Chapter Nineteen

A/N: Okay, but I'm so excited for the next couple chapters. I spent my english class planning out the 4 possible endings I have after chapters 19-20 and I am so pumped! Enjoy this chapter!! xx

Three weeks have passed.

Yuu would say things feel like they're normal, but he'd be lying.

There was less than a week before he turned eighteen. Less than a week until his coronation. Less than a week until he'd be forever wed to Shinoa.

It was like he was walking straight into an inescapable hell with no way to turn around.

Yuu has spent the past three weeks pouring all his concentration into exactly what his parents wanted from him. He stayed up late, straining his eyes to study under the soft candlelight. Every Sunday he practiced fencing with Shinya, and by some miracle, he was slowly improving (to the point where he actually beat Shinya a couple of times). Yuu appreciated fencing as a safe outlet to release his frustrations, and he felt himself getting mentally and physically stronger as a result. He was horseback riding every weekend too. Chi still hated him, but he hadn't been bucked off her back since that accident a month ago and Yuu even brushed her mane once. He was also preparing for his orchestra performance, which meant practicing his violin for two hours every afternoon.

Since the fiasco with the crown's disappearance, nothing has been stolen from the castle since, which immensely pleased his parents (though, King Ichinose got enraged from time to time that the culprit was never found). They'd received many tips from greedy commoners looking for rewards - accurate to Yuu's prediction - but after proving the suspects innocent, they were left at square one once again. Eventually, Yuu's parents gave up and ordered a identical crown to be made.

Besides school, Yuu hadn't interacted much with anyone - mainly because he refused to talk to his friends about what was going on, though he knew Shinoa most likely filled in everyone on the juicy details - and the isolation was seriously getting to him. Yuu knew it was partially his fault, because he kept pushing away the people who genuinely cared about him and couldn't escape the ones who didn't. His messed-up thought process alluded to the idea that ignoring everything and everyone would make the problem go away eventually.

The clock struck five, signaling it was time to take a break from his studies to practice his violin. Yuu sighed, closing his Latin book and putting everything away into his satchel before finding his violin case under his bed. He lugged the heavy container onto his bed, unlatching it and revealing the shiny violin inside.

He retrieved the instrument, holding it by the neck as he grabbed the bow. Just as he was about to set his music up on his music stand, he felt a cool breeze rush in through his open window. A chill went down his spine and he turned around immediately, breathing a sigh of relief when it was just the window opening on its own.

The wind felt nice, Yuu realized, and he decided today he'd get some fresh air and practice outside today.

He opened the double doors leading his balcony all the way, dragging the music stand and music in one hand and his violin and bow in the other, because only wimps make two trips. Yuu readjusted everything to his liking and flipped to the first page of his piece - the fourth movement of Bach's Violin Sonata No. 3 in C major - before positioning the chin rest under his chin.

Yuu took a breath to steady himself, feeling his entire inside swell with anticipation before he dragged the bow across the strings for the first note and he was off.

The allegro tempo of the sonata was like that of a bird, free and fleeting. The notes were like second nature now; because he could play the rhythms like clockwork, his mind wandered off to places he didn't allow himself to think of, let alone speak about with others.

He thinks of all the things in his life that are inescapable right now: how he is forced to court a girl he isn't interested in, marry her in a week, being forced into extracurricular activities he isn't passionate about, and pretending to be someone he's not just to please his overbearing parents.

Yuu wondered if his parents actually loved him, or they just loved the idea of him. Perhaps his parents were just artists; they wanted to chip away at the flaws, hide the bad spots, and paint him into a picture good enough to show off to others.

He knew the moment his parents found out the real reason why he ran off during the king's speech, he'd never be allowed to see the light of day again.

Is this really a way to live? Yuu thought, his throat dry and his stomach hollow. To be controlled by someone else? To be a side character in one's own story? To be nothing but a marionette?

He thought back to the women jealous of him at the town square. If only they knew what it was really like to be a prince. Surely then they wouldn't be so infatuated with his seemingly perfect life.

And then his heart sank, because he knew part of the reason why his life was going to fall apart because of the stupid decisions he's made recently. Regret flooded his heart as he thought of his lies to Mika and he faltered on one of the notes, emitting a screeching sound from his violin.

Picking up on the measure he left off, his heart was racing as fast as the music. He wondered why it hurt so damn much to see Mika cry like that, and it made him think why he was so attached to Mika in the first place. It was only by chance that they met in the first place; it could've been anyone else paying for his drink in that run-down pub - would he have been as obsessed with that person too?

No, Yuu didn't think so, because Mika was different from anyone he'd ever met. Mika welcomed adventure; craved it, even. Mika was undoubtedly kind, the kind of person who'd sweet-talk their way into trustworthiness from even the most reserved person. Yuu hadn't ever seen eyes that sparkled so passionately when he spoke. At first Yuu thought it may have been jealousy he had for the blonde, but he knew it was different from that. Mika made Yuu want to be by his side forever, because that meant a lifetime of freedom, and for once, happiness.

He didn't want to admit it to himself, but he knew the real reason why he cared so much was because he wasn't just alone, he was lonely.

Yuu realized he had stopped playing; he had finished the musical piece with a flourish a while ago and now he was just standing still, steadying himself with even breaths. His face felt wet, and when he reached to touch his cheek, he realized had started crying somewhere in between his inner turmoil. A sickening lump had formed in his throat, and he cursed himself for letting his emotions get the better of him. Yuu swallowed the sadness before returning the violin's chinrest to the crook under his chin and started the sonata again.

It doesn't matter how I feel, Yuu told himself, and as much as it pained him to accept it, he knew it was the truth. Because I've already gone and screwed things up. I made the choice to lie to the only person I felt like I could be myself to, and now I have to deal with being alone once again.

- - - -

After somehow managing to fall asleep, Yuu's eyes cracked open when the grandfather clock struck two in the morning.

"Fuck it," Yuu whispered to the darkness of his room. Unable to fall back asleep, he tore the duvet off his body and got out of bed. He was so fucking sick of moping around and feeling bad for himself. He was so fucking tired of hating himself for stupid mistakes he couldn't fix. And most of all, he was fucking done with other people telling him who he should be.

"I'm eighteen years old, for fuck's sake," He hissed to himself, tugging a pair of woolen socks, hopping around as he pulled on his boots. "I am in charge of my life, and I can make any decision I damn well please." He then proceeded to stumble over a misplaced book and fall into the rug, getting a faceful of carpet, but got up with most of his dignity intact.

The floor creaked under the weight of Yuu's heavy boots as he quietly peered around the corner to check on Shiori-san. She was fast asleep in her servant's quarters, a book perched on her face. Yuu breathed a sigh of relief and shut her door as softly as he could before sneaking back into his bedroom.

He hardly remembered to grab a jacket before heading towards the balcony doors. Throwing them open, he was immediately welcomed by a cool breeze; the frigid air whipped at his face, immediately chilling him. He clenched his teeth and tugged the jacket on, quickly hopping over the balcony and jumping to catch onto the branch. He swung, frozen in the air before dropping to the ground in a crouch.

Yuu didn't even allow himself to recover from the landing before running off the castle grounds, looking paranoidly in all directions for any guards on night watch. Thankfully the only guards on the outside were nearby the king's quarters and the front and rear entrances (at least, as far as he knew - he was going off of sheer adrenaline and luck here). By the time Yuu escaped down the hill and through the nobility neighborhood, he was practically shivering from the cold.

During his escape, he was too focused on getting as far away from the castle as possible, so Yuu hadn't noticed it was snowing. Flurries of soft white spun towards the ground, beginning to collect on the grass and stone. The world started to look like an unfinished painting; the patches of white removed all color, as if waiting for the artist's hand to return.

The soft glow of the moonlight being his only guide, Yuu kept running towards the city even though some of the snow was melting and making the ground slippery. His legs were burning too, and his breath was pale against the numbing air, but the only thing on Yuu's mind was fixing his stupid mistake (or maybe it was to confirm Mika never wanted to see him again - either way, he needed the closure). The snowflakes melted in his hair and on his uncovered face.

It made him wish he had covered up more; it was so cold and his thin fleece pajamas were not doing enough to keep him warm, but there was no going back now. He wouldn't turn around for the world.

He stumbled into the sleeping city with only one thought on his brain. He maneuvered through the deserted streets, passing snow-capped trees and running through puddles of melted snow. Heading to Mika's address, Yuu surprised himself how easily he found the place. It was like he instinctually remembered where Mika lived (almost as if he knew he'd need to remember where it was someday).

An eerie chill ran down his spine as he went up the steps to Mika's home; the snow crunching loudly under his boots. Whirling around, he looked over his shoulder to see if anyone was following him. He squinted to see through the darkness but saw nothing. Blinking back tears, Yuu turned around to come face-to-face with Mika's front door.

He hesitated the slightest moment, wondering if this was a bad idea. It was the middle of the night, after all - what if he didn't even come to the door? Then the sinking feeling returned to his chest, and he remembered how badly he needed to do this. To apologize.

Yuu knocked on the wooden door impatiently, then instantly regretted it. He began to thunder down the steps, hoping he could escape into the darkness and forget it all together. He heard the door click, and then the door was cracked open. "Hello?" Yuu heard Mika's voice; groggy from sleep and scared from the unexpected visitor in the middle of the night. "Who's there?"

"Uh, hi," Yuu said from the bottom of the steps lamely, shooting him a lopsided smile.

"Wait, is that you, Yuu-chan?" Mika gasped, throwing the door wide open. He too was in his pajamas, and adorable bunny slippers that made Yuu laugh. "I thought you'd never come back- hey, is everything okay? Jesus, you look like you're freezing-"

And then Yuu just fucking broke, because he just can't handle it anymore and Mika was rushing down the steps after him, eyes so full of caring and love it made him shut down and forget about everything he planned to say to the boy.

He flew into Mika's arms, pulling him close and burying his head into his shoulder, starting to sob. "Mika, I'm so, so sorry," He cried. "I- I know I shouldn't have lied. I didn't want to, I just thought you wouldn't look at me the same way if you knew."

Mika took him into a tight hug, and he felt so warm, smelled like warm and suddenly, Yuu's heart was swelling with warmth and he had never realized how cold he was until this very moment. He was whispering consolidations, shushing and soothing him to calm him down.

"But I hate it!" Yuu hiccupped. "I hate the person I have become. I just wanted you to see the person I could be. I'm so tired of being me. I'm so lonely, Mika... I'm just so tired of being alone."

"Yuu-chan, don't say that," Mika whispered. "You're not alone, okay? You have me. I'll be by your side as long as you let me." Mika promised, and he pulled back, but taking his hands. Yuu saw that he was smiling, but his eyes were watering. "Your lips are practically blue! Come on inside, I'll make you some tea. What do you like? Honestly, Yuu-chan, you're so reckless sometimes."

"Yeah," Yuu agreed, his voice shaking from the cold (or at least he'd like to blame it on the weather) No one had ever called him reckless before. And yet, he was starting to become more rebellious. And he liked it. "Anything you have is fine," he added, a small chuckle escaping his -apparently blue - lips.

"Well, come on then." Mika ushered him towards the door. Yuu took one last look outside before taking a step forward (and as they walked up the steps leading up to his house, Mika refused to let go of Yuu's hand).

Yuu's heart skipped a beat when Mika squeezed his hand reassuringly, and when he looked at Yuu with worry, he felt himself melt.

God, what is happening to me?

Actually, screw that thought. Yuu didn't fucking care anymore. He was willing to admit it: he enjoyed the feeling of his heart beating at an irregular pace. His breath hitching when Mika looked at him like he was special, like Yuu meant something to him. He liked the proximity as their shoulders brushed. Knowing this was so totally wrong, yet it felt enticing; exhilarating, even.

And so he thought to the hatred of his world, bring it on.