30

YOURE GONNA LET IT ALL GO?

LEO'S voice echoes softly through the bathroom even though he's on the other side of the door. "What do you want?" My mom asks, a little bit of disappointment has a residue on her voice.

"I just... can I come in?" He asks quietly and my mom sighs, looking at me. I just stare at my interlocked hands and shrug.

What's the point? He'll probably not even notice me....

"okay..." my mom says, quietly but just loud enough for him to hear.

He walks in slowly, making no noise as my mom continues to wash me, going up to my forearm as I just sit there. I don't think I'll ever feel the same... it hurts me deep inside like I'm disgusting and it's my fault.

Is it my fault?

Is it my fault that Leo doesn't love me too?

He walks up to the side of the tub and sits on the edge, staring at his feet, just being there before he bites his lip and looks at my mom.

"Can I help?" He asks slowly and she looks at me, but then decides herself. I would've said no, I don't want him to touch me..

She hands him the rag and sighs. "Y'know what, it's not my decision to make but I'm making it. Go ahead. Call me back in if you need me."

And she leaves...

It's silence for a second before he rolls up his jeans and puts his feet in the bath water so he can face me.

"I just want you to feel comfortable-"

"I'll never feel comfortable around you, Jace.." I huff and he breathes heavily. "Please don't call me that-" he starts but I swallow and growl, "Just shut up for once!"

"I should've known that you wouldn't want me in here- I-... I just didn't want to let you go.." he says and I roll my eyes, "shut up." I say, but I Don't stop him from rubbing the cloth on my back. I don't stop him from moving my hair away with gentle fingers sending tingles through me.

Because I still love him, even if I don't want to. I do.. and it hurts. "No I'm not lying-"

"Why put all the work in? Why put all the work in if it wasn't true? Why put all that work in just to lie about lying!?"

"That's what I'm saying... is that it wasn't a lie,"

I feel as though my body deflates. "Leave." I mumble but he doesn't.

"Let me say something! Sure it wasn't a lie but everything else wasn't either. I never lied about loving you! What happened was I didn't know I loved you! And I'm stupid and you know that, so stupid me decided that it would be a great idea to fuck with you... but really that just fucked everything because approximately three seconds later I realized I loved you and I always had and that I fucked up big time... it was never just because of that stupid idea I had when I was bored. Everything past the time I kissed you this beach visit was real. Every single fucking thing. I wish it didn't happen.. I wish I never said anything. I was just so angry-"

I can't look at him without crying, knowing what he said. But I shuffle and sniff, as his hands wrap around and start rubbing my chest.

He's not gentle, but he's not rough, he's making me feel like I'm being cleaned.

"Did you ever stop for a second and think, 'at least I have a dad?' Fuck Le- Jace you have two dads!"

"I'm sorry... I know I overreacted and even then I was thinking that it was a horrible idea. I love you so much, so much and I ruined it like that. I almost broke my dash board because of it." He chuckles a little, looking into the bath water at his feet. "It's just... it's weird knowing that you're real parents don't want you. That you weren't wanted at all..."

I sigh, "I know... nobody wants me either Jace.. you ruined it. but maybe you were... maybe you were so loved that they knew they couldn't give you the life you deserved. God didn't you get a life now Jace." I say and he sighs...

"I do. I'm so fucking ungrateful for it too..."

"You're so selfish." I mumble and he chuckles, not even caring what I say about him.

"Yea and I own it because you said you loved that I was a cocky prick." He says and I huff, "That's because thats who you are, and I loved you." I say emotionally and he stiffens.

Because that is who he is. He's a cocky prick who thinks he can do anything, he's confident and an asshole but I fucking love it because Thats him. He's a terrible person who breaks people's hearts everyday and I'm ashamed to say that that's him and that I love him but it's also true. Every girl wants a heartbreaker to fall in love with them. But then they remember they're a heartbreaker for a reason... every girl's heart that got broken was one that thought they changed him too.

"Loved?" He asks, emphasizing the 'd' at the end.

"I don't know..." I say truthfully and he sighs.

My voice becomes wobbly.... and tears slip down my cheeks. I just want him to love me back, and I want to know it's true..... he didn't tell anybody we were dating and he told me he lied... what more is there to it....

"I'll never stop loving you Jace.. You're everything to me.. but I just can't stop thinking about it.. about what you did while I was at home.. what you said.."

It was all a lie.

Okay sure, I know that I love him, and I know I love his touch and I forgave him for what he did deep down. But I also know that maybe part of me won't forgive him. I know that part of him voluntarily hurt me. When you love somebody you're supposed to not want them to ever get hurt! Right?

Or am I just too caught up in VHS tape romances where everything is perfect?

"I hurt you and I consciously did it even if I was high off of anger... though I didn't mean it it still hurt you... so even if you don't love me anymore, which I understand, can I just do one thing? Can I just... at least try to get my baby back?" He asks and I bite my lip, not moving.

Maybe if he makes me remember what he's really like, even if it hasn't been long before I saw that... I'll forgive him fully, with my heart and my brain. I just want to know he loves me...

I bite my lip, but slowly my one tear becomes a stream of tears as I sob. He doesn't both to get undressed as He steps into the water behind me He puts his legs to either side of me and lays in the warm water.

"Roxy please look at me..." he says and I stay still.

"Roxy please just once..."

There it is, I'm Roxy again.

I turn my head so I can see him as he lets out a breath.

"Oh god I love you..." he says and then stiffens, "And you don't have to say it back! I fucked with you so long with that you can fuck with me too." He says and slowly I just start sobbing, loudly and ugly and angrily.

He wraps his hands around my waist and kisses me all over, resting his forehead against me.

"I just want you to love me.... and I feel so gross and sad and.... he touched me.... I feel so bad. I just wanted to be loved for once..... nobody ever did.."

His tears seep down my back as he shakes his head, "I promise I loved you since the day I met you... when I gagged when Johnson told me to stay away from you.... I thought you were pretty.... at least compared to my spaghetti monster sister... and I can't do anything about what he did to you and god I wish I could but I can't and it makes me feel disgusting too but all I can do is make you feel loved the best I can... and I can wash you and tell you how pretty you are and try to get you back.... and if it's making you hate everything even more than I'll leave but.... I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you...."

right now I need love.... even if it's not real.

That's the thing, is that when somebody you love hurts you you just collapse into a spiral of wanting them to hold you to make it all better and wanting to watch them die.

But I don't want him to die.

I want him to love me again and hold me, but I also want to know it's real... that's all I want.

yea...

I lean back onto his chest as I feel his controlled breaths against my back. His breathing is on my neck, and I feel his eyes traveling over my body as he washes my stomach, now it's gentle.

"Say it was real, Jace..." I mumble and he grabs onto my forearm to move my hand away.

"It was real." He sighs out, as though he wished that he could go back and redo all of it, redo his life.

So he slowly moves my hand and washes my inner thighs.

"I understand..." I mumble and he stops moving, turning to look at me and I do the same to him, almost wanting to cry, but I won't. "You believed in everything your parents told you, what I told you, everything. You loved your family and then.. boom, not only was that family not yours but you were being lied to over and over again. Your nightmare was that I was lying to you about everything too...." I say and he licks his lips and nods.

"But this doesn't need to be about me Roxy.... I just want you to know I love you. I do..."

EVEN IF ITS SOON ROXANNE YOU DONT HAVE TO PUNISH YOURSELF FOR FORGIVING HIM!

So here...

"Leo, I think we should stay like we were... before all of this happened...?" I say, and he gets up from behind me, his clothes dripping wet.

"What? You're just gonna let it all go?" He asks sadly, almost crying, and he seems terrified. He doesn't wanna let me go..

"I just... I can't handle hurting anymore, Leo... and it doesn't change anything. You were right... you made it so nobody knew for a reason....."  I say and he growls, leaning on the sink.

"I get that... but I could make it all better! I could cuddle you all night while you cried, I could read you your favorite books, I could take you out on dinners, I could show everybody in this stupid fucking town that you were mine!"

"You're such a dick.. wanting everything to yourself," I huff and he scoffs, "Yea and that's the part of me that you loved so I'm not ever getting rid of it. You loved the bad parts and the good parts of me, Roxy... you loved me."

"And I still love you, Leo." I say quietly, looking at my feet as I'm curled up into a ball. "Then why can't we be together?! Why won't you let me kiss you?" He asks and I shrug, "I just need a second Leo... I feel so gross and sad and... and you said it would be embarrassing to fall in love with me..." I say and he lets out a small cry.

"No I didn't mean it you know that..." he mumbles, tears dripping down his face. He looked over me, obviously hurting but.. obviously in love too.

"It was so scary.... for the first time in my life you gave no shits about what happened to me... You made me have an asthma attack and all you did was throw me my inhaler and act like you wished I would just not use it...."

He stares at me, biting his lip as he falls down the counter, sobbing. "I'm so sorry...." he cries.

I look into nothing.

"I just wanna be enough for once with no obstacles... no 'not telling anybody about us' and no hating me.... I wanna fresh start where I didn't almost get raped and where you just loved me..."

"I always will... I'll get you back Roxy... I promise. I'll make you happy this time, I'll do it right.."

He breathes heavily as he turns to me.

"Can I just kiss you one last time?" He asks breathily and I nod.

He walks over to me and grabs me by my hips and pulls me up. He holds me until he sets me down on the bathroom counter and grabs onto my face, smashing his lips onto mine. I kiss him back, running my fingers through his dry blonde hair and loving it.

Fuck he's so beautiful.

He backs up and I watch as tears slip down his cheeks.

"I Don't want it to be the last time..You know whatever happens I'll still love you, right?" He asks me against my lips and I nod, pulling back and looking at him through my eyelashes.

"And I'll love you. Just... will you wait for me?" I ask and he nods, "Id wait for forever. I promise."

And he backs up, biting his lip as his fingers slowly rip apart from mine in our intertwined hands.

"Can you stay for just a second?" I ask and he nods, and I stuff my face into his neck and just... sob.

:;

I didn't know that I would be the one that had to wait

:;

"ROXY!" Rose screams when she gets home from school.

She hugs me roughly and I wince. "Oh my god I'm so sorry! I got the call during school that you were in the hospital and Ms Mal and I almost started bawling oh my god..." she says, out of breath just from running up the driveway.

I'm not gonna be rude because me too. I can't even walk up the stairs with out being out of breath.

"I'm okay!" I say and she huffs. "Of course the one day I had a good day your sucky one beats mine." I chuckle.

"Well Haze told me he was taking me to school and then he took me on a date..." she says nervously, biting her lip as I squeal. "AWWW!!! LOVE HIM OR I WILL!"

"You have my brother!" She says and my face falls, her eyebrows furrow and she's gone  into detective mode. "What did he do?" She says quietly and I sigh, "He found out today right?" She asks and I nod.

"And he thought that I was lying to him the entire time..." I mumble and she furrows her eyebrows.

"Wait you didn't know?!!!" She quizzed, surprised as I nod, "Yea I didn't know.. and then he told me the truth, which was that when we first started dating he was just planning on using me for sex. But then he said that he immediately knew he loved me once he kissed me. And long story short were just friends." I say and her face goes into a contorted one of confusion.

"What the fu-"