Author: makovea

Genre: Fantasy

What I liked:
- Your summary was bliss. Even before I had read the book I was hyped. There's also something simply beautiful about your writing where you get an exact feeling into your reader by solely phrasing a sentence a certain way. It's really incredible.

- The character introductions are so well-scripted!

- The portrayal of magic in this story is something I can appreciate. It's archaic in the way that people so strongly despise mages, and yet there's still this admiration that comes from the readers because magic is still pretty much everywhere. I know this doesn't properly portray what I was trying to say, but it was good enough. I know I'm practically just showering you with compliments, but bear with me.

- I liked how you incorporated Slavic words into the writing. I have seen this done in much the same fashion in a few published books I've read and it really gives light to the fact that the story's placed in a certain place. It makes it more real, so to speak.

What I didn't like:
(1) The first chapter was too long. I liked reading it, but I've stated before that anything above a 3k word limit is too much for me and it made me put it off for longer than I should have.

(2) I'm assuming this takes place in Slovenia or somewhere about there because of the words used throughout the story, but half the words weren't explained and we never really got a definition to them. :/

(3) In chapter two, I got really confused. Yaga was supposed to be the perfect bride, girl, maiden, whatever, but then she just has a complete change of mind and chokes her mother-in-law? It was too abrupt and it stunned me in the wrong way. In addition to this, chapter three was just plain confusing. We're not really certain who is there when and where exactly they are because Sergei was mentioned to be glaring at Yaga toward the beginning when she sat near the fireplace, then she got these unprecedented violent urges in a not-all-that-logical argument with Yelena and she has a napkin and Yelena says to eat, so is she in the dining room now? And Yaga then chokeholds Yelena, so obviously Sergei isn't there anymore or he would've stopped her, so... idk.

(4) After chapter one, I think you get a little carried away with the italicization. Take all of the italicization out when you edit and read it through. Do you still think those words need to be italicized? A lot of times when I do that, I take out about half of the italicized words and it makes it smoother sounding when the reader goes through it.

(5) The issue I mentioned in (3) became more inflated as I read on. I got to about chapter eleven when I finally stopped because the once beautifully scripted writing had become hard to follow and over-poetic. It became really confusing as to who's who and everyone's intentions became really cloudy and the locations weren't very well described. I also lost interest in the story after the first seven or so chapters because I didn't really care what happened next, which is definitely an issue.

I stopped caring really because I stopped relating to the characters and each of their individual situations, and if I can't tell people apart, I can't very well put an emotional investment into the story. Overall, I really wish I had cared more while reading what happened to Yaga and her companions, but I didn't. Everything became kind of spontaneous and nothing was really explained or had very much meaning, and I lost sight of the drive that kept me reading. I didn't know what I wanted to see happen in the story. Do I want Yaga and Dimitri to get back together? Not really. Do I want Yaga to find somewhere safe and happy to start things over? Maybe, but Yaga has just given into her evil and doesn't have any drive herself. I think that's a problem, too.

Suggestions:
(1) Shorten the chapters.

(2) Have a translation for the Slavic words either at the end of each chapter or at the end/beginning of the book.

(3) Probably just rewrite chapter two and three.

(4) Take the italicization down some.

(5) Make sure the characters each have a drive. If they don't know what they want, we don't know what we want.

I would rate this a 7/10.
Altogether, I think the physical writing in this story is very poetic and descriptive, and the first few chapters were really catching. I was on the edge of my seat, waiting to see what would happen to Yaga and Dimitri, but then Yaga suddenly turned evil without explanation and I think that's where my interest dropped. Why is she so evil? I don't know. Why does she think everyone's a powerless puppet? I don't really know. She's just so unexplainably despicable without really any drive to be and that's when I stopped caring for her. I couldn't relate. So I think if you are planning on editing or rewriting this story that you should consider more the motivations of each character and definitely keep introducing goals that your reader should strive for. After the first few chapters, I stopped asking questions. The reader should never stop asking questions. Good luck!

This is merely my opinion and my advice, please do not try to correct it. This is what I thought of your book while I read it and it is entirely your choice what to do with it. That said, I worked really hard on this. Please be nice and remember that I'm trying to help you improve your writing.