Author: Magicalheart25

Genre: Fantasy

What I liked:
- I liked that even though you are still learning English, you wrote this piece anyway. It was pretty apparent that you were struggling in some places, but English is hard and I applaud you for your outstanding efforts in writing this story.

- I liked that this has a more traditional folktale feeling to it. It's not super deep or especially daring, but it's a good story and not a lot of people on Wattpad are willing to write like that. It's a nice change.

- The chapters are short and I really appreciate someone who is able to do that because, well, a lot of people don't.

- I like that you split the book up into sections. I liked the cliffhanger ending in chapter fourteen, too.

What I didn't like:
(1) The dialogue was like what you'd see in a script. Excerpt from chapter 3:

George: "Your highness I'm sorry but I can't let you in. The Queen is very ill, she has to rest." - said George with a calm voice.

Maximus: " Why didn't anyone tell me that my wife was ill !!! " - yelled the King at George.

There are a few things right off the bat that I can tell you, the first of which is this: dialogue is tricky. It can be written in many different ways, but it's not normally put into a book like a script. In fact, I think that scripts are the only pieces that are written in that fashion. Here, you put the name of the speaker before their quote.
However, in most writing, that form of tag is never used. But you use a different tag at the end of the quote, as well. "said George with a calm voice" is an example of that. That is the only tag that is normally used in fiction writing. This is an excerpt from the first chapter in my book Naihabi Ridge:

"Dad—" I started, but he hushed me, helping my mother up and out of bed.
"I know." He began digging hurriedly through his dresser. "Get the girls onto the porch and we'll meet you there."

We'll use this as an example. From my experience, most writers don't get a handle on this for the first few pieces they write, but there's more to just stating "they said" in tagging. In order reap the full potential of tagging, we must make dialogue fluent, meaning that when we have paragraphs of action and description, we can add those to dialogue, as well. In the first quote, Avi, the main character, addresses his dad, but then he is cut off by his father and that is included in the tag. Then the paragraph breaks when his dad begins to speak and the quote follows. However, there is a tag in the middle of the quote. Confusing, isn't it? But the thing is, you can have tags at the beginning, in the middle, or at the end of the quote. That's why there's a thing called diction, which is a choice of words or phrase. We also have to deal with grammar, which is commas, periods, colons, semicolons, etc. within the writing. But back to tagging. Tags can be done with action (e.g. she swept her hair behind her ear or he shot a nasty glare at her); simple tags like "said" and all the verbs that accompany it; or a combination of both (e.g. she said, picking up her glass and raising it sarcastically or something), which is my personal favorite. Point is there's lots of opportunities, so feel free to study and read other people's work and then work out your dialogue. It's surprisingly enjoyable once you get good at it.

(2) I realize now that this is more common than it should be on Wattpad, but no pictures should be allowed in your chapter in the stead of a description. Whatever it is that requires a picture can be described using words. Of course, this doesn't include the picture at the beginning of each chapter, but pictures are something to be very wary of. You may see them in other Wattpadders' fiction, but don't be fooled because unless it's a picture book, pictures are a lazy substitute for a description and should never, ever be found in quality stories. Ever.

(3) Okay, this story is very innocent and fairy-tale-esque, but honesty is my policy, so here goes. The relationship between Jane, George, and the King and Queen is kind of unrealistic. It's okay to have a more intimate relationship with the palace servants when they're little, but once they inherit the throne, they're no longer simply crowned children and as such, have more responsibility and literally, most royalty are taught to know the social gap between them and everyone else, and if this is anything like historical royalty, the servants could literally be beheaded for attempting to get too close to the royals. They could be accused of being assassins or banished from Crystalia altogether.

(4) Another thing I noticed was that none of the royals ever had any guard with them, which is really unusual and unrealistic. Royalty would always be guarded unless specifically ordered not to by the royal themself, and even then, they would just lessen the guard down to one or two. Because royalty are constantly being met with people who don't agree with their rule and, as a result, try to take the crown from them. The truth is, no matter who you are, not everyone will like you. If one is in a position of power, that makes people's dislike for them multiply. Even the best of rulers have enemies.

Also, it hit me eventually that there just weren't very many other servants to begin with. The castle was literally empty. A royal family that's popular with their kingdom would be bustling with servants, eager to serve their beloved king and queen. The servants would be discreet, of course, but they shouldn't only be mentioned when they're needed. They're still there in the corners dusting, in the gardens trimming bushes, and pretty much the only one we would never see is the chef, who almost never leaves the kitchen.

(5) Another thing on the treatment of the royalty: the king would never, ever go to a common bar for alcohol. The only way he would be able to go to such an undeserving, lowly place is to sneak out past his guards without anyone knowing. But why would he do that when he could simply get the finest alcohol at the palace?

In reality, the king's health is always being monitored. He wouldn't be allowed to have an obsession of alcohol. It would be unkingly and simply too irresponsible and altogether absurd and unheard of for the ruler of a kingdom. It would be out of the question.

To put it simply, the treatment of the royalty is in need of some work.

(6) Addictions aren't instant. And they don't disappear overnight, either. In chapter five, you say that the king isn't in need of alcohol, but that's not really what addictions are like. I would study up on addictions and rewrite this. Or cut it out—preferably cut it out because it's unrealistic and unkingly.

Suggestions:
(1) Rewrite the dialogue.

(2) Take out the pictures in chapter four and ten and strengthen the descriptions instead.

(3) Edit the servant-master relationships.

(4) Guard the royals and, well, don't forsake the beloved servants.

(5) Rewrite the treatment of the royalty as a whole, as well as their behavior toward others.

(6) Research addictions.

I would rate this a 4/10.
Honestly, it showed in your writing that this was your first published work. The diction was very inexperienced and I don't think you put much research into your storyline, but that is to be expected of a first draft and I really do applaud your efforts. I give you a 4 for trying. It wasn't my favorite story, but it's a great try for learning a new language. But, saying what needs to be said, this needs a rewrite. Don't lose heart, study up on castle life, and keep trying. Good luck!

This is merely my opinion and my advice, please do not try to correct it. This is what I thought of your book while I read it and it is entirely your choice what to do with it. That said, I worked really hard on this. Please be nice and remember that I'm trying to help you improve your writing.