Returning

Sophie ran away quickly toward the beach, I was left behind, still on the deck rugged up like it was a deep Siberian winter when, in fact, it was a balmy and warm spring day. The sun shone down, blue skies abounding.

"Its not even summer and I'm hot as a scorpion on a rock in the Sahara" Lin stated as she looked out toward the beach after my little rascal."...How are you even cold, hun?"

"It's my heart. Frigid like an icicle, seeps everywhere" I grinned up at my friend, my nurse, my anchor "See this" I held up my finger "Cold enough for an eskimo to borrow to clean his ear without flinching"

"Gotta dash, she's hit the damp sand!" Linda ran down after Soph, my little whirlwind of energy. Soph wouldn't go in the ocean alone but she would start digging in the moist sandcastling sand.

I must have fallen asleep as the gate buzzer scared the bejeezers out of me. Jumping from the start, I hopped up quickly, head spinning from my blood pressure hitting somewhere low down near my toes. Once steady, I glanced at the clock above my head. Paul wasn't flying in til tonight, and anyway, he barges straight in. No gate buzzers for him!

Wrapping my blanket round my shoulders I shuffled through the house.

"Hello" I croaked into the small intercom on the wall, trying to calm my still wildly beating heart from the scare of waking with a fright.

Nothing, no one spoke "Hello?"  I muttered again

Ugh, so rude. Must have been someone pranking the neighbourhood residents. I turned about to go back out to the lovely warm pile of blankets and pillows on the verandah. Stuff the rude ignorant pig who pressed the buzzer.

"It's me"

Well that was enough said wasn't it- two words. It was indeed, a rude ignorant pig.

And now I want to break the intercom off the wall and throw it in the trash!

"Let me in Syd"

'Why should I' I wasn't talking into the intercom just to the empty room.

He was back, no word in two months, and I'm supposed to let him in, just like that!? Like I'm not annoyed or hurt.

"Syd. Please let me in, I have someone who wants to meet you" John tapped the intercom like it was a drum kit, probably trying to annoy me with the noise, it was almost working.

I pressed the (still intact) intercom button "Stop tapping. Who do you think you are? Richard?" Releasing the button I plonked down on the couch in the lounge room, rubbing my eyes and face in frustration with him.

I would have pulled on my hair, if I had any left...

He said someone wants to meet me.... 

Suddenly, I'm annoyingly intrigued, I pushed wearily back up off the couch and went into Linda's room. I can sometimes see the gate from here if the plants and hedge have been trimmed.

Who was with John? I can't see, do I let him in to cure my curiosity then kick him out? Haha, Karma's a bitch Lennon.

I shuffle slowly back toward the intercom and the entry button looms into view.

"Press the damn button Rox. I know you're staring at it!" John has my number yet again, why am I so easily read by him? See through even.

I press the 'damn button' and walk back out through the back door to the verandah, my blankets beckoning me. So warm; So, so warm. 

I am finally settled and can hear the door swinging open and a little person talking, a child.... a boy... Sean?!

"Well, where are you then?" John bellows rudely.

"Out here, princess"

"Well that's bloody loverly, ain't it...." John bangs through the doors onto the verandah like he owns the place and I must smile, his face, taking in the view of my head, devoid of hair, is comically funny.

"Wow um how ya doing Kojak"

He is quick to pick himself up from the stunned fish face he wore moments ago.  'The joker' grin appears as he walks over to run a hand over my rough stubbly head "You look like me- circa 1970!"

"Who is this handsome little boy then?" I smile sweetly at the shy little boy, the smile hiding my annoyance at John and his hand rudely touching my skull. I'm craning to catch a glimpse of Sean who is hiding behind his daddy's legs.

"Well I do try" John gushes, licking his finger to flattening down his eyebrows, pouting stupidly for mock lipstick application, effectively crashing my conversation with Sean, trying to make me smile at him. 

I ignore him A-gain and he pokes a tongue out at me, I return the favour.

"I meant Sean! Your daddy is very silly, Sean" I smile at the boy and he smiles tinidly back, looking from his dad to me and back again.

"There's the beach, daddy!!" Sean suddenly squealed, jumping up and down, grabbing at John and nearly dragging him down the stairs the instant he spots the waves through the dunes and trees.

"Ok, ok, steady lad! I'll be back Rox, Linda's down there I take it?" John's eyes search my face as he speaks, I nod and lay back closing my eyes listening as the porch is moved across, knowing, where every step he takes, is placed.

"Don't hurry John, you aren't needed here" Waving him off with a flick of the wrist, I am being bitchy and rightly so. I daren't look at his face, I will crack if I do and I don't want to.
I need to be mean to keep him away from my heart.

Think icicles and eskimo's, Roxan.

Again I doze, it's mostly what I do these days, a sloth in human skin. Grabbing the blanket, dragging it up to my chin, I shudder at the very slight breeze blowing.

I usually love the gentle salty air on a sunny afternoon such as this; now it only feels like shards of ice hitting my face. Perhaps the sunset will warm me when it hit's the porch in an hour or so.

"Rox are you awake?" John is leaning in close, over the top of me. I jump startled and nearly hit him in the chin. Probably deserves being head slammed, the scouse flake.

"No, I'm not awake, go away" I try to ignore his warm breath on my cheek, I swat at him to get him away, he ignores me as usual, something John of old would always do to get a rise out of me.

He smells of my Winks too, it's his scent, his intoxicating mix of mint and Camel cigarettes .. and him.

Stupid thought really.

What else would he smell of, roses and chocolate, New York dumpster and hot dogs.

Kippers and Beer perhaps....

I internally giggle.

I finally decide to start speaking to him again.

"Really? No sign of you in ages. No word and you waltz in here like I should run and get you tea and snacks for your hallowed return"

"You look beautiful with your short 'do. Bit like back in Liddypool, luv" John whispers, pecks my cheek and still, with eyes closed, I sense him backing away. The swing chair groaning under the new weight settling down on it "I'll oil this tomorrow"

"Tomorrow you will be on a plane back to New York" I daren't open my eyes, they always tell the truth of my thoughts, like the useless poker player I am.

I don't trust my heart or my mind- they are quarrelling over John and my eyes are the portrait of their thoughts. "I'll get Paul to do it, he will be here soon"

"Really, I had no idea" John's sarcasm drips and splatters from his lips. I sense a little hurt from the way the words tumble out of his mouth.

"What's that supposed to mean"

"Well he fucken lives here doesn't he, are you both his ladies of the night?" John's words cut through the air like a knife, jealousy isn't one of his most openly shown moods but I can feel it here as the words hang between us.

I leave him to stew a bit before I bother to reply.

And a little longer.

Maybe a moment more. There now, he should be ripe for picking on now!.....

"You're just a big bloody child, you are! Paul is like a brother to me John, and you know it! He and Linda are my family but if we decided that was a convenient arrangement that you suggested, I'm sure we could accommodate each other nicely!"

I poked my tongue out and opened my eyes a slit, just to see what emotions scuttle across his face, he looked sick. "For Christ sake John, you can't just roll up anytime you like and think I'm going to be sitting around waiting for you"

Well I am sitting around, but I'm not waiting for him!

I'm not!

"I needed to see you AND I have been keeping tabs on you, with Linda, you'll be pleased to know" I can hear the chair groaning again but in relief this time.... John is on the move. He paces the long verandah, holding a hand up to the window of my room looking in.

"Do you mind!" I try and throw my least favourite pillow at him but it hits the wall above my head, a 'big' throw of one and a half foot. Energy sapped, I bang my hand down on my lap, useless nincompoop that I am!

"Just aaaarrrr!.... what is it John!? I can't do this right now; can't you see that"

John paces around down the other end of the verandah. As I watch him I feel myself crumbling thinking that I'm wasting time that I may not have. Missing monents of his touch and I pinch my arm, cursing quietly. Now there will be another bruise.

Whenever he needed an answer to a hard decision he walked.

Around the bedroom, up and down stairs, the back garden, the block, the nearby park, the hall at Abbey Road studios would surely have dents from his Cuban boot track marks. Here, it was my verandah getting the trudging march.

He spins on his heel, ok, so he now has sorted his brain and is going to tell me his thoughts.

Yay- not.

Suddenly, with no decorum, he flops down at my feet, sitting on the edge of blanket dragging it south away from my chin, I tug it back up. Noticing how cold I'm feeling he gazes at me for a millisecond before jumping up and taking a seat beside me.

"Sorry Rox love, can I warm you up a bit, hug you darlin" John doesn't wait for a response and places a gentle arm around my shoulders, I, the silly pitiful girl I am, snuggle into his warmth. Greedily taking his heat. He drags the blanket up again to cover my neck, circling it, wrapping it tightly to my body.

"Don't get comfortable Lennon" I try and be mad and push him away and gobble his warmth all in one movement. I push again but he stays put "Shall I page Linda to take care of the trash"

"Well I see the ol' tongue can still give a lashing, good to see" John repositions slightly to take in my new look, casting his eyes all over my face, not a detail missed. Not the dry cracked lips or the red eyes or the hollows of my cheeks.

His arm circles me. Strong, deliciously warm and safe. No, not safe, nothings safe with John Lennon around.

My heart, my soul, are all at his mercy.

Still clutching the blanket to me, I am a pin cushion, a bruised and needled pin cushion " What have they done to me beautiful girl... I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were being battered about so much by all this"

"Don't. Just don't be nice and definitely John, I mean definitely, I don't want any pity from you" I swipe a tear and internally scream at myself: stop being so soft  "Why? Why now? Why with Sean?....To rub in that you have a lovely life, darling wife that let's you do as you like 'oh yes John you must go see the dying ex, haha'....I can't take this. The walking in and out"

"I'm divorced, we're done. OK!? Happy now?!" John took his warm arm away, leaned over, elbows on knees, hands on his head rubbing his hair angrily, and what could have been swiping a lone tear away.

I re-assessed him. Closely. Taking the time to really see him. 

Sure it was John but this John was tired, deflated even, his already slender frame even less. I should have realised but my own problems had been bound tighter that a constricting bandage.

"Why would I be happy John.." I let my hand touch his shoulder sympathetically "There is a little boy down on the beach going to miss a parent, have half a family, half the love in his home- all the time" I jiffle around, turning my body toward him, trying to make myself comfortable and stay warm at the same time "I'm sorry for your pain but I can't be a strong shoulder for you John, not at the moment, you understand that, right? Just look at me, I'm a mess"

John looked around turning slightly so we were knee to knee, facing me completely. Instinctively we both surrender to a hug, just holding each other, no words spoken. No words required. It was so quiet I could hear the kid's laughter carry up on the breeze from the beach.

I was warmer now, not just from John but my body had pushed over that particular hurdle that presented every time after I had chemo.

"I've come to look after you..." I must have frowned but he held my hand "Yes, I know Rox, Linda's here, but she needs a break with Paul and her kids. I want to do this for you, for what we were together, for whatever happens in the future...... for my friend. That's what we were- are. Underneath all this, underneath all the heartache and pain. I'm still Winks and your still....... You're still Syd" He whispers the words, hushed and quiet and I tried, I really tried, not to latch on to any of them, but all I ended up doing was clutching onto his shirt, leaning into his chest; a lacklustre feeble punch or two slapped into him haphazardly for good measure.

"Well I see you two are, ummm mmmm, chummy, getting back in touch. Come on kids, let's go get icecream!!" Linda tumbled the kids into the kitchen before the scene of their dad and I dawned on them. Poking her head back out the door "You remember I've got an appointment at the airport, right!?"

"Yes of course, I'll sort the munchkins out. You go get dolled up for our Paulie" I smiled through my tears, I still don't really understand if they are tears of happiness, loss, promise, or sheer tiredness with the whole situation, with this thing eating my body.

John gives me one more gentle and tender squeeze and moves slowly out of my embrace, walking down to the garden for air. My shirt was damp, his eyes had sprinkled a little too. He always collected himself pretty quickly though, so was storming up the steps purposely again, within minutes

"I'll sort the littlin's, Linda. You go get 'our Paulie' and this girl, shall what....?" He smiled down at me from the doorway sweetly, awaiting a reply.

"I shall have a bath"

"And she will need a light meal, John. Salad or grilled salmon or both, ok?" Linda watched as I stumbled up and out of the chair steadying myself on the wall as I righted "You're ok for a bath? It's not the right day in the chem-cycle, Roxan"

"Don't fuss mother, I'll be fine. You go get the cute one and who? I forget. Stella? Mary?"

"All of them. I told you, silly" The look that passed between the two carers was unmistakable- 'yes she forgets stuff.'

"Well I'm glad you two have pre-organised some sort of coded eyeball language because I would never have guessed without seeing it for myself"

"Don't be like that Rox, sarcasm is ugly on you" Linda checked on the ice-cream eaters, they were licking bowls clean happily.

I grabbed Linda by the beach towel she had tied around her waist "Lin, why didn't you just tell me he had been ringing. I would have got you to tell him some absolute corkers. Made him really feel guilty" John huffed and pushed through the door towards the kids and I took off at my snails pace toward the bathroom.

"Leave the door unlocked sweetie!!" Linda singsonged. She still took charge... even when I was being a cow. "Love you, see you soon hun!"

"Love you too...Remember -Dont try pashing too much while driving along the freeway"

"You know me. Safety first, we'll pull over"

"For gods sake, remember the kids are in the backseat"

"Blindfolds - check! Byeeee"

"Byeee"

John waited us out and as Linda finally debunked he had his little dig "You two are right weird... You know that right?"

I just shut the bathroom door with a smile.