With Harry and I not really speaking, it includes me sleeping on my own again. Two nights ago while I laid in bed staring up at the ceiling unable to fall asleep, I heard a knock at the door. At first, I didn't think anything of it because:

1. Harry doesn't knock. Apparently, he saves that for the people worthy of it. Also known as everyone in the world who isn't me.

Charming, I know.

2. It was so soft and faint that it was barely heard so it could've been a figment of my imagination.

But the thing is that I knew it wasn't and he really did knock at the door because I heard my name sound through the room and a shiver ran down my spine as my body recognized the voice instantly.

But then it was gone. And it never came back.

Even right now as I lay in that position tonight, I yearn for the sweet sound again while at the same time never wanting it within earshot ever again. I'll admit one thing though.

I sort of need him.

And I don't like that I do.

Ever since the first night he held me in his arms as we slept, I haven't woken up dripping in sweat from the nightmare that always takes me back to that night. For the past few months, I haven't been afraid to fall asleep and I've been able to catch a full night's rest.

All because he was with me.

Now that he's not, I can't sleep...I can't dream peacefully...I can't even get in at least four hours of uninterrupted rest.

You get the coffee now?

I decide to head downstairs and sit by the pool. The breeze is cold and the sky is dark, my arms and legs grew goosebumps as they failed to adapt to the temperature. But I didn't care as long as I was away from the empty, glum room. My eyes stayed fixed on the still water of the pool getting lost in my thoughts as the little noises coming from the street at this late hour comforted me.

I blink for the first time in I don't know how long when I feel warmth drape over my shoulders, instantly diminishing some of the cold.

"Stay warm" I feel the familiar tone of his voice echo in every part of me, making me long to hear it even more. My eyes look up and are met with shining emerald eyes filled with remorse and guilt but also longing. He misses me just as much as I miss him.

Even when we're in the same house together.

Even when we know we shouldn't.

My voice gets lost in my throat.

"Couldn't sleep?" He asks but I still don't respond. I think I forgot how. He ignores this though, and decides to take a seat on the lounge chair right next to me, "Yeah, me neither"

A couple moments pass by with us in complete silence. I'm fighting a war inside on whether I should remove myself from this situation.

I lose all sense of self control around him. He makes me feel and do things that I'd never have the courage to experience on my own.

And that terrifies me. More than he knows.

He decides to break the silence, cutting through it like a knife, with words that make me want to throw myself off a cliff.

"I thought you should know that I broke up with Kendall," he pauses with a sigh, probably after seeing my entire body go rigid, and then continues, "Our relationship wasn't really going anywhere. That's why I texted her to come over...to talk. I didn't intentionally keep this from you-"

He keeps talking, filling my ears with words that should bring me relief. And it does which makes me feel like such a bad person. But it does because he's trying to justify that what we did was okay, for my sake at least.

But he still broke up with her and a part of me feels like it's my fault. I would never tell him this though because even with one less reason as to why what we did was wrong, there are still so many other reasons outweighing it. And it hurts. It hurts because I'm fighting a war with myself that I know I'll have to lose.

I start to get up, pulling the blanket he rested on my shoulders off. I'm tired of this. I have enough to deal with already and being around Harry is not doing me any good.

"We're not doing this again, Harry...I can't" I'm shocked by the emotion in my voice, pleading with him to understand me. But he doesn't. He's determined, pulling on my wrist before I go any further.

"Mia- I'm really really trying to understand you but I can't when you don't talk to me"

I feel myself starting to bubble over. The feelings are getting to be too much but I can't let them out for the fear of them becoming real.

I don't want to talk.

"Because there is nothing to talk about! What could there possibly be to talk about, hmm?" I exclaimed, getting to my feet again, pulling my wrist out of his grip, feeling the skin tingle where his fingers touched but I try my best not to let it show, "If you're thinking what I think you're thinking about then you have got to be delusional"

"What's so wrong with that, Mia? Tell me so I'll know if I need to get my head checked" He challenges, cocking an eyebrow and tilting his head at me while he stands up too, towering over me.

"Everything! Why can't you see that?!" Why am I the only one seeing everything that's wrong here? He's blinded, letting what little pros exist to overpower the cons.

He drops his challenging stare and just looks at me for a few seconds, his features softening with each passing second.

"Let me ask you this," He then takes a few cautious steps toward me, watching me as though I'm a lost puppy, until our fronts almost touch and I gasp at the sudden closeness. "Do you not want me to touch you like this?" His hands meet my own and start to fiddle with my fingers, "Do I make you uncomfortable when I do this?" His hand comes up, fingers dragging up my arms to my shoulders and back down, leaving goosebumps in their wake. His voice comes down to a whisper, bringing his lips to my ear, pressing a kiss, so soft that my eyes almost roll back into my head, right below my ear lobe and then say "Do you think about me as much as I think about you...because fucking hell I can't get you out of my head."

He's trapping me and he knows it. Making me let my guard down and surrender to him. He works more kisses all the way down my neck until his mouth reaches my collarbone. Our bodies mesh firmly together, and one of his hands finds my lower back while the other settles on my hips, keeping me flush against him.

I can't move. I'm literally panting for breath, wondering where my earlier conviction disappeared to. Where's the Mia who knows that this shouldn't be happening?

I'll look for her later.

"Do you like it when I kiss you?"

Oh wait. Just found her. The way I so desperately wanted to scream yes at him was enough for me to release myself from him.

"That's not the point..." I look away to hide how flustered he's making me.

He steps back too, not hiding his obvious frustration at me.
"Mia, please say something. Yell at me if you have to- just say something...anything. I can't take it when you shut me out"

"I'm not shutting you out. I'm just trying to deal with this the best that I can"

"Okay so tell me what you're thinking. We'll figure it out together"

No.

I don't say anything.

"Are you mad at me?"

"I was." The look in his eyes chips away at me, breaking me down piece by piece. It's sad, filled with remorse, pleading with me. And I can't find it in me to lie to him anymore."I should be but I just can't find it in me to be"

He smiles, almost relieved at my answer and my heart flutters at the sight, bringing us right back to square one. The place I'm trying to move away from.

"Why are you here, Harry?"

"Do you want me to leave?" Again, his challenging stare returns. He can read me. He knows me. Better than I'd like to admit. He can see me trying to run and he'd be damned if he let me run away from this.

"I think the proper question is, do I want to leave...but I can't so I guess I'm stuck here with you" I'm staying for Mariangeli. I want her to be happy. But I don't tell him this so my response seems to anger him, hurt him.

"Look, if you want to leave then that's fine. I won't stop you if that's what you really want. But what I can't do is let you leave without talking about this first."

He keeps insisting that we talk about this when that's the absolute last thing that I want to do. Not when I'm practically falling apart inside in front of him. Not when everything about him is holding me ransom.

"What is there to talk about, Harry? We kissed while you had a girlfriend and you didn't tell me. There's nothing more for us to do than to forget the whole thing. Especially when you won't tell her."

I need to stop acting like the victim about this. We made this mistake together. We are both responsible. But I feel horrible. The level of guilt that I feel right now is so great that it makes me sick to my stomach.

And he knows. Of course, he does.
"Yes, I was wrong. It gnaws at me every day when I think about it. And it kills me to know that I put you in such a position. But Mia, if that kiss has taught me anything, it's that you can't deny whatever this is between us. You know me, more than anyone else. You know that I'd never ever in my lifetime do something like that. Don't you think it meant something?" I can't look at him. He'd see right through me and know that I feel it too. "I have tried so hard to fight this. I've been fighting this for so long that I couldn't hold it in anymore and I know you know what I'm talking about because I felt it. That wasn't any ordinary kiss, Mia"

Don't...don't you dare think about that kiss again, Mia!

"I really wish you would've told me about Kendall" I'm still looking away from him, more at my feet, trying to hide what I feel.

"If I did, do you think it would've turned out differently? If anything, it would have made you feel worse than-"

My head snaps up immediately, ready to shoot him down.
"It wouldn't have because if I knew, that kiss would've never happened. I would've made sure of it."

He moves closer again, not as close as before but still close enough for our breaths to mingle, and takes my chin between his thumb and pointer finger, raising my eyes to him.

"And what if there was no Kendall? What then?"

"It wouldn't have changed a thing," I said, looking straight into his eyes without blinking. I wanted to regret it, seeing his eyes gloss over with hurt but it needed to be said.

"You don't mean that"

"Yes I do," I say seriously, pulling my face away from his fingers, "In any scenario, I would still say the same thing over and over again. Truth is, I've thought about this a lot Harry and the best thing for us to do is-"

"Don't you dare say that to me, " He cuts me off with a deadly stare. He's acting angry but under all of that is just hurt.

I try to explain my side the best I can. I hate that I'm hurting him but I also have to be rational because then we'd both end up hurt.

"Listen to me, Harry. As much as I wanted to regret that kiss, I can't help the way I feel, " I can't believe I just said that holy shiznits! "But our lives are just too different and I can't be what you want right now and I don't know if I ever will be"

"What are you so scared of? Is this about me being in the band? Are you scared of the attention? Because I can-" I shake my head at him.

""Harry...I can't deal with that kind of lifestyle. I like my life the way it is and most of all, for the first time in years, it feels like I've actually been able to catch my breath. This...us...whatever this is, is already becoming too much for me and we haven't even been snapped by paparazzi yet. I know exactly what it is I'd be getting into if we took this further...I had to see it almost every day while working for Simon and it's not pretty. I have responsibilities to take care of, Harry. A huge one at that. What kind of disaster would I be bringing to her if I decided to be selfish for once? I lost the right to be all spontaneous and risky the day she came into this world, you have to remember that. You have expectations of me...of us. Expectations that I wish I could meet, more than anything right now, and I just can't. Before I can focus on anyone else in my life, I need to prioritize what I already have in front of me"

"I don't care if you have a daughter, Mia. You know that. I love having her around" He's confused. He can't fully understand what I'm saying. Not until I come clean to him.

"I know you do and she does too and I'll be eternally indebted to you for constantly keeping her happy in ways that I can't. But I have my own issues that I need to take care of before I can take on anyone else's. As cliche as this sounds and I never thought I'd ever have to use it, it really is me and not you"

Okay I'm ready for this conversation to be over with now. I'm making myself nervous with how easy it is for these words to fall out of me while he's reveling in the fact that he's finally gotten me to open up to him.

He's not going to let this go. Not anymore, anyway.

"I can help you if you let me in"

"That's the thing. I wish I could but it's hard for me to talk about, Harry. I want to tell you, believe me, I do, but I just can't"

"Try telling me something I don't already know, " He says sarcastically, but there was an underlying tone that makes me curious as to what he is finding hard to tell me. But I can't ask because then it wouldn't be fair, "I just- I want, no I need you to give me more than that for me to just give up on this."

I honestly don't know what else he wants me to say so I say nothing.

"Is this about Kendall? I told you, we're just friends now. That's it. It never would have worked out anyway"

"You say that like we're any better" I let out a scoff and laugh. Why are men so thick-headed?

"Why are you so against this yet you won't give me a reasonable answer?" He's annoyed now. I don't think he found my commentary very amusing. Not that it was intentional but it turned out to be. Just like us. We're a joke.

"Did too"

"Mia, love, why don't you save the trivial answers for someone you haven't known since you were seven" He narrows his eyes at me, crossing his arms. He keeps staring, waiting for me to answer him and I grow more uncomfortable by the second, shifting the weight on my feet over and over again. He stares for a bit more, most likely noticing my obvious apprehension, but then suddenly drops his gaze and plops down on to a lounge chair with a tired sigh, resting his arm over his eyes.

"I don't care. I don't need to know. I'll still wait for you but just know that you don't need to tell me if you don't want to. It's fine"

My body freezes and my eyebrows furrow in confusion. What? "Harry, do you realize what you just said to me? " He nods, still laying back on the lounge chair with his eyes covered. A small smile visible on his lips, "How is that fair to you?"

"It's not about it being fair. It's about you feeling comfortable enough to tell me anything that crosses your mind. Even if it's about your chocolate cravings or everlasting hunger"

"Have you lost your mind?"

"Maybe so but I don't care as long as you're with me. Whatever it is, it won't change the way I feel about you. You don't have to tell me now...or ever, just as long as we have no other secrets from each other" He says coolly, letting out a yawn. I feel anger and frustration boiling inside of me at his nonchalance. He's making it seem that I'll never talk to him about my problems when it's not true. And that's my fault but it's not something I can help. So yes, I'm frustrated that he'd suggest something like that without thought but I'm mostly angry at myself yet I'm taking it out on him.

"Not if it means discarding you dignity! What kind of relationship would we be entering if we left things like this? What kind of life would we have together when you know that I'd be keeping secrets from you? I would never be able to make you happy, Harry and then we'd be building love over a tower of lies and secrets. It wouldn't end well. And how you do think I'd feel to know that I'm keeping things from you, things that could majorly affect you, things that you should know, and you just let it slide? You'd resent me all the time. I just know it"

"No I won't," He springs to his feet, shaking his head at me.

"You don't know that" I narrow my eyes at him, "When I say that we'd never work together, it's not just our different lives or your fame or the long distance but it's also me and my stuff that I need to get through first before I could even think about getting into a relationship with someone"

A few seconds pass by with us not saying anything. Just staring. Leaving so many unsaid words to pass in the space between.

Then he says,

"I'll wait"

Excuse me?

"Harry-"

"No" He silences me with the raise of his hand, his face wearing a serious expression, "I said I'll wait...as long as I have to. I have never felt for someone the way I feel for you, Mia, and I never will again. You can tell me to move on and be happy with someone else but my heart will always belong to you. It's been yours since that very day you came up to me by the swings in the park. I'm not going to push you and force anything out of you. If you want to just be friends for now, I'll take it because at least you'd still be in my life. But just know, when the day comes and you're sure that you're ready, I'd drop everything and come straight to you"

Hello? Heart? Are you there?

I can't feel my heartbeat. I think it stopped. I want nothing more than to throw my arms around him and feel his lips against mine again but I have to be strong.

One of us has to.

"But what if it gets too hard-"

"It's not" He walks closer, bringing his arms around me and pulling me to him in an embrace. "I like things just the way they are"

Instant warmth filled me and my body just melted into him. My arms wrap around his torso and he tightens his arms around me. My cheek rest on his chest and I inhale his familiar scent, never wanting to forget it. Never wanting to forget how he makes me feel.

"Harry?"

"Hmm?"

"Don't let go yet," I surprise myself mumbling into his chest, not even thinking about how desperate I might have sounded. My pulse skips a beat at his heavy sigh and the weight of his chin coming to rest on top of my head.

My eyes instinctively close as he presses a kiss into my hair, "Wasn't planning to, love"