Teddy Bears and Raincoats

"Roxan. Follow me please" I don't know why she bothers with the 'follow me please' this is the same old same old. The nurse leads the way and I go through the rituals that plague me every time I go for these check-ups. It's been a few days since chemo so now's the time to check on the progress.

Weight.

Questions on bowel movements or lack thereof.

Try and pee in a tiny bottle- miss, drink another three glasses of water- attempt again.

Blood tests.

More questions on food and general day to day health, fatigue, mental health.

The bloods are rushed tested so the doctor knows the results.

Finally, when he walks in three long hours later I am actually spoken to, not prodded.

"Roxan" The blue medical folder laying on the table is gradually becoming a three inch pile high dossier of my life, full of all my near misses and chemo moments "Bloods are a bit of a concern. The white cells are very low, we need to do a course of antibiotic and no, I repeat no, sick people around you! If they are in the house, I want you out of it, here in a hospital bed. Am I clear!" I nod and roll my eyes and he frowns, he is used to the grumpy patients and I have turned into one of them. "Linda?"

"No, no illness. I'll be going away for a few days but I will pass on your notes to the assistant taking over." I snorted "I can come back if needed" Linda smiles at me and grabs my hand in hers 'this will be ok' squeezes through our fingers.

"I want to see you at Chemo next Monday- correct? Run those bloods again." The doctor shuts the file and stands waiting for me to follow suit, we leave and I feel weary, it's been a long day and now to go home to the new, snort, 'assistant' and the possible fact that Paul has organised a quick getaway and the bags will be sat waiting at the door. I'm doomed.

*

"I don't think I can do this without you" I'm standing at the door just about to go inside, whispering so no one inside hears my misgivings.

"It will be ok"

"Monday, I have to go back Monday, Linda!" I hissed quietly.

"I'll be back by then. You'll be ok, stop panicking Rox."

"How can I not. This is John you're leaving me with!"

"He's a grown man, he has seen everything of yours before,  so this won't be too much for his eyes and if it is well boo- bloody-hoo, too bad!"

"I don't want him seeing 'everything'. Shit Linda, get a nurse or something, please!"

"Why are you two huddled outside the door whispering angrily at each other?" John whispers through the screen and both Linda and I jump back in surprise.

"How much?" I question John and he knows exactly what I mean.

"Most of it, was heading for a smoke and you two sort of stopped my progression out the door"

"Though you didn't say anything did you..... a cough to alert those in deep conversation that you were right there!!"

"Well no, where's the fun in that Roxan. Though, I will say I am deeply hurt that you don't trust my abilities" John has his nose pushed on the flyscreen.

"Let us in Mister Eavesdropper, will you" Linda has had enough of the petty back and forth of my grumpily whispered words so flicks Johns nose through the flyscreen, it does the job and she is off to relative safety inside with Paul.

The conversation is dropped til the children are in bed and Linda and Paul have left us alone.

Sure enough, Paul comes through, they're off to Palm Springs for a wee hol-i-day, with a phone available nearby I am assured.

*******

"So..." John wanders into the bedroom as I sit in front of the mirror surrounded by lights. Lights that would usually help me with applying makeup but now only seem to highlight the tiredness, black panda circles surrounding my eyes and lack of hair on my head. "Anything need doing Rox....."

"No all fine here thanks, I'm just going to comb my... scrub that, no hair" I'm being a bitchy beast, feeling sorry for myself "I'll be fine, good night John"

As he leans against the door frame not moving I raise a nearly hairless eyebrow at him which he sees in the mirror. Still he stands shifting from foot to foot as he hovers like a fly that I need to swat. "I thought we could.... talk" He makes a move for the end of the bed and sits just on the end, ready to take off if I get angry.

Picking up a book from the side table I have a gander at the back cover, it's a soppy romance, not something I want to read currently so I toss it back for another day. As I tug off my jumper I sit on the bed, John had quickly pulled back the blanket and sheets so I gave him a saccharine smile that hardly reached my eyes.

"I just need sleep ok. I'm sorry. The hospital you know, drags on forever and a year" I leave it at that and lie down closing my eyes, I really need to talk to him, he is supposed to be 'Linda' for the weekend he needs to know 'stuff'. I feel the sheet being pulled up to my shoulders and smile wearily at the room "Thanks Winks, really"

"Can you tell me about the hospital today?" John somehow has positioned himself beside me up on his elbow. I know this 'cause I childishly took a peek through partially closed eyes.

I matched his stance up on elbow leaning on my side to face him, we are close and I can feel the pull between us; the pull of his aura to me, but alas, I resist; instead I'm offering up the diary of my disgusting day "Weights and measures, needles for bloods, peeing in a jar, waiting, waiting and more waiting" I roll my eyes at that and he chuckles "So..... then to see the doctor who asks bulk nosey questions am I tired, have I pee'd red-pink-orange, have I pooped hard firm or loose- ugh; blah blah blah and then the blood report, this is no good tut tut, white cells are up. I'm not to be in contact with any sick people, if the kids get sick I have to go to hospital blah blah, blah de blah"

"I've been told at times I'm a sick puppy" He laughs as I try and keep a straight face.

"Well I knew that! You and that warped sense of Lennon 'humour' a natural repellent to many" We smile and become quiet, just checking each other out while pretending not to check each other out, I sort of gaze past him at the picture hanging behind his right shoulder and he is overly interested in the blank wall over mine.

"You got old"

"You got bald"

"Hey that's a result of cancer mate not from being old!"

We tossed a few barbs back and forth and I must have yawned repeatedly cause he finally got the hint "Well I'll leave you to sleep........ good night"

"Night" The light was turned off and he was gone. Left alone again in the darkness. Left alone to my headful of illogical thoughts and scenarios of the weekend spread before me... and possibly a nightmare or two for good measure.

And so Friday stretched into Saturday. And it was ok... no really, it was nice.

John was, I hate to admit it, great. Very kind and considerate, wonderful at keeping the kids amused, well that wasn't so hard when he himself was the biggest kid going. We spent hours on the beach laying on towels, me wrapped in colourful blankets and the kids building sandcastles or chasing around playing cricket; my face, at times, was aching from grinning at them playing together so well.

"Your head is all scratchy and prickly, but some hair is long" Sean stood at my head stroking his hand across my skull. I had removed the scarf that I usually had in place when I go outside.

"Sean come here" John called the little fellow away with an apologetic face.

"No. It's ok, isn't it Sean, I like a massage every now and then!"

Sean smiled at me as he tickled my head and I tickled his tummy which made him jump around, but still he rubbed and patted my head. John grinned at Sean, and my, interaction.

"Are you sick?" Sean sat beside me and looked into my face squinting to see if he could see the illness "My friend at school, her dad was sick and had a scratchy head. I don't see him any more though"

I was hoping he meant he didn't see him anymore because Sean was here but my heart was beating hard because of the fear of the other scenario it could be. "I am sick but I have lots of tablets and special medicine"

Sean nodded solemnly but Soph had heard it all, she walked over from her sandcastle. Ever the straight one, she called a spade a spade "Mummy might die"

Heartbeats passed and my heart broke in pieces of shattered dreams and missed moments as her little face crinkled up and the tears started to fall as she sinks into my lap.

"Sophie look at me. Sophie look at me!" I was being bossy but I had to get her to focus and listen to me "Mummy IS sick and yes, it is bad BUT I am fighting, my body is fighting too! I do what the doctors says and he gives me that special strong medicine at the hospital"

"But that makes you even sicker, mummy" Sophie is blubbering again and I try to not start my own stream of tears to join her.

I never out and said what was wrong with me, but kids are smart. They sense the danger, the illness, the pain. They sense more than know what Mummy is thinking, feeling or seeing in her minds eye.

John offers a hand to take her but I need to hold her.

"Yes, it does make me very sick and tired and grumpy" I tickle her to perk her up a little "But it is so special it needs to do those things to work in my body. Do you understand, the more I get sick after that medicine the more it is working!"

Sophs big eyes are red and filled with tears but she is holding onto my words as I hug her and kiss her over and over. Sean holds her hand and mine and we all cuddle, even John joins us looking over our little creation's heads at me, his latte eyes red, and glassy tears shine and glisten within...

*************

"Knock knock" John stands in my room back to the door holding it closed by leaning against it "We have a problem"

"What time is it?" I'm being random my mind flicking off and on like a neon light in Times Square.

"Arrr about 6.30" He pushes off the door and quickly sits on the bed next to me "Sophie has a temp and is sniffling"

"Ohhhh"

"Yea, ohhh"

"I don't want to go to hospital but I have too" I start to get myself moving to get out of bed but John holds my arm gently.

"You don't have to. I called Linda earlier to see what she thought. Paul's coming to get Sophie and Sean. They're to have a 'holiday' with uncle Paul and Auntie Lin"

"NO! Linda's supposed to be having a break with her own family John! And now she will have a sick little girl. Its not fair on Lin she does so much! Sophie won't want to go either"

"It's too late Paul will be half way here by now Syd; and yes, Sophie is as excited as she can be, made her brighten up considerably, she wants to see her cousins"

Paul arrived and was in the house moving around, ducking his head in and out a few times. I am quarantined to my bedroom for the time being, then he finally arrives at my door, entering finally to say ta-rah.

"Hey beautiful. Well, we're all set. We'll stay at the Springs til the illness is gone. Ok?...." I'm upset, the nod obviously tainted and teary with the facts of the situation; and Paul pouts sadly for, and with, me "It'll be fine ya' know, Lins stoked to spend time with all of 'em. Well.... Righteo! cars packed, kids have a few fruity snacks. All sorted" Paul comes closer and sits on the bed leaning in close to give me a big wonderful bear hug.

Now my tears break free and he is helpless to stop them, I'm blubbering and trying to be quiet not to upset Sophie "I can't even kiss her goodbye" I blubber again and Paul is hugging me close when John walks in.

"What's this then, tears for Paulie" John stands hands on hips, trying to put some jokes into the room.

"Cant. Give. Soph. A hug" I break again and hang on to Paul for dear life. My nose is running and I'm a bag of mess. Tears raining and Paul hugging.

John softens his stance and has a brainwave "Listen Rox, how about we open up this door 'ere and Soph does a wave and air kisses from the living room you can both see each other then"

"That sounds bloody marvellous, hey Rox!" Paul shook me a little and pulled me away from him, kissing my forehead, John trying to smile happily over his shoulder, but a sliver of jealousy is shining in his eyes.

So, that's what we did.

Sophie sent dozens of air-kisses and I caught them all.

Clutching the invisible snippets of love to my heart.

I must have sent back thousands more, cause in the end, she got bored and hightailed it off to the car. Paul beeping the horn til I couldn't hear them any longer.

"Alright there, Syd?" I stayed on the bed, not moving or attempting to get up, just wanting to wallow in my sorrow and, of course, the bed was warm and cosy. John wandered away but was back in seconds with juice and toast, patiently waiting for me to squiggle up the bed to devour them. The empty dishes placed on the bedside table with only a solitary crust sitting amongst the crumbs.

I moved down the bed and tugged the sheets back, John took the invitation and climbed in rather fast.. fully clothed, his jeans feeling hard and rough against my legs "Take the jeans off, Winks"

"What?!?! So you can have you devilish way with me! I'm shocked" John held his chest in mock shock horror but very swiftly clambered out of the bed to strip down to boxers "Should I... you know. Get protection?"

"John if you're going to be like this just get out. I haven't the patience"

As he huffed and headed towards the door I almost called him back but then he turned on his heel laughing, and jumping back in beside me pulling the covers up to both our chins. He was soon snuggled, very close, with me.

We stayed pretty much like that all of Sunday til teatime.

As I showered and daydreamed about a life that wasn't mine anymore, he played domestic goddess and made a barbeque chicken and mango salad.

Deciding to put a dress on, I finally found one I liked that didn't hang off me like a potatoe sack and headed for the door. Strolling into the kitchen I was met by a candle-lit table, juice in wine glasses and the yummy salad. Smitten by the lovely scene, I smiled my appreciation, the man that grinned back was ecstatic that I didn't grumble and moan at his presentation.

"You look pretty, Roxan"

"Thank-you. The table looks lovely. Thank-you for spoiling me with this"

"You should be spoilt Syd, always"

I made a fuss with the napkin because this was all too much, too good, too perfect, too easily taken away....I let John lead me away from my confused thoughts, the conversation turned to kids and life, nothing too heavy.

As dinner cleared, we continued talking over the washing up then sat chatting on the lounge. I didn't want to stop talking, the years fell away and we were an old married couple again, content in each others company. John made cocoa and we reminisced about the Australian tour and finally, after hours and hours of words, we called it a night. As I made to grab my pyjamas John was still heartily telling stories stood at the door and hovered as I got into bed, making sure I was comfortable.

"Well goodnight Syd, was a nice evening, eh!?" As he turned to leave I called him back. I wasn't sure if he knew I would or he really was just going to walk away.

"Grab your teddy-bear and pj's and get in here, Winks" I was patting the bed covers beside me, still unsure if I was doing the right thing, but the words were out in the world now.

He rushed over and gave me a grateful swifty snog and fled out the door "John" I yelled after him, he was already down the hall. "Grab a raincoat too, yeah"

The hollered 'woohoo' that erupted from the other end of the house would have woken the dead and he wasn't too quiet as he barrelled back into the room holding my bright yellow raincoat making me laugh so hard I bumped my head on the bed head. A little foil packet was then produced as he lept into the bed beside me.

We were up late, John had put on the real raincoat when things first heated up making us both crack up, I think he was enjoying me smiling at him and no one else. His foil 'raincoat' was used too, then we slept nestled in each other's arms, legs entwined. And I wasn't confused anymore.