-• a secret forever •-

Rudra

The lights go off.

"What the fuck?" I hear Taranya say.

My hands freeze on the sides, I stand barefaced, doused in complete darkness. And the longer I wait for the lights to turn back on, the clearer it gets I'm not ready yet. I lift an empty hand, my trembling fingers seek my own face and I brush a breezy touch on my skin. I'm open to scrutiny, to questions, to accusations and to the world.

I was a nameless creature until Yuvraaj decided Rudra fits me. I lived as a secret and I was intended to die as one. So what am I doing here? With the chest of my deceptions, sufferings, lies and past open in front of her. Once she sees me, it'll be the end of us. Which woman would fall for a man who betrayed her using two different identities? And she'll have so many questions, so much confusion, I'm not sorted enough to piece together the puzzle pieces for her.

"Did you do this?" She asks me in the dark.

I frown.

"I did." Yara speaks from the airpods. "The only promise I made to you when I was developed was to protect your identity as Rudra no matter what. That no person, dead or alive, must know about your existence. You've ten seconds before the lights turn back on."

I fist the mask in my hand.

No, now that I've done this, I should see it through.

"10."

But I'm scared.

"9."

I'm scared of ruining everything I've so carefully built until now.

"8."

Is it worth it? Is she worth it?

"7."

Yes. She is. She should know. She promised she'll never give up on us. No matter what.

"6."

And even if she does, she promised me the liberty to make her mine.

"5."

But how does that promise mean anything after she realises I've returned her trust with the worst betrayal possible?

"4."

And the questions.

What? How? Why? When?

"3."

I feel the scars on my body come alive. They ignite. Flares of oranges and reds soaring through my veins. The ticking seconds melt like burning wax, tickling down my soul, trickling in a smooth trail, searing through my open wounds, pouring out of my cracked flesh, charring my bones. And I feel myself reduce into a pile of broken bones and dusty ashes.

"2."

The wait suffocates me. The what ifs, the possibilities, the doomed confrontation, like corroded roots of an hollow tree spreading inside my head, bound to break, tumble down, empty inside out. Darkness is my safe, lights will blind me.

"1."

It's an instinct. I put the mask back on.

Lights consume the corners of the room. She stands rooted to her place, her eyes on me. And she smiles. Unamused, mirthless, exhausted. She has given up. She has accepted it's the end of us.

"Leave."

And for the first time in my life, I feel this unbound, unbearable need to scream, to cry, to shout and tell her that it's not my feelings, it's not me, it's the world that has shaped me, made me, created this monster inside me. And I'm afraid, I'm downright terrified, that if she sees what they've morphed me into, she'll be scared, abhorred, and turn her head away from me. I can't witness her becoming one with the world. It's with her I fall asleep, it's in her arms I find peace.

Had we met in some other, "normal" circumstances, I'd have gone to the ends of the world just to prove my sincerity to her. But that's not possible. We met the way we were destined and there's nothing I do will change it.

"Go, please." She whispers.

I take a step back.

Rudra was never meant to find his forever with her. He was always temporary. But the fact she accepted him, gave him a chance, embraced him, kissed him, trusted him with her feelings while he had nothing to offer her in return was enough to keep him alive for some time. He never felt acknowledged, whole, he never felt like he even existed along with the world. But she made him feel all of that, in a matter of few weeks, she made him live a lifetime. The least he can do is save her the pain of deception.

"I- I never said I deserved you," I speak, and her gaze finally lifts to meet mine. "But that never stopped me from wanting you." A mirage of emotions crosses her bluest blue oceans. "And I want you to know," my voice trembles, "In the horrors that I live and through the chaos that I survived, you were the most beautiful, dream-like phase of my life. It's in you I saw a side of this world I never thought existed, where gardens bloom, seas are calm, moon shines, and the sun always rises."

She nibbles on her lower lip, tearing her eyes off me.

"I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for being a coward. But I cannot ever face you without a shield covering me. That's just who I am. That's just who I was made to believe I am." I murmur and open the door, hesitating at the threshold but then forcing myself out. I close the door behind me and stop, resting the back of my head on the wooden frame as I take a breather. I hear rushed feet reach behind the barrier, and my jaw trembles. There's this weird urge, a strange kind of desperation in me that triggers the tears in my eyes. And while I know it's stupid to cry over something so insignificant when I've gone through most fucked up shit in life, I can't help it. I think I'm wired wrong.

I drag myself away from that space. Everytime I step anywhere she is around, I feel this pull that pushes me closer to her. It has to stop. I've to stop.

"You're fifteen minutes late."

I close the door of his study and invite myself inside. Nodding to his statement, I pull the chair in front of his desk and sit down. He realises something's off but doesn't probe into the matter. That's not Yuvraaj Singh Chauhan. He doesn't care if the world crumbles down around him as long as his family is safe.

I wonder how it feels to have someone to protect, take care of, look after. I never had someone like that, and I don't know if I'll ever have one. But it's better this way. The only thing I can give is destruction, pain, longing, and lies. I'd protect them, but is it the world they'll be afraid of, or me?

"Rudra?"

I look at him. "Will I ever be Shourya to you?"

He frowns. "It's not the name that gives you an identity. It's how different you are from every individual you meet, or haven't met yet, that defines you, differentiates you as a person." An appropriate, logical approach to my anguished, pained mess of emotions.

"Is the world not ready yet? To see the difference?"

"It never was. And it'll never be." He sighs, looking through his files and drawing out a ledger. He slaps it in front of me. "The black fund ledger. What do you intend to do with it?"

I sit straight, becoming serious again. I can't waste my time being an emotional dump. "He wants to see how I put the demolished, defeated Jumbo Steels back on the top of its game. So let's not disappoint him." I undo the strap of the journal and flip open the first page, reading the entries that date from twenty years ago with seven figured amount siphoned off from Rajawat Corporations and even Mankind Medicare to Swiss Bank accounts constantly over the period of two decades. "What did you say the names were again?"

"Dr. Jatin Kumar, Dr. Prem Singh, and Dr. Baldev Sahane." He replies. "They oversee everything about the project ACR Model 2.0."

"Three masterminds of the third floor." I snort. "How long have they be doing this?"

"For well over twenty two years." He replies. "But the project was initialised fifty years ago by their fathers."

I lean back in my seat. "Fifty years, twenty test subjects, twenty kids."

"Twenty three." He corrects me.

"But it was two years ago they chose a test subject-"

"Yeah, and they already failed at two more."

I feel my heart drop. "How is he so cruel?" I ask, referring to the Chairman. Yuvraaj calls me a monster, so what does that make the old man?

"You know the worst kind of people?" He braces the table, looking me straight in the eyes. "The one that believes he's doing the world good by sacrificing humanity for his version of a new, reformed, stronger world."

"If he can push his son to death, he can do anything." I whisper, closing my eyes to calm myself a little. When I open them, I shut the journal and strap it back. "Anyway, the first thing I need to do to revive Jumbo Steels is to get rid of all the debts. And for that we need a constant source of reinvestment. So here's the plan," I get up and hand him the book, leaning in fists down on the desk. He waits to hear me patiently. "I'll orchestrate a ground fundraising event. We've to make sure the team of three musketeers attend it. Set up a meeting with them as soon as possible. It's time we use this for better gain." I tap the ledger book. "Give Yara a call when you fix the meeting. I'll see you later."

He nods, putting the ledger back in the locker. "I'm boarding a flight to New York tomorrow. I'll be there for two days. But Zoya will fix the meeting for us. I'll see you soon. Good night." He interlaces his hands on the desk and looks up at me kindly. There's a tenderness in his gaze that was previously missing. Is he pitying me because I brought up the topic of my dead father? I'm aware it's the first time in twenty years I've done that. I never talk about him with anyone else other than Yara. But I don't need his pity. I don't need to be reminded how unfortunate I am.

"Good night." I exit his office and sneak out of the palace. It's the last time I'm wearing this outfit and riding this bike, so I decide to revisit a few memories I made as Rudra. And the first stop I choose is the fair she took me to on our first date.

A chuckle escapes me.

There was something fascinatingly innocent in the way we interacted that night. It wasn't lust that overpowered us, or curiousity, or anything that's one sided, selfish, and done with ulterior motive. I smiled openly, felt free, felt my age. Like I'm not a product of careless parenting, left orphaned to the mercy of this world at the tender age of two, used, abused and broken in the dark corners of a tiny cell. I was a normal eighteen year old teenager, at rest from the tireless drive of rage and revenge, just another boy going on cheesy, stupid dates with the girl he's madly crushing on.

"Hi," I call out to the man at the booking booth of the ferris wheel. He looks up and raises a brow. "How long is the duration of the wheel for one ticket?"

"Fifteen minutes." He replies, focusing on other customers.

I do the math in my head for twenty cycles.

"Give me twenty tickets." He glances towards me and nods.

"That'll be sixteen hundred." I pay the man in cash. He counts the money, generates the tickets and slips them towards me out of the small window. I stuff the tickets in my pockets and stand in the queue. It takes me ten minutes to reach the end. I hand my tickets to the ticket collector, he automatically starts counting twenty people behind me.

"No, just me." I interrupt.

He blinks. Then forces a nod towards me. "Of course," I walk out and enter the compartment of two, sitting where I had sat the last time. A stranger occupies her place and the bouncer closes the door.

I sit in that compartment for over five hours, until the break of dawn, and even after the Ferris wheel almost empties out, leaving me alone in the company of my own.

The burner phone in my pocket reminds me of its presence everytime I move or shift, compelling me to call her. I can't. I won't. She's right. Enough of the games. I need to win her for real, in reality, not in the faux of nights, stolen in the moments of darkness.

In the early morning, I park my bike in the basement of our office building and change into formals. Then I drive back to Rajgarh.

"Prince Shourya?" The butler stops me while I'm on way upstairs. I look over my shoulder in question. "The breakfast is ready. Your grandfather ordered we serve as per your convenience."

I glance at my wrist watch. I've so much time before my first lecture.

"Give me thirty minutes." I say to the man. He nods and bows, excusing himself politely to inform the kitchen staff. I resume walking to my room. As I open the door, my foot slides an envelope forward. Closing the door, I bend over to pick it up.

Dear Son,

Send two lacs to Casino Kings.

Your "trying to be but not wanting to be" father,
Virendra Pratap Singh Rajawat.

Ps. Damn it! that's a long ass name. Anyway, thank you.

I roll my eyes and walk up to the shredding machine, discarding the paper into thin strips. He must have gotten himself into some high debts at the casino. Honestly, seeing his acting skills, he really had true potential at becoming an actor. Too bad, his father never approved of the "low standard, cheap" profession that he thinks doesn't go beyond selling looks and bodies.

I inquire at the Casino Kings about his debts. They send me a deposit link where I can wire the money to clear his account. I also make sure they blacklist him for future. I know he'll find somewhere else to burn my hard earned money, but there's nothing I can do to stop that. He's protecting my secrets in exchange of cash, and the only thing that's stopping me from killing him is the Chairman. He might not be proud of Virendra, but he still considers the man as his son. And if something happens to him, the Chairman, even if for his reputation's sake, will go to the root of everything to find who did it. And that's not where I need my focus right now.

Putting my glasses in the safe, I choose a crisp blue button down shirt, black trousers and a black leather belt. Draping my outfit on the edge of the bed, I take a shower and change out of the yesterday's clothes.

As I stare at myself in the mirror, fiddling with the folded sleeves of my shirt, I wonder if I'm ready to face Tara. After what happened last night, I'm afraid she might see me and join the dots in her head. That it was me who hurt her, betrayed her. It's not possible. But the worm of worry wiggles in my mind.

After the trip, we had parted ways awkwardly. I was thrust back into my past because of the question over my virginity and I had to take a moment alone to compose myself. Then the same night, during dinner, the Chairman asked me on my progress regarding Jumbo Steels and I realised I hadn't even thought of a plan yet, let alone implement it. Hence, I got too busy figuring out a way to revive Jumbo Steels without spending a penny of mine. There was no way I can get new investors. No one will invest in a company that's neck-deep in debts. And I can't get Esther Innovations' investors on board, because then the Chairman will notice the pattern. And in all these problems, Tara couldn't find a room in my thoughts.

"I was confused. But the last few days cleared up a lot of things. I'm becoming a mess day by day. And tell that brother of yours to stay away from me. I've degraded myself enough for you two unworthy men"

What did she mean by that?

It's during my drive to University that the realisation hits me.

"Fuck. I was supposed to meet her on Friday!" I hit the steering wheel and groan loudly in frustration. "And then I didn't even talk to her as Shourya because I was too busy in my work." I grunt. "Shit! Did she think I was ignoring her? Is that why she said that? No, no, no. I ruined my chances over something stupid?" I grind my molars and rest my head on the steering, flinching because of the horn. "Dumb, Shourya. So fucking dumb." I grit, pressing on the accelerator to get there faster.

I need to talk to her. Of course she needs constant attention between the tug of war I'm playing as both Shourya and Rudra.

"I hate myself." I grumble, parking my car in the designated spot and throwing the door open with force. The students loitering around startle, watching me storm off in the direction of the library. I check the time on my watch. As per her schedule, she has a free period. But she comes early because of Janet. So she's either in the library or at the cafeteria.

I push the double doors open, garnering attention from the whispering crowd. My eyes survey the area, checking the strange faces to find the familiar one. I step inside, shrugging the backpack on my shoulders and decide to check the Journalism section. I don't find her there, so I just randomly roam every aisle. I was about to skip the literature section, assuming she'd never go there since she doesn't read, but she surprises me by holding a Murakami book in her hand, completely immersed in his writing.

I enter the aisle next to her, skimming my fingers on the spines as I stare at her from the tiny little gaps of the books. My lips smile. They just know how to in her presence. She has taught them well.

She closes the book and turns. I duck to hide, pretending to look through the books as she does the same, keeping an eye on her to make sure she doesn't spot me, even though I came here abandoning my first class to speak to her.

I lose the track of my own actions when she reaches closer and stands right in front of me. It's when our fingers touch and an undeniable spark zaps through our bodies that she looks into my eyes. She retracts her hand, as if my touch burnt her and turns to leave.

I quickly follow her. "Tara-"

"I'll tell you when Arush finds the sim." She turns to face me, pushing me to an abrupt halt. "I don't think we've anything else to discuss. Excuse me." And she leaves.

"Fuck." I cup my face in despair.

Dropping my arms to the sides, I see her issue books at the check out and exit the library. For the next three hours, I follow her around like a lovesick puppy, looking for one chance to talk to her. She blatantly ignores me.

At the end of the day, I sprawl in the lounge room of the restroom and rake a hand through my hair.

She really meant it when she said she wants nothing to do with me anymore.

I get up to use the loo when my phone starts vibrating. I fish it out.

Akansha.

I reject the call and continue with my business. The phone constantly vibrates as I pull the flush, wash my hands, dry them under the dryer and wipe them clean with the tissues.

Irritated out of bounds, I answer the call. "What!?" My tone comes out snappy and harsh.

"You need to come to the cafeteria -"

"I don't need to come anywhere -"

"It's Tara. Something happened. She got a call and she started to panic." I hang up and grab my backpack, fleeing the rest room next second. Just as I reach the cafeteria, I collide into Taranya and Janet at the doors.

"What's wrong?" I ask, worry lacing my voice.

She ignores me and rushes out. Janet glances at me, about to follow her best friend when I grab her hand. "Please tell me."

"She got a call from the hospital that her father fainted while he was performing a surgery. They tried everyone's phones listed as emergency but no one was answering. Vivaan is also out for a conference. So they had to call her." She says in a hurry and runs out. I follow them hastily.

Taranya's hand trembles as she tries to unlock the car, fumbling with the fob. She opens the door after a minute of struggle. Before she can get in, I grab her elbow.

"Shourya, not now-"

"Let me drive you." I guide her to the backseat.

"Shourya-"

"You need to call your brothers. Please, let me drive you. You're not in the right state of mind." She blinks rapidly to avoid the tears, her chest heaves visibly, up and down, up and down, as if she's struggling for oxygen. "Breathe, my love." I hold her shoulders gently, inhaling and exhaling deeply, urging her to follow me. She does. "Good girl. Now you sit here," I usher her inside the car on the backseat and bend, putting on the seatbelt for her. "And calm down. Your father is all right, okay?" She nods, looking at me with hope, as if praying my words are true. "Call one of your brothers and tell them the news. I'll drive you to the hospital." I lean in to press a kiss on her forehead. Then I close the door and look over the roof of the car, my eyes meet Janet's.

"Let's go," I tell her. She nods and gets in the car. I occupy the driver's seat, put on my seatbelt and pull the car out of the college premises.

"He's all right," I hear Janet say.

We all wish it's true, but neither of us know if it really is.

Aww, he didn't mean to ignore her 💔 I'm whipped for this man and I'm not ashamed.

Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Don't forget to vote and comment. Makes my day.