Running Away

CHAPTER 2

"We'll always have each other, right?" He asked in a low distant voice.

"Why would you ask such a thing?" I asked, astounded.

"I don't know. But tell me Avni, will you always be next to me? No matter what?" He asked, his tone was firm and serious. His brown eyes bore intensely into mine. Something was bothering him. I knew that, but I didn't know what. I wanted to know what was wrong with him, but I decided against it. He'll tell me when he is ready. I'm certain of it.

"I'll always be next to you. No matter what, Rahul. You'll always have me." I replied, flashing a warm smile his way.

"You promise?" He asked, looking hopeful.

"I got your back. You got mine. Through thick and thin. Through sweet and sour. Through chocolates and fumes." I said. An overwhelmed smile covered my face. "Remember that whenever you feel low and scared, okay? I'll always be here. I promise."

"Yeah, we'll always have each other." Rahul confirmed and smiled. The smile reached his eyes. The smile conveyed that he believed in us and our strength to get through anything and everything.

That certain memory keeps replaying within my subconscious mind. If you ask me, why that certain memory? I'd say, I don't know. I wish I could stop the rerun of those hopeful days, but the remote control seemed to be broken.

Varied thoughts float around the arena of my brain in chaotic circles. My thoughts are as entangled as an earphone wire. I want to get them straight, but that only builds on more headache. Instead of helping me resolve the issue at hand.

I'm sitting on a lonely bench rooted outside Rahul's apartment building, trying to create a plan of action. The plan of action, I should have made before leaping over to another city and into Rahul's life, unannounced. But such a peculiar thing never happened. I let myself take impulsive decisions. And this is where my impulsive decisions have left me. With nothing and no one.

Now, let's go over another fact that completes the wholesomeness and perfectness of this very moment. I should be figuring out where I should be staying for the night. Calling people, calling in favours, but instead my brain is busy thinking about Rahul.

Rahul, the guy who now stands at a height of almost six foot. The guy, who now has broad muscular shoulders and perfectly toned arms. The guy, who once had a sweet boyish voice, but now it's been altered to sound more grown-up and a little rough.

I am stranded and alone in the middle of the night, but my thoughts revolve only around Rahul and the devastating conversation we just had. I'm sure if this keeps up, chances are I am going to find myself turning this bench into my residence.

I wish to scream at the top of my voice, kick and punch walls, stomp my feet in aggravation, instead another round of stream of tears rolls down my face. Making me feel more vulnerable, scared and lonely. Like I am left alone to defend myself against strangers who know my weaknesses.

I wish to confront with someone. Talk my heart out, but I am alone in an almost strange city. And being here only takes me back to the days when this city used to be my home. The most painful and sad part, it only reminds me of Rahul.

The guy who I hadn't physically seen in five years has gracefully and easily topped my chart of 'Things to worry about'. I was already emotionally disturbed when I left home. I left home so I could have some peace of mind. But at the end of the day, where do I end up? I end up on a secluded bench in a strange city, crying. Did I attain my peace of mind? Well, the whole scene with Rahul certainly did help me to forget about the worries of home. I just latched on to a new thing to stress and worry about.

It's funny how my brain chooses to prioritize Rahul over finding a roof to rest under.

Strange how things work.

'Rahul's not coming to your rescue, nor is thinking about that going to help you.' I keep reminding myself. I need to stay focused and work on the real problem here.

I need to figure out who else I could go to. Who can I ask for help? Who will be willing to adhere to a stranger?

I wish that Shelley still lived here. I would have gone to her house. Even though the last time I talked to her was three years ago, but I knew she would have at least let me stay for the night. Unfortunately, she has moved to Delhi.

Why didn't I say anything to Rahul? Why would I leave? We could have talked and sorted things out. It's never too late to do the right thing, right? He even came running after me, then why didn't I stay?

I bellow out a frustrated whimper and curse myself for being an idiot. I should have said something, done something, other than fleeing the scene like a coward.

I press my palms against my forehead as my elbows take support against my thighs. I crane my head down and let the feeling of dejection cruise through me.

In the game of chess, you have to think through varied options, before you settle on a move to play. Playing without thinking is an ambush you create for yourself. Impulsive acts only get you into trouble. And that's exactly where I am at. At the highest level of problem.

Checkmate.

My series of non-thought out actions has gracefully led me here.

"Avni? Avni Rathod?" I hear a faint unsure voice call out. Looking up, I find that standing across from me is a raven-coloured haired girl, who is about the same height as me. A batman hoodie and gray pajamas covers her lean body. She stares at me expectantly and at the same time she looks a little dubious.

The moment lasts for a few seconds, before her expression changes to a surprised happy look.

"Oh my god! It is you!" She exclaims.

I take a long look at the face before me, trying to recognize it. The pair of almond shaped grey eyes catch my attention. I know those eyes. They flicker love and warmth, just the way they always did.

"Shelley." I say, loud enough for her to hear.

"The one and only!" She says with the brightest smile. I stand up, as she minimizes the distance between us. Soon I am embraced in a quick, but tight hug.

All this while I have been thinking she is in Delhi.

I find myself smiling as we step away from each other. "So, what are you doing here? And why does it look like you have been crying?" She asks. The last part of her question is etched with concern.

And just like that, my smile fades away.

Her questions throws me off. I didn't know what to say. What am I doing here? Why did I come here? I had no fair answer to those questions. At least nothing that I wouldn't be judged too hard on.

Saying that I ran away, would bring about a lot of unwanted questions and me having to dive into the details. So very unwanted for the moment. I didn't want to talk, or explain. I wanted to be by myself. Rest my eyes for while, hoping come morning, I would have answers and solutions to the chaos and the problems.

I know I said that I wished to confront with someone a while ago, but now that I have a person standing before me, someone I can talk my heart out to. It simply didn't feel right. I feel much more comfortable keeping my problems and emotions to me.

I couldn't say any of that. I couldn't state why I left my home and came here. At least not right now.

So, I opted for the next best reply I could think of. Hoping it would sound legit, I announce. "I came to meet Rahul."

Not completely true and nor is it a complete lie. Well technically, I didn't come to meet Rahul, but I did indirectly because I was hoping I could stay with him for a couple of nights.

"Rahul?" She asks, surprised. "So, did you meet him?"

Shelley knew about all the things that went down between us. I use to tell her everything back then. Though, I am not sure how much of it she really even remembers now.

"Yeah, I did." I say in a small voice.

"I take it that it didn't go well.' She states.

"Something like that." I say and she doesn't question anymore. I am glad she didn't pester me more over it.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, to keep the conversation going. I still haven't gotten over the surprise of meeting Shelley.

"I live here, or have you forgotten that?" She asks as an amused smile plays on her lips.

"I do remember that, and I also remember you telling me that you were shifting to Delhi like three years ago or something." I say, trying to remember the brief five minute conversation we had over the phone.

"Oh, that. I just moved back here like five months ago." She says with finality coaxed in her tone.

"Ohh," I murmur. I didn't know what more to say.

An awkward, intense silence settles over us. Shelley's eyes were furrowed, causing heavy crease lines over her forehead. She looked dazed and troubled.

I shouldn't have brought up the topic.

"Hey, I am sorry. I didn't know." I say, softly and in a concerned tone.

"It's all right. Things happen, you just have to deal with them." She states, dismissively and forces up a small smile on her face.

"So anyway, where are you off to then?" She asks, eyeing the bags placed against the legs of the lonely bench.

I look at them, and suddenly the feeling of hopelessness settles in again. I still didn't have a place to crash.

"Well, I don't know actually." I say, hesitantly.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" She demands.

"I was hoping I could stay at Rahul's but..." I say, in complete honesty.

"Ohh," Shelley mutters. "Hey, you can spend the night at my place. It would be fun. We'll even have enough time to catch up." She says. Her tone changes to that of excitement.

"Umm, you sure about it? I don't want to get in your way." I say, feeling a little awkward about the whole situation.

"Oh, nonsense! You are no hassle. I would be delighted to be your host." She chirps and bends down to pick up one of the bags and starts walking towards her apartment, which is in the same building as Rahul's.

I pick up the second bag and follow her into the building. This whole arrangement felt a little weird, even though this is what I was hoping for in case Shelley still lived here. And now that I know she still lives here, I couldn't help but feel a little awkward about it.

I am not as close to Shelley as I was before. Because of not talking with her for all these years, there is a feeling of formality that has built up. I don't know what to say to her or how to act. Should I be with her the way I always use to act around her, or be the person who is trying hard to impress a stranger? I couldn't decide. And also, let's not forget the feeling of guilt that has comfortably settled at the pit of my stomach. Guilt of not staying in touch with her, for letting her go even when she meant the whole world to me.

I got your back. You got mine.

Those lines still rolled around in my mind, in continuous cycles. We had said those words to each other countless numbers of times. And we have always abided by our words. There were times we would get angry at each other and not talk for a while, but even then we would be there for each other, in case the need did arise.

I always had someone I could count on. I had a friend who would listen to all my whimpers, deal with my bipolar attitude and still be there the next day. I had a best friend who had my back. And I missed him.

I wish I could turn back the wheels of time and correct my mistakes, do things a little differently, change my decisions. Maybe then, I would still be happily spending moments with Rahul, creating flabbergastingly stupid but worthwhile memories. I would still have a best friend.

I know five years is a lot of time to grow and make new friends. Friends you can count on to be with you. And I did have friends back at home. I could count on them. I could have left my house and stayed with them, but I didn't. It simply didn't feel right to me. Maybe because it was too close of a distance from where my parents lived. Or the chances of them finding me and bringing me home were higher there. Whatever it was, getting out of that city seemed like the most appropriate thing to do. It's far away from everything I so badly wanted to get away from. I don't regret fleeing home.

My friends from back home could have helped me find a place to stay here, in this strangely familiar city in case what happened with Rahul did happen. But I didn't feel like turning to anyone of them for help. They don't even know I left town. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. I am glad they aren't aware of the fact that I ran away. I am far far away from home, and I feel lightheaded about it.

And whereas, about showing up at Rahul's house, unannounced. I still don't know how to explain that. My gut persuaded my decision and has left me to face my bottled up feelings. Feelings that haven't been released in the last five years. The feelings that still affect my life and my decisions.

Rahul was a huge part of my life, and our relationship got messed up. For fifteen years we had been together and then, we weren't anymore. All because of one big fight and a lot of misunderstandings.

And the grudges still prevails among us, keeping us apart. And maybe, if we did get a chance, we would be able to work things out.

The hurt, sorrow filled face of Rahul from before flashes before me. The same look I had gotten use to seeing on an almost daily basis five years ago. The look on his face pained me. It made me miss the days we use to laugh together all the time.

The most recent memory of his played in my mind. He looked at me with so much hurt and hatred. And after what happened today, I didn't know where we stood. Would it be wise to try to mend things?

Okay, maybe not. Maybe it's too late. Too late to make amendments. Too late to start healing and mending our relationship.

But right now, our relationship is like an old wooden plank. A wooden plank damaged over time due to termites. And one wrong step would be enough to break it off completely.

The risk of trying to heal the situation is far greater than letting it be the way it is.

We don't have each other completely, but the feeling of anger and disappoint still persists between us. And I think that's better than not having him at all.

Right?