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(This is probably one of my favorite chapters...)

THE REASONS LEO MCCLURE WON'T TELL

"DAD has to work for like twenty four hours at the hospital, and since mom is gone I was thinking I could throw a party for homecoming." Leo says as I lean my head on his shoulder, his arm around me as I close my eyes.

"Yea go ahead Jace, but..." Rose warns, pointing to him with a stern look as we watch the movie in the living room.

"You have to actually let Rox and I wear something cute." She pleads and he growls, his hand grabbing onto my arm and squeezing automatically.

"Why would I let you?" He asks, Haze's lips press together in a fine line as he watches the movie intently, not wanting to get involved.

"Because Rox has got a hot bod and what if she wants to show off to Blake Harbor?" She asks, staring at him deep in his eyes. She's really playing off the fact that he thinks I don't know what's happening.

"She won't." He says and she huffs, "why-"

"You know why, Rose." He huffs as he rubs my shoulder and gets up. "I'll take you home in a second, Roxy."

He stands up next to Rose and squints his eyes. "No one fucks with my baby." He whispers and she smirks, "We are wearing bikinis." She says and he nods cleaning back.

"Fine, I can't stop you since it's your body. But if I see Blake Harbor grabbing onto either of your butts or anybody look at either of you. They're getting these hands." He says and I chuckle a little, curling up into a little ball.

"Rox and I can protect ourselves Jace." She says, coming over to me and leaning my head on her lap.

"I would doubt that." Haze says and Rose squints at him, flipping him off as he chuckles, shaking his head.

"Give me back my girlfri-..." Leo stops mid sentence, staring at me, "My friend..."

"Smooth." Rose says and he shakes his head, picking me up in one swift movement and grabbing his keys.

"Fuck you I'm driving your best friend home." He says and she chuckles. "Like she's not to your best friend too, Jace!" She screams after as I snuggle my head into his chest.

He grabs his wallet. "Okay Reed-lover." He mumbles and she growls, "Too soon."

"Haze-lover?" He asks wearily and she nods, "better." She says and Haze bites his lip, smiling at his lap.

Once we get outside I sigh, "What are they gonna do?" I ask and he puts me down, confused as he buckles my seatbelt for my tired body, "what?"

"Well when they start dating what are they gonna do?" I ask and he shrugs. "Same thing we're gonna do, like each other regardless, call every night. I wouldn't doubt that he would set up a longer stay here as well." He says and I nod.

"They're so cute together." I say and he chuckles.

"I'm more protective over you than my sister, so I will say this is better than you and Haze. I would die if you and Haze got together." He says and I nod, "I'm gonna take a nap, I'll come to your party later okay?" I ask and he nods.

"Okay, baby girl. I'll take you upstairs, your mom really wants to talk to me about the divorce and stuff anyway, y'know the tea situation." He says and I chuckle, "she really wants to sit down and have tea!"

"You act like that's a normal thing. All people do now is invite people in to get high." He says and I gag, "gross.." leaning on to his shoulder.

"Goodnight..." he mumbles as I fall asleep, leaning on his arm.

When I wake up it's around 3 pm, Leo's party is to start at 5 pm since it's a pool party. I hear the clanking of dishes downstairs and I furrow my eyebrows.

I put my hair up quickly and walk slowly downstairs to see my mom pouring tea from the kettle into two cups.

"I finally got his attention!" She screams as I rub my eyes and chuckle.

"He's been here for two hours mom.." I say and she sighs, "Yea, but we spent that time talking about Dave. We're telling him the day before Jace turns eighteen and the day after you turn sixteen since I already assumed you'd be spending the night with him. Which I'm totally fine with by the way! But," she says, her finger pointing up.

"No kids." She explains and I my eyes go wide, "We're not even dating yet!" I scream and she sighs. "You will soon." She says, raising her eyebrows and Leo presses his lips tightly together.

She brings tea over to the table as he checks a watch that rests lightly on his hand. "Roxy can you call Rose and ask if she can start setting up?" Leo asks and I nod, walking over to the phone attached to the wall and ringing the number.

"Hello?" Rose's familiar voice asks and I smile, "Hey it's Rox."

"Oh my gosh finally you're up! I just started setting up, I'm already dressed and stuff babes you should come over soon." She says and I chuckle.

"I will in a second, Leo just wanted me to ask you to start setting up. But you've already read our mind." I say and she smiles proudly through the phone.

"Okay, loves. See you soon."

Then she hangs up. I come over and jump onto the couch in front of the small tv, going through our VHS tapes.

"Jace... tell me about yourself?" My mom says, sipping through her tea as she snuggles into the couch, holding it with two hands. I grab onto Leo's tea and have some myself as he furrows his eyebrows at me.

He puts his hand on my knee, bending his fingers so he's giving me a secret middle finger and I laugh. "Well Omarah I just got accepted to my dream college, I'm telling everybody here where it is on my birthday." He says causally and I almost choke on my hot tea.

I cough, patting my chest. "What?!" I say and he smiles at me, his eyes staring into mine, his smile fading when it gets to his eyes. It's not true...

"I'll tell you later, but you can tell nobody else, Roxanne! It's only because you're giving me that look." He says with a chuckle at the end.

"I don't want you to leave..." I mumble and he wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him as he sniffs my hair and softly kisses the back of my neck.

"Oh Roxy! Be quiet! It's so amazing for him! Even if you've had a crush on him for forever! He's gonna he happy!" My mom says and I bite my lip.

Maybe he will be happy without me...

"yea..." I mumble, hoping with all of my heart that he could just read my mind and say 'no... I can only live with you near me...'

But this is real life.

Not some fantasy book with angels that come down and bless me so that everything goes right. I mean for fucks sake I fell in love with somebody who's two years older than me and leaving for college in 9 months.

My life was meant for hurt and I can fucking take it. But I'm not sure I can take him being happy without me...

"Do you have a girlfriend?" My mom asks cheekily and Leo's short nails dig lightly into my side. Just a little thing that doesn't hurt, but to tell me that He's sorry? That I'm his? It's hard to explain...

"For the last time, Omar, I'm not seeing anybody." He says with a clam chuckle as he backs away from me, his hand grabbing onto my thigh and pulling my leg on top of his.

"I just can't get it through my head how someone so attractive can't have a girlfriend! I mean... Jesus is my daughter doing well-" She says, stirring her tea as she shakes her head while she doesn't give up on me and Leo dating.

"Thank you." He says with a genuine smile as he leans his head back, his perfect teeth being framed by his plump pink lips.

"Okay, okay, another one... how about..? You still doing football?" She asks and he nods, "Your very own Jaydelin High quarterback." Leo says and my mom chuckles before her smile fades as she looks into her tea...

"Johnson loved football.." she mumbles, speaking of my dad as she sniffs and Leo turns to me, making sure I'm okay as I nod.

He gets up and rubs my moms back as she lets out a small cry.

But that's when Dave comes home...

He growls at me and Leo before stomping up the stairs like a child.

"I'll go change.." I mumble. Going upstairs to change while my boyfriend consoles my mother.

He's my boyfriend. I just want people to know... maybe then all my fears that this isn't true would go away. I know the McClures know... why can't he tell my family... if it's because he loves me too much fuck that because boy am I starved for it.

I'm hated by my stepdad and just recently got my widow mother back from her mind-haze.

I'm hated by everybody at our school because Leo's close to me and I'm hated by guys for the way I look.

Why does he think I don't deserve that love?

:;

I sit in Leo's car in a black bikini top with ruffled straps and swim shorts. My shirt is up in a ponytail and my makeup is light and waterproof.

He's obviously protective and kind of pissed about "all of the stupid guys who will think they can win me over"

I think it's kinda sweet how much he cares... his hand grabbing onto my thigh with cellulite, noticing and not caring about my 'imperfections'

I do try to cover up the bad things about him leaving by talking about now. But the part I'm my Brian I'm trying to cut out is screaming at me, 'don't get to attached!'

I already am....

I jump out of the car, running in as Leo chuckles, following after me. He's mine... I need to remember that.

And this is the point where I'd want the angels again, to make him come tell me he'll tell them soon.

But he doesn't...

"I'm home!" Leo screams as he walks in through the door after me, picking me up as I shriek, no matter how much I overthought to make myself angry at him, he got out of it just by touching me.

I squeal as he grabs onto my butt and kisses my neck, knowing Rose and Haze are outside setting up he runs us upstairs and throws me in the bed. I smile at him as he jumps in next to me and kisses all over my neck.

"I'm so so so sorry I still haven't told anybody, Roxy." he mumbles against my neck, tears from his eyes glazing the surface of my neck.

Okay maybe I do have an angel, they're just slightly incompetent most of the time.

"When will you tell people, Leo... cause right now I see nothing in the future. I see us having to be scared everywhere we go. I see me feeling sad and like you don't really want me unless you would tell people-"

"Fuck, Roxy... I promise I want you.." he says, tears falling onto his cheeks. He wasn't afraid to cry.

"I just... I'm scared. I'm scared of all of the things that I feel... and all of the reasons why we shouldn't be together-"

"Leo McClure you fucking asshole. I don't care if you don't want to tell people because you want me to know how much you love me before anybody else does, but I don't want you saying that fucking bullshit. You were the one that's wanted me to be your girlfriend even though I told you all the reasons we shouldn't. I told you!! You didn't care! What happened to that!! If you don't want me go get another girl, Leo! We all know you can..." I say and he sits up against his headboard as I stare at his ceiling.

I'm about to get up and leave when he grabs onto my thigh and stops me. "You're right... I knew all of those consequences and I went in. I don't regret it one bit because your finally mine and I fucking love it. I love it so much. I love touching you, I love seeing you everyday, I love kissing you, I love going on dates with you and showing you all the things I've wanted to for most of my life... it's not that I changed! It's that I got what I wanted and my brain won't let that happen! It won't let me be happy! I don't know why! I can't answer that! I've just always been a pessimistic asshole Roxy... I'm trying to stop it I'm trying so hard. Because I don't want another girl! But the more you get into knowing the real Leo the more you know that I'm not cheery... I'm sad. Because everybody who I think is my friend is using me... they all don't like me they like the idea of me. My brain is screaming at me that that's what you're doing because you make me happy. You make me happy just like everybody else does before they leave except your happy... the happy you give to me is so much better, it isn't just a little smile because you called me hot and I'm fed off the others' need for me but it radiates through my entire body when I see you. So there's another fucking reason I have to get over before I can tell people because if I don't just think but know you don't love me back again I... I don't know what is like do." He rambles and tears prick my eyes.

I breathe heavily, standing still, frozen, as I see him look at me with pain and adoration in his eyes.

"So please don't leave now.... I'm getting better for you, Roxy. Cause despite my main pessimistic brain... I know I'll be married to you one day." He finishes and I let the tears slip.

He gets closer and grabs onto my arms, not wanting to pull me close yet if I don't want it. "Please don't cry, baby.." He mumbles, even though his own tears slip from his eyes.

I burst out into tears as I pounce into him, kissing him over and over again before leaning my forehead against his and sobbing. My legs straddle him and my arms wrap around his neck.

"Please don't hate me..." I sob and he chuckles, "I don't think I ever could...."

"I get it now, Leo. Take as long as you want... but I want to know you like me. I want you to make it clear to me even if you can't to everyone else, give me a little sign while we're in public. Grab onto my hips, hold my hand while we sit at the lunch table so nobody can see. Just please... I need to know it's real."

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"Because... I didn't know I could feel this way."