Mornings are always Brighter.

I must have slept because just like that a new day appeared, sunshine streaming into the room, children giggling and laughter drifting through the open window. I shift my stiff muscles and try and doze a little more.

"Morning" John speaks and I jump what feels like a foot but more than likely only millimetres. I have, again, forgotten. The night, the nightmares it brought and the moments before I went back to sleep flood back and I groan loudly. "Are you ok there!? Sick?"

"I'm ok except for the guy spooning me presently" As I groaned, John had rolled over and was very comfortably settled behind me. Suitably conscious of EVERY inch of his body touching me I was a little nervous about his intentions.

"Right, I'll sort out those noisy lot, do you want some breakfast? Sorry nurse Linda didn't leave notes on all the ins and outs of tending to your every need" John rolled off the bed and stood at the door of my small bathroom then darted off to tend his own needs first. Silently I thanked him for not 'trying something on' me this morning. It was way too soon.

Gazing at the ceiling it suddenly hits me. What I was actually saying to myself?!

Too soon, too soon for what?!!!

Hell!? Am I actually contemplating 'John'- again!

I am a glutton for punishment aren't I!

But then again, it's John- no one else has held these powerful feelings over me like he has- not power as in mean or bullying, just an intensity of emotions that I always seem to let bubble up when he makes an appearance, no matter what he does I always seem to be willing to cut him a break, forgive.

Do I forget too easily. Always allowing repeats in this 'life relationship' that is between us.

"What cha' thinking about?" He is casually leant against the doorframe smiling indulgently at me. He's so gorgeous; tousled hair, 2 day growth an' all.... I guess my face ran a gamut of emotions as I searched for answers for now, he pushes away and comes to hover over me. "Not triple guessing my intentions again are you?"

"Well yes... and no" I squint at his face, realization dawning "You have contact lens in again!!" I knew something was different because he could see me from the door way but it didn't hit me til now. He started wearing them in '65 but he was a dead set git, his bobbly eyeballing when he was being a loon or angry made them fall out, constantly.

It was forever 'Rox stop by the optom and get another lot of contacts luv' cost a damn fortune they did.

"Don't change the bloody subject and yes thank-you. I'm trying to wear contacts again, don't you go running your mouth to Macca now! .... He'll probably call me vain or something in one of his mundane songs about pigs or rams or lambs or some twat rubbish"

"Hey, I heard that!" Paul was paused with his hand about to knock on the open door, mug of coffee cradled in his other hand. "Now who's the vain one thinking I write all my songs about you, John. Now, come to think of it, John through the looking lens- catchy. Linda get me note pad hun!"

"Oh shut the f-"

"John...." Paul chides. "children are present"

It's light and teasing banter, I hope they keep it that way.

"Sorry... shut up Paulie"

"I just came with coffee for the beautiful Mademoiselle" His gorgeous eyes and smile meet mine, his happiness was radiating from every pore, John couldn't have put him a bad mood even if he tried. He took a step into the room.

"Oh Paul, I'm sorry I can't stomach that stuff with all these meds-" Linda snuck in and silently replaced the coffee in his hands with a juice.

"Ummm, yes... Juice for the Mademoiselle!" Paul tried again as we both smiled at the quick and sleathy replacement service by Linda.

I drank my juice like a good girl for Linda, it was our daily ritual which hadnt changed in the slightest just because a half a mob of Beatles were standing around like..... Like they couldn't decide on a bloody guitar chord! Now that used to take bloody hours that- bloody torture for those watching from from the sidelines!

"Right you, up for some breakfast" Linda leaned over and helped my sore body move. The ache goes away after a bit of movement but early on in the day I feel old and slow. "Out you two, throw your tantrums somewhere else!"

The boys quickly disappear and we are alone, the silence deafening now.

"They won't fight, will they?" I ask as we tussle with the sheets.

Linda shakes her head slowly no then yes, then shrugs- not a help she is!

"And by breakfast, you actually mean get up for loads of horrid meds, liquid and pills, and a small piece of toast!" I smile at my mate, she has been my saviour throughout all this and I really don't know how I will be able to ever repay her.

Linda looks tired, maybe she has been for a while and I have ignored her needs, being selfish to my own.

"You should go away" I pause and she looks at me blankly, so I continue on, not really knowing what I was saying "Maybe some holidays with Paul and the kids"

She considers the idea for a total of two seconds then one word pops out "NO!" As we fix my makeup (I look like death if I don't, and we have 'visitors') she reiterates "... I can't, I have you to look out for"

"John" We both look as surprised as each other when that pearler came out of my mouth "I really do not know where that came from"

"Neither do I!" But she is considering it, her eyes alight with internal musings.

"I had a mild mad moment and that was a really, really mad notion!" I'm clawing to get free of my own suggestion.

"You know... I think he could do ok. He was good last night, in the bathroom" She is sniggering but her eyes are staring into mine, considering...

"Maybe I should, or could, get a nurse" This is something that was offered up in the early days after the surgery, by the medical team. Linda had flown off the handle saying she will do it and I had scoffed about never needing nursing ever; I would never need any help- what a fool I was!

"A nurse, and what about Sophie? Shall I help organise a full-time nanny in for her too?" Linda flops down beside me on the bed as I struggle with my coral coloured sandals, offering her hand to do up the straps. "I like that dress on you, doesn't make you look anorexic"

"Well thanks for the backhanded compliment Lin!" Sandals lashed, I am motoring now and almost flounce out of the bedroom, but its more flub than flounce and Linda giggles and smirks as she trails after me.

"She called me anorexic! Bloody cow" I'm tossing my hands around manically overacting at the teasing. Upon seeing Paul I return his smile then grab his toast and sit down at my small mountain of pills. Green, yellow, blue and white, big, small and huge. Little vials of liquid doses of horrid tasting stuff too. Huffing at the disgusting pile, I reach for a green one first.

"Well you have lost a bit of weig-"Paul sees the scowl upon my face and smartly clams up.

"We were joking! I am anorexic, haven't been this light since I was 7 years old probably. And you never ever say anything about weight to a girl Paul, geez how did you survive to your current age without knowing this!"

"It's getting on. Your appointment is at 10.30" Lin ignores Pauls and my banter, she's too busy fussing with the bags of trash and cleaning the benches as she sorts the kitchen.

"Sit Linda, they always make me wait ages. Tea and toast, come on you need to eat something too!"

Linda grabs a stool by the bench and sits beside me, Paul is sorting a cuppa and toast.

"He's quite handy for breakfasts..." She smiles at her husband and runs a finger up his arm. She has missed them all, and I am the cause.

"Go"

"What?" Paul raises that eyebrow of his. His face shifts to a grin and I remember a Paul from the early days. Every girl's dream and I have to giggle, he is a handsome devil still, I sigh then put a hand on my chin, my elbow on the bench watching him move about my kitchen.

John huffs from somewhere behind me.

"She wants me to go on a short holiday with you and the kids for a bit. Get away from her before we kill each other" Linda is staring straight at John as she speaks making sure he gets the undercurrent of where the conversation seems to be heading. He doesn't let her down.

"Yea go Macca take the lovely Linda away for a break. I can cope with princess here. Maybe you can write a thousand love songs, or perhaps just three... about me" John meets my gaze and smiles but I only grimace. This is all of my own making all of this, and now, I have to accept the consequences, whatever they may end up to be.

Paul in his wisdom chooses to ignore Johns barb about his love songs. I love them by the way, Linda's a lucky girl "Appointment ladies?"

"Oh yea, let's go Roxy.. we'll be back by dark if the doctor decides to show up" Linda snogs Paul as I call Soph and give her a kiss and a cuddle, a little wave for Sean, kisses for the Lin's girls and John walks us to the car.

"Should I go too?"

"Ummm John Lennon at cancer clinic at a major L.A. hospital, probably not. The press was bad with Linda to start with but they laid off. It's ok now but you, no... better not"

"Yea best not. Completely right, I suppose" John turns on his heel but not before I glimpse something in his eyes. Was it pain, remorse or guilt?

He is gone, and we need to go as well.