Our table was big, full and loud. 

The centre of the universe; front and centre for the awards. Everyone wanted a piece of the Rolling Stones so the flow of traffic around the table was constant, even when the presentations were being made. David Bowie crouched next to Mick while Joni Mitchell sang. Elton John sitting on Keith's lap while a comedian broke up the mundane speeches. Madness but fun.

After the host had a joke and laugh with the crowd he went on to introduce the next presenter. Sitting between us Mick by then had a hand draped over Jerrys shoulder and one over mine. I was happy, a few wines, good conversation and some great music, made the night wonderful. Then it happened.

I hadn't been listening to the intros you know where they say such and such has been awarded two hundred grammys or the other has three dozen golden guitars. Jerry had been telling us of her last trip to England and the horrid lady in Harrods that spilt perfume on her dress. I only zoned in for the last of the introductions, maybe if I had listened closer I could have fled earlier...

"Please put your hands together for our next presenters, Paul Simon and John Lennon!" Huge maddening applause rang throughout the auditorium as the two men stepped out onto the stage. John didn't do this stuff much so it was a big deal he was there and would speak for the first time in what seemed like forever. Mick sensed me readying to flee and held his arm slightly firmer around my shoulder.

"Take it easy baby" His lips brushed my ear "He's up there, you're down here, lots of land between ya both" Mick relaxed a tad and I tried to stand again. He clamped his hand on my shoulder like a vice. Micks lips purring into my ear as John honed in on our table. A smile appeared on seeing his friends "My mousy friend, the big ole kitty cat isn't near you".

John spotted me as he gazed around the table. Eyes on mine he stumbled through the presentation, the award presented, he was then escorted from the stage as was the usual way.

I was ..... I don't know what I was. Numb, anxious, nervous, worried?

"See nothing to worry your little head about. Now we know why the press launched at her anyway" The table erupted with amused laughter.  Jerry looked over with concern then smiled and seamlessly continued making out with Mick.

***********

Air, I needed air but my only place of sanctuary was the loo so I headed towards the restroom along the far-left wall of the room. Potted palms and other green leafy plants hid the walkway that was there. A few clients and friends chatted to me along the way, introductions were made, hugs and a few kisses on the cheek. I tried not to be overly curt but I was in a trance, my body was on fire and I needed some sort of relief, I really didn't want to be there making small talk and pleasantries right now.

I was still in shock for want of a better word. I wanted to see John of course, we had a daughter who was just realising she needed her father. I just wanted the first meeting to be on my terms not a bolt out of the blue blindsiding me, putting me in a tailspin. The bar loomed to my right and I slugged down a vodka shot sitting ready for a patron. OK where was I, that's right, heading for the toilets, a few more steps and I was in the walkway, a palm frond whacking me as I passed close to avoid running into Joni Mitchell as she wandered along chatting to her friends.

"There she is!" I was swung round and hugged. I think I nearly punched the hugger before I realised it was Elton John. "You look ravishing, darrrling!"

"Thanks Elton, I was just....."

"Look I will be in LA next week lets catch up chooky. Here, turn around, smile for the bloody pap luv" Elton grasped my waist as I smiled blindly for the camera.

"Right sounds good, gotta go" I gave him another hug and kiss then fled to the bathrooms.

**************

After I recovered my fried brain in the ladies bathrooms I made my way back to the table, my carnary yellow dress basically squawking like an actual bird.

Screeching to everyone where I was, every step I took.

"There she is.... the mousey who fled the Johnny!" Mick was revelling in his smartarse glory.

"Did you know?" I stood over him. Holding his gaze til he faltered. I repeated the question "DID.YOU. KNOW?" Jerry was now waiting for Mick to answer, she was looking at him slightly mortified.

"I may have heard a little rumour...." Mick was cowed, by little ole me. Keith was cackling into his drink.

I flopped down "Look Mick I do want to see him, of course I do, it's time, but not in the middle of bloody New York, in front of the entire recording industry and assembled paparazzi"

"Sorry love. I thought it would be amazing to see the sparks again"

"No sparks just pain and hurt" He gave me a kiss sorry "I'm heading back to the hotel now, I'll see you all soon. Thanks for the evening" Jerry stood and hugged me like a big sister.

"No hard feelings, Rox. Babe?" Mick hopped up and hugged me too. Showing in that hug he didn't mean any harm. I hugged him back what else was I to do.

"No Mick, no hard feelings... Bye" I was gone.

Taxi.

Hotel lobby.

Elevator.

Room.

It was only when I sat on the end of Sophie's bed that I realised I hadn't, in the end, actually spoken to, or been face to face with, John.