Author: icytundra

Genre: Fantasy

What I liked:
- I fell in love with your characters almost instantly.  (*'꒳'*)  Good job.

- Your prologue was thrilling in its wording and its theme. I want to read more.

- Your grammar isn't perfect, but it is very good and it exceeded my expectations.

- I loved how the writing style is almost poetic in the sense that you use comparison often and use pleasantly sophisticated vocabulary.

- Your storyline is creative and well-spoken. I personally like fantasies, but this is a good one.

- Though I normally prefer first-person view, this impressed me. I could tell that it needs revising because of small grammar mistakes and sentences that could be phrased better, but it is worthy of at least a second draft.

What I didn't like:
(1) Honestly, the title wasn't that appealing. Veins aren't something that I would really find attractive (kind of gross), and discolored veins... bleh. It's descriptive, however, and tells the readers what they're getting into. I would consider changing it at some point, though. Veins really aren't the best.

(2) At some points in Black Vein, I felt like you were slightly info-dumping. Only slightly, but I would tone down a little on the descriptions.

(3) More toward the second and third chapter, the number of tags after dialogue increases. If Person 1 says something, then you add a tag or action in between their sentence before they say something else, don't add another tag after the second sentence. I only noticed this a little, though.

Suggestions:
(1) You might want to consider changing the title.

(2) Take out a little bit of the descriptions. Only a little.

(3) Take out some of the tags in the second and third chapters.

I would rate this a 9/10.
This was incredibly well-written and shows a lot of promise. There's... not a whole lot else I can say. I highly suggest this book for those who are without a good read. And sorry that I couldn't find much advice to give, I realize that this probably isn't that helpful.

This is merely my opinion and my advice, please do not try to correct it. This is what I thought of your book while I read it and it is entirely your choice what to do with it. That said, I worked really hard on this. Please be nice and remember that I'm trying to help you improve your writing.