Author: -alens

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

What I liked:
- It's such a relief to have short chapters. It's so much easier to deal with that way and the story is easier to just sit down and read with this format.

- The initial introduction of your characters (in the introduction chapter's teaser) had a definitive setting and was a catching beginning, which I can appreciate.

- It's interesting to switch back between the story and the detective's interrogations, but I might suggest changing the script formatting. Otherwise, it did add a certain mood to the story and was a creative way to tell the readers about the characters' backstories.

- I liked your characters. They really do show promise and I found myself wanting to know who killed Francesca's parents. It was interesting watching her get to know her parents' suspected killer and be played by her half-sister and overall, it has an attractive plot, but I'll get to the rest of this point later.

What I didn't like:
(1) Tony32boo from The Berry Awards already mentioned this, but your first chapter is much more like a prologue than a first chapter. I would suggest accommodating for this.

(2) The first chapter was written in script format and I'm not really sure why. On top of this, you must consider the purpose of the contents covered in this chapter. Is it essential to the plot? Is this conversation foreshadowing something or introducing an important concept or person to the readers? I don't think so, but you know more about it than I do.

Another thing is that when you are writing these scripted portions, don't use asterisks (*). This makes it seem like a text conversation or a tumblr post and definitely not like a serious story. If you're wanting to include actions, I might suggest writing the interrogations from the perspective of a recorder. For example:

DETECTIVE: Do you have anything else you would like to tell us?

DIANA: If... if you don't believe me, that's your loss.
(The suspect was crying heavily during this statement.)

It would be better content than that, obviously, but you get the idea. The other option you could do is write it classic story style like the rest of the book.

(3) Some of your words that should be plural and some verbs that should be past tense aren't and it quite honestly confused me. Is English perhaps not your first language? There are other typos and such grammatical errors, but they seemed a little out of place and some of the phrasing was just kind of not right. For example, in the introduction Diana stated, "I want something crazy from you something you won't like, but what can I say, France. Do it for the sake of me..."

"For the sake of me" is what had me hesitating here. Who says "the sake of me?" I mean, it's not exactly incorrect, but it's not really something anyone would actually say, either, so it sounds unnatural. This isn't the best example, but pretty much all of the writing is like this and it really threw me off. This by a long stretch is the most prominent issue with this book.

Suggestions:
(1) Perhaps make the first chapter a prologue and combine it with the teaser in the introduction.

(2) What's the purpose of the first chapter?

(3) Improve the unusual phrasing.

I would rate this a 2.5/10.
Pretty much the only problem I have with this story is the writing. The characters show promise and it's not like I wasn't interested in the plot, but I just couldn't get to any of the meat through the choppy writing. Much of the phrasing really made it hard to concentrate on the content and it felt a little too sped up in places like where it skipped over how Avery and Francesca became friends, and overall most of the writing was just really confusing. I would focus more on the characters and their feelings and actions because the story is about the characters, not the outcome; I would definitely try to work on the technical writing, but the story itself has potential as a good action/thriller. Good luck!

This is merely my opinion and my advice, please do not try to correct it. This is what I thought of your book while I read it and it is entirely your choice what to do with it. That said, I worked really hard on this. Please be nice and remember that I'm trying to help you improve your writing.