger turns to hot tears that blur my vision. I bend down in a concise movement that's hardly unlike my usual self. Not much in my pockets can help him. I'd given the last of my bandages to Lincoln, and gauze won't do anything without them. But I do have a cloth that can wipe away the blood.

Without a word, I pull the fabric out of my pocket and begin gently mopping the crimson rivers staining Bellamy's face. I try to be as gentle as I can, but my churning anger makes me less careful than I usually am. He seems to understand this and pretends not to wince when I hit a tender spot.

"You should clean up yours, too," he whispers, voice barely audible and words slurring together. His gaze pointedly flickers to the cut near my eye.

"No," I answer bitterly, my lips twisted in a scowl. "I want her to see it every single time she looks at me."

And once I'm done, I collapse to Bellamy's side and pull my knees to my chest. The angry tears continue to spill out of my eyes and almost burn as they trickle down my cheeks.

Maybe I must explode like this.

—

A foot nudges mine, and I open my eyes blearily to see Miller standing in front of me. My eye pulses with pain; I bet that it's swollen and the cut near it isn't helping. The boy is clearly trying his damned hardest not to meet Bellamy's eyes or look at the cuts still prominent on his face.

"Hey, Fallon," Miller greets somberly. "Were you sleeping?"

"No," I answer, stretching out my arms so my elbows pop. "Just thinking."

He nods. "Well, we're having a meeting on the other side of the cave, if you want to join us."

I glance at the side he's pointing to. What I'd thought was a wall is actually a mess of tangled, dead vines and roots that obscure the other half of the den. The lantern near our feet illuminates them in an eerie glow.

"You should go," Bellamy urges me quietly. I look at him questionably. "It's probably important."

I hesitate, but after seeing the pleading expression on Bellamy's face for me to do something, I sigh and concede. My knees ache when I stand from being bent for so long. I have to all but hobble toward the break in the makeshift curtain near the mouth of the cave.

Along the way, I discover Caleb leaning against the opposite wall, legs crossed at the ankles. His arms are folded and jaw set angrily. His eyes stare pointedly at the ground.

"Caleb—"

"No thanks," the mechanic cuts Miller off shortly, a hard edge to his voice. He continues to carve a hole into the floor with how intense his stare is. He doesn't waver his stance at all. "I'll stay with Bellamy."

Miller nods somberly. Everything is still a bit awkward, and the two had never truly gotten along. The rift between them has seemingly grown.

I glance back at Bellamy to see him appear slightly surprised at Caleb's decision. Maybe their relationship can be rekindled as well.

Miller brushes aside the curtain and holds it open for me. I walk in, noticing how Harper looks at me guiltily and Bryan avoids my gaze altogether. My eyes skip right over Octavia as I plop down next to Sinclair. A small fire crackles in the middle of the circle, immediately spreading heat to my body. I haven't realized how cold the other side had been until now.

"I say we run two-man patrols, round the clock, starting now," Bryan proposes. I wordlessly stare at the pot that's hovering over the flames.

"We'll do that, but we should be safe here," Kane adds. "The Grounder blockade's too close for Pike to risk looking for us."

Bryan nods. "Yeah, but are we safe from the blockade?"

"As long as we stay on this side of the line, we should be."

"They're Grounders," Miller's boyfriend argues. "You really think they're gonna play by the rules?"

Octavia shoots him a deadly glare as she busily sharpens her sword.

"Hey, Pike will want you dead, now, too," Miller says to him to change the subject. "We take him out, we can go home."

"We take him out, then the Grounders will lift the blockade," Harper adds thoughtfully.

"That's right," Kane agrees. "We become the thirteenth clan again. Those were the terms."

"Lexa's terms," Sinclair points out. "If what Bellamy says is true and she's dead, how do we know the next Commander will honor them?"

Sinclair is right. If what I've learned so far holds true, it's that the Commanders hold complete control over their subjects and have the ability to do whatever they want, regardless of what their advisors say or the people want. The next Commander could decide not to let us into the Coalition— an already crumbling alliance, as it is.

"One problem at a time," Kane says dismissively.

"What about Clarke?" Miller asks. I glance up to see him already looking at me, probably thinking back to our night in the woods and how I'd scribbled that note to my best friend. A note which she now holds in her possession. "With Lexa gone, she's not safe in Polis."

Octavia stabs her sword into the rock she's using to sharpen it, choosing to speak for the first time. "Clarke made her choice. The only thing that matters now is killing Pike."

"Octavia's right," Kane says. Harper nods her silent agreement. "Once we resume our place in the Commander's Coalition, Clarke will be safe."

My mouth twists into a scowl, remembering Sinclair's point about the new Commander. Our 'place' was barely made official, and even afterward, Lexa still had the power to push us out from it. Who's to say that their new leader won't do the same?

A radio crackles from the side. Monty's hushed voice sounds from it. "Bellamy, come in. It's Monty— I'm in trouble. Please say you still have your radio."

Sinclair grabs the device from beside him and begins to pass it to Kane, who holds out his hand to stop him. "If we respond and Pike's listening—"

"Go to channel seven," Bellamy suggests from the other side of the curtain. "'Please say you still have your radio.' That's seven words after the word 'trouble.'" When Kane gives him a disbelieving expression, Bellamy hardens his voice. "It's code. Go to seven."

Sinclair purses his lips, waiting for our unofficial leader's decision. Kane eventually gives him a minuscule nod. The engineer switches the channel and passes it to Kane.

Monty's voice comes back in. "Bellamy, are you there?"

Kane carefully puts the radio closer to his mouth. "Monty, it's Kane. What's wrong?"

"Pike knows that I helped you get out."

My heart freezes in my chest. I look up from the flames and widen my eyes at Kane, who appears dismayed yet collected. "Can you get to the dropship?"

"I think so."

"Good, go there. I'll bring you in. Stay off the radio. Over and out."

"Hold on," Harper says, "what if it's a trap and Pike's waiting?"

I purse my lips and return my gaze to the fire. Monty isn't the type to double-cross us after helping us out. He'd risked everything to give the guards false information, and because of him, we made it out. For the most part.

"That's why I'm going alone," Kane replies as he pushes himself to his feet.

"Like hell you are," Octavia says, standing up with him and sheathing her weapon.

"I'm with Octavia," Miller adds. "Monty saved our lives. I'm going, too."

Bryan stands with him, suggesting that he agrees. It seems like Kane and Harper are the only ones who don't trust Monty. Either that, or Octavia is going to fight Pike's faction if they tag along.

"No, you're not," Kane says to the three. "If it is a trap, I'm not marching our entire insurgency into it."

Octavia shrugs her jacket back on. "To stop me, you're gonna have to kill me."

"She hopes it's a trap," Bellamy informs Kane.

The younger Blake glances back in his direction with a sneer. "He's coming, too. We'll need a hostage to trade for Monty."

"That's a good plan," Kane agrees. "He stays chained, gag him."

Miller frowns. "Sir, with all due respect—"

"He's the enemy," Kane cuts in. Miller stares at him, at a loss for words. "Do what I said."

"If he's the enemy, so am I," Caleb's voice sounds from the other side of the cave. The sound of his boots scraping on the ground meets my ears until he pushes the curtain aside. "I helped to massacre that Grounder army. I killed sixteen people. Sixteen lives, gone. I may have stopped joining hands with Pike, may regret what I did, but who says I like the Grounders?" Octavia shoots him a warning glare, to which he scoffs at. "What are you gonna do, hit me?"

Harper blows air out of her cheeks and glances away from them.

"Very well," Kane complies, mostly to diffuse the tension than anything else. "Do we have another set of cuffs? Miller?"

Miller shakes his head. "Left mine back on the Ark. Sorry."

"Here." Harper digs into her pocket and produces a simple pair of handcuffs, handing them to Kane.

The older man snaps the restraints around Caleb's wrists and meets his eyes somewhat warily. The boy doesn't back down, merely staring him in the eyes. It seems to unnerve Kane, who steps away to grab a cloth and gag him with it.

I stand with conviction and take Caleb by the shoulders, pushing him along toward the mouth of the cave.

"What are you doing?" Kane calls after me.

I turn and give him a hardened glance. "Saving my friend."

____

i like to call this "how do i make fallon go with them okay well i guess this is happening now"

things i am here for:

•caleb standing up for bellamy (#cellamy)

•caleb standing up to octavia

•fallon taking care of bellamy

things i am not here for:

•octavia

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

-kristyn

ps: happy 2018!