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Nandani POV

"I was looking for you everywhere?"

I said and he inhaled a deep breath looking back at me. I was wearing a beautiful red and dark green pair. And, noticing him laying on his back wearing a white kurta, my heart skipped a few beats.

My anxiousness instantly melts seeing him in the white and his face brightening under the moonlight.

I could see his eyes looking at me with distress and laziness as he asked in a slow and polite voice.

"And how did you find me?"

He asked in a slow voice and I smiled weakly. I gulped to wet my drying-out throat and said blinking nervously.

"I looked for you everywhere and then thought of coming on the terrace,"

I said feeling a little nervous at this moment. I did not know but I could understand his pain at this moment. I knew what happened at the court and silently lowered myself to sit beside him.

Our eyes silently looked into each other and I took my slightly shaking fingers to his head.

"Are you angry?"

My voice was slow, and shaky and had no idea what kind of behaviour should I expect from him now.

He blinked weakly and kept his head in my lap shaking his head lightly.

"I just wanted some time alone, just myself,"

He said closing his eyes.

My eyes looked at his face which had now turned red out of pain and hurt. Some wounds are always deeper than physical ones. That much deeper that you cannot even explain them to the physicians. 

I gulped gently pushing my slightly trembling fingers into his hair and brushing it featherly.

"Did I disturb you?"

I asked in a slow voice.

He shook his head lightly and looked into my eyes, opening his eyes wide.

"No, you saved me,"

His voice had turned a little shaky and hoarse and I noticed a lone tear leaving his eyes.

I gulped and my heart twisted insanely just by seeing that tear fall from his eyes. I took my finger close to the side of his eyes and lightly washed it away.

My breathing fastened and deepened a little and I asked in a slow and trembling voice.

"Are you missing your father?"

I asked in a soft voice and he slowly shook his head.

"My mother,"

He said in a low voice. 

Inhaling a deep breath, he closed his eyes and I asked in a slow voice.

"How did she look?"

He opened his eyes and looked at the stars in the sky. I saw him inhaling a deep breath and I could see his medium lashes, perfect eyebrows and the forehead that usually shines when he blinked lazily looking at the clear sky with uncountable stars shining.

His shoulder-length hair was tied in a bun but still, a few loose strands were moving with the cold breeze that was sending chills down my spine frequently.

"She was beautiful,"

He said in a slow voice.

My fingers gently moved in his loosely tied small bun to undo it and let the strands take down his stress.

"I do not remember much as I was just seven or maybe eight when I lost her. She had this thick, long hair just like you have,"

He said further and a beautiful smile appeared on his face which eventually pulled the corners of my lips upwards a little.

"Her smile was beautiful and her eyes were intense and deep like oceans. Her voice was like melody. I used to sleep just by looking at her face and listening to her beautiful voice,"

He said a little excitedly and I blinked nervously. 

No matter how much we miss someone in our life, some things always stay out of our hands. Seeing him remember his mother was making me remember my brother a lot. It had been months since I had even seen him.

I still remembered how sweet, loving, caring and such a gentleman he was. But, I had to keep all this in my heart until everything gets fine.

I hoped that someday everything would be fine. The line which had separated two best friends would someday faden away and the distances would be erased just as the huge wave of ocean erases the shoreline. I heard it somewhere.

I closed my eyes and Inhaled a deep breath before coming back to the moment.

I kept moving my finger in his head and he suddenly said.

"Bass ek galti kardi thi unhone,"

"She had only done one mistake,"

He said and I gulped. He blinked and I could see the pain visible on his face. I could see his face turning red as he was controlled to not burst into cries.

"And, what was that,"

I asked. 

He needed to get over this. He needed to bleed that pain which had been conquering him, over his sanity, over his brain, over everything he was doing. All deeds were stained with the blood of his mother and until could get his thoughts unstained with the old memories and dark blood, his decisions would ever be partial or biased and could not be for the welfare of the people.

A King could not have a stained mind, a King could not afford a biased brain, and a King's decisions could not be directed from a hurt heart.

I saw him looking at the sky and he said in a slow voice.

"Ek aaiyash ko Dil de bethi thi. Jin aakhon ko swapn dekhne ki pabandi thi, un naino me kuch sapne saja bethi thi. Umeed se jyada soch liya tha unhone, ek daasi hote hue kisi Rajkumar ki patni banne ka swapn saha bethi thi,"

"She lost her heart to a pervert. She build dreams in the eyes which were forbidden to dream. She dreamt more than she was allowed, she dreamt of becoming the wife of a Prince despite being a slave woman,"

He said and my finger unknowingly started shaking even more. I did not know but whenever someone starts sharing his deep side and something that was so different from my life, I just lose my words and strength. Though, I wanted deeply to get him over all those painful once and for all.

I gulped and did not say anything.

He did not want my opinions or suggestions. He was capable of doing that. My Daadisa always told me that if someone was opening up to you, it's not because he wants a suggestion or opinion, it's because he just wants to unburden his heart a little.

"Keemat chukai fir unhone un sapno ki, apni jindagi se, apni azaadi se, apni ichao se or ant me apni Jaan se. Hume apne pita se itna Prem kabhi nahi Raha kyuki jo hamari maasa ke saath hua uske liye kahi na kahi sab jimmedar hai, vo bhi. Unki koi galti nahi thi, Agastya sirf do mahine ka tha jab vo chod kar chali gayi Hume, Agastya ki koi galti nahi thi, Ranvijay ki koi galti nahi thi, Hamari koi galti nahi thi. Bachpan me kuch nahi chahiye tha, Rajkumar hote hue janwaro se battar jindagi bitayi hai, Jin ke gale kaatne the unke aage sir jhukaya hai, bachpan ka koi afsos nahi hume, lekin ek maa ko chod diya hota, Mahadev bhi patani kya Leela rachte hai, ek maasa ko chod dete hamare liye, bass, hum uff bhi nahi karte,"

"Then, she paid the price for those dreams, with her life, with her freedom, with her wishes and at the end with her life. I never loved my father that much because everyone was somehow responsible for what happened to our mother, and he too. It was not her fault, Agastya was only two months old when she left us, it was not Agastya's fault, It was not Ranvijay's fault, it was not my fault. I did not want anything in my childhood. Being a prince, I have lived a life worse than animals, I have bowed down to those whose throats I wanted to cut, and I have no regrets about my childhood, But our mother would have been left. Mahadev at least should have left her for us, just her and I would never have complained a bit,"

He said and another tear fall from his eyes. Now my heart twisted painfully in my chest and I said in a shaky voice.

"Aap roiye to mat,"

"Please, do not cry,"

He looked at me and suddenly said.

My heartbeats suddenly slowed down, my chest started feeling heavy and burdened.

"That is why I did not want you to marry anyone. Because no one can understand what a woman sacrifices in this world. Just for being a woman. She would be used and then expected to bear it with the stiff lip. She would be fucked to make babies and then left with them to nurture alone. I could not trust anyone, I could not let anyone come close to you. I did not know if I loved you or not but I did not want you to shed even a single tear, Nandani. I know I make you cry sometimes but you fight with me, you claim your right over me. You understand your worth. Not every woman or person precisely, is like you. Not everyone stands up for themselves and in this mean world, no one stood beside my mother,"

He said and tears started to fall from my eyes.

"I know you could not see me with anyone. I know you make me cry sometimes but you also know how to heal me,"

I said in a shaky voice and leaned in closer to press my trembling lips softly against his forehead.

He inhaled a sharp breath with my touch and asked in a slow voice.

"Why do you love me this much? Nandani. I am not even worthy of it. I am your family's enemy, you know that I am planning to kill your parents. I do not know what the future holds for me. My whole life was just crap. Why do you even like me? I am just someone who just cannot get over a stained past,"

He asked blinking sadly and I inhaled a deep breath.

"Raja Daksh ko Mahadev pasand nahi the. Lekin mata Sati to sirf Mahadev ko chahti thi. Or shuruat me Mahadev ko Prem nahi tha itna Mata sati se lekin jab Mata sati ki mrityu Hui thi tab vo unhone sansar nasht karne ka than liya tha,"

"King Daksh also disliked Mahdev. But Mata Sati only wanted him. And, in the beginning, he also not loved her that much but when Mata Sati died, he made up his mind to finish the whole world,"

He looked at me and thinned his eyebrows.

"What are you trying to say?"

He asked.

I smiled weakly and said.

"You might not be the hero for everyone Rudra, you might not be the best, you might not be the most loving one, you might not be perfect and there could be countless imperfections in you but you are that villain of my life who can burn this world for me. And, I have seen that,"

He looked at me and smiled weakly.

"Am I the villain of your life?"

He asked and I nodded lightly.

"You are that villain of my life who does not leave a single day without splitting my heart in two and you are that saviour of my life who does not let me sleep a single day without making me feel immensely and deeply loved,"

I said and lowered my gaze, breaking the eye contact.

It was true whatever I said. Whatever he had done should have made me hate him. People did expect me to hate him and punish him for what he did. I did punish him for what he did but I could never be able to hate him. Because he was the man of my dreams and my nightmare. He surely made me cry several times but still, I could not hate him.

Hate comes from expectations over reality. Somehow we all stay familiar with reality and still expects. That expectation over reality comes from inspiration. Inspiration comes from surroundings, surroundings that you live, surroundings that you imagine, and surroundings you want to imagine and we find inspiration because we do not love reality. Which is pain, which is truth, which is strength, which is the beauty of life, which is the sign that you are living. 

And, his truth was his past, his reality was his upbringing, his surroundings were a lie, his life was not perfect, and he was not the best at everything.

And, this was the reality of my love. And, I never expected beyond reality, that was why it never make me hate him.

I never expected beyond reality. The day I would start expecting beyond reality, I would start seeing problems in him, in us and eventually in our relationship which would someday separate us.

And, I did not hold his hand to leave.

Because it would be a thousand times easy to leave a suffering soul but it would take the courage of a thousand times God's courage to enlighten a suffering soul.

His situation was like a frog who had never seen a world outside the well, who did not know what existed beyond those dark walls, for him it was the world, it was the truth, it was everything and if you would that the world is way bigger than the well, he would laugh on you and never believe it.

Suddenly he straightened himself.

His face changed and he touched my cheek with his finger softly.

"Aaj lag raha hai ki agar ye rajpath nahi bhi hota, do waqt ka khana nahi bhi hota, or bass aap hoti to ye jindagi itni bebas nahi lagti hume,"

"Today it seems that even if this Kingdom was not there, there was no food for two times, and only you were there, then this life would not have seemed so helpless to me,"

He said and a thousand butterflies erupted in my stomach. And I blinked nervously looking into his eyes. My hand slowly reached to hold his wrist softly and I said in a slow voice.

"It is not powerless or devastated Rudra, it's just you are giving importance to the half-truths. The only thing you have to do is to make a decision. Now, I will not tell you a thousand reasons why your father was wrong and my parents were right. You are free to do whatever you want. If you want to pursue your revenge, you wholeheartedly can. But, always remember I am my parent's daughter first. It's my family first and then my love. Just like you, I will have to choose between you and my family. I will choose my family, just like you will choose yours over us,"

I said as no matter how much I loved him, still I could not see him cutting the heads of my family. Now, was not the time to show love and to tell him the truth which I knew he would never believe. But, now was the time to see if the burn was mutual, the feeling was strongly deepening for both of us. It was time to see what he actually wanted.

And, whatever would be his decision, I would not stop loving him but could not stand on the wrong side either.

Tears started blurring my vision and I said.

"Pal do pal ka Ishq nahi hai hume aapse, Prem hai, ek zamane ki tadap hai, ek umr ki belihaaz mohobbat hai, ek jaman ka sabar hai, ek kal ki umeed hai, ek sapno ka aashiyana hai, har saas me aapka naam hai, har khwab me aapki aahat hai, har pal me ibadat hai or kya kehte hai urdu jaban me... aapke hone se hamara wajood mukammal hai or aapki har ek toot ti saans se ek ek janam ki maut hai. Aap hamare seene pe katar bhi rakh denge to hum aapki koi majboori samajh ke usse bhi apna lenge. Apni izzat, apne parivaar ki izzat, apne Bhai ki chuppi sab haste haste bardaash kar Li humne, sirf aapke liye. Kyuki Hume gyat hai Nandani ka Rudra ke bina koi astitva hi nahi hai. Hum to Bane hi aapke liye hai. Hume to itni parwah bhi nahi ki log hamare maasa, baapusa, bhaisa, hamare parivaar ke liye kya kya bolte hai. Hume to aapke alawa kuch dikhta hi nahi hai. Rudra ye, Rudra vo, Rudra-Nandani bass... Hum to chahkar bhi ki aapko apne man se nahi nikal paye. Lekin, Nandani mar jaegi or apne hotho par kabhi Rudra ka naam nahi aane degi agar aapne ya aapke parivaar me se kisi ne bhi hamare parivaar ko itni si chot bhi pohuchane ki koshish ki to. Bhot bada Dil hai hamare maasa baapusa ka, apne jigar ka tukda apne dushman ki bete ke hatho me Khushi Khushi sama diya unhone, or shayad hamari Khushi ke liye Khushi Khushi Jaan bhi de denge lekin ye Nandani ki mrit deh bhi aapko naseeb nahi hone denge hum jo unhe itni si chot bhi aayi to. Prem to hum hamesha karte rahenge aapse lekin aapko prem karne ke liye sirf ek jinda laash hi milegi, Rudra,"

"I do not have a love like for a few moments love only, I have love, a yearning of a long time, unconditional love of a long time, the patience of a long time, hope for tomorrow, home of dreams, your name in every breath of mine. There is your sound in my every dream, there is worship for you in every moment of mine and what it is said in the Urdu language... my existence is complete without you and with every broken breath of yours, I will suffer the pain of the death of one life. If you even put a dagger in my chest, I will accept it as your compulsion. I tolerated our respect, our family's respect, and my brother's silence with a smile, just for you. Because I know that Nandani has no existence without Rudra. I am made for you. I do not even care that much about what people say about my mother, father, brother, my family. I can not see anything except you. Rudra this, Rudra that, Rudra-Nandani that's it... I could not get you out of my mind even after wishing for it. But, Nandni will die and will never let Rudra's name come to her lips if you or anyone in your family ever tries to hurt my family even a bit. My mother and my father have very big hearts, he happily gave their heart to the hands of his enemy's son, and maybe they will happily die for my happiness, but you will not get even the dead body of Nandani if you try to draw even a single drop of their blood. I will keep on loving you but only a living corpse will be found for you to love, Rudra"

I said and he gulped looking at me. His eyes held pain and I inhaled deeply as the tears fell from my eyes without stopping.

"You can avenge your father's death, you can do whatever you want. And, let me know when will you do that. I will not stop you, I will not even try to make you understand what you are doing wrong. I will not even tell you the truth. I will not say a single word. I will just leave you with the victory and the best wishes for your future,"

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