chapter : 16
strong decisions

hey! somethings first,
i had put a message on my board yesterday but incase you missed it, i wanted to let you all know that this book was written with an intention of being a little fast paced. this doesn't mean, i am going to let loose strands. it is all going to be tied well together. just faster paced than a normal book.

do follow me on wattpad as i ll keep dropping some spoilers and announcements regarding the updates.

also,
if we do cross the average votes and comments, i'll publish one more chapter today. :)

happy reading!

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n o o r
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Tick or treat?

Standing in front of the tiny polished wall that separates Kabir's and my home, I take a second to ponder. It had been such a strange day.

My wedding day.

The day a normal couple would have spent rejoicing, feeling happy and blessed. Turning to a new chapter of their lives, begin their new journey hoping for a smooth and long run. And I? I only laugh at my fate.

My marriage commences with a timer and a predicted full stop.

Today, at eleven in the morning, I received Kabir's first text informing me to directly reach the venue. He kept the exchange short and formal. No additions to make the message look a little more personal.

He had already spoilt the previous night for me, one which I spent tossing and disturbed. He could at least have messaged me nicely. After the moment we shared yesterday where he demanded me to use his name, it didn't take much time for him to shake apart.

I wonder if he encountered an electric current that made him jerk back. One that was powerful enough to snap him back to the reality scene. He had retrieved and left me there glued to his car, out there in the cold.

I found myself in a situation where there was no possibility of turning back. Despite my attempts to pretend, it was clear that I had been affected by his touch. The mere sensation of it had triggered a series of intense emotions within me.

However, he seemed to remain unfazed and didn't appear to be as bothered as I was. His aloofness only added to the complexity of my feelings. He couldn't even pretend to care.

His demeanour was frigid than the air, colder than the torrents that were sharp enough to pierce me.

It feels bad. It feels wrong. His behaviour created a gaping wound, so deep and painful it hasn't stopped bleeding ever since.

At the registrar, we had slid the rings into each other's fingers and exchanged garlands, with our parents delightedly clapping at the union. I had faked all my smiles but he didn't even care to nod or acknowledge. His face remained bland. It mirrored nothing, no joy but no sadness either.

After the officiation, we took blessings from all the elders. They planned to go out for lunch, wanting to celebrate us. My mother had stepped in then, and asked them to let the newlyweds go and settle.

Kabir and I had awkwardly entered the same car in front of our families but no words were exchanged between us. He dropped me off at home and left for the office. There were no questions raised about me coming to the office or about my unplanned leave. Things just kept happening.

The car ride we had shared was quieter than a library handled by the meanest librarian, so much so that it was deafening.

I wasn't even tempted to quarrel or demand answers. I was exhausted and felt tired. Just plain empty. I had walked in, took an elevator to our floor and stood at the same spot I am standing at now.

That time I had two options to choose from. It was confusing and it's even silly that I even considered them as choices. Kabir never asked me to move into his house and never said if he wanted to shift to mine.

If he did want me to relocate, he would have given me a hint. Even though I knew the password to his lock and could have gone in, it seemed incorrect.

If I had taken that call, and committed the error of entering his house, I would have made a fool out of myself, or wait even worse, I would have compromised on my self-respect. It was even mulish to even allow that thought in my head.

His way of behaving is an answer itself.

So, in the afternoon I made the right decision and entered the code to my house. Just like I do now.

I close the door behind me, sauntering aimlessly into a home that now feels like a trap. It's my home but today it feels like a cage. One who is mocking me, one who knows that no matter how hard and fast I flap my wings, there's no escape for me.

Something is pinching me, irking me, twisting and slitting me.

I am stuck here. The cage and my thoughts. My mind's muddled with insecurities bustling and doubts creeping.

I have considered more than a thousand options. Perhaps he felt like he was misleading me. He might have thought that it was inappropriate or would make things more complicated. Or maybe he wasn't fully aware of what he was doing and acted impulsively in the heat of the moment.

I have no issue in accepting all his silly reasonings but what I vigorously refuse is to allow him to project that confusion and anger at me. I am no one's punching bag.

He is treating me as if I was the one who pushed him against the car hood and made him feel things against his wishes. He is behaving as if I had taken advantage of his superior self.

We have always bickered and we moved on. That's how we always handled our fights but this time I absolutely disapprove of being treated like a tissue that he thinks he could use and throw away, as per his own damned wishes.

I am not negating the sparks and shivers and fucking something that I felt for him. I won't live in denial and not admit to having a wet dream about him or refuse that a woman flirting with him didn't make me burn in jealousy.

I had these realisations today, in the afternoon while I had binged on burgers, fries and coffee. While celebrating my marriage day alone in the company of food. They were a much better company.

So my brain and heart have finally reconciled, flashing torch on all the visible signs for me to realise that I have started feeling things for Kabir. It began soon after the entire sham was rolled into action, but I also won't behave so naive and allow anyone to stomp over me.

Not even my temporary husband, who I like, is allowed to do so.

I had been busy spending my afternoon gloomily, feeding on junk and watching my favourite show when Kabir's grandfather called me.

I had greeted him cheerfully but my voice dimmed down at his invite for dinner, alone, because apparently, my husband had flown outside the city for a business tour.

A meeting I wasn't aware of.  An event that his own damn personal assistant hadn't planned or marked in his calendar.

His message was loud and clear, he didn't care about this marriage at all.

I wasn't expecting him to jump on bed with me but I had wanted us to talk and discuss a few things. Now that we were married we had different sets of responsibilities to handle. We had more lies to take care of our fraud. But what did he do? He chose the easiest option and fled.

I tried refusing the invite stating Kabir and I would come together later but he kept on insisting. So I went to his house, the very place my doom had begun.

During the whole dinner, his grandfather treated me sweetly. He informed me about the conversations and discussions that were exchanged between him and my family.

He focussed his line of questioning on our love story, how and when it began. His pointed stares forced me to weave a story, a tale that thankfully isn't genuine.

Before him, I recited how I fell in love with Kabir whilst working as his assistant. I kept spinning new threads of our false tale. The only true thing I could utter was how he had proposed to me in my house.

A forced proposal, but a real one indeed.

There was something strange in his stance. With every pause I took, his eyes averted to the expensive metal encaging my finger.

Even this beautiful jewel felt like an entrapment.

"I don't know how he fell in love but I am glad he did. I a aware of how much he loves his work and it's me who instilled that in him. Don't worry though. He'll always take care of you...but remember, his work will always be his priority. You'll never top that list." 

It was a very subtle jab at me, him trying to convey how love had no place in any Sood's heart. He wanted me to know that work would always preside over love, over his wife for Kabir.

Honestly?

I neither was hurt nor did I feel bad. In fact, I was grateful to him for throwing the reality check back in my face. He planned this dinner without Kabir in attendance so that he could tell me what his grandson couldn't. Between the wife and company, I could never win.

Jokes on him, his grandson left no stones unturned to scream the same message.

Now tired after today's shenanigans I slump on my sofa after having attended the emotionally heavy dinner. Unlocking my phone, I scroll through my emails and switch between random apps. Looking for something. There are no new messages or any mail.

Nothing.

He didn't even bother to offer me any condolences. No excuses, no reasons. This feels like a penetrating shot, one that punctures my soul and tears me apart.

The truth is haunting me. Breaking me. Burning me.

I made a mistake. I allowed myself to feel, and look where it has gotten me. There's only hurt where I stand, deserted.

I am not going to blame him for not reciprocating my confused self. I won't beg someone to like me, to feel for me but this pains because he was able to detach himself away so easily.

Everything is crystal now. There has been no movement from his side, he still stands at the spot where we began our journey from. He never forgot the rules of this dangerous game we initiated to play, it was me who scored a foul, and funnily the game had just commenced.

He isn't wrong. But he could have gone softer. He could have given me at least his normal self but he opted for the silent treatment.

Now it just wrenches me. Makes me hate myself for diving in this deep black ocean, where the waves tranquillise and paralyse me. Prevents me from thrashing in the water, stops me from swimming my way out but only drags me down. Deeper and down, darker and darker.

Now that I think, this man had so many easy options to communicate this message to me. If he wanted to shoo me that badly, he could have just come to me and confessed that all this was just a misunderstanding, a wrong step on his part. I would have understood. It would have hurt a lot less than it does now.

His choice of discarding my entire existence just announces that he never saw me for anything more. I was his key to reaching the top of the company, and he intends that I remain just that.

I am at fault. I mixed things up. I unknowingly began to strike off one of the written clauses but I am grateful that he showed me a mirror. The lines between me, him and the clause had started to blur but he just redrew them, making sure I cannot erase them.

I may have been fooled by his actions, but I am not stupid. I understand the message he conveyed, and wants to convey. He wants nothing to do with me.

The union we entered into was founded on dishonesty and it seems fitting that it should come to an end in a similar fashion.

No more pitying myself. No more falling for a man who wants nothing to do with me. No more acting stupid. No more drowning. This girl knows how to swim her way back to the shore.

I am Noor Shekhawat. I work as Kabir's assistant and I'll keep doing my job until the end of this year after which my journey in the office and as his wife will come to an end, and rightfully so.

I slide off the ring, placing it carefully back in the box. It's going to see daylight only when I have an act to perform. Until then, I have a job to manage and my dreams to fulfil.

Feelings be damned.

Kabir Sood is going to regret treating me this way, and I am going to make sure of it.

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thank you!

an entire chapter of angst. i am still not very satisfied with this chapter but this edit will have to do for now.

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take care :))

royally yours,
meethi.