Author: zamizamu

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

What I liked:
- I liked the fact that you state the time and location at the beginning of the chapter. It gives an air of formality and it's a good introduction to set the scene.

- I liked the beginning of chapter two. That's where I found the best description and dialogue in this book.

What I didn't like:
(1) The writing was very telly, as in tells instead of shows. "Hisako does this," "Hisako does that." We don't get to know Hisako's feelings this way and it's very difficult to put ourselves in her shoes; we want to experience the story with her, not watch from a safe distance. I would say to tell actions and show emotions, but just try to show more in your writing instead of simply telling the reader what's happening (rather straightforwardly). What is the fear that Hisako feels suddenly in chapter one? Describe it. "Hisako's heart falters as if clenched in the fist of a devil crueler than even her own fate, her hand trembling aggressively." The writing was dry, so to speak. There weren't really many descriptions, either, just short statements of actions. To put it bluntly, there needs to be a lot more feeling because it read way too fast and I didn't ever get attached to the story or the characters past the blunt "she does this," "it does that," "this happens."

(2) Use more pronouns. This has something to do with the previous point of curt writing, but 70% of the sentences in Miracle of Mimic start with "Hisako," which isn't right. Use "she" sometimes or, even better, focus a little on her surroundings, but don't state "Hisako does... Hisako does..." so often. Hisako lives in a world, so describe the world some, too, and the people she interacts with. This is more of a problem in chapter one, but it still occurs in chapter two.

(3) The dialogue is a little rookie in this book. "The tall detective says," "The head detective asks," "The tall detective answers." It's sort of off-putting. I wouldn't use overcomplicated vocabulary as dialogue tags, but you can phrase them a little differently, or sometimes if there are only two people talking, you can skip a few dialogue tags.

(4) "Meow." It really rubbed me the wrong way that the cat's cries were always put in as dialogue. You can just state that the cat meows at Hisako or something; it's generally assumed that the cat said "meow" and not "give me your money" or something.

(5) None of these odd occurrences (Hisako's weird blurry vision, the papers she finds, the people stalking/kidnapping her) are explained. There's no backstory or explanation, which is okay in some cases, but it's a little abrupt and it catches your readers off guard in a bad way. I didn't know what's going on in the story because I don't know why these people are going after Hisako and we don't even get any hints. There were only two chapters published when I reviewed this, but your first two chapters should catch readers with hints and snippets of something we're supposed to be wanting to know. Make us ask questions.

Suggestions:
(1) Show emotions, and try to deal with the bluntness of the writing. Vary sentence length as well.

(2) Use more pronouns; we won't forget who you're talking about when you're only narrating the life of one person.

(3) Vary your use of dialogue tags.

(4) Cats don't need quotation marks unless they speak verbal sentences.

(5) Give your readers enough information to ask questions about what's going to happen next.

I would rate this a 4.5/10.
Altogether, there was a lot that wasn't here with the writing of this book. If I were to pick one thing to say, it would be to put us in your character's head; we won't know what they're thinking through just their actions, so describe their emotions and their thoughts as well. The pacing was affected by the fact that there wasn't much description and, in turn, I found myself not caring about what happened very much. I collected that there was something going on with this story concerning the plot, but it was never really explained and there were only two chapters for me to read, so yeah (I get that you're probably editing right now). The story shows promise, though, if the writing can grow to accommodate it. Give us tension, give us emotion, and you'll have yourself some readers. Good luck!

This is merely my opinion and my advice, please do not try to correct it. This is what I thought of your book while I read it and it is entirely your choice what to do with it. That said, I worked really hard on this. Please be nice and remember that I'm trying to help you improve your writing.