I needed a distraction.

My heart ached in my chest.

My hands itched to pull at my hair.

My smile squashed.

I decided to busy myself with what I intended to since the day I got here.

Study.

If I'd been doing what I was supposed to be doing in the first place, then I wouldn't have caught myself placing my hands where they don't belong. So walking over to my suitcase, I take the heavy textbook under my arm and proceed to leave the room. I head for the same patio from before and take a seat on one of the lounge chairs. The mid-afternoon sun illuminated the scenery beautifully and the cool breeze made my skin tingle. I considered going closer to the pool but then I reminded myself that it would only increase my urges to jump in and I was trying to get some work done so I settled for a chair under the shed on the patio.

It wasn't easy at first, but as the hours passed, it got easier to focus my attention and a las, forget all of my earlier concerns. Before long, the sun had gone down and the outside lights Harry had programmed to come on at a certain time, lit up the area, making the view seem almost magical.

"What are you doing?"

I bolt upright, jumping slightly at the sudden break of silence and dropping the heavy textbook from my hands and on to my big toe. I gasp from the pain that sores through my toe.

Then, I whimper like a dog.

I furrow my eyebrows when the pain shoots again, throbbing erratically, wounding me to the point where I swear under my breath. Harry rushes towards me, reaching out for my injured toe but I instinctively recoil from him, putting some distance between us. His face carries an expression of hurt and overall concern but I dismiss it quickly.

He can't touch me again. I don't think I could take it.

"I'll get the icepack" He says, standing up.

Ah yes. The infamous icepack bought just for my clumsy ass.

Classic.

"Don't!" He stops in his tracks and starts to protest, "Yo chill out, dude. It's not like I'm dying" Emphasis on 'dude'. I said it on purpose. I wanted him to know how upset I was. I wanted him to know how hurt I was.

But he was completely oblivious to my sarcastic, indifferent tone and if he did notice it, he chose not to react.

Instead, my toe took up most of his attention. My frickin' BIG TOE for crying out loud!

I stand to my feet, resisting the urge to wince and resorting to clench my jaw as I try to balance my weight to walk towards the door to exit the patio.

As I get to the door, he steps aside to allow me through the doorway and back into the house. However, he gently grabs my arm before I can walk away any further. I glance down at his hand, pulling my arm away then twist to look at him directly in the eye.

"Everything okay, squeaks?" He asks, his eyes filled to the brim with emotions that I couldn't quite figure out. They were holding me captive when all I wanted to do was hide away and that stupid nickname just pushed me over the edge.

"Me? Oh yeah! Just peachy!" I laughed sarcastically, "By the way, how's your girlfriend?"

His eyes widened in guilt and shock and his body tensed as though the air left his lungs as soon as the words left my mouth.

"Mia, wait-just hear me out-" He tries to reach for my arm again but I manage to pull away right as his fingers grazed me. I situate both of them behind my back knowing how easily I can betray myself when I'm around him. I shake my head at him, silencing him.

He doesn't get to talk.

Either way, how could he possibly talk himself out of this one? There is no other possible interpretation of what I saw with my own two eyes.

And all I could think about is that poor girl...and what I did to her.

His Stockholm Syndrome girl.

I pushed my emotions down. It didn't matter how I felt anymore. If it did in the first place.

But there were more serious things to discuss, "Did you tell her?"

"What?" He asks, confused. I think after the initial shock he prepared to explain himself and not at all expecting me not to care about his side of the story but rather more concerned about the girl we hurt.

"You know what..." I refuse to blink, taking a few more steps back from him and he eyes the space as it grows.

He finally looks back at me, and with that same captivating stare, he says "No"

"What do you mean no?" I say completely baffled. He says no as if it were the most obvious answer yet I can't see the logic behind it, "As her boyfriend, you have to tell her."

"Because it doesn't matter anyway" He explains but all he does is infuriate me.

It doesn't matter?

What we did didn't matter?

"Of course it matters, Harry! What the hell?!" I argue, my hands coming out of hiding and moving gesticulatively with my voice, "It matters that you kissed me, then texted her to come over so that you can do whatever you were going to do. That's fucked up." I retaliate, turning away from him to stride towards my room.

"Wait!" Harry calls after me. He sprints to stand in front of me, discontinuing my tracks. "Mia, hold on." He holds his hands out in the air in front of him, in an attempt to stop me from walking. However, I ignore him and continue to walk around him.

"Would you just hold on?" He blocks my path once again by jumping in front of me.

"What?" I snap.

"I texted her before we...kissed," He explains with an expression of guilt, "I would've never texted her afterward, I wouldn't have done that, I swear. You know I wouldn't"

I also knew that he wasn't the type to cheat but here we are.

"Whatever, " I say.

I dodge around him, but he catches up again.

"Why are you angry?" He insists, his eyes are now pleading. He was phishing, trying to get me to admit to having feelings for him out loud but I couldn't bring myself to give him that satisfaction.

I am angry.

I am jealous, believe it or not.

But most of all, I'm just hurt.

"Because it doesn't matter when you texted her, you still kissed me and made me feel that it was okay. You still cheated and I unknowingly helped you do it. So I'm sorry that I feel like crap for doing something that completely goes against my morals." I blurt.

This time, I push past him and run towards the guestroom, slamming the door shut after me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's safe to say that I've gotten halfway through my studying goal within the past 3 days. Never in my life did I think I would be one to say that I've been running solely on coffee for the past few days but the truth is, I have. I didn't have the time to process the awful taste that I detest but rather welcome the copious amounts of caffeine to keep me going.

Harry hasn't commented on it and surprisingly, has kept his thoughts to himself. It hasn't gone unnoticed by me that he tends to steer himself and Mari away to the other side of the house, away from me, to keep their distance. Sometimes I can hear their laughter echoing through the walls while I beat the books and I smile, at the sound of their happiness while also longing to be with them. But then I remind myself why I'm doing what I'm doing and keep pushing forward and tell myself that it'll be over soon.

I always thought that I had one goal and that one goal was acing these final exams and be on my way to a career full of joy. A career that will complete my split heart. A career that I'd never be unhappy with. Now that I'm almost there, I should be jumping with joy to know that I made it.

And I was...a few days ago.

Now I just can't help but feel as though I'm using this last stretch of the road to avoid Harry as much as possible. We haven't had a full conversation since our argument and I know that we should talk about it but I don't want to. He's made several attempts at striking up a conversation but I guess after a while he gave up and instead focused his energy on Mari.

I don't want to talk.

It makes me feel all these negative emotions about myself that I never thought I'd ever have to feel. It hurts. It hurts so much to know that I did that to Kendall. She was so sweet and polite to me. She did nothing wrong.

She didn't deserve that.

But what hurts most of all is knowing that we kissed...and it was the best-goddamn kiss of my life and it was a mistake. It was never supposed to happen and now I know that it never will again.

It can't.

Yet my heart stills aches in my chest at the thought of him. My lungs lose oxygen when I think about him. My body tingles when I replay every part where his hands have ignited flames and his lips have set on fire.

This was the exact reason why I never told Harry how I felt. I knew in my heart, mind, and soul that it was a bad idea and now look at what's happened. These past three days have been filled with nothing but huge textbooks and flashcards and me wishing that this never happened.

I should've listened to my mind and went home instead of agreeing to come here with him.

I would take it all back if it meant that everything could go back to the way they were.

I don't think I could survive another week here to be very honest but I can't stand to take away the smile on Mari's face when I hear how happy she is with him. I swore to myself that until my last breath, I'd spend my life making her happy because I deprived her of her primary source of happiness.

I am staying because of her.

I am staying for her.

At least that's what I tell myself every hour of the days as they pass.