Chapter 6: In Vain

“Mylabs, type mo ba ‘yang hugis na ‘yan?”

Muntik na akong mapatalon mula sa kinauupuan ko nang bigla na lamang bumulong si KL mula sa likuran ko. I’ve been irritated with his presence for few days now. Why? Doon lang naman siya nakatira sa dorm namin sa buildong L-485 kaya bago ako matulog at pagkagising ko ay nakikta ko siya. Not to mention he always shout “Mylaaaaaabs” everywhere and anytime he sees me. Sa classroom naman ay sa likuran ko siya pumwesto. Better than he’s somewhere visible to my sight. Ion nga lang bulong nang bulong mula sa likuran ko. And God, everyone surely relates to me when I say I hate someone who talks behind my back. As in literal na behind my back. Lahat ng bagay may sinasabi siya at sa akin pa niya sinasabi kahit na nakatalikod?

“KL pwede ba?” He caught me staring at the spaced out Triangle again.

“Pwede ba what?” he asked with a grin.

“Tumahimik ka for once.”

He made a face, pouted and acted like he zipped his mouth. Mabuti naman at naisipan din niya- damn. He opened the imaginary zipper and began talking again. That’s it! I’ve reached my limit!

Bigla na lamang akong napatayo mula sa kinauupuan at ibinagsak ang mga kamay ko sa mesa. Naglikha iyon ng ingay na sanhi na mapatingin ang lahat sa direksyon ko.

“Yes Miss Gallego?” nakataas ang kilay na tanong ni Miss Venna.

I breathe out all the stressful air I’ve been breathing for a while now. “Miss Venna, I suggest we should do a new sitting arrangement.”

The class made a fuss about it. Some agreed, some didn’t. Some seems like they don’t care at all. Nagulat ako nang bigla na lamang napatayo si Kl mula sa likuran ko at ginaya ako. Ibinagsak niya ang kanyang mga kamay sa mesa and since he’s naturally stronger than me, the thud he created was even attention-catcher.

“Miss Venna, I highly disagree!” wika niya at naningkit ang mga matang tiningnan ako. Natutop ko na lamang ang noo ko dahil sa inis. Nagulat ulit ako nang bigla na namang may marahas na tumayo at gaya ng ginawa namin ni KL. Ibinagsak niya ang kanyang mga kamay sa mesa. It’s Nikon.

“Yes Mister Zamora?” tanong ni Miss Venna.

He smiled sweetly at us. “I think Gallego’s idea is brilliant.”

Uh, what is he trying to pull off now? Kasi kung iniisip niya na makakatabi ko siya, no. No way. Never. Negative. For the nth time, someone stood up and slammed his hands on the table. Puto, gaya-gaya?! And it was Coco.

“Coco?” Megan asked, raising her brow.

The bald man grinned like a retard. “Wala lang, ginaya ko lang sila parang ang cool kasi.” Nabalot ng tawanan ang buong classroom at tumahimik lamang iyon nang muling magsalita si Miss Venna.

“Okay, okay that’s enough. Not a bad idea Miss Gallego. We will decide the new sitting arrangement randomly,” wika niya at kinuha ang kanyang gadget. It was a portable hologram device na kasingliit lamang ng foundation kit. Nang buksan niya iyon ay lumabas sa hologram ang layout ng classroom at current sitting arrangement. She pressed something and the chairs on the hologram shuffled and voila! There’s our new sitting arrangement.

And the chair I’m sitting next to is something I least expected.

Next to Trench Grande Mariano.

Okay I’m not expecting anyone in particular para makatabi ko but this is something very unexpected. Imagine the awkwardness between us! Matapos ang nangyari ay hindi pa kami nag-uusap nang matino. I have no idea what he’s been doing to cope with the pain of losing a lot of people at the same time. Sa tingin ko ay mas delikado ‘yong mga katulad niyang chill lang at tila wala lang sa kanya ang nangyari after few drops of tears. I mean people who bottled up their pains are in risk of depression or anything. Sa tingin ko ay ganoon din si Trench. I guess he’s living his life less seriously than it was before. He’s no longer the Trophy Son although he’s still the responsible man that he is.

He looked back to look at me at hindi ko alam kung ngingiti ba ako na parang timang or what.

Trench Grande Mariano is my “almost”. I ALMOST liked him that much. I mean, I was there. I was at the brink of liking him but I was just confused. Or maybe marami lamang akong iniisip. Wala namang written rule na sa isang tao ka lang magkagusto diba? But I have to know my priorities.

“Pwede na kayong lumipat sa bagong sitting arrangement,” Ma’am Venna said. I’m thankful KL was placed on the other side of he room, far away from me. He pouted and stretched out his hand towards mine sabay sigay ng “Mylaaaaaaaabs” na para bang maghihiwalay kami at hindi na magkikita pa.

I rolled my eyes and picked up my bag at humakbang palapit kay Trench. Lumipat na rin ang iba kaya medyo magulo at maingay sa loob ngunit habang papalapit ako kay Trench ay tila tumatahimik ang paligid. Nakatingin siya sa akin, sa bawat hakbang ko. When I sat beside him, he held a steady gaze forward. Gaya niya ay naupo ako, tensed na tensed at nagfocus sa harap. Puto, halatang-halata na nanginginig ako. What for? Puto talaga.

I battled within myself whether I will say hi are keep acting like I’m non-existing. Nang magpasya ako na mag-Hi ay bigla na lamang may tumawa sa likuran namin na mga babae kaya napalingon ako sa kanila. And as expected, umatras na naman ang Hi ako. Puto.

Napatingin na rin si Trench sa likuran namin nang lumikha ng ingay ang upuan ng isang lalaki naming kaklase. Kasabay ng pagtayo niya ay muling pahigikhik ng mga babaeng naroon.

“Did you just touched my butt?” nanlalaki ang matang tanong ng lalaki. His cheeks reddened as he glare at them.

“Crush ka kasi niya, isn’t it sweet? Siya na unang gumawa ng move, torpe mo kasi,” wika ng isa sa mga kaklase kong babae. Nagtawanan ulit sila at bahagya pang hinampas ang babaeng nanghipo. Gaya ng lalaki ay namumula rin siya. Puto, ang tatanda na naglalandian pa rin sa school! I rolled my eyes and turned away.

Ibinalik ko sa harap ang paningin. I maintained my gaze in front. I slouched on my chair and my breathing almost halted when he spoke. Puto, kailan pa ako nagiging ganito dahil lamang pinalipat ako ng upuan? Puto maya with brown sugar!

“Ayos ka lang ba?”

I forced a smile. It was so fake that I know he saw me through that fake smile. “I-I’m good.”

“You looked tensed,” he pointed out. Really? Does he really has to say that?

“I-I don’t.”

“You’re trembling,” wika niya at tiningnan ang kamay kong nakapatong sa mesa at nanginginig. Puto, I’m caught red-handed. I pulled my hands and put it under the table, on my knees.

I wasn’t given the chance to defend myself dahil nagsalita na sa harapan si Miss Venna.

“We’re up for an activity for this week from our topic innovation,” wika niya at inilibot sa amin ang paningin. “Work individually and present your best proposal for innovation. Good day.”

Nang umalis sa harapan si Miss Venna ay nabalot ng bulongan ang buong classroom. May nae-excite, may naiinis dahil additional na gawain, ako? Nayayamot. Puto, ano bang alam ko sa innovation?

Siguro simpleng innovation lamang gaya ng puto, lalagyan ko ng cheese at charaan! New product puto cheese is available. Or puto na lalagyan ng grated coconut and charaaan! Puto de coco. Pwede rin puto, lalagyan ko ng butter and charaaan! Butter puto! Or puto na may mais at charaaan! Mais con puto! Puto lalagyan ng sesame seed at charaaan! Putchi (puto plus butchi). Pero puto, am I making sense here?

“I can help you,” wika ni Trench mula sa tabi ko.

Help, as if naman wala rin siyang-- puto?! Trench offered to help me? I made a face and slouched on my chair. Am I thinking out loud? “Thanks but no thanks.”

“Pwede ba kitang makausap?” seryosong tanong niya. Trench is always serious, alright, but his level of seriousness varies. And I guess this is really about something really serious.

“Tungkol saan?” tanong ko. He picked up his bag at isinukbit iyon sa kanyang likuran.

“Maybe not here.”

Nagtatakang sinundan ko siya palabas at agad na humabol sa kanya. He took the way towards the rooftop kung saan kami madalas mag-usap noon-- siya bilang si Bunny. When we reached the rooftop ay bahagya akong naging nostalgic.  Matagal-tagal na rin akong hindi nakabalik dito sa rooftop. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata at dinama ang malamig na hangin.

Agad akong pumunta sa may railings at naupo roon, tinatanaw ang buong Capital. I guess I like the night view better. Kahit makikita sa gabi na iilan lamang ang liwanag sa 5th ward kumpara sa mas maunlad na 1st ward, seeing it in broad daylight is no better. Kung sa larawan pa ay tila black and white ang 5th ward samantalang HD naman ang 1st ward.

Trench sat on the floor, hugging the railings too. “Kumusta ka na?” tanong niya.

“I’m good,” sagot ko. “Ikaw?” I stared at his side profile. It’s both hard for us, I know but I hope he’s coping well. Matalino si Trench kaya sana alamn niya kung paano i-handle ang sarili.

“Hindi ko alam,” sagot niya kasabay ng pagbuntong hininga. He looked at me and stared at me for a while. Bahagya pang kuminang ang kaisa-isang hikaw na suot niya. “Gallego, tell me if everything is worth it.”

“Anong ibig mong sabihin?” nagtatakang tanong ko.

“Hindi ko kasi maintindihan. Did all the lost lives go to waste? Lahat ba ng sakripisyo ay worth it?” Bumagsak ang kanyang balikat at muli siyang napatingin sa malayo. Hindi man niya sinabi nang diretso na tungkol sa nangyayari sa Capital ang ibig niyang sabihin, I know very well that it is.

Kaya nga lang, iyon ang tanong na hindi ko agad masagot. Nanatili lamang akong tahimik at nakatanaw lang din sa malayo. Naghari ang katahimikan sa pagitan namin. It somehow made me ponder.

Hindi ba nasayang ang buhay ni Gon? Ng Grande twins? Ni Nebz? Ng mga taong nagsakripisyo at nagbuwis ng buhay para lamang maitama ang baluktot na sistema? We have the same questions to ask at parehong hindi namin alam ang mga kasagutan.

“Hindi ko rin alam Trench.”

“Is this what we fought for? What you fought for? Damn Gallego, I think that was brave for you to fight for what’s right and I merit you on that. Pero hindi mo ba nakikita ang sitwasyon ngayon? Women are asking for gender equality yet thing’s aren’t like that. Last week habang lulan ako ng tren ay nag-iskandalo ang isang babae dahil nakatayo siya at isa sa mga nakaupo ay lalaki. She demanded the man to stand up and surrender the seat for her and even called the man ungentleman.”

Hindi ko mapigilan ang unti-unting pagtaas ng kilay ko. “What’s your point? Napaka-ungentleman naman talaga!”

“That’s not the point Gallego. Where’s gender equality in that? Kung hahayaan niyo ring tumayo ang lalaki, that’s very unlady of you. I saw the man that day, paika-ika ang lakad niya noon kaya tiyak kong masakit ang paa niya so he refused to give up the seat and end up being judged by people,” wika ni Trench at mapait na ngumiti. “And the woman is very healthy and vigorous that time.”

I blinked few times, digesting his words. Trench is observant to his surroundings but I never thought he would be as observant as that. I thought he doesn’t care but maybe I was wrong.

“The other day, I saw a couple fighting over their bills. If the woman suggests they should split it, people perceived her as independent pero kapag lalaki naman, tinatawag na cheap, hindi galante at kung anu-ano pa. I really think that there’s something wrong with how you, people, see equality. Kanina nanghipo ang kaklase natin but she wasn’t called pervert or what. Kapag lalaki ang gumawa niyon, tiyak kong offensive iyon at big deal sa paningin ng lahat. Damn, open your eyes Gallego. I think your battle took the wrong way.”

Nakagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko. Is that what’s going on? Mali na ba ang daang tinatahak ko sa pagsusulong ko ng pagkakapantay ng bawat isa? Hindi agad ako nakasagot at pilit akong naghahanap ng maari kong gawing rason o gamiting ekplinasyon. I don’t want to concede to his realizations.

Tumayo siya at pinagpag ang suot na pantalon. “Kung ganito lang din pala ang mangyayari, I think the lives we lost and the sacrifices made were all in vain.” His voice cracked and I can tell he’s crying but I don’t have the guts to look at him and accept my mistake. “Damn, my cousin died for nothing.”

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