Author: NickfEast

Genre: Fantasy

What I liked:
- The writing was mostly factual, which was easy to read and didn't take much time.

- Your chapters are a reasonably short length, which is way underrated. I also thought splitting your chapters into sections was a clever idea, and I think it had a positive effect on the formatting of the story.

- I like your vocabulary. It's clever and varied and fits well with the narration.

What I didn't like:
(1) I don't know, it just seemed like you were trying to write in a certain set style and that you had a clear image of how you wanted your writing to be, but it didn't turn out. You used a lot of facts and detached explanations sort of like a narrator, which is cool—I like narrators if they're done right—but it just didn't seem like the characters cared about what they were doing. I kept thinking as I read that the storytelling was supposed to be comedic, but it didn't hit the mark for me and I ended up bored. You gave us a good start with Richard the black hole, maybe a little humorous, and kept the air going with Herschel's introduction, but I have yet to see why I should keep reading; I'm not attached to your characters. Why are they motivated to do what they're doing? They came across as dispassionate and unmotivated to me.

(2) The characters' thoughts could have been written better. Try avoiding the common use of italicization as too much of it can ruin the effect. It's much easier on the reader if you attempt to explain the characters' feelings through actions or short descriptions instead of italicized thought dialogue. For example, this sentence from chapter two, part three:

"If I knew exactly how this plan is supposed to work, maybe I could stop it, Herschel thought, still unconvinced, what could I realistically do against the warden."

After taking out the typos, this would become:

"If Herschel knew exactly how this plan was supposed to work, maybe he could stop it. Even as he dared to hope, he doubted himself. What could he realistically do against the warden?"

Bad example, but you get the idea.

Suggestions:
(1) Maybe cut down on the lengthy, fact-ridden explanations some and show us more of the characters' motivations.

(2) Use less italicization.

I would rate this a 6.5/10.
The grammar was almost there, but I would still suggest reading your story aloud before publishing because there were a lot of typos after the first chapter or so. The story itself was okay, but I wouldn't say there was anything particularly exceptional or appealing about it. Given the choice, I wouldn't read it again. I would definitely use less straightforward explanations in your writing and show us more of your characters. Good job and good luck!

This is merely my opinion and my advice, please do not try to correct it. This is what I thought of your book while I read it and it is entirely your choice what to do with it. That said, I worked really hard on this. Please be nice and remember that I'm trying to help you improve your writing.