Watch your thoughts, they become your words: 11 | Her Silence

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"Where are we going?" tanong ko. He mumbled something pero hindi ko narinig. "Pinagtitinginan tayo..." Hmm, wala paring imik. "Cross, yung kamay ko." puna ko na dahil kanina niya pa iyon hawak-hawak habang hinihila ako papalabas ng campus.

I skipped class yesterday due to the incident; would it be okay if I skipped today too?

Hmm, ayos lang naman siguro dahil kasama ko si Cross na hindi papasok ngayon. Wala naman akong reklamo sa kung anong trip ng lalaking 'to, ang akin lang ay hawak niya ako't hindi ako kumportable roon.

My palms are calloused, may sugat pa. Hindi malambot at sobrang dry. Nakakahiya dahil ininsulto niya nga ako noong nakaraang araw dahil sa magaspang kong kamay. Pero nakakatawa at hindi sumagi sa isip kong bawiin iyon kanina, ngayon palang.

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Ha, what now Rubianna?

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Siguro dahil masakit ang katawan ko? I haven't still recover from yesterday and I am barely keeping up with him and Aoike this morning. Halos nakalimutan ko nga ang plano kong mapag-isa ngayon dahil sa mga nangyayari pero heto ako ngayon kasama ang lalaking hindi ko rin alam bakit ako sumama sa kanya.

Inabot nalang kami sa parking lot bago kami huminto sa tapat ng sasakyan niya. Binitawan niya rin ako sa wakas matapos hatakin sa harapan ng shotgun seat.

"Hop in." utos nito saka lumibot sa driver's seat. Bagaman nag aalangan, sumakay parin ako.

Hindi naman siguro masama kung pagsamantalahan ko ang pagkakataong ito. I just hope he'll bring me to somewhere nice and peaceful, hindi gaya dito sa school.
  
       

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I thought I'd never see him with such calm in his eyes after catching his gaze on mine.

They were full of contradictory feelings, but madness, hatred, and yearning won out. To be honest, I was pulled to such emotions and attempted several times to mentally summon some of them out from his eyes, but I gave up just now because everything vanished as we arrived at this Japanese-themed park. 

Everything went peaceful to me, even those eyes.

I sip my ice-cold canned coffee, savoring the drink as a gentle breeze brushes my hair. It's nice, but I'm not entirely refreshed by the scene around me.

The person beside me, sitting silently, makes me anxious. Did he bring me here just to watch him zone out?

I glance at the extra drinks he bought, grateful but confused. I've already downed three cans of coffee, while Cross sits motionless, lost in thought, staring into the distance.

Nakatitig lamang ako sa kanya, pinag mamasdan ang kanyang mukha hanggang sa ikinilos nito ang kamay niya para abutin ang isang lata ng beer. 

I heard the distinct sound of a freshly opened can, still hissing as he took a sip.

I watched as he tilted his head back, his Adam's apple flexing as he eagerly drank from the can, taking large and satisfying gulps.

"This is where I go when I want some time alone." Psh, ang sabihin niya nag e-emote siya dahil hindi siya pinansin ng mga kaibigan niya. I didn't expect him to speak though.

"Ah, hindi ko alam," sabi ko nalang dahil hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang sasabihin sa kanya.

"Wala ka bang ibang sasabihin?" 

What he expects me to say then? Damayan siya sa pag iinarte? Eh kung sabihin niya nalang ang totoo sa kanila? Less hassle. "Ano bang gusto mong marinig? I know my voice isn't comforting..."

"Pangit nga," bulong niya pero sapat na para marinig ko. I didn't expect him to be that direct and its somewhat insulting pero totoo naman ang sinabi niya.

Aside from my thoughts, isa rin ang boses ko sa dahilan kung bakit walang nagtatagal o nagtatangkang kuma-usap sa akin. I struggle to maintain a conversation kaya maling tao ang hinila at sinama niya sa pagmumuni.

If I were him, I'd want some time alone to sort things out na walang dinadamay na tao.

"Do you ever take a good look in the mirror? Take a moment to reflect on yourself," he remarked. 

I frowned, feeling defensive. "Are you trying to insult me, again?" 

He maintained a serious expression. "I'm serious, Ruby." 

"Well, I don't appreciate you being serious at all," I retorted.

Kung ano-ano nalang talaga ang lumalabas sa bibig niya. Pa feeling relevant eh hindi naman. Gaya nalang sa labas ng Guidance Office kanina, muntik ko nga siyang masapak dahil doon eh.

His sudden bursts of words got me feel insulted in every way. They came out of nowhere, almost like a jolt, and left me wondering where he even found those words.

Was he trying to hurt me for real or just out of boredom? Sa totoo lang, matagal ko na siyang nasakal at binawian ng hininga pero heto pa ako't tinatanggap ang bawat salitang sinasabi nalang ng bibig niya.

Hindi ko lang talaga mapuna kung anong gusto niyang ipahiwatig at nawawalan ako ng pasensya dahil doon.

"You entered this school looking like a scarecrow, like a mere walking stick," patuloy niya at mas lalong hindi ko iyon nagustuhan.

What's wrong with being skinny? 

"Did you bring me here just to throw insults on me?"

"Listen first, Rubianna." he demanded, again. 

"Nakikinig ako pero ayaw kitang pakinggan." nasisira ang mood ko't baka tadyakan kita bigla. Baka bigla ka ring mamatay.

"Look, I am trying to be nice here—"

"Oh, are you?" I scoffed. "Aren't you just being nice because your friends dumped you? If you're really being nice, pwes hindi ako natutuwa." I stated out simply to see his emotions slip away.

Strange. Why couldn't I see anything in his calm stare except a sense of his authority? I clenched my fist, attempting to remain calm while concentrating all of my attention on my palms. Now, I'm starting to hate those eyes he owned.

"'Wag mo silang isali sa usapan dahil hindi naman sila ang pinag uusapan. Maliwanag?"

"Mm," I hummed. Tsk.

"Hear me out, okay?"

"Okay." nakaka-irita ah? Hindi paba siya tapos sa eksena niya?

He sighed. "I really want to be honest with you right now, and please hear me out—this isn't easy for me either." paliwanag niya at nag-iba ang tingin nito sa akin.

"Seeing the footage made me furious. Not knowing what happened to you, seeing you end up in such a terrible state because of me... it's made my guilt twist into this anger I can't understand."

"I thought I saw you running into the middle, but I was in a tough situation and couldn't control everything that day. I couldn't think straight... I never meant to hurt you, Rubianna."

Anong sabi niya? Tsh, so nakita niya nga akong tumatakbo? He never meant but still hit me? Paano kung napuruhan nga ako? Sasabihin niya rin bang hindi niya sinadyang mamatay ako?

What an excuse... hindi ko alam kung kukumprontahin ko siya sa bagay na iyon kaso parang wala naman nang saysay dahil tapos na. Ako kasi yung tipo ng taong hindi tinatagalan ang isang bagay kung nakikita kong wala itong saysay o pakinabang.

Baka adik lang talaga ang gagong 'to at balak talaga akong sagasaan. Pero may saltik ata siya sa utak dahil kinakausap niya ako't pinagtitripan. Sumagi tuloy sa isipan ko ang nangyari. 

Tsk, balak ko ng kalimutan eh. Pauli-ulit namang pinapaala ng lalaking 'to.

"Okay." agaran kong sagot ng hindi na siya nagsalita.

"Okay?" his brow twisted.

"Mm. I heard you loud and clear," I said, shrugging. "You never meant it, so it's okay. It's not like you really killed me. So, we're done." I looked away, feeling a sense of finality.

He turned, frowning. "I hadn't even said my apologies yet—"

"It's okay," I interrupted, brushing it off. "I wasn't expecting an apology from anyone."

He scoffed, "Bakit ang tigas mo? Parang hindi ka umiyak... natakot."

I raised an eyebrow. "Huh? Umiyak ba ako? You talk as if you saw me cry and scared..."

His forehead creased, and he looked at me intently. "You did cry out loud, as if you were in agony."

I froze. "What?"

He leaned closer, eyes searching mine. "In my chest... 'Wag mo sabihing hindi mo maalala?"

Last time I remembered crying was when Adofo left, and I hadn't since. And in his chest? I knitted my brow, watching him. He looked back at me seriously, as if waiting for an answer.

"Aahh," wala na akong mahitang salita sa aking bibig. Isa lang naman ang ibig sabihin no'n. Hindi ako ang nakita niyang umiyak.

"Bakit parang balewala lang sa'yo ang lahat? As if everything is just a joke on you even after seeing you surrender in my arms."

Napa awang ang labi ko sa sinabi. Did he really have to emphasize that I went into his arms willingly, even if that wasn't true? It's like he's romanticizing something that never happened.

Disgusting. How twisted could he be?

I sighed, staring blankly ahead. "Do I really need to tell people more than they need to know? Hindi ba pwedeng akin nalang 'yon? Do I really need to explain myself?" In that moment, I paused and faced him.

Though his intentions were unclear, I met his seriousness head-on. "You're wondering why I've kept quiet after everything that's happened, and if that's what's causing this behavior... Let me make it clear, I don't want to feel like I have to beg to be understood or cared about. Kaya, 'wag mo pilitin ang sarili mong maging mabait sa akin dahil nagi-guilty ka."

Nanatili akong nakatitig sa kanya habang pilit hinahanap ang mga emosyong naglalaro sa kaniyang mga mata ngunit wala akong makita.

"You don't know me, Cargael Cross," I said firmly. "And if you're worried about me, understand this—my silence isn't a weakness." I ended, my gaze steady on him.

Sana ay naiintindihan niya ang sinasabi ko ngayon para matigil na siya. Kasi kung hindi? Baka ma first blood ko siya sa bansang 'to... God, he's giving me headaches and keep me talking.

Buti nalang, the sun was bidding its daily farewell, casting a golden hue across the park. Dahil doon humuhupa ang nararamdaman kong tensyon.

As it descended beyond the horizon, the sky transformed into a canvas of fiery hues, blending into a mesmerizing palette of oranges, pinks, and purples.

Ang ganda dito... I closed my eyes to feel and embrace the warmth of the sun. I used to isolate myself whenever something went wrong, that was beyond my control.

I just sulked in a corner, taking my time embracing the things I wished didn't exist, didn't know about, and hoped I never had to deal with.

The silence... It just allows me to reflect on things, enabling me to embrace situations, whether they're favorable or challenging. But the way I grew up, in my terrible environment that hurt every inch of me, scraped every skin of me, and dug every burial site for me, just wouldn't let me have peace.

I couldn't simply give a little peace for my inner turmoil.

And in my attempt to protect the most vulnerable portions of myself, I accidentally constructed yet another wall around myself. It was an attempt to conceal, a subconscious desire to feel vulnerable and run away.

However, as I soon realized, all of my efforts were ultimately worthless. Because, no matter how far I've run or how often I've tried to avoid it, the unknown persistently draws me back into the same, unwanted fate. It's a dreadful place where an ordinary human being can't even blink an eye. 

Then I found myself staying silent, enduring the pain and discomfort, bearing all the sadness, misery, and emptiness.

Instead of futile attempts to escape, crying out in desperation where no one could hear me was more like of my only option even it felt like I was trapped within my own graveyard.

And I learnt to live that way. To blend into my surroundings like a wound, salted every morning just to keep me awake from reality.

Even, having this crescent wounds on my palms wasn't the best coping mechanism I ever learned. This wounds would just help me in dire situations but since it became a bad habit, it would act as daily reminder how much I strained my self just to keep myself alright.

Sometimes, it would remind me that every new ray of sunlight would never be enough to warm my bones. My thirst could never be quenched by fresh drops of dew.

A gust of dust swirling into my lungs would never fill my empty stomach, and a rainbow after the storm could never truly give me hope.

I eventually became so numb that not even an ant bite could elicit a sensation. I'm not blind to what's going on; I simply keep quiet, bearing the misery until I'm breathless from carrying it all alone.

And now I see people seeming concerned as if they truly care, yet they are the ones who are giving me distress in the first place? Psh.

Isn't the care ironically, a blatant, lie?

"I really am sorry... It was purely coincidental. I felt relieved when you let me drive you home that day, but I've been worried ever since." He paused, searching my face. "Are you feeling better now? Are you okay?"

Oh, tapos ngayon maririnig kong humihingi ng tawad at tatanungin akong maayos lang ba ako? HAHAHAHA, Rolds patawa kaba?

Bakit mo naman kasi ginawang kumplikado ang mga tao? O ako lang talaga ang suwail mong anak na nagrereklamo sa'yo?

Pasensya Rolds, lakas ko ring humawak ng sama ng loob.

"Tsh. Don't make it sound even more ridiculous, Cargael Cross." 

"Muka ba akong nagpapatawa, Rubianna?"

Inismiran ko siya, tsk. "Nakakatawa yung kaplastikan mo, Oo." bulong ko.

"May sinasabi ka?"

"Wala, ang sabi ko at least I am being true... Are you?" seryoso kong saad ng nilingon ko siya. Hmm, at least there's those eyes who can't keep a lie.

"What do you mean?" he almost stutter. 

Psh.

"Never mind, Cross." I drop the mood, I was just trying to catch something and I didn't fail. I caught that reaction even though he eventually hid it.

"Sinong may sabi sayong tawagin ako niyan?"

"What, Cross?" I questioned. Right, Aoike said only those certain people calls him in his second name. "Sino rin may sabi sa inyong tawagin ako sa pangalang, Ruby?"

"Ang haba kasi ng Rubianna."

"Ayaw ko rin sa Cargael, too weird to pronounce." sabi ko tsaka inubos ang huling lata ng kape. Hindi narin siya umimik pa kaya in-enjoy ko nalang ang view sa harapan namin.

The sun's glow was fading, darkness slowly embraced everything around us. Tapos, umilaw nalang ng kusa ang mga light bulbs sa haba ng lawn area kaya mas lalo akong natuwa.

There was a magic in illuminated lights that always held a place in my heart, and it felt like ages since I'd seen anything so captivating.

I took a deep breath, finally loosening the tight grip of my nails against my palms, grazing the unhealed scars. Or maybe they never truly healed?

These marks had become my way of grounding myself, a way to manage my sanity. I left faint crescents on my hands that I'd grown to appreciate because they reminded me of the moon.  
            
"Where are you going?" he asked when I leap down from the unfinished stone wall where we seated. 

"Uuwi? Gabi na..."

"What? It's still six in the evening...bakit may curfew kaba?"

Psh, wala akong curfew... If 3:00 am is witches hour then 6:00 pm is grim reapers hour. I could die anytime from now, kaya dapat na akong maka uwi. "I'm tired," I reasoned out.

"Wait for me, let me drive you home."

"Okay—"

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Thanks for reading guys! Let me know about your thoughts on this story, feel free to leave a comment. Good day, everyone!

@myinkspeaks