Christmas 68

Its three and a half months since I was last with John, our eye-popping night that I will never regret, never take back.

Especially, since at Christmas, that night so long ago brought me some very different cheer.

"Mrs Lennon, what brings you in this fine December day" Doctor Oberts was pleasant and didn't push, which is the sort of person I could relax with.

"Oh nothing really. My friend here, dragged me down, she seems to think I'm not 100% well and pestered me to have a check-up." I nodded towards Linda, she had been checking up on me since the night I found out about the cocaine and affair. She even turned up with Paul this morning to cart me down to the doctor's office herself; as I had been putting off attending.

"Well you tell me what YOU feel, Roxan. Then I will run a few tests so we can allay your friends concerns, OK?" The doctor nodded toward the bed set up in the corner of the room. I eye rolled Linda and hopped up laying back on the plastic cover.

"Oh it's nothing, just a bit sick, flu like stuff and a tad tired"

"And she hasn't been eating well" Linda glares at me then gives me a hint of a smile to show she means well.

"Hmmm. Hmmm. Let's lift up your shirt, have a feel of your tummy see if there are any sore spots" He waits for me to organise the waistband of my pants and lift my blouse up to my bra. I gaze at the ceiling uncomfortable and nervy.

"Well miss you have a fair amount of swelling there..... Think you can pee in the little jar? Toilet is down the hall on the left" I don't have a chance to mutter a refusal, the doctor gives me a knowing look then turns to write on the chart and I push up off the bed to head to the bathroom with the little jar. I'm back in minutes.

"Excellent. Take a seat I won't be but a minute" The doctor strolls from the room calling for a nurse as he leaves the doorway.

"You'll see, it will be nothing" I smile knowingly at Linda who is giving me a questioning look as she chews on the inside of her cheek.

We twiddle our thumbs for five minutes and as I'm about to stand to look out the window the door opens and the doctor rounds the desk, sits himself down and leans forward, towards us, hands clasped together. His glasses are a little down his nose and he looks over the top of them, at me "Well young lady I have some good news for you. You are NOT sick!"

I poke my tongue out at Linda and the doctor, clears his throat.

"You are, however, pregnant!"

"Pardon" I swing around to face him and lean forward. My ears and head trying to catch up with what he's saying.

Dr. Oberts smiles at me "I know, I know. You have been told that this is near nigh on impossible! But Roxan, you my dear, are indeed, very much pregnant! Wonderful news! Congratulations!"

I'm numb, tears run down my face, Linda leans closer grabbing for my hand. The doctor continues his little speech I can't really hear all he says. My heart is pounding in my ears.

"Right, here are some tablets to calm that stomach, you must have had a bad case of morning sickness and I really want you to start eating properly! Most important as this bub is small and needs you to give it some good quality nourishment for it to grow. Now by the looks of you I'm thinking 2 months"

"Three and half..." I whisper quietly and the doctor grapples with my words. "...months" More tears escape, the doctor assumes they are of joy.

All I can think of is John's gone and I'm all alone.

*************

"Back to our place please Paul" Linda loads me in the car and jumps in the back seat hugging me and running her hand lovingly over my head and down my arms trying to soothe my tears.

"Paul stop glancing back here and just get us home... please!" Linda points forward after Paul again shots a look in the mirror, watching both our faces.

"I need to go home" I start crying again as I push the words out. Slumping, my head falling down into my lap as far as it will go.

"OH no you aren't, you need me, and I'm not letting you alone!" Linda pulls my chin up and places a kiss on my forehead. I nod slowly and lean into her heavily.

***********

"I'll get him to come over here" Paul is sorting a plan with Linda a few feet from where I lie on the couch.

"Alone" Linda glances at me then back to Paul.

"Doubt that" he mumbles moodily under his breathe.

**************

"What did you drag me over to yer house for, couldn't ya just tell me on the phone, that's what the fuckers are for Paul!"

"John, language" Linda points out Heather in the kitchen.

"Oh yer ok. What's SO important Macca then, not got all day have I" John is terse but fairly stable in his emotions. A 'good' day compared to others.

Paul points up the stairs to where I'm stood. I'm in my dressing gown still, as Paul didn't know that John would come so soon after he called him. I wasn't dressed as I had been throwing up and felt like shite.

"Oh, hello Syd" He bounds up the stairs, yes he is in a good mood and no other person is here to taint the air. "What are you doing at Paulies place then, drink too much wine with Linda last night!" He laughs and gives me a squeeze hello. I can't help but run my hand over his head and hair as he greets me, habits are hard to break.

I grasp his hand, I'm so nervous but we haven't been this close in ages so whether he picks up on it or not, I'm not sure.

I lead him into the spare bedroom where Linda has set me up for the week or two I will be here. A big double bed stands in the middle and a large window is open wide behind.
It's cool but I don't mind, my body has decided I am an iron smelter or something. My body is so hot to touch at the moment.

"Why are you so nervous, it's just me Syd" He did sense it. His glasses are half down his nose as he speaks and I stop myself from pushing them up for him.

It's him though, my John, for how long, I daren't think.

"I really needed to have a word with you. It's quite important you see. Let's sit down" John hops on the bed and folds his legs under him so I do the same, facing him, less than a metre between us,  more than it should be.

"Ok, full attention. Let me look at you a sec. though, take you in" His eyes wander over me then I'm surprised. His hands lift to my face touching my cheeks then travel through my hair down my shoulders and arms, along my folded legs, he pauses then takes my hands and holds them in his. "You've lost weight, you need to eat more"

My eyes are on his hands as he sits holding mine, he releases one though and takes my chin, tilting it up gently to look in my tear filled eyes.

"None of that now" A thumb strokes across my eyelashes chasing the tears away.

"John"

"Yes?"

"Um, I need you to know first whatever I say today doesn't need to change how we are, who you're with, OK. I'll be fine."

"You're starting to scare me Roxan just spill the beans, let me decide on how and what I will do" He snaps a little, but it's a John 'don't tell me my mind' snap, nothing more sinister.

"Right well I've been ill of late, no energy, sick, feeling like I have the flu all the time"

"Well that's not good did you go see the doctor?"

"Yes, yesterday actually. John this is going to be a bit of a shock. It shocked the socks off me!" I just go for it:

"I'm pregnant"

Nothing.

I think he heard, yes, his brain is working overtime but no words come forth.

"John?"

"Hmmm" His eyes lock with mine.

"Pregnant" I just grab his hand and place it on my tummy. Now that I know I'm pregnant I can't believe I was so naive not to see. A definite little bump is sitting front and centre. I lean back a little so my stomach protrudes a touch more. John hasn't moved his eyes from my stomach now.

"Pregnant, but they all said. All the specialists said......" He looks up with an uncertain smile. "......That night?" I nod remembering our last encounter "You were pretty frisky that night, if I recall correctly" He teases. My John again for a little while.

His smile then opens into a big lovely grin and he is on me, hugging me, shuffling about to kiss my belly. "Hello little one" He 'chats' to the bub growing inside.

Tears roll down my face, happiness and a sense of dread mingling in my mind. I know this monent will be fleeting. I wish it were different but his heart isn't mine now.

One happy moment today is wonderful and I will treasure it dearly but the drugs and other woman will take him away again.

Both will undoubtedly cloud his mind...

And both, I, and this bub, will disappear from view.