In the circles I've been running
I've covered many miles
And I could search forever for what's right before my eyes
Just when I thought I'd found it
It was nothing like I'd planned
When I got my heart around it, it slipped right through my hands
Here with you I feel it
I close my eyes and see it

Maybe you should just move in here.

Oh shit!

The words that came out of Ryan's mouth set off an alarm inside of me, like a bomb had just been dropped and was steadily ticking away. They were spoken so casually though that I must have not heard them right. He was looking at me waiting for a response. Maybe I didn't imagine it.

"That's a terrible idea." I blurted out, not intending it to sound so harsh, but the initial shock had yet to wear off.

"What's so terrible about it?" He asked.

I took a deep breath and tried to collect my thoughts for a moment. There was a part of me that wanted to pull away, put some distance between us because things are moving so fast. Because I'm falling so hard and fast. The other part of me wants to cling to him and never let go, but I'm still afraid. Even though I want to trust him, and on some level, I really do. I just can't let go of my overall trust issues. "Ry, we haven't even been together a week. It's too much too soon."

"I love being with you Sam." He looked hurt, and that was the last thing I wanted. He said he loved being with me, but he hadn't said he loved me. Either he didn't love me or he just wasn't there yet, or perhaps he was waiting for me to say it. Well, I wasn't going to be the first to drop the L bomb. I had made that mistake before, and always wondered if the words were only reciprocated because I had said them first. I wasn't going to make that mistake again. I would be honest on my other feelings though.

"I love being with you too Ryan, but I'm scared we are moving too fast. For the first time in my life, I am on my own. I need my own place, my own space. I need it for me. I don't want to find myself being dependent on anyone. I need to know that I can stand on my own two feet."

"I like going to sleep next to you, and you waking up in my arms. I've gotten so used to that over the last few days." He said sadly.

"We can still have that. Some days it will be here, some days at my place, wherever that happens to be. That doesn't have to change Ryan. I just need something for myself."

He nodded as if he understood. "I can hook you up with a realtor. Do you know what you are looking for?" So maybe he understood after all.

"Well, I just got the idea and have barely looked, but I just need something small, no more than two bedrooms. I do have a list of things I would like to have." I replied, getting excited thinking about how I would love a big front porch with a swing. A separate tub and shower. Fireplace A backyard to hang out in with friends, maybe a deck. A few trees for shade. A pool or hot tub would be nice, but not very realistic. I had a good amount saved up and was making a nice salary, but not that nice. I relayed all my hopes and dreams for a place of my own, realizing I was describing my childhood home, only on a much smaller scale. I thought I would feel silly even talking about it, but for some reason, I didn't. Ryan was so easy to talk to and to open up to.

"Sounds perfect. So what's the first thing you're going to do when you get your house?" He asked, actually looking interested, which was so new to me.

"Get a dog." I replied, without hesitation.

"Really? What kind of dog?" His eyes lit up.

"Something small. Easy to travel with, that can fit in a little carrier. Provided you and Sturgill have no issues with another dog on the bus." I said with a smile.

"No issues from us. We like dogs. We also like having you on our bus, and in our home anytime you want. Dog included." He said it so sincerely, that my heart nearly burst. I didn't know men like this existed. To think we spent so much time fighting and trying to pretend we didn't even like each other. So much time spent wasted.

******

A little over a month passed, and I found and closed on my very first house. I could not believe it. I was a homeowner.

The adorable, nearly 100 year old two bedroom two bath bungalow style house had been completely renovated with all modern amenities. Neutral colors throughout. Lots of natural light. Updated appliances. Hardwood floors. Gas fireplace. Garden bathtub and separate shower. Large backyard, completely fenced. Relaxing deck. New Washer and dryer. Covered front porch. It was everything I wanted, and it was mine.

I felt as if I were living my best life. I had a lot of friends, and an amazing boyfriend to help me move in. Brand new furniture to go in my new home. Ryan refused to let me hang blinds after finding out I had never used a drill before. He said me with power tools scared him. With so many hands on deck, it went quickly. Guys doing the heavy lifting, my girls helping me decorate to truly make it mine, right down to the nearly all pink bedroom. How did I get so lucky?

Ryan stayed with me the first night in my new place, and I watched his amused face over the idea of sleeping amongst the pink blankets and dozens of pillows.

"What's the story with all the pink?" He finally asked.

I shrugged. "Recreating my youth. I had a bedroom like this growing up, and it always made me feel safe and happy. I lost that feeling when I was with Stephen." I almost felt guilty saying this. The last thing I wanted him to think was that he didn't make me feel safe and happy, but to my relief, he didn't take it that way at all.

"I guess I can suck up my manliness and sleep in a pink bed as long as I'm next to you." He said, and damn if those butterflies didn't start up again.

I loved this man. I was certain of it.

As it worked out, I was completely settled in days before my birthday, so Courtney, along with Ryan and Chase (she probably twisted their arms) decided to throw me a birthday/housewarming party. They strung up lights around the deck and throughout the yard, giving it a very festive feel. Chairs had been set up around the fire pit (that would be nice in the fall and winter, but not July) The guys had all volunteered to break in my new grill for me. Tonight was going to be a beautiful night.

Ryan showed up late that morning, way before anyone else got there, and he was bearing gifts. Before I could protest that he didn't need to get me anything, he told me "sit down and close your eyes. I couldn't wrap this one." I heard the door open, and he stepped out onto the porch. What it the world had he gotten me that was so big, he could not wrap it?

Moments later, he entered the room, and I felt him sit down on the couch next to me. "Open your eyes."  A box was placed into my lap. Something was moving inside. I opened to box, and there was a tiny, cream colored ball of fluff. At first I thought it was a kitten, but that was crazy. I never mentioned liking cats, I knew for certain Ryan didn't like cats. The tiny animal looked up at me with a small whimper, and I was met by a pair of dark brown eyes, a black nose, the most adorable little teddy bear face and tiny pointed ears. It was a Pomeranian puppy. My dream puppy.

With tears in my eyes, I picked up the little fur ball, and held it against me, it settled into the crook of my neck and yawned. I caught a whiff of the puppy breath and inhaled it. It assaulted my senses and made me feel all warm and giddy inside. I loved puppy breath.

"How...how did you know this was the exact dog I've been wanting?" I asked, the tears now flowing.

He blushed a little. "I may have sneaked a peak at your Pinterest. I saw all the pins of puppies, so I figured this was what you wanted." He admitted sheepishly.

I may have been a little embarrassed that he had seen my Pinterest and all my girly pins and  sappy wishes and dreams, but the fact that he had gone through the trouble of finding my hearts desire more than made up for it. Stephen's idea of a birthday present was a dozen roses with a florist signed card, and some piece of jewelry that I would never have chosen for myself. Ryan actually took the time and effort to find something that I truly wanted, and probably would have eventually got myself. That spoke volumes.

"He's absolutely perfect. Exactly what I wanted. Thank you so much." I was crying again. The words 'thank you' seemed so inadequate, but I was truly at a loss.

"He is actually a she." Ryan laughed. "I hope that's okay. You never mentioned if you wanted a male or female."

"Absolutely. I love her already." I gushed over the adorable puppy with the softest fur pressed against my cheek.

"What are you going to name her?" He asked.

"I thought for a moment, then it came to me. "Shelby." I replied.

He laughed. "I should have known. You do love Mustangs. You also have another present to open."

Another present? Like anything could top a puppy.

He handed me a large gift bag. "This one has to come back to my house though."

I handed Shelby over to him and dug into the large, bulky bag. I felt something soft and oddly familiar. I pulled it out of the bag, and was surprised to see a pink plush blanket, much like the one on my bed. Then I remembered what he said, that this was for his house.

"You got me a pink blanket to keep at your house?" I smiled.

"I want you to feel as safe and happy there as you do here." He explained.

Damn if my eyes didn't start leaking again. As if the puppy wasn't enough, the symbolism of the pink blanket just meant that much more. I did feel safe and happy with him, but he was going the extra mile just to insure that. Not sure how to react, I flung my arms around his neck, feeling so overcome with emotion. "I love you." I blurted out, before I could stop myself.

Shit. So much for not being the first to say it.