CHAPTER TWO. Coping Mechanisms.

( Let Go )

__________

Carmine Bradford had won a million arguments with his older brother in his head. His mouth molding words he wasn't taught to speak, a lump the size of a cherry pit in his throat that he couldn't bring himself to swallow, couldn't steady his hands. In the silence of his lonesome, he'd perform autopsies on conversations he'd had years ago.

It's how he felt now, poking at his food while his gaze kept flickering to his niece across the table. Elizabeth had insisted on making food for the both of them before Carmine had to go in for his shift and usually, he would enjoy whatever meal she made him (one thing she picked up from her mother before she passed was her cooking skills), but now even the thought of putting something in his system was making him sick.

Elizabeth paused; spaghetti twirled around her fork. "Is something wrong with the food?"

Carmine blinked. "Huh?" He shook his head at her. "No, everything's great."

"You haven't even touched it."

"Yeah. I'm just... I've got something on my mind, kiddo, that's all."

Elizabeth sat up straighter, brows bunching together. "Something wrong?"

Carmine exhaled softly. "Lizzie... we've gotta talk, okay?" he stated, hurrying to add on once he saw the girl's facial expression shift. "You're not in trouble, alright?"

"Then what's going on?"

"It's your dad."

Elizabeth's face fell, drained itself of color and her uncle could see her breathing pattern fasten ever so slightly. The dark-haired girl swallowed, avoiding eye contact as she pushed her plate away from herself. Her appetite disappeared almost immediately.

"He gets released this week."

"I know." Carmine's brows rose at his niece's words. "I've been... unenthusiastically counting down the days since you told me he was getting out last month."

Carmine breathed out. He got to his feet, slipping into the seat beside the younger and taking her hand in his own. His gaze held on the table for a moment as his mind overrode itself with what to say first. He swallowed, forcing the lump in his throat to abandon him as he met Elizabeth's gaze. "They're gonna want to start the reunification process."

Elizabeth's grip tightened. Her dark eyes widened, and Carmine wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around her and protect her from the cruel reality. She shook her head, lower lip rolling in to her mouth as she gnawed on it anxiously.

"No." She continued to shake her head in defiance. "They can't... I'm almost sixteen, can't I just tell them what I want to do?"

"You can," Carmine replied hesitantly. "But Hughes says that there's no guarantee that the court will listen to you or take your preferences into consideration."

"So, there's nothing we can do?"

"Hey, no, I didn't say that, Lizzie."

A soft, shuddering, and wet breath left Elizabeth's mouth and Carmine noticed her shoulders shake with it. He shifted to bring her into his arms, the teenager's head resting against the divot of space between his collar and jaw. His lips pressed to the top of her head in a chaste kiss as he felt the warmth of her tears blur into his skin.

"We'll figure this out, okay?" He looked down at her. "We always do, don't we?"

Elizabeth nodded and sniffed as she wiped her face with the back of her hand. "Yeah."

She tucked her face back against her uncle's neck and Carmine made a point of swallowing back his own burning tears as he rested his chin on top of her head.

__________

Carmine never really cared much for roller coasters. Now, standing behind Buck on the ladder listening to the terrified screams of civilians as they hung upside down from one it definitely solidified his feelings towards them. His brows furrowed as he looked ahead of the blond in front of him.

"We're not at the right angle!"

Buck glanced back at him and Carmine could see him opening his mouth to speak before the voice of Bobby crackled over their radios.

"We came in at the wrong angle."

Carmine's shoulders slumped, gaze flitting towards the scene in front of them.

"Buck, I'm gonna have you climb up there and harness him in," Bobby spoke over the radio once again. "Carmy, you go to the opposite end of the cart and check on the civilians on that end. You think you can handle that?"

"Hell yeah." Buck nodded. "This daredevil hero stuff is what I signed up for, Bobby."

Carmine rolled his eyes. "Copy, Cap."

Buck threw a grin at him over his shoulder before beginning to climb up the ladder, Carmine following suit. He exhaled softly as he reached the metal structure of the coaster, grasping onto the pole in front of him and swinging himself onto it with a small grunt leaving his lips.

Above him, a woman cried. "Help us! Please!"

"Everybody try to stay calm," Buck coaxed. "We'll get you down, I promise. Alright?"

"Just relax, I know this is scary, but we need you to keep as still as possible." Carmine hoisted himself up on the track opposite Buck. "You move less, and you stay safe. We've got you."

His dark eyes found the young woman in the last cart, offering her a small smile. "Hi there, I'm Carmine. Are you experiencing any pain?"

The woman's breathing attempted to steady; her eyes wide. "I-I'm kind of dizzy."

Carmine nodded at her. "That's likely because of the blood rushing to your head. Anything else?"

"No." She shook her head. "Just get us out of here. Please."

"We've got you."

His gaze shifted towards the other passengers, roaming around their bodies for any signs of external injuries and he breathed out softly when he realized there was none.

"What happened to Chad?"

Carmine looked towards the man who was dangling from the bars of the cart. Buck's head lifted and their gazes met briefly before Buck clicked his radio.

"Bobby, he's asking about his friend."

A sickening feeling crept into Carmine's stomach as his attention found the scene below them, Henrietta and Chimney standing over (who he could only assume was) Chad's deceased body. He swallowed as he watched the paramedics put the young man on a gurney, turning away from the ground to focus his attention back on the victims that they could save.

"What happened to Chad?!" the man dangling in front of Buck cried. "He's dead, isn't he?"

"Hey, Devon, look at me," Buck stated. "Chad... he's getting help, you see? He's gonna be fine. And I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, alright?"

Carmine tried to ignore the helpless glance Buck was giving him. "Is everyone okay?"

"No, we're not okay! Why is the firetruck going away?"

"It's just getting into a better position, that's all."

Buck's attention returned to Devon. "Devon, how we doing?"

Devon drew in a quivering breath. "It's gonna be everywhere. It's gonna be all over the place."

"Hey, forget about them, okay? You don't look down; you look up at me." Buck held out the harness. "You see this strap here? All you gotta do is reach up, slide your arm through the loop."

Devon grunted. "I can't."

"Yes, you can, buddy. You can do it."

Carmine hesitated before opening his mouth. "He won't let you fall, Devon. I promise."

"Can you tell them to stop recording, please? I don't want everyone to see me like this," Devon pleaded.

"Listen, Devon, we need you to concentrate," stated Buck. "Slide your arm through the loop and then we can deal with everything else."

Carmine's heart crawled its way up to reside in his throat as he watched the scene in front of him. He barely overheard the desperate pleas of Buck or the defeated cries of Devon.

"Come on, Buck.. come on," he muttered.

Devon let out a breath. "I can't."

Carmine barely had time to react as he watched Devon's grip from the bars loosen, desperately grabbing forward as if he could somehow stop him from plummeting, but all he grasped was a fistful of air. Devon's body collided with the ground and over the horrified screams, Carmine lifted his head to find Buck once again staring back at him with his own horrified expression.

__________

Typically, if Evan Buckley was silent for a whole shift Carmine Bradford would have been ecstatic, but now he just felt worried, concern blossoming in his chest as he watched the blond staring blankly down at the mug in front of him. He was readying himself to open his mouth when Chimney placed a plate of food in front of Buck.

The blond looked at him briefly. "I'm not hungry."

"This is America, Buckaroo," Chimney replied, and Carmine found himself grinning at the nickname. "Eating has nothing to do with being hungry."

Carmine's grin faltered as Buck pushed the plate away from him. "Man, I was right there. All he had to do was reach up and grab my hand."

Carmine straightened himself from where he was leaning against the counter and made his way over to the table where the others sat. He took the spot across from Buck, brows furrowed as he looked at the other. "Sometimes people freeze up, Buck. They do crazy things like that, it's nothing you did. You can't read their minds."

Buck looked up. "I've never lost anyone before," he stated. "Does it get any easier?"

"No," Bobby answered from the kitchen.

"Look, people die, and that's part of the gig, right?" Chimney questioned. "See, your problem is you're looking at every job like it's a long-term relationship. They're one-night stands, man. In that moment, they mean everything to you, but once the morning comes... it's on to the next one."

"That was horrible, Chim," Carmine voiced and nearly snickered as he watched the man's prideful smile fall.

A soft breath left Buck's lips as he looked at Carmine. "You ever lost anyone?"

The male blinked, shaking his head as he diverted his gaze to behind the blonde. "No."

Buck's face fell and for a moment Carmine's chest ached, but his lips tugged upwards into a grin as he took notice of the two familiar faces appearing from the stairs.

"Hey," Henrietta greeted. "I hope you guys don't mind; I brought some company to family dinner. Athena's going through some, uh, stuff at home, so she could you some TLC."

"That's what we're here for." Carmine pulled out the seat next to him.

"Well," Bobby replied, "we don't usually allow cops at secret firehouse meetings, but I'll make an exception."

"Appreciate that." Athena's attention turned to Buck's quiet presence across from her. "You know, I ain't sold on you yet, but... I think keeping me from getting shot deserves a second chance. There won't be a third, though."

Laughter sounded from the group of firefighters, though Buck's face remained solemn.

Bobby placed his hand on the blond's shoulder. "Buck here is having a little trouble moving on from a call that didn't go his way."

Athena nodded. "You know why they make us wear these uniforms, right? Cops, firefighters, paramedics?"

"Sex appeal?" Chimney laughed.

"So, people can easily identify us," Buck answered.

"Both true. But it's also for our own good," Athena remarked. "Because when we take the uniform off at the end of the day it symbolizes letting go of all of the sad, crazy, inhumane we've seen that day."

Buck exhaled. "I see his face every time I close my eyes. That happen to you guys?"

Carmine swallowed around the uncomfortable lump that had lodged itself in his throat. He shifted in his seat, gaze briefly (and helplessly) flitting towards Athena beside him for her to say something, anything of wisdom.

Athena met his gaze momentarily. "It'll pass."

As the klaxons blared around them, Carmine offered Buck a small, tentative smile. The blond didn't return it.

__________

Sometimes Carmine hated himself for being an empathetic person. It's why he had noticed Buck's nerves at their recent call, a window cleaner hanging from the height of a tall building. It's why he was now hovering outside of the locker room looking at the blond while he sat with his head hung, debating on if he should say something. Against his better judgment, he stepped into the doorway and knocked on the glass window, pressing his lips into a thin smile as Buck looked up.

His gaze flicked to the open spot beside the other. "Mind if I sit?"

Buck shook his head silently.

Silence swallowed the two firefighters as Carmine sat down, his brows furrowed as he noticed Buck's knee bobbing up and down. He breathed out, making the blond turn to him.

"What happened with Devin isn't your fault, Buck."

"Wasn't it? I mean... I was right there, Carmine. He just had to reach up and grab my hand."

"Like I said before, sometimes people freeze up. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, alright? There wasn't anything else you could have done."

Buck's jaw flexed. "Everywhere I go people are just patting me on the back, congratulating me and calling me a hero. But I don't feel like one. People died. I had to watch them die."

"Yeah." Carmine breathed out through his nose. "I know."

The silence returned and for a moment Carmine almost didn't talk again. In retrospect, he had no idea why he even opened his mouth again.

"I hadn't been on the team much longer than you when I first lost someone."

Buck blinked. "But you said–"

"I lied," Carmine interjected. He shifted once he saw that Buck's gaze flickered. "It's not really something I like remembering, let alone talking about."

"You don't have to..." Buck glanced at him sideways, brows furrowed.

Carmine pressed his back against the lockers. "Nicole Campbell. She and her mom were in a pile-up accident caused by a drunk driver. She had on a pink unicorn dress and these little light-up shoes. She bled out in my arms before I could extract her." He swallowed thickly. "Found out a day later that she was turning six that day."

Buck's eyes found Carmine's face, concern brimming them. Carmine couldn't look at him. He despised anyone looking at him in that way like he was some wounded animal. The brunet flexed his fingers and exhaled through his mouth.

"I think of her every day. You're not alone in how you feel, and anyone who tells you that losing someone doesn't affect them, that they can just ignore it? They're lying to you," he responded. "But you can't dwell on it, Buck. You've just gotta learn to live with it, y'know? Because if you don't, you're just gonna get deeper and deeper in that rut you're in."

Buck swallowed, eyes stinging as he nodded. "Thanks."

Carmine returned the nod.

A pause of silence once more.

"Hey, uh..." Carmine sat up straight. "Devin's funeral is tomorrow; I was planning on going. You want to come with me?"

Buck hesitated and Carmine almost backtracked, then the blond spoke up.

"Yeah, that'd... that'd be nice."

A small smile pulled up on Carmine's lips. "Okay." He stood up but paused before exiting the room. "And Buck?"

The other looked up.

"You don't have to call me Carmine all the time. Everyone else here calls me Carmy.. or Carm."

A tiny smile managed to pull up at the corners of Buck's lips. "Yeah... yeah, you've got it."

__________

"My brother was a man of great potential. That's the hardest part for me."

Carmine sat in the back pew of the church beside Buck, head lowered as Devin's sister, Liz, spoke about her brother. He glanced at Buck out of the corner of his eye, noticing the way the male's knee bobbed and his hands couldn't seem to stay still.

"Thank you all for coming."

Carmine glanced up as people began to stand up from their seats, some filing outside and others hanging around in the vestibule to hold conversations with one another. He hadn't noticed Buck getting to his feet until the floor of the church creaked under the new weight. His gaze drifted to where Liz was walking down the aisle in their direction, and it took one glance at Buck to know what the blond's plan was and he was quick to follow after him.

"Hi." Buck paused in front of the woman. "I'm, uh, Buck. Uh, Evan."

Carmine's chest tightened around his lungs. "Carmine." He offered Liz a timid smile.

"Look, I-I just wanted to say how sorry I am. It's only my fourth month on the job," Buck continued anxiously. "I've never lost anyone before this."

Liz swallowed. "What really happened up there?"

Buck shifted his weight. "It was like he just... he gave up."

"Are you saying it's my brother's fault he's dead?"

Carmine swallowed at Liz's response; his brows furrowed as his lips parted to speak.

Buck spoke up before he could get a word out. "No, th–that's not what I mean–"

"My brother was very h–happy to be alive. He was loved, and he knew it. He wanted to live." Liz's gaze hardened as she looked at Buck. "And you failed him."

She brushed past them before either firefighter could say anything. Carmine's lips pressed themselves into a thin line as he looked towards Buck. The expression the other wore made his heart ache, a hollow drumming of pain in his chest.

"Hey." Buck's gaze flicked to Carmine with a wavering inhale. "She didn't mean that, okay? She's just... emotional."

Buck's Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed hard. Carmine was met with silence as the blond walked past him and out of the church.

"Buck."

His only response was the church door closing.

__________

"Lizzie, can you get the door, kiddo?"

Carmine glanced over his shoulder towards the teen, hands coated in suds from the sink. He offered his niece a small smile as she approached the door of their apartment. However, he was surprised to hear a familiar voice on the other side once his niece opened it.

"Uh, hi. Is–Is Carmine here?"

Carmine furrowed his brows, damp hands finding the dish towel as he walked over to the doorway. "Buck?"

The blond's eyes lit up in seeming relief upon seeing the other. "Hey."

Carmine's gaze flicked between his niece and coworker, clearing his throat. "Uh, Lizzie, can you finish doing the dishes for me, sweetheart?" The teen nodded at him, Carmine turning his attention back to Buck the moment they were alone. "How... how, uh, did you get my address?"

The male's face fell slightly. "Oh. Hen gave it to me... I hope that's okay."

"Yeah, no, it's fine." Carmine leaned against the doorframe. "Did you need something?"

"I wanted to thank you."

Carmine's eyebrows shot up. "Thank me?"

"Yeah." Buck's shoulders bunched together as he shoved his hands into his front pockets. "I mean, you really helped me with the Devin thing, y'know?"

"Oh."

"His... his sister came by the station after your shift ended," Buck continued, and Carmine blinked in surprise. "She apologized for what she said at the funeral."

Carmine inclined his head. "That's good, at least. Right?"

"Yeah, yeah." Buck nodded.

Silence spread between the two of them once again. Carmine's gaze flitted towards the carpeted ground of the apartment hallway.

"So," Buck started, "you didn't tell me you had a daughter."

Carmine looked up abruptly, nearly choking on his saliva in the process. "What?"

Buck's gaze shifted to behind Carmine where Elizabeth was putting bowls in the cabinet. Carmine followed his gaze, audibly laughing as he turned back to face the other.

"No, no." He shook his head. "Lizzie's my niece."

Buck's eyes widened, the tips of his ears flushing. "Oh. I'm–I'm sorry."

"You're good, Buck." Carmine smiled. A beat, then he spoke up again hesitantly. "You hungry? We have leftovers."

A smile tugged at Buck's lips, but he shook his head. "No, I ate earlier, but thanks."

The quiet crept up again and Carmine cringed internally at how bad at small talk he was. Fortunately, for him, Buck broke the silence.

"Uh, well, I better go. Early shift tomorrow." He inclined his head. "Night, Carmy."

Carmine smiled. "Goodnight, Buck."

Carmine waited until the other was halfway down the hall to shut the door, turning on his heel to face the apartment. He paused the moment he saw Elizabeth leaning against the counter with her arms folded over her chest a small smirk on her lips. Her brows rose as she met her uncle's gaze, head tilted.

Carmine scrunched his nose. "What?"

"Who's that?"

"Buck."

"Buck?"

"Evan," Carmine corrected himself hesitantly. "Everyone calls him Buck. His last name is Buckley."

"Mhm," Elizabeth hummed. "And how long have you two been seeing each other?"

Carmine choked. "We're not. We're coworkers."

"It happens." Elizabeth shrugged.

Carmine's wide-eyed gaze followed the teen as she headed towards her room. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Silence.

"What is that supposed to mean?" 

__________

author's note!

babies are bondingggg!! (they're both in denial). 

this is probably the quickest i've gotten a fic updated and i'm already planning chapter three. i have big plans for carmine and his storyline so be prepared!! 

also carmy and buck are more or less a variant of tk and carlos from lonestar so if you see me reusing some of their storylines for carmybuck that's why!!

anways, i hope you all enjoyed, i love you!!

also reminder you can follow my tiktok (oscarsisaac.wp) to see edits of this fic (and others!)