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A year ago, going out to a café or restaurant was a luxury for a different reason than it is now. Back then, it was more about not having the spare cash to do it very often and therefore it was something so luxurious and 'out there' that I savoured it every time. Now, it's so accessible to me, all I have to do is hand over my debit card the palace has given me with my funds to spend on what they call 'the little things' like going out to eat, gifts, hobbies and that kind of thing. It's so strange because my personal funds before I joined royalty were so carefully planned, it still feels strange to just go out because I feel like it.

What makes this a luxury, though, is that though I can go out on a whim, I know that my mere presence will spark excitement around the town. People see me, whisper to their friends who then whisper further, and before I know it, I'm sitting with a coffee or lunch, and the media are outside the window, waiting for me, my security is on a table on the other side of the room and everyone stares every so often. 

It's such a hassle, Kai told me he never usually bothers, and nor do I now. But this once, with my family, it's worth it. We rarely ever get time to do this before now, so it's amazing to finally be able to. We're sitting in an upmarket and rather expensive café having afternoon tea, which before all of this, would've been some sort of birthday gift for one of us, not just a last-minute decision, because why not?

But there is a reason behind my madness of it just being Annie, Patrick, my dad and me. Well, and the personal bodyguard they've hired permanently for me – Amber – who is on the next table to give us a little privacy.

We're in a private little alcove at the back of the café so no one can overhear us or bother us, and the window doesn't look in over us either.

I tell the three of them what's happened with Kai and him telling me the decision of what we do is up to me.

"Are they still planning the wedding and everything?" Annie asks.

I nod. "No one is into it, but it's got to be done, so they're prepping things. I'm meeting with the dress designer tomorrow again to go over the mock-up they sent. Are you sure none of you want to see it?"

Annie shakes her head. "I want to see it for the first time on you before the wedding, you know? If you don't mind."

I laugh. "Of course I don't mind! I just—it's weird. We're still getting married and everything, but this feels like I'm on the edge of a black hole. He's given me a massive, massive life decision here, and I don't know what to do."

Dad puts his hand on mine across the table. "You don't have to make this decision. It's not fair he's put this on you."

"You're right, it's not fair. But he's also in the middle of his own orbit of grief and it's not fair to him, either," I say. "I can guide him with my choice, but make sure he chooses himself, too."

Patrick sighs from beside me. "This isn't fair, though, Seahorse. You may be marrying into royalty, but you shouldn't be making a massive life decision for the royal blood like this."

I shrug. "We're together for real now, so we're more of a partnership than ever. I think he's just looking for an outside, sort of unbiased, opinion."

Sipping my tea, I let the idea of that settle for a bit. I'm not unbiased, though. My idea would be to stay in the royal family, but I know he's always hated it.

"What do you want?" Patrick asks.

"To stay in the family. I love it; the work, the security, the whole thing. At first, I resented Kai for dragging me away from my life, but as cliché as it sounds, it feels like this has been a calling. The palace told me when I first got here to see this as a job and though it is, I love it." I finish the cake on my plate. "But he hates it. Always has. Kai feels like he can't do this. But the people love him as well. I truly think he could surprise himself and love it if he had more confidence in himself."

"At the end of the day, sweetheart, you can only tell him how you feel. It's up to him what he does; he's an adult, a father and a husband-to-be. Say you left, eventually, the palace will come to you both and say you can have your way back in once it comes to it. But the people won't like that if you went back. He needs to take the reins here. This should not be your decision," Dad says. "You just need to follow your heart."

I sigh. "But my heart is with him, which isn't helpful because my heart is also in this job."

Annie finishes her drink. "More than anything, you need to be honest with him, honey. Tell him you don't feel ready to make this decision but be honest with your feelings. If he truly loves you, he'll take this weight off your shoulders. You're going through enough as it is. The funerals are in a couple of days, and then I think you two should absolutely have this conversation seriously."

"He told me when I first mentioned it when we first moved in together that if he denounced the title, even as fifth in line at the time, it would break his family apart as well as all the stress to go alongside it within the institution. I guess reality has come knocking for him and he's scared. But I think he would be amazing."

"Then tell him that," Dad says. "Hint about men: we're not mind readers. We don't do emotion like you women do. We have to be told things explicitly or we just don't get it. All of this – tell him. Even if you don't have an answer, if he knows where you're at, he can start planning things with you. Lay it all out, whatever it is you royals do."

"He's right," Patrick says. "Men work methodically."

Dad finishes his tea. "The thing about partnerships – and marriage – is that while one of you might do the finances and the other has nothing to do with it, and one does the housework and the other works, you're both equal. It's like a set of scales. When it comes to life plans, you both need to be even – lay out your feelings and come up with the answer together. Right now, the man has lost a lot as well as coming to terms with the shit around the baby and marriage. We don't have the same emotional biology as women; we get stressed and unload to you because that's how biology puts us in this world."

I nod in answer; he makes sense.

"You're still new to this, so this is one of those big life moments. Tell him you can't deal with this on your own and become a unit. He'll understand. It may take time because he's grieving, but he will. I promise you. Just like the rest of us men, he just needs to be made aware of the issue."

"When did you get this deep, Henry?" Annie asks.

He chuckles. "Living with women since I was... too young to even comprehend. You get used to this stuff."

"Excuse me, with women?" Patrick jokes.

Dad smirks. "Don't challenge me, young Padawan. Definitely don't listen to me, either. You have to keep the rough exterior of manly-ness up in this family."

Patrick laughs and nudges me with his elbow. "Who knew Dad could have life lessons in his old age?"

I snort and sit back. "You two can fight this out at home. But, in all honesty, thank you guys. I know what to do now."

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Talking to Kai right now is more difficult than pulling teeth. We're both so busy now; he's in the palace somewhere with his parents planning for the funerals still, while I'm being put through dress measurements and lessons for becoming Princess of Wales – they'll be calling me Princess Mila once we're married and if we stay in the family. 

I have a whole new set of rules, and charities put on my doorstep to take on. In the assumption Kai will become king one day, I'll either be Princess or Queen Consort, which means more lessons on what will be expected of me, how to conduct my role and geography and politics lessons. For a family that is restricted and never, ever allowed to become involved with politics, there is still so much to learn.

Why was nursing so much easier than this?

When I'm home later, Kai is upstairs killing zombies on his console. Now we have two, we set up one on each side of the room so we can play together and I can beat him at games he considers himself a god at. He's definitely not a god at video games, as much as he refuses to accept that fact.

"How were your princess lessons?" he asks once we've hugged each other.

I snort. "It feels worse than school. So much to take in. I also feel like Princess Mia from Princess Diaries."

His face goes blank. "Never heard of it, or a Mia."

I arch an eyebrow. "You've never seen the film, at least?"

He shakes his head.

I sigh in fake irritation. "Guess what we're watching tonight and tomorrow? Either way, I managed to get a prototype of the wedding dress. It's going to be amazing."

He smiles. "I want to see it, but I don't. The first time I want to see it is on you as you walk towards me in that church, which, by the way, I cannot wait for. Right now, the wedding is the thing keeping me going through all of this."

I put my arms around his neck. "Whatever comes next, we will get through this together. I'm looking forward to walking up that aisle and becoming your wife. We just have to keep going day by day until it's here."

"It's just so difficult. The funerals, the pressure—"

"Kai," I say when he stops. "I don't want to be the one to make this decision for us. You're the one with the royal blood here. You know how it works more than I do. We're a partnership here – we'll be married soon, we have a child coming – I think we need to make this decision together."

He sighs and nods. Kai stays silent for a moment, though. A moment long enough for me to question myself and ask of him right now. He sits down on the sofa and turns the console and TV off before rubbing his face.

"I'm sorry, I just—"

He interrupts me by shaking his head. It falls silent again.

"It's not that, Peach. I feel awful about putting this on you, but in the moment I did it, it made sense. I've been sitting here for, well, since they died, wanting to leave. Part of me feels like I can't do this, but I also know this is what I've been primed for. Whether or not it's a slight, I am the spare. Every king or anyone in the royal bloodline is told to have more than one child in case something like this happens. It's awful, it's sad, but it's true. This has always been my purpose."

"Kai, your parents don't look at you that way."

"You're right, they don't. They love me. I know they do. But my whole reason for being conceived is this. It's why we'll have to have at least one more child once we're married. It wouldn't have been as urgent had Lucy been alive, but now we're next in line, we'll have pressure on us to conceive another. Any after that is a bonus. Baby's with royal blood are like gold to the monarchy so it never dies out."

I narrow my eyes, unsure how to respond to that. This is the side to the monarchy I don't think I like – women are treated like incubators in a way. But then, I get it. Securing the bloodline is important. Kai mentioned his blood can be traced back to Henry the Eighth, so I guess it is fairly sentimental.

It's sort of like how when the palace dress me in their finery; designer clothes I'm not used to and jewellery I could never afford if I put all my family's wages together, and I hit back silently by wearing my charm bracelet. It's this sort of desperation to feel close to what I know and love, something familiar. Though it's an awful analogy, when I wear that bracelet, I feel closer to my roots and like I'm safe. To the royal family, having spares – whether right or wrong – is their safety net. While they may – like Kai – feel useless most of their life and like a spare part, they're just that safety net and something familiar to fall back on.

Mila, you're an idiot. Did you just really compare royal blood to a charm bracelet?

I need to go to sleep.

"But I keep coming back to how awful I'll be at this," Kai says. "People never hated me, but it's no secret the moment you come into my life publicly, the people like me more because they love you. I just don't know if I'll be a good king."

I approach him and perch on his knee. After a second, he relaxes and pulls me closer to him until I end up straddling him. Usually, this would spark some sort of desire and need between us, but right now, it's the total opposite. My hands cup his face and our eyes meet. His pupils dilate ever so slightly and I feel the warmth returning to him.

I'm grounding him.

"You would be an amazing king, Kai. The people love you. I can see it when we do events, I see it in the way they listen and respect you. Right now, you do amazing work, you will do even more amazing work as Prince of Wales, and even more as the King of England – and the rest of the countries!"

He looks into my eyes. "I just—I still need to think about it. I'm so sorry for putting this on your shoulders. That should've never been a thing."

"You're fine. How about we get the funerals out of the way and then talk about it with clear heads? We'll even write a pros and cons list if we have to, but it'll be clearer, at least."

He nods and kisses my forehead. "That sounds like a plan. Thank you, Peach."

I smile and put his hand over my bump. "You don't have to thank me. It's what we're here for."

"I love you so much."

In return, I kiss his forehead. I can feel the tension radiating off him, and I hate that it is. He's lost so much and yet he can't now be seen to be mourning in public; he has to be on point. It's easier for me with nurse training and not being my biological sister and family. 

There's a part of me that thinks I should actually make this decision for him because I just saw that sparkle in his eye when he spoke about the work of a prince, but I also know he's always hated it. He needs a clearer head – and so do I.

It hits me as he kisses my lips that this is probably the first – and maybe only – major life decision of my royal life so far, and I suppose if I can make it through this, I can do anything. 

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