Monday-itis

Waking Monday morning I smiled as I watched John sleep peacefully beside me his lips pursed softly and forehead worry free, his cheeks flushed a little. 

I had torn down the wall I had erected in the biggest way imaginable but I didn't feel bad, just content that we were ok. If it lasts, or indeed if I outlast the cancer, we would be right with each other. Friends or lovers, either was ok.

"Wake up sleepy head" I shook the sleeping lump beside me and bounced on the bed. John grumbled and rolled over, an arm slung off the side of the bed and one above his head. "I'm going to make us breakfast and you're going to get up, we need to go down the hospital- Its Chemo day- yay!" I poked John nose "That was sarcasm by the way" 

The lump finally moved and re positioned, a tired face looking at me through half closed eyes, his hair poking out in all directions.

"Well you're happy today, did I release a spring of sweet disposition or something?!" He grinned devilishly at me and grabbed my wrists making me move closer to kiss his lips. "How am I supposed to get you in and out of the hospital with this handsome mug of mine, my luv?"

"Frank's down in Linda and Paul's room" I got gingerly off the bed and grabbed the glasses and plates from yesterday.

"Frank?"

"You remember.... Frank!" I laughed and walked out to the kitchen.

"Frank? Oh Frankkkkk - the moustache and hat disguise from years ago!?!! Geez is he even sterile? Between all the years and Paul's chipmunk sweaty face, ewwww .... I wouldn't want to catch anything"

I giggled and continued battling my way toward the kitchen.

We ate breakfast in comfortable silence. I was psyching myself up quietly.

I hated Mondays for what it did to me and my body. John hadn't experienced this yet so this would be an ordeal of sorts for both of us.

"What are you thinking about" John broke into my thoughts and grabbed my hand. "You were staring right through me Syd"

"The chemo, if you need to walk away for some air just go, don't stay and be a trooper. I don't want, or need, you feeling ill or fainting"

"We'll get through it Rox. So, hospital, the chemo, then the doctor will check up with you and more blood test's right?"

I nodded and stood to clear the table.

"Leave that, you go get yourself ready luv"

*********

Frank was handy, no one guessed John was John so he wasn't hassled and we were left to our own devices with only my nurse who inserted the cannula and took a blood sample milling around. A few of the regular staff members only enquired to Linda's whereabouts and who my new helper was, which by now, had morphed into Frank, my close friend.

While I was hooked up with the chemo and turned on, I sat back in the beige day unit chair.

It was in shoddy shape, having seen better days and the handle for the footstool thingy was broken off. We quietly talked about donations and such; I had been donating regularly but nothing like the amount John was talking about pumping into the place.

All the while I was filled with both a juxtaposition of nerves and confidence as the drugs feed into my body. Never a week the same, it's daunting not knowing what the body will decide to do on the day.

John, sorry Frank, was good at first, sitting nicely in a plastic chair near my feet but as the hours wore on he paced, stood at the window going on about the possibility of a storm (Who the f@# cares!), tapped his foot then picking his nails, scratching the now itchy 'frank' on his face, saying 'I'm bored' multiple times plus humming and mumbling about 'bloody doctors', amongst other gloriously, wonderful things that I couldn't give a rat's fat arse about presently.

I clicked my fingers in his face three times before shouting at him for a sick bowl after getting what can only be described as a tsunami tidal wave of nausea.

That's something that can happen without warning and after bringing up my tiny breakfast I was now down to hurling up bile and not much else. John was especially helpful pointing out the blood that I managed to bring up too, running off to get the poor nurse who had spent, what seemed like the best part of a decade explaining earlier what would most likely happen today. One thing being, an empty stomach leading to bloody bile, sorry, blood in the bile.

After I settled down and thankfully finished hurling, John also calmed. Bloods were taken. He sat holding my hand as I dozed and speaking quietly about Sophie, making me smile and think about nice moments I had with her.

"Afternoon Roxan" The doctor on duty woke me up from my siesta "Ok I'll be quick, just let's go through the usual list- how was your week, and any illness about?"

"Normal after chemo tiredness and aches and pains; And illness, my little girl came down ill but she has been taken by Linda on a short holiday to get over it"

"Bloods are still a concern, just keep an eye out for yourself coming down with the same thing as Sophie; in the meantime, take these tablets as a precaution. Any questions? No. Alright then, I'll leave you to get unhooked and back home" The doctor turned about face to leave then returned quickly to stand clutching his notes in front of me "Arr next week major reviews, bloods and CT's, let's hope the results are what we want them to be!"

"Thanks doc, see you then"

Unhooked and wheelchaired to the car, the ride home was silent. I dragged my nails down my arm to distract my thoughts turning too morbid. It didn't help that the grey skies that were now threatening- that storm John mentioned earlier- seemed to belly the grey mood in my head now.

John glanced over, biting his lip, but kept to himself. I fell asleep as we reached the outer suburbs.

*************

Lightning flashed and the thunder woke me, darkness had descended and I couldn't remember getting from the car to the house. The hallway light was a soft glow and I could make out a bowl beside the bed and John, laying on the floor, sound asleep an arm flung over his face.

I rolled onto my side and lay for ages watching his chest rise and fall and his fingers curl and flex in time with his dreams.

I had been staring in a trance and didn't even realise he was awake watching me.

"Don't cry" His voice was low and rumbled through my body, I hadn't even acknowledged the tears that now slid slowly toward my chin. He was kneeling beside me now and we eskimo- nuzzled our noses, closing my eyes from the sight of the pained expression that was washing over his features. I wanted him happy not upset, I did enough of the sad stuff.

After a drink of water, we curled up together in the sheets watching the lightning and just holding each other, John, near whispering the words of 'In My Life' into my hair, his masterpiece of beauty from when he was reaching new heights of insightful, powerful song writing.

"I love that song" I was crying silently as we spooned, his fingers entwined with mine "I'm so drained but my mind is lit up like a bloody streetlight"

"What can I do?"

"You're doing it" I squeezed his arm closer to my body and kissed his cheek as he raised up and over me to check my face. I was holding most of the thoughts inside but he knew my face so well and watched me carefully.

"Do you remember when we first met properly, you treated me like I was the janitor or something!" John changed tack and I silently awarded him my everlasting gratitude.

"Plumber. And you ate all the little cakes!" I giggled at the recollection.

"No I didn't! I ate a couple...Anyway... remember the bag. I smacked you in the face with that bag of lollies, what fun!"

"They went everywhere didn't they, in the tea, in my hair, I thought you were totally barmy" I was trying to see his face and craned my neck but it wasn't any good "Come 'round this side, Winks"

"Awww but I like spooning, ya" He was pouting but I could hear the smile in his voice, he heaved off the bed and circled round the other side climbing in beside me. Wrapping his arms around me, my cheek on his chest "Better?"

"Much.... Thank-you"

"Glad to be of service"

The lightning abated and the heavens opened. Replacing the rumbles and streaks of light with sheets of driving rain slamming into the windows instead. The rhythm of Johns heart lulling me always.

I fell asleep soon after.