Harper and Jackson's large, beautiful guestroom has been the perfect safe haven since I returned to the states. And it wasn't just because of the plush queen sized bed or the large window that looked out over the city. It was the spacious bathroom that was to the left of the dresser.

Ever since my return two days ago, Harper and Jackson have both been walking on eggshells around me. One after another, they would take turns lightly knocking on the door, asking if I'm all right or if I needed anything. I swear, if that bathroom wasn't in the bedroom, they would surely ambush me when I walked out of the bedroom.

If I truly wanted to be alone though, I could have always went back to my empty apartment or stayed in a hotel. But the former was something I was NOT ready for. And the latter...well, truth was that I didn't want to be alone. Not completely alone, that is. As much as I wasn't ready to talk to any of my friends about everything that happened in Paris, it was nice to know that only a door separated them from me. Just in case.

God, I missed Ollie. The pain and guilt hasn't diminished since I boarded that flight. My chest felt like someone cut it open and ripped my heart out. And I knew just who did the cutting. Me. I'm the cause of my own pain. Maybe I wasn't ready to admit it out loud, but I cut out that heart of mine and left it in a warehouse in Paris. And ever since then I've been bleeding. Bleeding for Ollie. There weren't enough tissues in the world to staunch the blood.

Knock knock knock. "Jamie? Can I come in?"

That familiar British accent had me groaning and rolling over, putting my back to the door as I stuffed my face into the pillow.

"Come now, pet," he said in a pleading tone as if he could see me clearly through the door. "Don't be like that."

"Go away, Jackson." It was muffled from the pillow, but he got the gist.

"I have news."

That got me to at least pick my head up. But I still didn't say anything.

"It's about Ollie," he tacked on.

My stomach dropped when he said that. I didnt like news of any kind. News, good or bad, only led to pain, pain, and more pain. News was how I ended up boarding a plane that took be to Paris in the first place. And it was also what had me boarding a flight that brought be home again.

Fuck news.

But still...I couldn't ignore news from Ollie. "This better not be a trick, Jackson."

"On my honor," he vowed from the other side of thr door.

"Fine. Come in."

There was a click as the door opened and Jackson came inside. I turned over in the bed before sitting up and propping myself against the headboard. Jackson came to the other side of the bed, flopping down on it and stretching his legs out.

"Make yourself comfortable," I muttered before spying the plate in his hand. "What's that for?"

"You need to eat." He nodded towards the assortment of food. "Your choices are fruit, a bagel, a muffin, or a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch with two options for milk: regular or," cringe from Jackson "almond milk."

Knowing it was pointless to argue with the man, I reached for the muffin. "Thanks."

Jackson sat the plate on the bedside table then handed me a white coffee cup. "I think it's made how you like it. I asked Harper before she left."

Without saying a word, I reached for the coffee. It seemed silly that something like freshly brewed coffee could make fresh tears well up in my eyes, but it reminded me of all those mornings Ollie would wake me up with a kiss and my favorite coffee.

"Ollie called."

I paused mid-chew as those two words sank in. It wasn't a news flash that he would call looking for me. Suddenly I felt unable to eat anything at all so I set the muffin down on the small plate Jackson gave me. "Is he okay?"

Jackson crossed his arms over his chest before replying in a casual tone, "Harper said he sounded about as good as you look. So...no, pet. He's doing bloody awful without you."

"It's complicated," was all I said. God, it killed me knowing how badly he must be feeling. Probably worse than me.

"Why don't you explain it to me? Tell me why it is so complicated." There was a brief pause and then he asked, "If you don't tell me, pet, I'm going to assume the worst and then I'm going to have to board a flight to Paris to kick his bloody painter ass. You know how much it displeases my wife when I leave the states without her permission, so you would actually be doing me a favor."

I remembered all too well when some miscommunication between Jackson and Harper led him to flee back to London. My best friend was not happy with that at all. As soon as she found out, she flew there herself. Thankfully they worked it out and ended up getting married soon after.

"He got offered a once in a lifetime opportunity from his boss. It was going to be a lot of work and a lot of traveling. After everything he did for me... Anyway. I didn't have a choice."

"Oh, you had a choice. Not only did you make that choice, but you also took Ollie's choice away from him."

I stared into my coffee cup. "I know what choice he would have made. And I couldn't let him throw away his career for me."

When I glanced up at Jackson, his blue eyes were studying me intently. "You know, there was a time not so long ago when I made a choice for someone else. That night I kissed another woman to push Harper away? That was my choice. I also thought it was in her best interest. I thought by pushing her away, I was going to be protecting her from me." He exhaled a shaky breath, like reliving the memory was almost too painful. "Even though I thought it was the right thing for her, it only made things worse. It hurt both of us."

There was a heavy silence in the room before he spoke again. "One thing I've learned over the past couple years is that choices should never be made lightly. And never by one person when there are two people who are in love with each other."

My response was automatic. "I never said he and I were in love."

"Look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong."

Unable to deny it, I looked away.

"I do believe you when you say you had his best intentions at heart. But you need to ask yourself this, pet. Did you leave because you were trying to protect him? Or yourself?"

To my surprise, Jackson rose from the bed and started heading towards the door. He stopped when he reached for the knob and looked back at me.

"You really do need to eat more. I'm going to leave that plate of food for you." He pointed at me with a wry grin. "And for the love of all things holy, please take a shower. You stink, pet."

Then he was gone. With a heavy sigh I leaned back against the pillows and reached for the muffin. He was right about one thing at least. I needed to eat. An appetite has been the farthest thing from my mind since I left Paris.

After I finished the muffin, I also ate the bagel and some of the fruit. Clearly I was hungrier than I thought. I didn't get out of the bed quite yet though. I sat there for a few minutes and finished my coffee before finally getting up and walking into the bathroom.

I went straight for the shower and turned the water on. Letting it run for a bit to warm it up, I turned and saw my reflection. My red curls were tangled in a wild mess. The dark circles around my eyes were blatantly obvious. Jesus, It looked like I aged ten years in just the past couple days.

"Harper said he sounded about as good as you look."

Shit. If what Harper said was even half true, that meant that I wasn't the only one in hell right now. I wasn't trying to hurt Ollie when I left. It was the last thing in the world I would ever want to do to him. But I knew that he would give up that job for me and I couldn't let that happen. Not when he worked so hard for it. Especially not after everything he did for me.

Jackson's words whispered through my head again. "Did you leave because you were trying to protect him? Or yourself?"

Unable to accept the reality of how on the nose Jackson had been with that, I turned away from the mirror before stripping my clothes and stepping into the hot shower.

***

Happy New Year! 🖤