chapter : 19
start afresh

Hey! some tmi (please feel free to continue with the chapter)

so, the last chapter had some overwhelming comments, and as much as it warms my heart to read those, it also keeps the light of writing alive in me. i have loved writing since i was 13, used to write on tellyupdates (if you know), i switched to wattpad when i was 15, created fanfictions (met some loveliest people, who still bring a smile on my face) and then took a plunge—changed accounts, focussed on general fictions when i was 18 (yes i am old, lol)

Most of you already know this, but the purpose behind me telling this story lol is because when you love something so dearly, it also instils many insecurities and confusions in your head. there's a fire to do better, to want to do better and the motivation for this genuinely comes from the people who appreciate your work. comments might just be some words but they push a write to a zone where they feel confident and loved. so thank you!

thank you for your words of appreciation and also the fact that despite having many better indian fictions out there, you decided to give my book a chance too.

thank you :)

━━━━━━━❅━━━━━━━
k a b i r
━━━━━━━❅━━━━━━━

I might have done something very bad.

"I don't even know what should I tell you. What else did you expect?" Jay reprimands me.

After Noor had told me about her shifting out, and that she had even considered that moving in with her boyfriend was a better option, that really shook my mental peace.

I had called Jay as soon as she was out of my cabin. I needed many advices, yes plural.

Currently, my best friend stretches out on the couch that has been placed strategically in my office. The brown leather shines when the sunlight from the window falls on it. I haven't ever used it as such but I am glad someone does.

"She is outside, stop screaming."

"Your cabin is soundproof. And it's your wife we are talking about, aren't we?"

The numbers on my laptop scream and blur out. I am seated on my chair, trying to focus on the screen but to no avail. He is right, what the hell was I even thinking?

"You spent your wedding night cramped up in a room, irritating me with how much you had loosened the grip and if that wasn't good enough, you have locked me here as well."

On our wedding day, I had fled and once my work was over and I had some time alone, I had introspected deeply. Called Jay, and kept ranting about my mixed feelings and confusions.

"I don't know anything anymore. This was the worst fucking idea. Why did you even let me do it?" I clutch the laptop screen, shoving it close with a loud thud. Glaring, I point my finger at him.

"Oh so now it's my fault?"

"Yes. Why am I like this."

I have shown her two sides of me, That night, I had stepped over the line, one that was sketched by me, and the very next day, on our wedding day, I acted so strange that it must have shaken her. 

Now, I have pushed her so far that she isn't even hesitating to find solace in her lover's arms.

Arms that I would love to break.

I escaped that day because it felt like the right thing to do. It made me believe that by maintaining my distance she'd understand that I had committed a mistake. It would act as a hint, one that would prevent her from joining any dots and thinking that I harbour any feelings for her.

But it backfired and how? Three days later I am the one troubled and stuck in this warren.

"But you do feel something for her." Jay is yawning with his eyes closed and head resting snuggly against the pillow. His eyes don't even twitch when he replies to a question I hadn't even announced.

"How—"

"Your thoughts are loud. Very disturbing. Kabir, I think you should stop acting childish. Take hold of yourself. Understand what you feel for her and act that way. Or else you'll either end up hurting her or yourself."

"I. Do. Not. Have. Feelings. For. Her."

"But you do. You might not be irrevocably in love with her but you have always had a soft corner for her. You have always been biased toward her. You might have not thought about her romantically but there always has been a thread tying you both. I am not sure about her, but you my friend, have always admired her."

"You know this is bull shit. Things like this won't brainwash me. Have you seen us talking? We literally fight our asses off."

"That is exactly why I feel you like her. I have never seen you being this way with any other woman. You have always kept a distance and maintained that. But with her, you leap over it. Always."

"It's because I trust her. Just that."

"So you aren't angry that she has a boyfriend? Weren't you jealous? Didn't your blood boil over seeing her with someone else...didn't you want to go and claim her? Will it be easy for you to let her live with her boyfriend?"

"That's against our pact."

I put up a fight like a small child fighting for his favourite candy. I sound desperate and screechy.

"That's not the thing that's actually bothering you. I don't think you give a damn about that clause anymore. You are agitated because you can't let her go. You are annoyed because she is choosing someone else over you."

"She is my wife."

"Weren't you hell-bent on emphasising that she is only your temporary wife?"

"I don't want to agree. It's petrifying the shit out of me." I honestly add in. I can't. I shouldn't.

I hate that he is making sense. I detest that he is right but I can't accept it. I have to keep my mask on, my stance has to be firm.

I stand up instead, my roller chair squeaking as it trollies back. I take a deep breath, turn around and walk towards the glass panel.

It's a little heated due to the blazing sun rays. The amber shines over everything. I stare at the ocean, the blue keeps glowing. There's white and yellow and blue, too many colours, so many things going on, all at once.

Waves are crashing, and people clattering near the shore. I can't hear them but I can feel the overwhelming motions. Birds are fleeting, flying farther above the ocean, mocking me.

Teasing me. As if they know I can't run away any more, unlike them, I don't have the power to escape the chaos. I need to stand here and embrace it. That's the only thing I can do.

"Kabir, you need to have a grip. I get that you don't want to get tangled in the mesh of love but you need to respect her, give her your honesty."

"You suggest I go and confront her about her relationship and apologise for my behaviour?"

"That's exactly what you want to do. So do it."

I accept my defeat, but I have to ask her. I have to let her see that I care. I have promised her happiness and I can't be the one ruining it.

━━❅━━

It's seven in the evening, the sun has already set but there's no moon in sight. My brain's not been in the right space after today's conversation with Noor and Jay.

Her consideration to shift out to her boyfriend's place has started a slow burn deep somewhere in my heart. It's still beating but there's a throbbing ache. Throughout the day, she didn't try talking to me. Worked and left. No conversations were entertained at all.

How can she think of doing this? We are fucking married.

Fake marriage.

Fuck that.

I have been staring at the ticking clock, not sure if I should call it glaring instead. The vision keeps clouding now and then. It's time. She should have shifted here by now.

Deciding that it's been enough. I stand up adamantly, deciding that I need to bring her to the home where she should rightfully reside.

I had changed into my night outfit, fitted tee and sweatpants. It's unsettling to accept but I am scared of her rejection. I will force her to shift, I will get her to move in with me. Only me.

The strong aspirations bubble within me, I walk out and knock at her door. There's a pause, no sound from her side. A strike of fear hits me. Has she already shifted?

But then there's a resonating bang and a loud 'ouch' from her end and I stifle a smile. She is there. She hasn't shifted, yet. The thought, the reality brings my stirring heart to a moment of peace.

"What?" She opens the door. Her eyes narrowing at my audacity.

"I'll help you."

"For?"

"You are moving in with me."

"I remember telling you no very clearly." She attempts to shut the door on my face but I manage to put my foot in between, stopping it from closing.

"I remember telling you that you will indeed shift with me."

"Last I checked, I don't take orders from you."

"Last I checked, yes you do." She stomps her feet at my retort. Her arms cross and her stance stiffens.

"I am not your assistant at this hour."

"But you are my wife, Noor." My words bring her to a halt. Her forehead furrows at my upfront sentence. There's a slight, very small, red hue spot covering her naturally rosy cheeks. Her teeth peep out, nibbling on her plump lower lip. Turning it crimson with its assault.

"You annoy me." She isn't going down without a fight.

"You do too. But, you don't see me complaining."

"You complain every second of the day."

"Noor."

"Kabir."

"Will it be so bad to shift with your husband? Do you really want to shift with your boyfriend despite being married?"

"You are playing the moral card again now?"

"Anything to make you want to shift with me."

"You really don't mince your words."

"Never with you, wifey."

"Ugh. Call the movers then, pull back your sleeves. You are going to be my slave for the night."

"At your service."

I quickly fish my phone out, dialling the number I had already saved in my contacts.

.

.

The packers took a whole of thirty minutes to arrive and the work began.

"I still don't want to go to your home."

Noor's throwing her clothes in the cardboard boxes that the movers and packers had brought in. They are busy packing everything else. Noor decided she could pack her room on her own, hence her terrorising efforts at packing.

I had offered my help but when she saw me folding things neatly, it pissed her off. She shoved me on the bed and asked me to sit there quietly.

So here I am on her bed enjoying her struggling with clothes.

"It's going to be our home." I correct her almost instantly.

"Don't call it that. It sounds so domesticated. I don't like it."

"Well, that's true." I control my urge to taunt her if she would feel fucking domesticated with her boyfriend.

I have decided on a few things, something I will have to start implementing soon. I don't want this new start to be on the wrong terms.

I want to scrub the slate and wipe off our past mistakes. Turn over to a white page, ignoring all the black and red marks behind it.

I am seated on the edge, my feet resting on the marbled flooring that resembles my house's. My shoes tapping following a rhythm.

She is rampaging through the hangers, clicking and clunking sounds irritate me but I keep my silence. Nothing to make her erupt.

She is shoving some hangers in the new boxes and making her way by hopping and leaping over the dozen boxes scattered all over the place when she starts to say something.

"Why do I have these dresses in the same pattern—" She loses her footing, her balance compromised as she falls straight into me.

Taking me along in her downfall.

I am pushed against her bed's mattress, her body scrawled over me. Her hair curtaining around us. The softness beneath me presses us even further, as it dips with our combined weight.

She winces and my hands are gripping her waist, to maintain our balance. It was an attempt to help her but I kind of enjoy this position.

"Well, aren't you enjoying yourself?" I smile at her. Her neck cranes, eyes blinking in stupor.

She attempts to get up but my hold tightens. Pulling her closer, my arm circles her waist strongly. Pressing her spine towards my chest. Her body moulds with mine.

"I want to tell you something."

"Let me get up."

"No. I think this is the best way to say what I want to. You are quieter and more shy this way."

"I am not affected."

"Never said you were."

"What?"

Our orbs pool into each other's. I can feel her body stiffening in my hold, her breath hitches. Soft and warm. Laboured and measured, warm puffs of air. Rose on her cheeks, plush lips so close to mine.

"I am sorry." She looks shocked, caught off guard. It's as if my one word has taken away her ability to speak. She blinks her eyes rapidly, her eyelashes fluttering against the soft skin over her cheeks.

She is not wearing her glasses, which allows me to appreciate her eyes even better this way. Huge and doe, expressive. Her eyes are the gateway to all the reactions swirling in her head.

"I wanted to apologise in the afternoon as well but I lost my cool when Vidhi told me about your decision. See, I know our's is a temporary bond and I have no right to control who you like. You having a boyfriend never occurred to me, not because you can't, but because I couldn't bring myself to see you with someone else. It's selfish of me. I shouldn't have acted the way I did. You are free to do whatever you want. It will just not resonate with me but I promised to make you happy so if your happiness resides with that guy, I'll make peace with it."

I bare out my feelings to her. This is the most I can do. Be honest with her.

"He is not my boyfriend, Kabir."

"How?"

"He's Dheer. He's my best friend and you have nothing to worry about. He will prefer thirsting over you to me." She tells me. I gulp down my insecurities. My fears evaporated and merged with the surroundings.

The warmth of her fingers seeps into my skin even through my shirt. The ardour messing my brain, wanting me to commit some sins.

"Oh."

"Yeah. I should have cleared the misunderstanding in the afternoon itself but you made me angry and I decided against it. I didn't know it bothered you so much."

"It—does." Acceptance. First step.

But then there's reality slipping into my veins.

She is looking at me now, eyes dilated and I know mine are too. The grasp tugs her, our noses touch, and our breath mingles. Her scent. Teakwood and fucking bourbon.

This can't be happening. I need to construct a wall between us. So tall that even I can't scale, as much as I would want to. I can't do something and then not offer her more. I cannot ruin her, ruin us.

"We can't be anything more. I can't offer you love, Noor. I can't do that to you." Words tumble out of my mouth. She stirs, realising our position.

She moves her head a little, taken aback. Reality weeping into her and my skin. Black inkling grasping, running with the vessels. Climbing and creeping, wounding and choking. I hate the distance but it's necessary. Fucking required. Not for her but for me.

I need to take careful steps. She is Noor, someone who deserves so much more than a man who is broken himself. Who fears romance, who fears relationships? She doesn't need to settle for someone who trembles at the name of love.

"It's okay. It is my fault. I am not going to ask for more, I promise. But, what I demand from you is..is friendship. Let's start afresh, Kabir."

━━━━━━━❅━━━━━━━

oh, my. what a difficult thing love is.

thank you for reading.

royally yours,
meethi.