There's all day thinkin' time
And all night drinkin' time
And time to sing and time to find if
Rhyme has a reason
Time to pack it in and stay down
Pack it up and walk away now
Give it one more day or call it a season

I stepped into the shower letting the hot water pour over me. Tears burned in my eyes, but I refused to shed them. No way was I going to let the things Ryan had said make me cry.

I adjusted the water to as hot as I could stand it, as if the if would wash away the shame I felt. I've never felt so called out before in my life.

Other than Steven, and me drunkenly mentioning my college boyfriend, Ryan and I never talked about our past relationships, they were just that...past. I never asked him anything and he never asked me.

He really struck a nerve when he made the comment about me being with Adam and J.T. at the same time because it was true. Adam and J.T. were teammates and friends. I can't explain how it happened other than the fact that I went a little crazy during my first couple of years of college and mentioned to Adam, who I had been dating for a few months that I had a fantasy of being with two guys at once. I wish I could say that it only happened one time, but it didn't. It was multiple times, at least until Adam and I had become serious. Ryan knew I had a wild side, and he admitted that he liked it, he just had no idea how wild I truly was.

I was not proud of it, but it happened. I could not change it. I did party a lot during my first two years of college, but then I got it out of my system and I got serious about my education. I thought that I was in love with Adam at the time, but then he got drafted and was moving to Texas in preparation for joining the minors. He didn't ask me to come with him, and at first, that hurt, until I realized I really didn't want to go anyway. We had completely different career paths, and I didn't want to give up everything I had worked for to be a baseball girlfriend, constantly on the road, waiting and praying he would get called up to the majors, putting my career on hold, unsure of where the entire path would take us. I shouldn't have to explain any of this to Ryan, and he had no right to judge me for anything I did in my past. It made me so angry, and so shamed, I could not bear to even look at him. I was not that person anymore.

A knock on the bathroom door startled me from my thoughts.

"Sam, can I come in? We need to talk."  He sounded remorseful, but I was not ready to face him just yet.

"Just go to bed Ryan. When you've sobered up, then we'll talk." I sighed wearily.

Instead of actually listening and going away, he opened the bathroom door and walked in.

"Trust me, I've sobered up." He raked his hands through his hair.

"Then go to bed. I have nothing to say to you right now."

I heard the sound of clothes rustling, and realized he was undressing. Before I could protest, he was stepping into the shower.

I couldn't help but stiffen when he wrapped his arms around my waist. "I'm so sorry baby." He murmured against my ear, and I felt his lips on the side of my throat. I cursed my body when it began to respond to his touch. Damn him. I loved him, but I was so angry I couldn't see straight and yet heat was beginning to pool between my loins.

"You acted like a total ass Ryan." I said, but it was a weak response. I completely failed at summoning my previous anger.

"I know, and I know saying I'm sorry isn't nearly enough. I just don't know what got into me. I can't explain it, but I got jealous when he hugged you, and to hear y'all reminiscing over old times, I felt left out."

"You had no reason to be jealous Ryan. He and I were over a long time ago. I do not have feelings for him. You have got to stop acting like this every time I talk to another guy." Some of my anger was beginning to resurface.

"I know I do. Again, I'm so sorry.
Please tell me what I can do or say to make it right." His remorse seemed genuine. He was still kissing along my neck, and now his hand was cupping my breast, rolling my taut nipple between his thumb and index finger. I wanted to stay mad, hell, I was still mad, but my body just was not listening. I knew sex would not make everything just magically go back to normal, but I was powerless to resist him.

His other hand cupped my sex and his thumb began to stroke my clit and I felt my knees weaken.

"Ryannn." I protested, even more weakly than before.

"Tell me what you want baby. What can I do?" His raspy voice sent shivers of desire up and down my spine. He was seducing me, and I was letting him. I felt his finger slip into me, and moaned as the wave of pleasure washed over me. All it took was a single touch from him, and that was my undoing. Were there still unresolved issues between us? Yes. Was I still mad? Hell yes, but when he touched me like this, and whispered in my ear as he trailed hot kisses along my neck, I forgot everything else. Nothing else existed. He was my weakness.

"I want you." I murmured, as his finger pumped slowly in and out of me. I bent forward, placing my palms flat on the shower wall in front of me, and felt his tip tease at my entrance. I braced myself as he ran the head of his cock along my slick folds before easing into me. I cursed myself for giving in so easily, but fuck, he felt so damn good.

He wrapped his hand around my waist, his hand over my lower stomach, thumb circling my clit as he moved painstakingly slowly in and out of me from behind.

"I love you." He whispered in my ear, and I came undone, my orgasm washing over me as thoroughly as the water streaming out of the shower head.

"I love you too." I replied, turning my head to capture his lips against mine. I knew this was a bad idea, that I should have resisted, but I needed this.

His movements picked up, then became erratic and he sought his own release and emptied deep inside of me. When he pulled out, the emptiness was overwhelming and regret began to set in.

I choked back a sob, and wordlessly stepped out of the shower and dried off, then quickly began getting dressed. I handed him a towel and choked back another sob as I crawled into bed.

"What's wrong babe?" Ryan asked, sliding into the bed next to me, his arm around my waist, pulling me closer until I was flush against him.

"What's wrong?" I gave a bitter laugh. "What's not wrong?" I pulled away from him, detangling myself from his arms. "There is something going on with you, aside from everything that happened tonight, and you are not telling me anything. Having sex changes nothing because I'm still pissed, and wondering why I even allowed it to happen, so why don't you tell me what's wrong." I fumed.

He sighed and ran his hand through his wet hair, and I knew whatever was going through his head was not good. He hesitated. He was holding back and that worried me. What was he not telling me?

"Are you serious about not wanting kids?" He asked. His voice sounding strained.

"What?" I asked, confused.

"When we were packing to leave, and you were worried about leaving Shelby, you mentioned not wanting kids. You said it so casually, but I could not get it out of my head. It floored me, but I was too stunned to say anything."

Was this what had been bothering him? I don't even remember having this conversation, but then it all came back to me. I didn't think what I said had been serious, hell, I was joking when I said it. Was I joking though? We had only been together a few months. Wasn't it way to soon to be talking about kids anyway?

I looked at him, but I really didn't know what to say. I was still pissed at him for what he had said to me earlier, and this topic of conversation was one I was not prepared to deal with.

"I need to know Sam. Do you want kids someday?" He asked, and I realized this was the question that had most likely been weighing on his mind for the last couple of days.

"I...I haven't thought about it." I stammered. I really haven't thought about it. I knew Steven didn't want kids, and I was pretty much on the same page. It had been the only thing we had agreed on.

"But can you see yourself having kids one day. That's what I need to know." His blue eyes peered into me as if they were looking into my soul. There was no anger there, only sadness.

"I honestly don't know Ryan. I'm not there yet, but if you were to ask me if I wanted a kid right now, I would have to say no. As far as later on, I...I really don't know."

"I want kids one day. I know we haven't been together that long, but if you have no desire for kids at all, I'm not sure if we have a future."