Cutting Deep

It was all arranged, Paul needed to fly home to Scotland with the children for school and Linda stayed to help... and John, well he was worse than me, panicky and morose.

I had been correct in my assumptions, the doctor's appointment confirming the worst. Linda holding my hand as we waited for the doctor to read and reread his notes.

"The two lumps need to go ASAP, the needle biopsy shows cancer cells. I've booked you in for surgery at the LA Cancer Memorial Hospital for tomorrow.... I know its sudden but I stress this to you now Roxan, time is of the essence. Take these forms with you, 7am pre-op, fasting overnight, pack for a week"

And with that I was back in the car, numbly sitting beside Linda, not realising she would face the same thing years down the track.

We pulled in through the gates and parked, neither of us moving for a long time. 

Linda removed her seatbelt first, leaning over to me, hugging me with love and hope, I hugged her back not wanting to let go. "Come on, let's go inside get a cold drink, maybe take Sophie to the beach"

Oh my god, Sophie" My tears fell then, I had been holding them in, being the strong one, I never considered the future, a future with cancer. I was only worried about the appointment today- Sunday. Now it was real, in my face, my future. I broke down again.

"Hey, Syd let's get you to your room for a kip" John was dragging me off Linda and picked me up in one motion carrying me bridal style into my bedroom "Shhhh, Sophie's watching telly" 

He slid me down onto the bed trying to take a step away, I latched onto him, he had no choice but to lay beside me on the bed with me hugging him like a tree, legs over his, arms tightly around his torso, my face planted in his neck. "Let it all out, Syd. Do it now and then we can get you strong for Sophie"

All my fears and worries flooded from my eyes, silent sobs rattling my body. Questions, so many questions rattling around in my head that I couldn't answer "Will I be here next year, next month. Will I miss Soph growing up?" I wiped my nose I hadn't realised I was, in fact, rambling all of this in Johns ear; quietly but incessantly "Oh my god..... her getting married......"  I sobbed out.

I broke.

My mind raced through Sophie's entire life, love, marriage, children, my grandchildren.

She needs me.

I settled down gulping huge gasps of air, my eyes burned, my head hurt. 

I suddenly realised John was laying there staring into space, I got angry he wasn't paying me attention. I dragged his head around, turning him to face me, staring into his eyes, my retinas burning into his "YOU WILL LOOK AFTER HER" He took my face in his hands and kissed me deeply, the first kiss in years. Following tenderly with kisses to my cheeks and my lips over and over, he didn't speak for the longest time.

"I won't need to. YOU will be here with us. Syd.... I won't... I can't, let you go too" He was remembering his mum, Pauls mum too, Stu, he was as upset as me. 

Deep, and with our emotions heightened, the kisses lingered, explored, delved. The touches and high emotions pulling my brain in an entirely different direction.

Slow dragging promises swept across my skin.

We kept pace til we didn't. 

I kept delving, driving my pain and worries into his lips, lavishing his mouth, taking his soul, wanting everything to disappear.  I wouldn't stop, couldn't; Not in those moments... when he tried to pull away. I couldn't let go, I needed him in the most basic, most primal way. I needed all of him, to take my worries away, to save me.

To save me again.

"Make love to me John" I kissed him again making it hard for him to reply but he did.

"Roxan, we, us, haven't been, you know, this intimate in a while. Perhaps we should hold up, wait a bit til-"

"Now John"

Two words and he let go of the excuses, letting go of his reservations. His nearness filling me with hope and thoughts of the future even if it was a veil to shade the cruel light of day.

My rational mind tried; it tried to creep ever closer but I slammed the door and pushed John on the bed instead. Urgency filled me, pumped my blood hot, my brain melting away to nothing. Sweet nothingness .

A wildfire of need rolled through me, nothing could stop me.

I needed to conquer, to take.

To take everything.

I took him, all of him, my mouth capturing and tight and gave him something intimate to remember me by. He was near the crest of the wave when I released my lips making him grunt out unhappily.

I was crawling over him seconds later and wasted no time in joining us. We were finally together, as one; as we should always have been.

It felt so right, so good. A mistake too most likely yet I flexed, arching over him to hit our spot, the place he had only been in love.

It was fast and frenzied. It was us.

I gasped out his name, it felt and sounded so good falling from my lips. His kisses, the taste of him so familar.

His fingers caressed my back as I lay down on his chest to recover.

As we lay spent my mind was finally calm. Finally quiet.

No regrets, no thoughts of tomorrow. Just us, right now.

I'm not blind you see; I know what will happen, the sands of time will run out in the case of John and I.

I can see the ticking bomb in my mind.

She will call and he will run.

I'll take what I want, cast aside all thoughts of a cosy tomorrow.

For once, I'll be the greedy one in this duel of love, and my life.