Strength

Days pass and I got stronger, we have a great routine going and I can't believe he's the same man, nothing too much trouble, no request denied.

"I've organised a big surprise if you think you're up to it?!" John held something behind his back and every time I tried to grab for it he moved away.

"Spoil sport, out with it, what is this big surprise - a trip grocery shopping just won't cut it." I sit down on the couch and cross my arms not entirely convinced he could pull off a 'wow' surprise maybe just a 'ok that's nice' one.

"We, my dear, are going sailing on a yacht!"

"A what? A yacht where did you-...... that's an awesome surprise, and here I was thinking grocery shopping!" As he flopped on the couch with me he hands me the leaflet, a bright yellow yacht floating in the ocean, white sails billowing "Oh it looks beautiful, like the one on Sydney Harbour! Thank-you" I kissed him on the cheek and hugged his arm "When, where, what to wear?!"

John glanced at the clock above my head "When? - Well let's get you dressed and go so- Now! I'll get the sunscreen, hats and your coat- you get something nice on- sailing gear!"

I struggled to get dressed quickly but managed to sort myself in under an hour a feat in my Chemo world, the phone was ringing and John answered while I was in the bathroom.

"That was Linda, they'll be back tonight!"

"Yay, that's wonderful. I miss them all so much Sophie especially of course so, so much" I hugged John and we left in a happy mood for the harbour.

After the torrential downpour the night before, today was fine, clear and calm.

As we sailed the coastline I pointed out some dolphins which John took photos of, we also got some photos of us taken by the captain, John sneaking the captains cap on for a couple of shots. He looked so like my John from long ago.

The sun reached a zenith and light snacks were served I ate a minuscule amount which John berated me for but I wasn't chancing eating and being sick while aboard the yacht.

We sun-baked, well I was fully clothed but John discarded his shirt, which made it hard to watch the ocean for a while. Watching the gulls float along on the breeze beside the boat took much of the afternoon, they landed here and there hoping for a crust or scrap from the remnants of lunch.

Glorious clear skies and a light wind made it so beautiful, I felt more alive than I had in ages.

But as the ship turned to head back to harbour I turned with it.

Melancholy set in. The carnival that was me and John these last few days would be over, real life would meet us on our return, children, family. With Linda back would John leave? Would we go back to the 'friendly ex' tag or somehow entwine Sophie, Sean, my illness and everything into a new era.

I stopped myself there, I wouldn't let the storm clouds of my thoughts kill the sunshine I was in right now.

"Hey -up, stop thinking, it's bad for ya" John nudged me out of my stupor and I hugged my knees to my chest. ".... go on then, I'll give you a penny for 'em..."

"Nah, just my brain trying to turn me dark and nasty, sunshine is trying to win at the moment so I don't want to jinx it"

"Well I certainly don't want dark and nasty unless it entails dirty, naughty bedroom stuff"

"Sod off you animal! How do you always turn a conversation around like that?!"

"Well that's an art form luv, I have an art for dishing up the saucy stuff, you, of all people should know that!"

"True. One of your less desirable qualities"

"Until you wanna try it" The eyebrows wiggled and waggled suggestively and I couldn't help but laugh, I was back in the sunshine and had John to thank for it.

Another surprise awaited me at the harbour, as I alight from the yacht Sophie runs up to me, screaming 'mummy, mummy I missed you' melting my heart into a gooey mess of love. "And I missed you too my munchkin, are you all better now!?"

"Oh, yes mummy auntie Linda was my nurse, just like she was your nurse!" I smiled at the rest of the tribe sauntering down the jetty, John had Sean in his arms by now and Sophie was being lifted up as I turned around to say hello to the little boy.

"Well look at the adorable sailing club couple" Linda hugged my arm to her and we wandered to the grassy area to wait for Paul and John who dawdled with the children by the water "How was it!?"

I looked at her and dirty thoughts crossed my mind, and my face, it seemed....

"Not the bloody sex you slut, how was the nursemaid. Gee leave you alone a few days and you turn into a damn sex maniac." Linda scooted over next to me, her arm casually slung over my shoulder "No seriously- how was the sex?" Linda giggled and couldn't help but laugh as I slapped her arm but I still very much joined her in giggling madly.

Paul and John arriving, standing over us casting quizzical looks at each other as they watched Lin and I laugh like lunatics.

**********

Fish and Chips at the jetty's diner was wonderful and the few gulls that remained as the light faded were rewarded by Sean, Stella and Sophie tossing chips their way when the adults weren't looking. I myself, was leaning heavily on Johns shoulder, the day had been long and fun but now I was sapped, drained of every ounce of energy.

'Let's get Cinderella home before  she turns into a pumpkin. Hey luv, wakey, wakey" Sophie and Sean giggled as I was flopped about by John. Paul wasn't helping...he was tossing my hand up in the air and catching it lightly as it fell. I was a bag of bones, I hadn't a hope of getting back to the car under my own steam.

"You two twits know she needs carrying don't you, she isn't fooling around" Linda sat shaking her head, trying and dismally failing to contain a smirk. John finally nodded in agreement and pressed my nose to which I swatted but he was much too quick. "John that's enough, man up, give me the keys and start carrying the girl. I'll take the kids ahead and open the car, right?!

"Yeah, Yeah. I'm sorted. Fun's over Macca, yer missus is on our case" John calmed down and stroked my cheek as I smiled up at him sleepily. Sean was perched, grinning ear to ear, over his shoulder.

As we all got settled in the cars for the drive back to the beach house, John asked Linda and Paul to keep the children with them, I protested feebly but didn't win, we then drove silently through the winding roads that led to home and, more importantly, bed. Rounding a bend that hugged the rocky shore, John pulled over under a lonely street light, the parking lot was free of cars and I was puzzled by his actions.

"Why have we stopped? It's not far to home, can't we just stop there?" As I spoke John jumped out of the car and raced around to my side, opening the door, he leaned in not giving me a moment to complain, unhooked my seat belt and lifted me out "You're not tossing me in are you?!!! Whatever I said, I take back, I was delirious with drugs!"

"Shush Syd or I will toss ya" As John carried me, a small smile played at his lips from my protesting about being chucked in but he was serious too, solemn I guess, a more apt description.

I was overtaken by the beauty of the rugged section of coastline we now were positioned over, a bench seat was set so it felt like I perched out over the rocks, the sea slammed home below us. Moonlight trickled  through shifting clouds and the ragged coast cast shadows long and sharp. Moonbeams lit Johns straining face, he puffed and panted as we sat after the trip from the car.

"You are so outta shape"

"You're still pretty fucking heavy and it's a-ways up here you know! There now, sit and wrap the blanket round ya" He immediately turned and lit a smoke, taking a few steps forward to lean over the railing that protected us from falling into the sea.

His posture was such that I could just make out the lines of his face, the placement of his feet gave off a whole feel of nonchalance but, as I have known him for so very long, I could tell, just from the way he held the cigarette and dragged on it, that something wasn't right. This wasn't a casual, romantic stop before joining the rowdy bunch of family at home.

"John" I spoke softly and he looked round at me not moving "What's wrong?"

"How do you get 'somethings wrong' from all this" The guitar calloused hands waved around making me look back over the coastline, then he went back to his smoke, sucking on it like there was no tomorrow.

"I know you, remember. It's me, Winks. You are giving off all the right airs of indifference but you're dragging on that smoke of yours like a freight train. That's my clue to your conundrum" I was smiling gently, happy in the knowledge that he was back in my life.

He looked at me again, young John stared back; the one who made me shiver in anticipation to his next romantic overture, the one who gave me love- my first real love. He slowly straightened and walked back toward me, then sat and slid along the seat coming to a rest beside me.

Present John, the one that has caused me heartache and pain and regained my trust sat beside me. He flicked the smoke off to the side and put an arm around my shoulder.

"I have a confession Syd.... One that you're not going to like. Can that, you're going to hate it."

His warm arm was extracted and he put it to his head.

Head in his hands, I ran my fingers  gingerly over my own head. Absent-mindedly forgetting, yet again, that I had no hair. It was cold, I should really have had my scarf....

As if by magic John handed me the scarf that was hidden in his pocket "There ya go... Ok? Want me to tie it" he didn't wait for an answer just taking the material and tying it carefully under my chin.

"I hate that thing, you know, I look like an old granny" I laughed and John eyes flicked up, his eyes locked onto mine and then it hit me; He was going to leave me again. I began tearing up, then hit him, hard. Again and again... and again "You're going!!!!!! Why are you always toying with me like this!! Take me home! Take the sick frail granny home and leave"

I was still hitting and he let me. That was the worst part. He just took it all like he deserved it, like he knew he was in the wrong.

I stopped hitting, well my hits had turned into butter slaps of nothing. I slouched down, emotionally drained and so, so tired from the day and now from this, the realisation of him leaving me.

My fingers tingled.

My head spun like a carousel slowing after a ride.

Lightheadness pulled.

My mind was floating, I was high above myself and then like an eagle swooping on its prey I zoned in and darted towards the earth. As I did so though my thoughts took me back to the afternoon John turned up with Sean:

'I've come to help' ... 'Linda needs a break' ... 'I'm divorced'

As I hovered, suspended in time, my mind cleared, there were no promises.

No 'I'm here forever'.

No 'I love you's'.

It was all me, all my want for the long-lost love between us to come back to life, my hopes, my unconscious and conscious, thoughts of perfection.

I must have fainted, because he was there then, tapping my cheek gently. Then his voice, when I 'awoke', speaking in panic

"Rox. Syd. Wake up, I'm sorry. Please wake up baby. Please. I'm so sorry. Please luv! Just, just...wake up"

"What!??!" I slapped his hand away.

"I think I made you faint" Those puppy dog eyes of his, were so close to my face now.

As he scanned my features making sure I was ok, I wiped away one lonely tear that trailed down his face.

Grabbing my hands in his, he held them to his chest, we were so close in that moment it was almost like another dimension of us. It wasn't romance or love or friendship or even hate, it was one heart, which needed to survive for the both of us.

"Sorry..... I'm ok"

"Are you sure, you were 'gone' you weren't all here, that's for sure" John touched my cheek gently and I flinched away from him "I'm so sorry luv"

"Ok, that's the end of the word 'sorry'. I understand; You were here for Linda, now she's back. I know you're a busy man. Sean obviously has school soon. Thank-you for helping Linda out"

I gulped a little gasp of salty air and focused on the railing, Johns hands held mine but he didn't dare touch my cheek again.

"...Well there they go... Walls up and Rox is locked in to her castle"

"Don't be a smart-arse John, I'm just stating the facts." I continued to let my line of vision travel along the rail towards the streetlight to the far left of where we sat.

"You're shutting up shop and you bloody well know it. Now listen..." John was talking fast, as he was accustomed to do when he had to get his view across, and someone- me usually, wouldn't listen, the anger simmered just below.

I pouted and felt like a brat who was losing a favourite toy.

I ignored.

I shut my eyes.

I willed the earth to swallow me whole.

"Listen would you!"

He grabbed my chin lightly but strong enough to turn my face to his.

"Gee Syd, so stubborn. What am I going to do with you? Ok I have to go, I have previously arranged custody crap to sort"

I went to talk, the hand flew up and stopped me speaking. Finger gentle on my lips.

"I have previously arranged peace rallies to attend with her. I... We can't get out of it. I don't want to cancel it, it's important to me, yeah!?"

I nodded, I knew how much he had been doing, I didn't live in a bloody cave.

"I'm coming back. I would like to try and actually umm, sounds stupid, but actually take you on a date. You know, we seem to just fall into the sack as if there's no tomorrow"

I made a move to speak but the hand flew up again. Finger back shushing me.

"Yes I know I'm irresistible and so tempting to do the horizontal dance with but I need more. I need commitment. I'm not a piece of meat you know"

"That's it? My turn! I have to speak now!"

His hand was trying to wrap around my mouth to shut me up but I bit him lightly bringing an 'ouch' and a waved 'sore' finger in the air.

"You pompous git. Why make this a game, a damn joke. It's not any of those, it's life and I felt, I feel, like mine is slipping away. That's why I threw you into bed. Yes I used you, but you never ever said no"

"Oh, I like that. I could call rape"

"Fuck you, Winks"

"You did already, multiple times.... Haha got ya to crack a smile!" John was tossing the jokes around again, like nothing was off or sour in our weird relationship. Also, another way of his way to cover over his true emotions and feeling.

Turning my head, I wanted to kiss him and hit him and love him and hold him and flick his ear cause he's so annoyingly loveable. But I don't need him to know that, yet.

"OK. If that was all it is- custody, peace rallies with her, school. Why didn't you just say so, I would have understood" I turned around and faced him I wasn't going to miss any more of his emotions that flittered across his normally well sorted, emotionally controlled, face.

"I was scared Rox"

"You. I don't believe you. You haven't been scared a day in your life John Lennon" The wind suddenly picked up and a stray piece of discarded newspaper spiralled around in front of us. I glanced back over at John and my heart beat just a little bit faster and a lump formed in my throat, he wasn't lying at all.

"I was scared you might not........ Shit Roxannn! I was scared shitless you might not...., you know.... you might not be here.... when I got back. That you'd leave me before I ...before I was able to get back... That's why" John held his head in his hands and leaned into me, I was the carer now. "Thats why. God damnit. Fuck!"

"Oh huny, you're not going to get rid of me that easily!" Rubbing John's back, I suddenly realised I have never really had to look after him in this way before. Ok he's had the flu- the man flu where they are 'dying' from a blocked nose, but not the emotional mess of loss or pain, except Brian. 'Eppy's death may have come close, but even then the boys seemed to close ranks and shuffle through the process of grief together.

I got the PG version of the loss he felt from losing his mum Julia, his Uncle George, and Stuart. He had harnessed and contained all those emotions a long time before I stepped foot into his world. I saw residual sadness, I saw fleeting fears but I didnt see scared John, terrified John.

"Hey, up here you! Stop snuffling into my boob" I jiggled him and finally he straightened up and was sat facing me now;

And yes, he was teary.

I wiped all those salty drops away with my thumbs. He obliged me as well, my eyes were leaking too.

I smiled a watery smile to which he returned a slight wobbly one of his own "Look at us, a pair of blubbering idiots! I've got a good feeling about these tests on Monday. I can feel it. Can't you? I feel brighter, less demoralised"

"Yea, You're.... you're.." John spoke but his conviction to the words was lost "...Much better"....

He didn't believe.

Terrified John was terrifying me. My heart broke every time a tear formed and fell from his gorgeous latte orbs. And now, as he snuffled and wiped his nose, squeezing his eyes shut so tight I counted ten times where my heart went boom; and splintered and cracked in quick succession.

He went to lean down over his knees again but I caught him before he could sink down.

"Right John Winston Lennon, that all stops right this minute!! You hear me! I must believe I will get better and if you want it, you have got to believe too! I need as many around me to be strong and positive for when I'm not, for when I'm feeling lost, dejected, morbid and alone. I need you strong, I need you at my back. I need you....And, if you're going to pike on me, well you're best off out of the picture aren't you"

I think I just scared him into waking up to this nightmare and taking a stand with me.

He suddenly stood up and pulled me with him, hugging me so hard I nearly broke in two. Showering me in kisses til I was giggling like a school girl "I love you Syd darlin, never forget that"

"Of course, I won't. I never thought otherwise. And I've always, always, loved you Winks."