Watch your thoughts, they become your words: 06  Paranoid

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A rustling noise cried into my ears, waking me up. I got to my feet, cursing at the back of my head. My breaths were muffled as I searched my eyes for the time. And realizing that it was just three o'clock in the morning, I almost dragged myself out of bed.

What in the world is going on in the middle of witch's hour?

Saglit ko pang inalala kung papaano ako nakatulog ng mahimbing, eh kung kanina lang ay halos patayin ako ng mga sarili kong iniisip.

As I ignored the creaking noises, a sharp chill ran down my spine, stirring unease. My mind spun with wild thoughts—a sinister presence lurking, ready to tear me apart and drain every drop from my organs. The image of the old man, his sad, hate-filled eyes, flashed in my mind—a haunting reminder of the assassination I'd committed.

As I fought to make sense of my thoughts, a lightning-like pain shot up my spine, stabbing through my ribs and flooding my mind with agony.

My lungs tightened as I strained for air. This is bullshit. My chest was hammering furiously and it was deafening. Every beat and bounce of my heart seems to convey a strange horror to my entire body.

The sensation echoed through me, like the remnants of a near-death encounter in Citadel, where I had hovered on the brink of death, swallowed by a crimson sea. My hands trembled as I gasped for air, struggling to steady myself before sliding under the bed to search for a weapon.

I never thought I'd find myself here, reaching for the familiar weight of the karambit tucked beneath my bed. It's been a while since I've touched it, but its presence has always offered a strange comfort.

Perhaps it will be sufficient to keep me safe when I leave this room. I grabbed it gently and crept to the floor, cautiously opening the door so as not to make any noise.

I groaned softly as I moved through the narrow aisle, each step carefully placed to avoid disturbing the silence. But my mind felt disconnected from my body, making it hard to move precisely.

Pakiramdam ko kase ay lumulutang lang ang isip ko sa ere habang ang katawan ko ay nanatili paring maingat at alerto.

I then came to a halt at the corner and peered into the kitchen while leaning against a wall. However, there was nothing inside except for the open window on the left side of the kitchen.

Who could have entered from there? Eh, nasa ikalawang palapag naman ako ng bahay? I'm not sure if I left that open before going to bed, but I'm pretty sure I haven't opened one of them since I got here yesterday.

I was buried in thought while I checked the remaining panes for evidence of forced entrance, but there was none. I quickly dashed to the opposite side and examined the only door in this house, which was also locked.

Gusto ko sanang huminga ng maluwag dahil wala namang senyales na may nakapasok kaso meron na namang kumalampag sa kusina.

Naknampucha na talaga Rolds!

Ano ba, huhu.

My heart began to beat erratically, and I felt as if I had forgotten how to breathe for the moment. If this were a person, ililibing ko siya ng buhay! Agad kong tinalon ang kabilang dulo ng silid upang makapagtago.

I'm no longer conscious of what's going on inside of me since I've been fighting the overwhelming anxiety. I'd closed my eyes and hid behind the counter's pillar for a few minutes, trying to get an awareness of my surroundings.

Rolds... sana kung sino man 'to ay hindi sana ako patayin!

"Abbi pietà di me!" I yelled for mercy at the top of my lungs. Ready to take charge.

I honestly had no idea where I got the courage to jump off the countertop and slip while the knife I was holding was still hanging in the air.

My body seemed to have made a purposeful choice to behave in this manner, poised and ready to strike at whatever monster dared to enter the kitchen.

Yet, as the realization set in, a wave of terror washed over me at the thought of actually stabbing the creature to death.

The adrenaline faded, leaving my limbs heavy and numb. My legs gave out, collapsing under the weight of fear. I hit the floor, trembling from the shock.

I instinctively drew my knees to my chest, arching my back to bury my face. Tears spilled from my eyes uncontrollably, betraying the turmoil I had inside.

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Tangina naman, Rolds.
Nakakainis ka.

When was the last
time I hesitate to kill?

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I'm sure I was screaming at the top of my lungs when I was instructed to hold a knife for stabbing a rat back then.

I let out a tiny squeak as I ran out of breath, trying desperately not to make a sound. A tense silence followed, the pounding in my ears deafening as I strained to hear any noise besides my ragged breathing.

I froze as the towering beast rose from the countertop. It stalked toward me, its wet nose sniffing the air—then stopped. To my surprise, the hulking creature bowed its horned head, opened its massive, fang-lined mouth, and let out the tiniest, most delicate squeak.

"Meow~~"

The beast blinked at me almost shyly, and I saw its cold blue eyes were not cruel, but soft and gentle. It pawed the ground, and I realized it was waiting for me to respond.

"Shit," I gasped some air and slowly knelt to the floor as my lips began to shake.

Choked cries stuck in my throat as I fought to scream, but no air came. "Stay back, beast!" I gasped.

My strength was slipping fast, and my body shook violently on the edge of unconsciousness. Desperate, I yanked a handful of my own hair, the sharp pain pulling me back from the brink.

I finally took a deep breath, and a raw, primal scream erupted from my lips, twisting my face in anguish. I pressed my knuckles against my mouth to muffle the cries, but they only intensified into a deafening roar of pure torment.

The sound burst forth with volcanic force from deep within me, laying bare all my fear, despair, and devastation. It felt as if my soul was shattering as I howled, weeks of suppressed emotion exploding unrestrained.

The room shook with the force of my scream. I poured out all the pain I'd held inside, every muscle straining as I yelled until my lungs burned and my body trembled. Gasping for breath, I collapsed, drained. The echoes faded, leaving only a heavy, empty silence.

"Meow???" ungol na naman ng pusa.

Ng isang pusa! A goddamn, CAT!

"Meoww??"

"Agghhhh! Dammit!" sigaw ko ulit.

Madness consumes me as I swing the knife wildly, nausea churning in my stomach. My mind is flooded with unstoppable, haunting visions, and an obsessive fear of sudden death. But at this rate, it seems I'll only end up dying just because of an animal?

How weak of me? Me, the feared one? Me as in one of the legends in underground world? Bloody hell, no!

"Meoww~~"

"Shut the fuck up, you monster!!!"

         
       
   
 
That fucking morning was filled with unbearable misery. I sat in class, feeling completely detached from reality. Despite appearing composed on the outside, inside, I was consumed by turmoil.

Past events unfolded in a meaningless blur before my distant gaze, like indistinct shapes moving through a fog.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't focus. Sounds became distorted and incomprehensible. A storm of emotions raged inside me, while on the outside, I sat empty and motionless.

Time stretched on, losing all sense of meaning. I had never felt so disoriented and disconnected, as if my senses were betraying me. All I wanted was to escape the tormenting feeling of being detached and fragmented.

I hoped that the disorienting nightmare of that morning would be a one-time occurrence, never to be repeated. Because during those lost hours, it felt like a part of me was missing, as if my spirit had been banished and I was futilely searching for it in the depths of hell.

"Miss Sinclair!"

Ruby!

"Ahh, Shit. Shit. Shit." I suppressed my breath as I snapped out of my deep internal world of thought.

Trying to resurface back to the present moment but when I regained awareness of my surroundings, the feeling of eyes upon me pulled my attention further outwards. Blinking, I realized Cross was beside me, gazing intently into my eyes.

Nalito ako at napatingin sa ibaba at nagulat na nakita ko ang aking mga kamay na mahigpit na nakahawak sa kanya, ang aking mga kuko'y nakabaon pa sa likod ng kanyang mga kamay.

Hindi ko naalalang hinawakan siya sa gitna ng aking pag-iisip. Pareho kaming nabulagta sa kakaibang eksena na ito habang unti-unting nagkakaintindihan.

Sa hindi ko namamalayang paraan, naghahanap na pala ako ng tulong upang ako'y maibalik sa'king ulirat, at ngayon ay naka kapit ako ng mahigpit sa mga kamay ni Cross.

I looked at him; his calm, patient eyes were fixed on me, unfazed by the marks my nails left on his skin. It's like he's always waiting for me to come back to my senses. I can't believe him—it just impossible for someone to contain my presence.

I let out a shaky breath, slowly relaxing my shoulders and hands as I regained control. His steady grip grounded me, and out of nowhere I gave him a small, apologetic smile. I could've twisted and crushed his hands, couldn't I?

Halos manginig pa ang kamay ko sa kanya bago ko iyon binitawan at naupo ng maayos dahil tinatawag na naman ang pangalan ko.

You're losing it, Ruby!

"Sinclair?!"

"Pardon me, sir," I stammer as I attempt to stand on my wobbly legs.

"What's with you, I've been calling you for a while and you're still not responding? Are you still with us?"

"Yes, sir."

"Hija, matanong kita, bakit ikaw lang ang walang output dito?" he frowned, raising his left eyebrow a bunch of papers in his hands.

"Eh? Bakit siya ang guro ngayon? Isn't his class still in the afternoon?" I mumbled.

"Miss Sinclair?"

I cleared my throat. "You haven't said that I should jot down my output, sir." I almost forgot about the seatwork actually.

Napapikit nalang ako sa sobrang katangahan at napakagat ng labi. Bakit biglang natahimik ang lahat? Did I say something wrong?

When I looked back sir Pedran's face was almost ruined for some reason. "Is that why you were unable to pass your written output?"

I let out a sigh before answering. "It wasn't clear to me that the output was supposed to be written, sir. But I did make my output before someone erased the format on the board, sir."

"Then, where is it?"

"In my head..." I replied truthfully, leaving the old man staring at me puzzled for words.

"Are you making fun of me, Sinclair?" he muttered after a few seconds.

Ugh, nasa utak ko naman talaga! Now I am now confused.

"If I'm making fun of you, I'll crack my head open and pass my brain for you to believe that I had my output inside, but apparently, I can't do that, so I wasn't joking... Sir." sagot ko ulit at ngayon natawa ang lahat.

"Leave my class, now."

I gasped at what he said. Did I say something wrong?

Damn, this old man can't differentiate a logical humor in a ridiculous one. I ended up not saying anything and picked up my bag and left his class.

I let out a frustrated groan, pausing in my steps outside the classroom. This situation was getting even more absurd. I only answered his questions because he was so clueless that he couldn't comprehend what I was saying, and now he's letting me go?! It just didn't make any sense.

The, heck with that?

"What are you doing?" My eyebrows furrowed completely upon hearing his voice. I quickly turned around, seeing Cross with a perplexed expression on his face.

"What happened?!" another voice yelled. It was Chad, who had just emerged from the door and immediately grabbed Cross' hand. I turned to look at Chad, curious about what he was referring to.

Oh, right, his right hand was injured because of me, and blood was already dripping from it. I stared at the wound, feeling a mix of guilt and concern. Which I shouldn't feel.

Just then, Aoike emerged from the door and paused as she spotted the three of us. "It seems like I missed quite a bit," she commented, observing the scene.

"Do you know what happened to him?" Chad asked Aoike, nodding at Cross's bleeding hand. She just shrugged, looking confused.

I wondered why they were all standing outside and why this guy was staring at me so intensely. His gaze felt like it was cutting straight through me, like he could see my deepest secrets. Tired of the strange connection, I broke eye contact and turned to Aoike and Chad.

"Having a deep conversation through that stare?" Chad teased, glancing at his friend.

"Hey!" sigaw nito sa kaibigan ngunit hindi parin ito natinag sa kakatitig sa akin. "You're turning pale from gawking at her like that." kumento ni Chad.

I scoffed quietly; he seemed mesmerized. It was rare for anyone to hold my gaze without flinching. "You might just collapse standing there," I said, shaking my head. Only then did he snap out of it, finally noticing his own bleeding hands. What a fool.

"Why am I still here?" he blurted before taking off, leaving the three of us puzzled. We exchanged confused glances before Chad went after him.

"Ayos kalang?" bigla ay tanong ni Aoike sa akin. "By the way, that was cool! Hindi ka nagpasa ng papel dahil nasa utak mo lang? Cool." animo'y namamangha pa nitong sabi.

Uminit ang ulo ko at naglakad palayo ngunit sinundan niya ako. Ano ang cool doon? Pinalabas nga ako sa klase, cool pa rin ba iyon?

"No one ever had the guts to talk back to that instructor! Clarito Pedran is known for being super strict. It's a good thing you were just kicked out and not punished," she said. I wondered how she knew so much, being a transfer student herself. "Make sure to write down your output and submit it to his office later," she added.

"What do you mean, students like me?" I questioned.

"Uhm, don't take this the wrong way, but you... you have the audacity to talk back and seem to lack manners," she whispered, avoiding eye contact.
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Meeee???

No, mannersss???

I do have—!

Shut up!

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"Why should I make it up for it?" I asked almost to myself.

"Cause, you're a student. You work for the teacher." sagot naman ni Aoike.

"Absurd. I totally disagree. Why should a student conform to a teacher's expectations? Learning should be about personal growth, not fitting into someone else's mold,"

Adofo once said. I paused, rethinking. Rigid minds aren't helpful. Maybe, instead of criticizing strict methods, I should feel for someone who can't allow free growth.

Still, the unfairness hurt. Did that slow old man really think I was dumb just because I didn't do his seatwork? Tsskk. Nasa utak ko naman kasi, bakit kailangan ko pang isulat?

"You really had your output, right?"

"What kind of question is that?" lalo ata akong nainis sa tanong niyang iyon.

"Hehe! You can go straight to his office, then."

Dammit.

"What is it for me?" tanong ko.

"Uhm, decent grades?"

Just decent? God, I could kill better. I can even dissect that old man's deteriorating brain and have billions of dollars in my back accounts. He didn't even mention that the seatwork should be a written output! So, I'm not the one who's dumb here.

After that, my mind became a battleground, even as I walked with Aoike to some place I didn't care about—or even remember why we were going.

I can't make sense of what's been disturbing me today. There's something from this morning I can't shake off, something that's left me on edge. It feels like my soul is hyper-aware, constantly watching everything around me, as if letting my guard down would put my life at risk.

Parang baliw na nga ako dito, sobrang praning at wala sa sarili. Nakikita ko ang bawat detalye ng mga taong dinaanan namin, pati na ang mga maliliit nilang kilos. Pero hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit parang nabibingi ako sa mga sinasabi ng babaeng katabi ko na patuloy na nagsasalita. 

And because I wasn't paying attention to her, I didn't see that Aoike and I had stopped walking.

Now, my anxiety grows as more and more eyes are fixed on me. I feel the urge to scream, but suddenly, my senses shut down as the overpowering scent of blood fills the air once again, emanating from the hand of the man standing in front of me.

"What is she doing here?" he scowled.

Staring at his hands makes me swallow the large lump in my throat. The sickeningly dry, sweet metallic scent of blood takes on a vile pungent and smothers my senses.

My body began to shake as if a jiggly cheesecake had been smashed on a plate full of lasciviousness that taste like a caramelized iron.

I'm starting to go insane.

I was silently whimpering about the impulses I was attempting to get rid of a while ago, but when I tried to stop it by biting my bottom lip, it resisted even more, and the pleasure that was building up got worse.

Dammit. I need to get my ass away from here.

"Uh, I need to make up for my written output. Bye." I stutter, not knowing how to act normally.

I quickly turned around, almost stumbling over my own feet, but managed to escape without falling. However, running away didn't provide much relief. I let out a startled cry as the scent of blood lingered in my nostrils.

I quickly covered my nose and looked for a nearby restroom, but I was suddenly stopped by someone slamming into me on the way.

As I was about to fall, an arm suddenly wrapped around my waist, pressing my chest against his body, which further confused my senses. In a state of panic, I instinctively pushed the person in front of me, realizing too late that I had no idea who that man was.

"Sir. Pedran?" I murmured. Confusion washed over me.

"In my office, Sinclair..."

Huh?

To be continued...