chapter : 26
does it matter

so i wasn't actually going to post today, but oof, i didn't feel nice, so here i am. :)

i understand the misunderstanding trope is too frustrating but in this part i really feel they both need to focus on communication, so they are gonna learn the hard way ;)

nonetheless, just to give you guys a teeny tiny spoiler, i have written a scene for them of which i am so proud, i can't wait for you all to get to that chapter (it's hot and playful)

love

happy reading

━━━━━━━❅━━━━━━━
k a b i r
━━━━━━━❅━━━━━━━

I want to commit a murder.

It's crystal clear that I have lost my mind, my patience is withering and my mood is so foul. There's a want to beat somebody up, to vent out all my anger in that punching bag of a person.

I could go back to my gym and work my irritation out but that would mean giving Noor an easy way to successfully ignore me.

It's been two long fucking days. I have tried everything. Monday morning I had woken up with a motivation to drive Noor to the office and talk about my feelings with her.

To my very surprise, the person who feels lazy and sleepy in the morning so much as to want to skip work had left for the office, before me. She skipped her breakfast and left even before I got up.

That was still okay. The long weekend must have created some work for her to attend to but no. That wasn't the case. I came into the office only to find her desk empty. I called her multiple times and she only replied after ten missed calls from me.

To my absolute luck, the day had just started. The entire day she was out of my sight. At lunch, she left to get some files from the other client and came back only after I left the office for a meeting outside.

I still didn't lose hope. I went back home with a positive attitude, how much could she ignore me at our own house? She did. I had reached home around nine and she was fast asleep by then.

Today morning was the same. It's as if she practised drawing this cycle so carefully that there wasn't even a single hitch or opening for me to evade.

It's Tuesday, lunch time and my assistant has vanished yet again. She works diligently, asking her friends to take files back and forth from me. She isn't compromising on that.

It's hurting me. It angers me. I have so many doubts in my heart and mind. I want to voice them out but I don't want to burden Jay anymore. He has done enough for me, I can't keep bombarding my marital life problems on him.

I want to discuss and sort this out but how should I do that when the other party is hell bent on ignoring me? She sees me and turns around. She doesn't even utter a single word. Her cold treatment is testing my patience.

I don't want to be angry or irritated but I can't help it. For the first time in my life, I decided to let go of my fears and my insecurities. I finally decided to free myself from this self-bondage but her response is putting me in confusion.

Did I misunderstand everything?

I don't know if she likes me but I thought she did consider me as her friend, someone she felt comfortable around. Now, I feel maybe I pushed her too much.

There's a high chance that I have hurt her by pushing her boundaries. The kitchen episode could have been too much for her. Fuck. Did I hurt her that night?

There's only one person who can help me with this, and it's her, it's only Noor who can tell me what exactly made her stir away from me.

Since that night I have been trying to coax her, to pour my feelings. I had gone to her room on Sunday night, intending to have dessert together and propose if she would like to shift in my room.

She acted cold and unfazed. She didn't even want to exchange two words with me. That was an answer in itself.

Fuck.

Was I rough with her? Did I push it too much?

I will try one last time. I want to ask her this, want to apologise if I have caused her any trouble. I can't overlook this fact.

I let out a hasty breath, dialling the office landline that connects to Noor's desk. It rings and rings until it stops. She isn't there.

I try calling with my personal cell but she doesn't pick that up, too.

I get up from my desk and exit my cabin, walking out to see if my wife is deliberately ignoring my call. The office is silent. Most of the employees enjoy grabbing bites from the food chains outside or eating their home-cooked meals at the pantry.

My wife has always been the only one to munch her lunch right here on her table. She's vanished. Her table's clean. It's fucking clean.

I have always berated her owing to her messy habits but today this spick and span white table, which actually seems white is irking me.

She is doing all the right things and yet I still feel angry. I still feel discontented. It's hurting me and I am not sure where should I point my ache.

It's everywhere. The first time I let loose, I am falling hard. Miserably stumbling.

Aren't we all supposed to rise in love? The phrase falling in love is just how literature expresses it but I remember, clearly, my grandfather telling me that there's no such thing as falling in love. It's a derogatory term associated with something so meaningful.

You always rise in love. You get better in love. You learn and grow up in love.

But now, I feel I am falling. I am failing.

I have known Noor for four years now, we have shared everything and anything. Her habits irked me but knowing the reason behind them, it melted me.

A bird who's been freed after being caged for so long does flap her wings multiple times just to enjoy and relish that feeling. The feeling of freedom. On the work front, Noor never disappointed.

Throughout our marriage, I realised that it was never anger in me for her. It was just something that I looked forward to. Bickering and fighting and engaging in banter with her were the highlights of my days.

I have been born with a silver spoon. Everyone treated me with care and respect, but she? She had the temerity to push snarky remarks at me, she made me feel normal. She made me feel that I could live a life that didn't have to be so scheduled and marked.

That's how I know, she is and was special.

Her empty desk looks cleaned roughly, and those files and papers are organised so perfectly. It just acts like a word of saying, she is tired of our equation. She gave up. She used to fight for her rights and suddenly her silence depicts her stance loud and clear.

As much as it guts me, it vexes me, it also makes me feel defeated.

Maybe we could have talked and discussed. But...

━━❅━━

I am folding my shirts and trousers carefully, tucking them inside my suitcase. It's already six in the evening, and I am supposed to leave in the next ten minutes to be able to catch my flight.

There's a major conference in Delhi, one that I cannot miss. It will guarantee a very useful push to our business. I keep my shaving kit, and all the other essentials before zipping the bag up.

Heading to the washroom, I freshen up. Straighten my crisp navy shirt in my black trouser pants. Combing my hair neatly, I exit the bathroom.

Wheeling my bag outside of my room, and heading towards the gate.

"You are going somewhere?" First words in the last two days. I close my eyes, all my feelings bubbling back and invading me.

I tried hard. I had decided to act neutral but she can't keep doing this. Bulldozing in my life as and whenever she wants. I wanted to respect her decision but she keeps making it harder with every chance.

I let out a huge gulp of air, and turn around to face her. She is settled on the sofa set, her laptop sprawled over her lap. A tumbler of coffee lying on the tray next to her.

"Delhi. Conference." My voice is clipped.

Her eyebrows furrow, "I didn't book your tickets."

"You would have if you weren't busy playing your 'ignoring Kabir' game." My tone gets harsher. I need to control myself.

I really don't want to fight with her. I am tired and exasperated. I am exhausted. I really am.

"Kabir—"

She looks so beautiful. Her eyes are shining, her face radiating. How can someone look so breathtaking even without putting in any effort?

I hear a crack. One that comes from within.

"I am getting late. Bye." I try ending and turn back.

"I—I don't know what to say. I assumed you wanted that—"

Her beliefs and notions get on my nerves. I roughly spin to face her again. She looks conflicted.

"What do you mean by you assumed?"

My anger is exploding, tasting bitter on my tongue.

"That night—" She starts and everything clicks. The puzzle is formed and made and it destroys me in the process of its completion.

So that night indeed troubled her. I could have never guessed. Fuck. I thought I had her consent, I believed that she was with me. She was in the moment, the searing touches, the explosive chemistry.

Did I assume it wrong?

Was I too hapless, too blinded in my feelings and emotions and love and lust that I charred the memory for her?

She could have hinted, she could have just said something. Anything. I would have stopped, I know, I would have stopped.

"Noor, if—" There's heaviness in my throat, one that constricts it painfully. I gulp it down. I need to talk to her.

"Noor, if I hurt you that night, you could have spoken to me. I didn't mean to. I genuinely didn't want to hurt you. I can't ever hurt you intentionally. You have been ignoring me, dodging me like I am an assaulter, I don't blame you for feeling traumatised but I thought we were in it together. You could have shouted and screamed at me, made me aware if I was acting too blind. I don't think I deserve this treatment of yours. It hurts me. It's breaking me. I don't think I can do that anymore."

"I—No. That's not what it was. You are getting it wrong. Please hear me out. Fuck. No. That's not it. You haven't done any of that. I—Please let's talk."

"I think I should leave."

"Kabir...I am so sorry. I—" I have never seen her scrambling for words. Her words deny my theories but there's too much distance between us. There's something that caused it. If not this, there's something that's bothering her. Troubling us.

"I have my flight, Noor."

"I didn't know...you didn't te—"

"I didn't tell you? I called you thousands of times, Noor. I have begged you to talk to me. I have knocked at your door multiple times only to hear that you are sleepy. You didn't even meet my eyes while talking, what was I supposed to do? I have gone on my knees for you, I don't think there's any more I could have done to be clear of my thoughts and feelings."

"Feelings?" The shocked timbre of her tone has me chuckling humourlessly. Fuck. She doesn't even realise it. She doesn't even think that I could feel something for her.

The way she spoke, it appears the very idea of me harbouring feelings for her, repulses her.

I am done. I need to get out. I really need to breathe in air that's not corrupted by her scent. She has me in a chokehold and she is oblivious to the very fact. Her being in the same room makes me feel delirious and here she is, so nonchalant.

"I am leaving, Noor."

This time I turn back with finality. I am heading out. Straight to the airport. I need air. I need space, I need a place that's not tinted with her memory. I have to escape far away.

Because with every second that I fall in love with her, she is taking a step back.

"When will you be back?" It's a whisper. A plea. Something I am tempted to ignore but the selfish inner me cannot elude her. It cannot let me free. I am bound to her whether I like it or not. She has me captivated and hypnotised and I am foolish. I am desperate to take anything.

"Does it really matter?"

━━━━━━━❅━━━━━━━

angst and angst and so much angst.
don't you worry, things are gonna get better soon!

i feel communication plays a very important role, and our noor is gonna learn it, soon ;)

thank you for reading.

royally yours,
meethi.