Author: karinberry

Genre: Romance

What I liked:
- Your prologue was interesting and made me want to read more. A unique and pleasing embellishment.

- I liked how this book is written from the POV of teachers. It's something I've never read before and is an interesting viewpoint to consider.

- I like how both of your main characters have insecurities, but you didn't quite do it right. It shows their human side and makes them more relatable, but don't go too far with it. See (3).

- I liked imagining Luuk as this gorgeous and short young man. I admire your faceclaim choices.

What I didn't like:
(1) I didn't really see any need for the epigraph. It was nice, but I didn't see any need for it. You also have the abstract and the prologue. It's a little excessive.

(2) The translations could have been written more smoothly. They read rough. For example:
1. "Bravo ragazzo." Good boy. She winks... (excerpt from chapter one)
2. "Bravo ragazzo." I cringe as she winks at me. Good boy, she said. Good boy? She's my boss...
3. "Good boy," she says in Portuguese and winks confidently.
Obviously, these weren't the best examples, but you get the point. Translating a different language is a very difficult task and it's hard to make it read naturally to English readers. It is possible, however. First, I would try to do direct translating much less, if at all. With most of your readers not knowing Portuguese or Japanese, having translations for everything really blocks the story. So instead, write most of it in English and mention that they are speaking in Portuguese or just have them speak English more often.

(3) Every person has a different, unique voice. It's a problem when an author writes from several POVs and bases each character off of themselves. It is fine to compare your characters to yourself, but don't base more than one of them off yourself or things become monotonous. Luuk Smit has anxiety problems and is self deprecatory, right? Don't have Jona also have those problems. I understand that everyone is insecure about something, that with Luuk it's his past and with Jona it's claustrophobia, but each of them should have separate, independent voices that stay consistent throughout the story. With this story, you write about Luuk first and I like how he is insecure and he stumbles upon someone who you introduced as a confident, sort-of-rowdy person named Jona. That, I like. Then you write about Jona and it turns out he's insecure in the same way as Luuk. That, I don't like. After the first two or three chapters, their voices get confusing and Jona starts sounding like Luuk and they're both just... redundant. Keep it fresh with each character. Base characters off of people you know, see, like, etc.. Every person is different, so write every character as a definitive, distinct person of their own mind and life. I just didn't see enough of this in your book, so in my opinion, it's fine to have one of your main characters be socially awkward, anxious, etc., but keep it new and maybe don't have the other one have a similar problem.

(4) Luuk's mask confuses me. I don't know what it looks like and no one in the story seems to care that there's a random guy just walking around wearing a mask over his face? Is this normal in the book? Personally, I've never seen a person covering their face with anything other than a scarf or maybe a hood. You don't describe it, either. What does it look like? What does it feel like on his face? Does it cover his whole face? Only part of it? This is probably normal where you come from since you mentioned that English isn't your first language, but I don't know what kind of mask you're talking about. Please describe it in the story for those who don't know.

(5) I don't know what your plan for this book is (my goal is to publish mine), but I wouldn't mention the year or current events with dates in the story. If you want to publish your book, you're going to need to think about this. A lot of people will read your book in the year it's published, but books can stay around for centuries. If you put a date on your book it's destined to one day become outdated. Even on Wattpad. Again, I don't know your plans for your book, but I just wanted to let you know that can become a problem really quickly.

Suggestions:
(1) Combine the epigraph, abstract, and prologue.

(2) Work a lot on the fluidity of your translations.

(3) Keep each character fresh with a new voice, personality, and train of thought.

(4) Describe Luuk's mask. It's a pet peeve.

(5) Beware putting dates in your book.

I would rate this a 5/10.
The story is interesting enough, but the writing needs some improvement. There are some plot holes and character inconsistencies, but nothing that some editing won't fix. It was harder to follow the story with the translations everywhere, but it shows promise. Good luck and good job!

This is merely my opinion and my advice, please do not try to correct it. This is what I thought of your book while I read it and it is entirely your choice what to do with it. That said, I worked really hard on this. Please be nice and remember that I'm trying to help you improve your writing.