Reviewed by: CroodsGirl

Book Title: The Hole of Sickness

Author's Name: Moncef707

Title: 4/5

Cover: 5/5

Blurb: 3/5

Plot: 3/10

Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/20

Writing Craft: 12/20

Characters: 15/20

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10

Total: 61/100

Review:

Hello! First, I apologize for the long delay with this review. I am happy to finally share it and thankful for your patience.

The Hole of Sickness is definitely an interesting story; your main character is strong, and you touch on emotions well. However, the plot is not entirely clear to me, and I believe it is because you mention the "boy" a lot. I am not sure if you are referring to Kosie or maybe a creature/shadow who lives inside him or he believes he sees. In addition, is he a ghost? If he is, I would make that more apparent.

Secondly, while I understand Kosie's fundamental goal, I am curious to understand better what the doors are in—I guess a mental asylum?—and the importance of them in reuniting with his family, especially his brother. My best guess right now is that they lead to the paranormal world, such as ghosts and demons, or maybe it is merely a regular mental asylum. It is not clear, and you need to find a better way to uncover this unique, scattered plot and world.

You tend to tell a lot over show, which is affecting my understanding of this world. Is this alternate history you're writing is the main question I have, and if ITEFE was a real place in the 19th Century?

Regarding the "show, don't tell" rule, you don't need to keep switching tenses (present to past) to "tell" us what this world/city is like; stay in one tense and show us (I think present tense works best here). Don't tell us that Behemoth Street is one of the worst territories—show us. The setting is an enormous aspect in a story like this; you accomplish this by considering the five senses: sight, taste, smell, touch, and what is heard around the city. With more emphasis on "show, over tell", I believe the story's premise will reveal itself better.

The flashbacks are scattered, too. They obviously are essential to the plot, but I believe you could add one at the beginning and end of the chapter, not have them scattered in the middle, affecting the story's flow and understanding. I would also consider showing a day in the factory for Kosie as your first chapter. I know I am curious to do what they do to make him act the way he does. It would be a great introduction to him instead of just telling his dreaded past. That is up to you, but it is definitely something I would consider: a day in the factory as the first chapter.

Your grammar is better than what I have seen in other books; however, this is the main tip I have for you. Thoughts are internal, not external; therefore, they tend to be italicized—unless the character thinks aloud; but for a sentence like, "Well, here I am," I think, it needs to be Well, here I am, I think. This is the main issue I saw, aside from occasional run-on sentences.

Don't get me wrong—this story idea is unique, and I love your main character. It just needs to be executed better. If I am unclear about the plot, I am sure a few others will be, too.

Keep writing and improving this story, and I hope to see a revised edition soon!

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