"You know that I'm a crazy bitch
I do what I want when I feel like it"

Shockingly, I'd have to say that today has been one of the better days of this ENTIRE week.

If I was being honest with myself, I'd say that it's because of what happened with Harry today. Minus the embarrassing part outside the kitchen.

Can we just pretend that never happened? Please?

How I was left feeling warm and tingly inside. How I felt when he told me he thought that my smile was beautiful. The way my skin felt alive from just the simple touch and how close we were.

How the giddy feeling lasted way after I left the house, got Mari and came back. She watched me like I was a crazy person, someone she'd never seen before. I don't blame her. I don't even recognise myself.

But I'm never honest with myself, at least most times. There are some exceptions. So yeah, because of this, I'm just going to put that giddy feeling down to having a conversation with Harry that felt normal. Like our normal. The ones I missed. The ones without awkward silences. The ones that didn't end with me screaming cowardly dick behind him while he ran away from me. That still stings though, not gonna lie....

I can not tell you the last time I smiled this much. It feels like it's been forever. I didn't think that there were other things capable of making me smile other than Mari, Lily and music for the past four years. And even then, I haven't smiled like that with them the way Harry made me smile today.

This is what I've been thinking about while in the kitchen making dinner since I got back home. As usual, Mari was whisked away from me as soon as she entered the door. I don't know what they do upstairs while I make dinner but from what I've heard, she seems to have them wrapped around her little finger.

Yesterday, she made them build her a fort as she played a princess and them her royal staff. You could hear her joyous giggles from all the way downstairs followed by the boys' laughs as well. They seemed to be having fun up there and that's all I could really ask for.

They may have been forced to stay here as punishment, but I don't see it as that, and I'm sure that they'll agree with me. This has been more of a mini vacation, or rest and recuperation before they start the second leg of the tour next week. It's nice to see a different side of them as to when I first met them in Simon's office, they looked stressed and tired which is expected.

But getting to know them this week, I'd have to say was really refreshing. Then again, it's one of my favourite hobbies: learning about other people. I love learning about other people, especially new people because you get to see how different everyone's life around you is but yet how similar we all are.

I probably sound like a hypocrite because the truth is, I don't like people learning about me yet I like to learn about them. It's just, everything that's happened in the past four years has changed who I am as a person and my views on certain things.

I always question myself, should I be ashamed of what I've become or should I feel proud?

I mostly don't like people learning about me and my life because I don't want their pity. Trust me, I've had enough to last a life time. But I'm also scared that they'll judge me, not that I'll ever admit that out loud. Which is why I don't talk about my feelings or emotions.

And I've learnt to get by everyday without talking about them or writing them down or whatever the hell the psychologist said to do. I stopped going to see her a long time ago because I felt that she was honestly on crack.

I suffered with anxiety for as long as I can remember but for some stranger to just ups and diagnose you with depression ...... She even put me on antidepressants. That too I stopped taking because I don't need them. I don't suffer with depression or any other mental illness that she wants to throw at me. That's a fact.

I'm fine. Look at me! I'm way more happier than I ever was while taking them.

But anyway, I've gone off topic. Having the boys here wasn't really such a bad thing. Apart from the crack in the wall in the bowling alley, that I have yet to fix. I honestly don't want this week to end but I have to get back to reality and accept the fact that things can't always go the way I want them to.

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So.....while everyone's asleep, I'm wide awake just staring at the ceiling, wishing my mind would shut the fuck up so I can go back to sleep. Not that I'd go back to sleep anyway.

I jumped awake not too long ago, sweating and panting, looking around the room in panic.

I had another nightmare.

I haven't had one of those for months now and I was finally getting to enjoy a peaceful sleep without the fear of waking up from that horrible dream in the middle of the night. It always the same thing everytime. Always the same fucked up shit that my mind conjurs up based off of my anxiety.

It's not anything bloodcurdling or terrifying but it is enough for my mind to not give up and go back to sleep.

Sometimes I wake up disoriented, wondering where the hell I am, other times, I talk in my sleep and on worse nights I talk and then in between I yell and thrash around on the bed. At least that's what I've been told. Lily has had to witness me having a nightmare a couple of times now and everytime I feel guilty as hell because of what I put her through and what she's had to see.

Thank god today wasn't one of those 'worse nights' because Mari is in the room and I don't want to scare her. I'm just glad she didn't wake up.

After a while of just laying there, I decided to go to the kitchen. I'm hungry.

When I reach to the kitchen, I turn on the light and start to blindly look around for something to eat.

I look for the cereal and milk since that's the easiest and most appealing thing right now.

Where is it? There was literally a carton there this morning. I'm not crazy!

I raise my hands and then drop them, letting them hit my thighs in frustration.

All of a sudden, I hear a deep British accent echo from behind me,

"Having trouble there love?"

I jumped with a shriek and put my hands on my chest.

I swear I've almost had a heart attack for more times than I can count this week.

I slowly turn around to be met with Harry sitting behind the kitchen island, a spoon in hand, a bowl in front of him with the cereal AND the milk. Milk thief!

"Are you alright there love?" he asks with an amused expression. His lips in a close lip smile that threatens to widen as he tries to hold back his laughter but fails miserably.

Harry bursts into a fit of laughter, his cackles echoing around the room while I watch him with an unamused expression still trying to get my heart back to it's regular beat.

Even though his laughing fit has died down, the amused smile never leaves his face.

Then he says looking into space as.if talking to himself,

"Ever the jumpy one, that squeaky"

I feel a wave of nostalgia wash over me when he said that. God, I can't remember the last time I heard that.

"I thought we agreed that you weren't going to use that again?" I said feigning annoyance.

He watches me with a smirk,"No. I don't think so. If anything, you agreed to never use that name again. I just said 'fine' to please you. So technically I didn't agree to anything."

I think I felt my eye twitch.

"Hey Harold?"

"Yeah?" why does he always look so amused around me. Am I a clown....?

"You wanna play 'I spy'?"

He watches me suspiciously,"Sure?"

"Great! I'll start then" I said a little too enthusiasically.

He puts a spoonful of cereal to his mouth and nods at me to go on.

I put a finger to my chin and pretend that I'm thinking about something,"Hmm. Let's see..." and look around the kitchen.

Then I turn back to him and say excitedly,"Oh I know!"

"I spy with my little eye....something that begins with twat"

He stops chewing and looks at me wide eyed. Take that Milk Thief.

And just like that, a smile slowly spreads across his face.

Now it's my turn to watch him suspiciously.

"Hmm. I don't know. I don't think there's something that starts with that Mia. But! Let me know when you find it. I'd help but I'm a bit preoccupied at the moment," he says and gestures towards the bowl in front of him.

God he's infuriating.

I think I feel my eye twitch again as I watch him chew with an ever so smug expression.

I frown and walk towards the island as Harry watches me curiously. Once I reach the island, I grab the milk in one hand, tuck the cereal box under the same arm, with my next arm, I pull the spoon from his mouth and put it in the bowl, take the bowl and march towards the kitchen door, yelling over my shoulder,

"Not today Milk Thief! Not today!"

I don't get to see his gobsmacked face properly before I push open the door with my hip and walk towards the living room.

I missed that idiot so much!