Author: DaretoDreaminShadows

Genre: Teen Fiction

What I liked:
- Your names are nice on the tongue and each has a different sound, which makes it easy to tell them apart.

What I didn't like:
(1) Your descriptions are lacking. When I hit two chapters, I was honestly confused about why I was confused until I realized that I didn't have a mental image of anything. Sometimes, take a small paragraph to describe what a room looks like, not just a stray sentence every now and then. Get the general image down, at least, then move to the detail of how Rose's skirt was black.

(2) The pacing was way off, which is another reason why I was so incredibly confused while reading this. I didn't have time to ground myself in Layla's shoes before poof, we're somewhere else now and there are six people I was introduced to and are supposed to know. Nothing is explained and I was seriously gawking as I read this because I understood absolutely nothing about the story. Everything was just too spontaneous and unexplained. Slow. Down.

(3) Don't be coy. Just don't. Especially around the introduction of your story. I found this problem prominent near your cliffhangers, which really ticked me off, tbh. If you hold back the stakes, then it's like reading blank content and the readers will drop like flies. Show us the details and the secrets and the ideas to work with because believe me, you'll have more ideas as you write. being coy is not foreshadowing. It's not cool. It's harmful to your hooks and it made me instantly lose interest before I had even reached chapter three. Not good.

(4) It seemed like you were trying too hard to make Layla flawed and she came across as pointlessly depressed. Like, she was constantly sad for no reason and not in a natural, smooth-reading way. Maybe it would help if we knew what made her this way before we get straight into the action.

(5) There are a lot of unrealistic inconsistencies. A few examples from chapter three (in no particular order) are:

a) the syringe. Where would a girl happen upon a syringe?

b) the tranquilizer that would have to be inside that syringe. Just????

c) Tranquilizers aren't instant. Even chloroform takes a minute, and in that minute, Layla would be dead.

d) This girl can wrestle a full-grown man into submission? Not to mention, this is a security guard, trained for combat and a ton of other police stuff??

e) An entire battalion of guards. At a school? An academy that has introduced us to a total of about thirty students?? This place is just... ??

f) The fact that Layla is supposed to be a global superstar? How?? There's no press interaction, no bodyguards, no hassle whatsoever associated with being famous?? When did this occurrence take place???

That was just for chapter three. Some other questions that popped up were:

g) Layla, who is what, fifteen? sixteen?, is somehow able to jet out from behind a statue, go all the way over to where this dude is standing, take a fistful of his hair, and drag him all the way back to the statue to smash his head on it before he even notices. Unless he's a rag doll, this reaction time doesn't make sense.

h) Layla is being shot at by a whole army of people who are surrounding her from all sides and comes out completely unharmed. No more said.

i) What the heck is with this Training Ground thing?

j) No officer is gonna carry around an explosive on his person. Maybe in a war, but this is a school. Too many liabilities involved there.

k) After all of these impossible battles happening overnight, Layla still has any hope of actually attending the school as an average student? She's going to get shot by a guard. Trespassing is illegal, which means that she's on the wanted list now. Seriously.

Suggestions:
(1) Show us more than an inkling of a description.

(2) Slow down the pacing.

(3) Don't keep the stakes from the readers. Make us care.

(4) Work out the numerous inconsistencies.

I would rate this 1.5/10.
I stopped reading at chapter six. I meant to read the whole thing, but it just didn't seem like it was going anywhere. First and foremost, work out how this story could possibly be realistic, then explain what is going on before we're forced to read chapter upon chapter of nonsensical battle scenes when we don't know why anyone is fighting. Give some motivation, place some stakes, make us care. Ultimately, it was the inconsistencies and plot holes that tipped it all and made me stop. Definitely work those out first. Good luck.

This is merely my opinion and my advice, please do not try to correct it. This is what I thought of your book while I read it and it is entirely your choice what to do with it. That said, I worked really hard on this. Please be nice and remember that I'm trying to help you improve your writing.