Running Away

Chapter 3

The tension and awkwardness in the air overwhelms me. It feels odd to be so formal with Shelley. It makes me regret the days I could have called her, but never did. This day wouldn't have showered upon me, more like this very moment wouldn't have showered upon me if I had made the effort to stay in touch.

But what's done is done. There's no changing the past, the history. We are always living in the consequences of our actions. And that's never going to change. Our actions, our choices, our decisions define who we are. If we hadn't made the decisions and the choices we had, I guess we would never be where we are today. For instance, if I had kept in touch with Shelley, I would have never made the mistake of knocking at Rahul's door.

The interiors of Shelley's house are pretty much the same, apart from the few noticeable changes that I am able to spot. Like the television set has been replaced with a thinner and a bigger one, the addition of picture frames to the already existing picture wall, and the change of colour of the previously white walls to shades of blue and green.

A small smile took over my lips. I had spent countless hours here with Shelley and Rahul. Goofing around, watching movies, studying, cooking and what not. I miss those days.

"You can sleep in my mom's room, since she is out of town. You can even have a shower if you'll like to. And do you want something to eat?" Shelley asks as she walks back into the living room.

How she referred to her parent's bedroom as mom's room didn't go missed by me. Though, I decided not to question her on that. I'll ask her when the atmosphere between us gets a little more chilled.

"No, I think I'm good." I offer a smile. "Thank you so much for this, Shelley. Really. This means a lot to me" I say, politely and in an appreciating tone.

"Enough with that already. You would have done the same for me." She says with a genuine smile.

She is right. I wouldn't have hesitated to do the same for her.

I respond with a small smile. My eyes wander off again to the interiors of the house. The smile still plays on my lips. My attention is soon caught by one of the pictures on the wall opposite to me. I step closer to the wall, and take a long look at a picture of Rahul and I. We both are facing each other in that. Rahul is smiling brightly, a smile that reaches his eyes and I am sticking my tongue out. We both look happy and carefree.

I distinctly remember the day the photograph was clicked. It was the at the beginning of 10th Grade. Shelley, Rahul and I had decided to go out and chill for an entire day before the school began. So, we had started our day with a movie, after that we spent a few hours bowling. Finally when we got tired of bowling, we grabbed a long, devouring lunch at a good restaurant. And that's where the photo was clicked, while we waited for our lunch to arrive. After lunch, we spent the afternoon shopping and peacefully ended our day by sitting at top of a hill, watching the sunset as the chilled wind brushed past us.

It was the most perfect day. I still remember the day well, because that was the last time we spent a complete day together, having fun and enjoying each other's company.

And then 10th grade started, and slowly Rahul started to slip away from us. We weren't his priority anymore.

The small smile on my face curves down. The feeling of desolation takes over me. That year was bad and hectic.

"I love that picture. We were happy then." Shelley says as she observes the photograph that has my attention hooked.

"Yeah," I mutter, feeling sad. My eyes fixated on the photograph.

"Do you want to talk?" I hear Shelley ask after a few seconds. I turn around to face her. Her face is etched with concern.

"Talk about what?" I ask, confused and curious.

"Your thoughts and why are you really here?" Shelley asks, bluntly but at the same time sympathetically.

"I already told you why I am here, I came to meet Rahul." I say, unassertive. My eyes furrow in confusion. I clearly remember answering this question to Shelley.

"That's bullshit and even you know it. That's not the real reason you are here. There's something else." Shelley states, dismissively and narrows her eyes at me. Suspicion masks her face. Her body language demands answers. True answers.

"It is." I insist, but my voice betrays me. It doesn't sound as confident I as intended it to.

"Oh please. You would never willingly come to meet Rahul, not even if he is on his deathbed." She says with conviction.

Her words, shock me. How could she say such a thing?

"What makes you say that?" I ask, slight anger is laced with my voice.

"I know you Avni, and I know the way you act. And you would never in your right mind come back to mend your broken relations with Rahul." She states, firmly.

"Maybe I did come to do exactly that. To mend relations." I challenge forcefully. Her attitude is riling me up. She doesn't know me. What she knows is the five year older version of me. How can she talk to me like that?

"Then what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at Rahul's house?" She questions, innocently. A nasty smirk forms over her lips when I don't reply. She knows she has me cornered. I have no option but to tell her the truth.

The truth, I didn't want to get into. The truth, I know I will be judged upon.

I heave a long sigh.

So much for not wanting to open up and talk about things. I mentally nod my head in dismay.

"I ran away from home." I state, grumpily. I didn't like the fact that Shelley is forcing the truth out of me. She has always been annoying this way. She has to know things when she wants to know. She never gives the other person the liberty to take their time, get comfortable with the situation and then share it when they feel like it. That is never the case with Shelley. She will make you say it out loud even when you don't want to. But there are times you admire this very quality of Shelley. 

"Why did you run away?" She asks, curious and concerned.

"I don't know.... To unwind? Things haven't been pleasant at home for a long time and I simply couldn't take it anymore. So, I packed my bags and left." I say monotonously. A sorrow-filled expression takes over my face.

"That's so typical of you!" Shelley comments sharply and rolls her eyes.

"Excuse me, what?" I ask, offended by her words and actions.

"Don't act so offended. You know you run at the first sign of distress. You never stay back long enough or have the patience to resolve your issues. You run when things don't go your way. You think running away is magically going to erase all the problems and never bother you anymore. But you never realise how wrong you are. You run away, and things simply get worse, they don't get better." She states, bluntly.

I wince, aghast by her words.

Tension-filled silence settles over us. None of us say anything.

I'm caught off guard by Shelley's statement, but the more I think over her words, the more I can't help but agree with her.

She is right. I run. I run when things get tough. I run when things don't go as I expect them to. I run hoping the problems will stay behind me. I ran away five years ago when things started to get messed up with Rahul. I fled from home, because I couldn't handle the tension anymore. I scurried away the moment I saw Rahul a hour ago.

All I have been doing is running. Running away from problems, from situations, from anything and everything unpleasant.

This realisation has hit me like a ton of bricks falling over me.

I never give myself the time to stick around and work things out. Instead, I opt for the easier option; bottle up the feelings, throw them away in the ocean in the hope to never be reconnected with them again.

I have been a coward all my life.

And now, I am not sure how I feel about it. I never expected myself to be a coward. I always thought I am a brave and a strong person. But the reality is I'm actually emotionally weak and a chicken.

My eyes turn blurry, again. There are just so many things I have run away from. Things I have refused to face. Things I have ignored and left behind, thinking I'll start anew. A new place, a new life. But I am so wrong. I have been wrong all along. Running away has only heightened my problems, not lessen them.

I weave my hands through my hair, all the while thinking only one thing. What have I done?

How did I turn out this way? When did I get this way?

I feel repulsed by my actions. This is not the type of person I want to be. I don't want to be the person who runs away from problems, but that's exactly what I have been doing subconsciously. All my life. And I never realised it, not once.

"Hey, I'm sorry if that was a little too rude." Shelley says, apologetically as she places her hand over my shoulder. An act of comforting. Though it failed to comfort me, instead it made me want to cry out loud.

And I do, I give up the control I've over myself and I let my tears flow.

Shelley immediately envelopes me in a hug and starts running her hand up and down on the back of my head as my head rests in the nook of her shoulder.

"Hey, don't cry. It's all okay." Shelley whispers as she pats my back repeatedly.

I snuggle in closer to her, seeking comfort.

It's been a long day. Too many things have happened over the day's time. Too many unpleasant situations and revelations.

I didn't know what to do. I'm way more lost than I was this morning. I feel dejected. How am I ever going to cope with years of mistakes and ignoring of my problems? Every mess I ran away from hasn't left me.

I have been sleeping off on my problems all these years, hoping come morning I'll have an answer to them, a new perspective, but the only thing that did happen is I forgot about them being a problem. I pretended to move on, and the pretending soon turned into believes. Believes that said everything is okay and fixed.

I am far from fixed problems. And now that I'm aware of my behavioural pattern, I wonder, if I will actually stay back and solve them, instead of running away again?

I mean, we all know that old habits die hard.