Author: christdora123

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

What I liked:
- It was interesting to put a fellow author's poetry before your book. I would put only one or two poems, but it was pleasant to read and made for a good beginning.

- I liked the plot between Ava and her parents.

What I didn't like:
(1) This is minor, but you should put only one chapter of poetry at the beginning and don't underline it. That made the poems harder to read and was unnecessary.

(2) Chapter one made no sense. It was at a meeting of some kind with a man named Larry handing out doughnuts and a girl named Ava being nervous about telling her story. I would cut this chapter entirely. It has none of the first chapter hook that's needed to keep your readers engaged. Other than confusing us, it did nothing. I know people who judge a book on its first chapter, and I don't think they'd give this book the time of day.

(3) People read stories to escape the everyday bustle of their normal life. They definitely don't need to read about two cousins brushing their teeth. In fact, we don't need the details on Winter's morning routine at all. Chapter two was a mess of unnecessary infodumping and unimportant, everyday moments. A certain skill that needs to be acquired about writing is knowing which moments to include and which moments not to include. In addition to that, we must also decide by importance how long that moment will be. The only moment in chapter two that's worthwhile is explaining the feud between Ava and her mom and that there is a mental hospital included. That's the only thing in that chapter that tugged my interest at all. I think it'd be safe to cut the rest out because this made me feel like reading this was a waste of time.

(3) Your descriptions of people are all over the place in the sense that they're all the same. You describe in sequence some unremarkable features about them and boom, you're done with that person and on to the next to do the same thing. It's boring and I didn't care at all what the characters looked like because the descriptions were so bland. We don't immediately need to know what a character looks like, either. Let us get to know their personality or purpose in the story a little, then give us subtle descriptions that fit the character and the moment. Don't infodump and cut the unnecessary descriptions.

(4) Descriptions aren't just for people. Part of getting your readers to feel immersed in the story is getting us familiar with the environment. It may not be the main focus of your story as in real life, we're not often gazing at trees for long periods of time, but we still notice where we're going and at least a little about what's in the space we're entering, so don't forget to give us at least a little bit of information about the environment. Have your character accidentally find their eyes drifting to an inanimate object while talking to someone. Have them trip on something or accidentally hit their hip or toe on something they didn't notice. That brings the reader's attention to it, too. And that brings me to the next subject: the five senses.

In order to properly transport your readers into the moment so that they feel like they're with your characters personally, you need to describe the human senses. Touch, sight, taste, smell, and hearing. These should all be subtly incorporated into your story when entering any environment. If your character has been in the air conditioning all day and is going outside, mention that a wave of heat came over them as they entered the sunny area or how sweat gathered uncomfortably on their brow. If they enter an old shack or something, let us know that it smells like dirt and mold or rusty metal. Let us have a taste in our mouths just from reading because the mouth and the nose are connected. Let us live the moment with your characters. Don't make us sit on the sidelines and observe where no feelings can reach us.

I think the best way to effectively incorporate subtle things like this is to go places and just pay attention to the little things you don't normally notice. Then go home and practice mentioning those little things to fully immerse your reader into the moment, just like in real life.

(5) ABSOLUTELY. NO. PICTURES. Starting in chapter four, you completely give up on descriptions while describing Ava's mansion. You just put pictures of the rooms or items there to substitute. ABSOLUTELY. POSITIVELY. NO. This whole chapter can be scrapped as well. When you put so little effort into your writing, it shows and makes us care that much less for your characters. The readers don't owe the writer anything, so if you don't care enough to write descriptions, then that just ruins the whole reading experience. No one wants to read something if very little effort was put into it. Don't be lazy. Don't skip. Take the time to nurture your baby because this was an utter disappointment.

(6) The flashbacks were sporadic, confusing, and really kind of pointless. Try not to flicker between flashback and reality so often, as well. Anyway, the whole point of a flashback is to provide essential information about something that's already happened to your characters. They only need to cover the point of time in which that essential information is given. In chapter four, for example, we don't need to know about who Jessie and Adam are, or what Shawn looks like (another bland description). We don't need to read about the history of the surf shop, no, the only thing that needed to be in that flashback was Winter overhearing Ava wanting to die. Get. To. The. Point. It's getting unreasonable how many unnecessary scenes there are and it's so frustrating trying to read it all.

(7) It is my belief that the main character is Ava. But you write from Winter's perspective. Why? I haven't the slightest idea. But despite being written from her perspective, we know close to nothing about Winter's personality. We know an excessive, boring amount of information about her family and where she works, but her personality? Nope. From the five chapters I read, I gathered that Winter has zero concerns for her own life and is completely wrapped around Ava's personal affairs. I would say write from Ava's POV or give Winter a life.

(8) Unnecessary scenes lead to another subject that I nearly forgot: pacing. This book, sadly, is very slow-paced. I didn't read the description before I read the story and I had no idea that the plot was about Ava and Winter getting matching boxes from their lost father(s). That is bad. The plot should be introduced a lot faster than that. By the end of chapter one, we should be introduced to an interesting character(s) and eager to read more. By the end of chapter two, we should have a basic idea of the character's goals and maybe some of the plot. In other words, by the end of chapter five, we should definitely know what's going on.

Suggestions:
(1) Put the poetry in one chapter, possibly shorten it, and remove the underline.

(2) Just cut chapter one.

(3) Cut as all mundane, everyday scenes.

(3) Improve your people descriptions.

(4) Study up on how to envelope your readers in the moment.

(5) Descriptions are hard, but don't ever use pictures instead.

(6) Keep the flashbacks (and not only the flashbacks) on track and to the point.

(7) Write more about Winter's personal ambitions or keep Ava as the MC and write from her POV. Or write third-person.

(8) Introduce the plot, characters, and overall goal of the book faster. Keep good pace.

I would rate this a 2/10.
Needs a complete rewrite. It beats around the bush too much and we never get to what matters. So we lose interest. The writing is really bad and it's very frustrating to read all the unnecessary scenes. Study grammar, read more books, and try again. Good luck.

This is merely my opinion and my advice, please do not try to correct it. This is what I thought of your book while I read it and it is entirely your choice what to do with it. That said, I worked really hard on this. Please be nice and remember that I'm trying to help you improve your writing.