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-• i'll always choose her •-

Rudra

Taranya always surprises me.

Like she's doing now.

I'd never be worried for a person I didn't get along with or with whom I shared a bitter past and don't feel comfortable around. Maybe that's the reason why I'm drawn to her so much. Because I could never be like her, never want to be like her, but that's what so special about her, that's what makes this feeling so profound. To want the person you never want to be like, because they are the way you won't be ever, as if they're filling the void you never recognised, never acknowledged, only felt.

I want Tara for her kindness she shows. I want her for the humility, the humbleness, the gentleness, the way she's so soft, considerate, in her actions, with her words, through the times you find hard, unbearable, unfair.

I want to protect everything that makes her. She makes me experience emotions I had forgotten names of, let alone remember how they feel. My side of the world was always cruel, unjustified, and selfish. But her world, no, not the one she lives in, the one she holds within herself, an entire universe, hundred different galaxies, thousand blinking stars, I want them. I want all of them. I want her.

"Where's she?" Taranya huffs, planting her hands on her knees as she bends, tired, exhausted, worried lines crowning the beautiful face. "Shit, I shouldn't have drank the beer Ayush offered me. I'm tired and sleepy." She wipes the sweat on her forehead with the back of her hand.

"Why don't you wait here?" I say and gently hold her hand. She watches me take her to the nearest, tallest tree. I make her sit down and she looks up at me confused. I crouch in front of her, unfastening my smart watch and slipping it on her slender wrist. "It's safe here. There are no wild animals around. Stay here, take a breath. I'll go and find her. I promise I'll bring her to you safe."

"She's our responsibility."

I nod. "I know." I tuck an unruly strand behind her ear. "But you've looked around enough. Now let me go search for her. Maybe I'll be able to find her faster?"

"Wait," she furrows, "Are you saying I'm slowing you down, Rajawat?"

"Shit. I thought I was being subtle." I smile.

She punches me gently on the shoulder. I mock a look of hurt and fall down on my butt. She chuckles. "Go and find her."

"Don't move from here. And if I don't return in an hour, you can inform the others." I sit back on my feet, cupping her knees gently.

"We should have informed them earlier." She smacks her lips in disappointment.

I shake my head. "I don't think needless panic is good. The twins would have informed the cops or worse, your brothers, and your plan to convince that man would have been ruined-"

"Dr. Khan." She adds. "No, wait, Mr. Khan." She corrects herself after a split second of thinking.

"Yeah, him." I nod. "I'm sure she's somewhere close, perhaps lost her way while wandering. The forest isn't that dense, I'll be able to find her quick." I tap her knee in reassurance.

She sighs in defeat, accepting my advice. "An hour?"

"Not a second longer."

She raises a brow, "and if you're late?"

"You can kiss me as a punishment." I flick the tip of her nose.

She swats my hand away. "Stop wasting time and go look for her."

"I'll be back." I make an attempt to stand when she clutches my fingers. My eyes drift down, locking with the sparkling blue ones and I squat again, "What's wrong?"

"Don't make me wait."

"Never." I promise.

She nods and releases my hand. "Go."

I clench and unclench my fingers, shoving the same hand in the pockets of my joggers, ignoring the tingling feeling erupting like fireworks through my veins. It's like I'm celebrating in my head but have no idea how to express it. But something feels new.

I glance back.

She smiles at me.

And it hits me. It hits me so out of the blue I almost trip. She hunches forward in worry. I chuckle, embarrassment laced, awkward, my hands flailing weirdly as I try to assure her I'm fine. She settles back, laughs softly and waves me off with her hand. I ruffle the back of my head sheepishly, look ahead and increase the gap between my strides, walking off faster.

I'm a total social misfit, completely inept at dealing with emotions, but with her, I fit. Beside her, I fit like that's where I belong. How is that fair?

I look heavenwards.

How is that fair, God? To feel like that for one person among million others? A whole world, more than seven billion people, and just her? Just her who makes me feel that way? That's not fair. That's so not fair. But thank you. Fuck, thank you.

I never believed in God. I never felt the need to, time to, chance to believe in him. But then how else would I describe Taranya? If she's not a fucking miracle, then how else can I explain her existence? If I could go back in time, I'd stop feeling everything again, just to feel her with the same mad intensity that I feel for her.

I've been a practical man all my life. I believed in numbers and statistics and data and now I've veered off the lane, entering into a whole new world at a hundred miles per hour. But I'm not stopping. She smiles and I feel this strange adrenaline rush that I can do anything. I can win the world, I can climb the sky, I can turn into a fucking Superman and skip towers. And the most funny thing about it? I really believe it's possible. Which is dumb, and stupid and probably the most foolish thought I've ever had, but still, not even the thousand lines of codes that I debug, the tens of spreadsheets I read every day, the stock market I assess every night made so much sense as the rush, the high, the determination to flip the world that I feel when she smiles at me does.

Branches sway and I break out of the daze. I need to focus on finding Akansha. I wonder where the girl went and why she went? Can't she keep still for one fucking day? Do I really have to waste my time finding her when I could have been spending it with Taranya?

Tearing through the fragile branches of plants, I step over bushes, snap the twigs, crush the dried leaves beneath my feet as my eyes survey the area carefully. I need to find her as soon as possible and take her back to the campsite. I hope she's safe. Because she might be academically smart, but she's unnaturally dumb and innocent when it comes to the life in streets. I trust her to sit in a random stranger's car just because he talked to her politely and offered her a ride back home.

But I hope she didn't find the main road yet. And just as I say that, I stumble into a clearing that ends at a cliff. And there she stands, at the edge of it, hugging herself tightly as she watches the city glimmer and sparkle at her feet.

I heave a sigh of relief.

Removing my jacket, I approach her and drape it over her shoulders. She startles, turns around and gasps, her foot slips from the edge and gravity pulls her back. I lunge forward to grab her hand, holding her inches away from the death-fall. Then I yank her up and her hands clutch my shoulders, relief washes over her face.

I step back to add distance between us. Since that uncomfortable moment in the car, staying around her brings chills to my body. The fact that she was in control and I wasn't, just like that night, left me feeling vulnerable and open to every cruelty this world has practiced on me.

"What are you doing here?"

She grabs the sides of my jacket and pulls them closer. "I came out of the tent to talk to you but you weren't at the bonfire. I got lost when trying to find you. Then I stumbled here," she turns around to face the magnificent view, "and it kept me hostage."

"It's late. Let's go back." I turn around to leave.

"Stay," she grabs my arm. I glare down at her hand. She quickly releases it.

"Don't ever touch me without my permission." I warn her.

She nods. "I know you hate it." I frown. "I did it because she was watching."

I scoff out a chuckle. "You're crazy."

She licks her lower lip and swallows, visibly worn out with the way her eyes cast down and head tilts lower. "Do you see that?" She suddenly speaks, referring to the city lights before us.

I'm seriously not in the mood to entertain her antics. "What about it?"

"That's what matters to my mother." She smiles softly. "Just that." She shrugs, "That life, those polished, shiny apartments, gaudy jewelries to show off, luxurious brands to flaunt, kitty parties and functions and champagnes and gowns and soft music and a man to hold her hand for a lifetime. She doesn't care if he's out there cheating or having sex with young women and men, and that he doesn't give two dimes about her, all she care about is that glitz and glamour that she has to keep up with, because that's her life. She has nothing else to look forward to." Her eyes meet mine. "That's what matters to her. As if her soul has found solace in a materialistic, plastic world, because the real one never made her feel loved or belonged or accepted. Or maybe, maybe she doesn't know that there's a real world outside her three storey mansion." She struggles to hold back her tears. "She never got to stand here," she looks around us, "in this place and feel this peace, this silence, this moment. Because she was always in that crowd," her eyes flickers to the front. "And maybe, she thinks that's the limit of her world, and that's the limit of mine."

"No." I state. "Don't justify bad people."

She looks at me. "I have to." She says with conviction. "That's how I feel loved, that's how I feel wanted by her."

"If we're done, let's go," I turn to leave.

"Please marry me." She begs.

I stand rooted to my place, unwilling to face her.

"I know you don't love me," then she chuckles sarcastically, as if she said something funny. "Too far fetched. I don't think you even like me." She comes around to stand in front of me. I avoid meeting her eyes by looking at the city lights. "I don't want anything else, Shourya. I just want you. I love you."

I stare at her in disbelief. I don't remember being remotely interested in her to make her fall for me. I was only kind to her in from of others. Outside that circle, I treated her like a liability and she'd have to be dumb to fall for a person who thinks of her as a burden.

"I really do."

"You're confused."

She shakes her head. "I know you were never interested in me. And it's not how you behaved around me that made me fall for you. It's when I see you with her, the way your gaze softens, your lips smile, your entire body language changes. I've fallen for the person you become around her."

"And you think that's fair to you?"

She shrugs. "But it's also not fair that I don't get the person I love." She mumbles softly.

"How can you not value yourself at all?"

She looks up at me. "We're marrying, Shourya. And no, not because I insist. It's because your grandfather has promised my father."

I roll my eyes.

"I know you don't believe me. What did he tell you? That one more month and you can break it off with me?" My head snaps to her. She smiles. "So that's what he said to you? And you believed him? You really think he'd let an illegitimate child become Rajawat family's daughter in law? You've to be incredibly naive to think that." Her tone changes to a sharp one.

"How- how do you know?"

"I heard him talking to my father when I came back from University one day." She replies. "But that's not important. Just know that if you choose her over me, you'd be choosing her over Rajawat Empire. Do you really want that? Do you really want to give up on your entire fortune for her?"

Do I really want that?

Can I give up on my revenge?

"That hesitance is your answer." She states. "All I want is you, Shourya. Nothing else. I don't care if you spend every night with her if you spend one night with me. I don't care if you promise the world to her if you promise your lifetime with me. I don't care how tightly you hold her in your arms as long as you hold my hand in front of the world." She steps forward and places her hands on my chest. "It's through me you can achieve everything you want. She'll only ruin you."

I clench my jaw and shove her hands off me before I step back. "I'd rather her ruin me than ruin myself with you."

Her eyes brim with fresh tears. "Why?"

"Because I can't spend my life pretending to be happy with you when I can't even force myself to smile at you." Tears fall heedless from her eyes. "I'm sorry." I whisper.

"You can't change the destiny. And you're destined to end up with me." She wipes her tears elegantly.

"If I can't change the destiny, I'll destroy it." I answer. "But I'll only do what I want. I'm done being a puppet."

She smiles mirthlessly. "I'll be there for you when that illusion of yours break. Let's go," she walks past me. When I don't move, she looks over her shoulder. "C'mon, I'm sure she's waiting for us."

My eyes meet hers in surprise. "How-"

"How do I know?" She smiles. "Because you never even noticed my presence, let alone my absence."

That shouldn't make me feel guilty. But it does. I used to think she's too far gone in her world of branded shoes and designer dresses to notice the subtle details of our non-existent relationship, but turns out, she does, everything about it.

She follows my lead back into the forest and in about twenty minutes, we reach the campsite. When I stop walking, she turns around to face me. "You're not coming?"

I don't answer.

"She's waiting for you somewhere?"

I look down at my feet.

"I know you don't consider me important in your life, so you can take this advice with a grain of salt, but end it with her. Whatever it is." She mutters. My gaze elevates to find hers. "And trust me, I'm not saying this for me. I'm saying this for both of you. And especially for her. I hate to admit it, but I can understand why you fell for her. And if you really love her, I don't think you can stand hurting her. But that's what you'd be doing if you keep giving her false hopes." She shrugs. "Good night."

I watch her retreating back with a thoughtless mind. But one sentence of her echos in my head.

"And if you really love her, I don't think you can stand hurting her."

Love?

Is it love?

But I don't know what love is.

I've never felt it before.

So what should I call this feeling? This intense need for her? This passion, this desire, this wave of emotions that washes over me whenever she's around? What is it? And if it doesn't have a name, do I deserve to call it love? Because I'm selfish. Even if she ends up hating me for all the possible things I might do in future, I'll still go back to her, still ask for her forgiveness, still never give up on her, and still do, everything good and bad, worse and evil, to make sure at the end of the day I get to call her mine.

Fine, if that's love,

then I love her.

I love Taranya Singh Chauhan. 

I turn around and run back inside the forest, retracing the same path I led her to, and find her right where I left her, dozing off against the bark of the tree. I slow down, approach her softly and squat to my knees. Her right shoulder fails to support her head and so it lolls, her body leaned to the side. I sit next to her, moving as stealthy as possible, avoiding making sound and lend her my shoulder. Her head drops with a quiet thud and she sighs, leaning more into me, finding comfort and warmth in my cold arms. I smile.

I stare ahead, arm draped across my pulled up knee, mindlessly playing with a random twig I find near me. Everytime she breathes, and everytime I feel it in the nook of my neck, I'm reminded of the fact that I love this girl. I love her more than anything. God, I love love love her.

She stirs. I turn my head to look down at her as she heaves her body straight, her eyes flutter open. Sleep dances on her lashes, she appears in a dream-like state.

"You're back," she whispers.

"I told you I'd be back."

"You're late." She frowns cutely.

I bite my lower lip, release it to whisper, "Sorry?"

"Time for punishment." And she leans in, startling me so hard I feel the breath knock out of me when her lips land on mine. I don't move, don't blink, I just sit there, my hands awkwardly to my side, waiting for her to make the next move when I realise she fell back asleep. Her head slips down and rests on my shoulder. She purrs like a cat, nuzzles her face in the crook of my neck while I stay frozen in shock.

It takes me a minute to absorb what just happened.

Was she dreaming?

Or did she wake up for real?

Is she still drunk? She didn't drink much though. Just two cans of beer. Maybe she's a lightweight?

My head drops back with a thump and I sigh in regret. I should have kissed her back. Damn it. I lost the opportunity.

I don't remember how long I stared into the distance or when I fall asleep, because my eyes directly open the next day. Warm sunshine streams through the gaps of the trees, different birds croon and the dawn is colder than the dusk.

I sit straight before realising Taranya was sleeping on my shoulder and she's not anymore. I find her sitting beside me, lips pressed, blush covering her cheeks.

"You should have woken me up."

"You looked like you really needed that sleep." I say.

As Rudra, I'm aware of the nightmares she deals with every night, but as Shourya I tried to sound as vague as possible.

She nods. "I did."

I crack my neck and roll my shoulders, releasing a strangled groan of relief. "The sky is clear. It's a good start." I look up.

She follows, humming softly in agreement. I look at her and her head tilts. Our eyes meet. When I don't speak, she raises a brow.

"Are we staying here another night?"

She gets up with a start. "Of course not. Let's go."

I get up too and hold out my hand for her, out of habit, that I don't even have yet.

She looks down at it, then at me, confusion in her eyes.

"The ground is uneven. I'm afraid you might fall." I pathetically defend.

She slowly nods, feigning to understand me. "And you'll catch me if I do?"

"Everytime." I promise.

She smiles. "Alright then, you're reporting early today, Mr. Bodyguard." Her hand slides into mine.

I chuckle. "Always at your service, Miss Chauhan." And we head back to the campsite together, hands interlaced, lips mirroring broad grins.

He finally realised that it's love!

And so did I! Congrafuckulations to me! I fell for another fictional man! This one seems to have the plans of staying permanently!

Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Don't forget to vote and comment. Makes my day.