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You're A Coward

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Chaeyoung wakes up the next morning feeling a rather heavy weight around her waist, wrapping her figure secure, and a warm, familiar body pressed against her back, face buried deeply into her disheveled blonde locks.

The memories of last night was clear to the least possible extent in Chaeyoung's mind, her brain as if short circuiting whenever she tries to recall everything that's happened. It was all hazy – the memories – but she thought she could picture out a few blurry images of her, bold and drunk and properly distraught, pulling Jisoo by the neck to kiss her in front of all the people at the afterparty, a thing completely leading to another.

Chaeyoung felt her heart beating ten times as fast, cold sweat suddenly dripping down her forehead as her heart raced inside her chest.

I kissed her. In front of everybody. She almost audibly gasps, blinking several times. Her breathing slowly turned uneven as she gently, subtly lifted Jisoo's arm around her waist, afraid of waking the older girl up.

I kissed her. I fucking kissed her. Why did I fucking do that?!

Chaeyoung gulped, sitting up from the bed when Jisoo's arm was finally off her naked figure. She hastily searched for her clothes on the floor, picking them back up and throwing them mindlessly over her head.

She couldn't help but worry, her heart racing as she tried to dial down the series of flashbacks clouding her mind.

If the press finds out about that, do you think they're gonna leave you alone?

I want you, and not just for what we do together, you and I. I so out of my head, off my fucking face want you that I'd save you a seat at the family dinner table — tonight, and for the rest of the fucking nights I can.

Chaeyoung felt her heart slowly shrinking inside her chest. Her tears attempted to fall from her eyes, so she bit her lip, trying her best to fight it as she finished off getting dressed.

You kissed her. Why would you do that? How could you do that to me?

I don't want her, Chaeyoung.

Picking up her heels from the cold, tiled floor of Jisoo's bedroom, Chaeyoung wiped the stray tear that just suddenly rolled down her cheek. Her other hand reached her chest, clenching the fabric of her dress, as she tried her best to restrain a sob.

She failed.

Chaeng, I love you. I'm in love with you, Chaeyoung.

She shouldn't be. No. Jisoo shouldn't be loving Chaeyoung at all.

"Hey,"

Chaeyoung's body instantly tensed up the second a tired, husky voice rang against her ears from behind, the pair of heels that were once firm in her hold abruptly dropping on the floor, startling both of them.

A blinking Jisoo was shook awake completely by the loud noise. Confusedly, she tried to register the sight of a now fully dressed Chaeyoung in front of her, standing still and frozen near the door of her bedroom, her dress-clad back facing her.

"You're leaving?" She asked softly, unsurely, whilst slowly realizing what was actually going on. She's leaving. Chaeyoung is leaving. Why? Jisoo immediately sat up, reaching for the white robe hanging on the wooden rack next to her in order to wrap it around her once naked figure.

Meanwhile, realization suddenly snapped Chaeyoung off her daze, pulling her out of her trance when Jisoo's question finally sank in on her brain.

Yes, I am. She is. She should; Chaeyoung thought, as she hurriedly picked the pair of heels on the ground back up.

She has to.

She got back up, wiping her tears away and ignoring her when Jisoo's voice vibrated at the back of her head once again. "Chaeng," She heard the brunette call out, but Chaeyoung didn't dare to face her anymore.

(She almost did, but she turned out to be a little too scared to do so.)

It's troubling how much Jisoo scares her now. Chaeyoung knows she shouldn't, but she couldn't help it.

She needs to get out of there.

Chaeyoung ran towards the direction of the door, hand reaching the knob in no time, but her arm was suddenly, abruptly pulled back, Jisoo's firm hold keeping her in place. "Hey, stop." Jisoo mumbled softly when Chaeyoung tried to fight her off and pull her arm back, head ducking to avoid Jisoo's gaze. "Are you alright?" Jisoo asks, tone turning softer and more delicate.

Chaeyoung didn't like it at all.

Why? Why did she just have to be so delicate and careful when she's around Chaeyoung? Why does she have to be soft whenever she speaks and looks at Chaeyoung like she's some kind of a precious gem she needs to protect at all cost?

(Clearly, Chaeyoung doesn't deserve that. So, why?)

Tears suddenly started falling from the blonde's eyes once again, shoulders shaking as she sniffed, which caused Jisoo's gaze to turn rather worried.

"Hey, Chaeng, it's okay–"

"No!" Chaeyoung abruptly snapped her gaze towards the confused older girl, sharp, and throwing daggers straight into Jisoo's soul.

It caught both of them off guard, Chaeyoung realizing only then that she should try her best to keep her cool, or else Jisoo might just force her even more to stay.

And she can't stay.

"No, it's- it's not okay. This is– We shouldn't–" Chaeyoung continued to stutter out, head shaking in a rather hasty pace. "This is a mistake."

Chaeyoung hated how the way Jisoo's face fell at her statement caused a fierce pang inside her chest. But she ignored it, looking down in refuse to meet the brunette's utterly confused stare.

"What?" Jisoo's voice turned even weaker, this time.

Chaeyoung couldn't look at her. Fuck, she can't look into those eyes again. Those eyes – those damned, beautiful chocolate eyes that Chaeyoung just always loses herself into – the very reason why she fucking broke in the first place;

Why she almost broke her own rule.

(She already did.)

No.

She can't.

Chaeyoung bit her lip, deciding against responding anymore and just choosing to pull her arm back, instead.

But Jisoo didn't let her. "Wait, Chaeyoung, don't just fucking walk away. Talk to me." She insisted, her grip on the blonde's arm tightening even more, it almost hurt.

Chaeyoung felt her head spinning, her vision getting blurry. She is almost panicking. "There is nothing to talk about, Jisoo, okay?!"

"Are you kidding me?! Chaeyoung, there is everything to talk about, come on!" Jisoo yelled back, pulling the blonde's arm until they're facing each other so unbelievably close.

Utter disbelief was evident in Jisoo's tone, and Chaeyoung found it even harder to keep herself composed – with Jisoo being that close to her, gazing straight into her tear-filled hazelnut eyes. She shook her head repeatedly, hurriedly, as she tried to avoid eye contact with a now desperate looking Jisoo.

"Let go of me." Chaeyoung mumbled, voice slowly breaking.

She had to blink her tears away, especially when Jisoo only tightened her hold around her arm, "No." She never looked away from Chaeyoung when she said that, and it only caused Chaeyoung even more pain.

It was all painful to her– the way Jisoo continued to insist, to fight for what she wants even when Chaeyoung only kept on pushing her away. The way Jisoo looks at her as if Chaeyoung was made of nothing but a fragile glass that she could see right through clearly.

She pulled her arm again, but Jisoo's grip still wouldn't loosen. "Jisoo," Chaeyoung warned, but it's as if the brunette didn't hear a word, and it only frustrated Chaeyoung even more. "I'm fucking serious, Jisoo, let go!"

Adrenaline came rushing through her veins when Chaeyoung forcefully pulled her arm back and took hurried steps away.

Jisoo's eyes were wide and confused.

She felt her heart breaking in half, watching Chaeyoung forcefully get away from her, looking like she wants nothing but to just get out of there, the farthest away from Jisoo, right at this exact moment.

She couldn't help but scoff, feeling herself getting angry, as well.

"What is wrong with you?" Jisoo spat, staring straight into Chaeyoung's eyes. "One minute you do that, kiss me like you fucking mean nothing but it, like you fucking want nothing but me; And then the next, you do this." She gestured with her hands frantically in front of both of them, lip twitching upward in annoyance. "I told you I need an actual fucking answer, Chaeyoung; yes or no. But you only say yes for a goddamn second and then push me away—"

"Are you seriously fucking hearing yourself right now, Jisoo?!" Chaeyoung cuts her off, tone harsh and sharp and clearly far more frustrated than before. "Tell me, is there even an actual answer to this, you and I – fuck buddies, friends with benefits. Is there?!" She shuts her eyes, running a hand through her hair as she blinked her tears away. "My god, Jisoo, you know I can't give you the answer you want–"

"So you choose to just leave me confused." Jisoo finished off for her, voice eerily low and soft, tone eliciting pain. "You can't figure your own shit out, so you choose to just leave it all up to me."

The statement had Chaeyoung staring at Jisoo in utter disbelief, hands throwing in every direction, heavy, frustrated steps all over the place. "There is nothing to figure out, Jisoo!" She yelled, gaze just as furious. She wasn't just about to back away. "This, all of this, means nothing. That's what we agreed on, isn't it?" Her chest heaved up and down as she chuckled sarcastically. "What, did you really expect us to fall in love? I told you from the very beginning that this is just sex. If you wanna fuck, then I'm all about it!"

Jisoo's once fierce expression slowly fell at the remark, feeling a strong, uncomfortable sting inside her chest striking through her heart.

It hurt, the way Chaeyoung screamed those words at her, clearly tired of everything, everything involving their conversation.

But it hurt even more, to Jisoo, the way Chaeyoung managed to hold their gazes firm as she spat all of those words out like she meant it.

All of it.

Jisoo felt her heart crushing in pain, and it probably was the reason why anger took over her senses when she spoke again.

"You know what, I was right. You're a coward." She mumbled, her words stinging Chaeyoung's chest way more than she intended it to. "You don't even know how to acknowledge your own feelings, anymore, because you've never done it in forever, have you?" Chaeyoung felt herself getting agitated as Jisoo continued to speak, hands balling into solid fists. She watched Jisoo shook her head, taking slow steps closer to her. "And now that you're feeling something that is everything but you've planned, you push them away. You push me away, because you are a fucking coward. You tell me you've done nothing but lose all your fucking life, but I think you're missing out on something bigger here, Chaeyoung; Cowards never get to win. Hell, you wouldn't even get to face your own sister if I wasn't there to push you through—"

The slap that suddenly made contact with her cheek prevented Jisoo from getting to finish her sentence, anymore, and Chaeyoung was staring at her furiously, eyes wide and glistening with tears.

She couldn't stand listening to the words that were coming out of Jisoo's mouth; the words that hold nothing but the truth.

And Chaeyoung hates to hear the truth out loud.

It angered her even more than she already is. The words stabbed her deep, and her blood was boiling in rage, she didn't think she could bring herself to calm down, anymore.

"You fucking asshole, you just had to bring all that up, did you? You just had to throw that in my fucking face!" Chaeyoung screamed at the top of her lungs as tears continued to stream down her cheeks. She shook her head, eyes throwing daggers at the now silent brunette. "I already fucking told you there can't be anything going on between the two of us. If I knew you'd be this obssessed, this fucking selfish— then I shouldn't have gotten myself into this in the first place!" The anger in Chaeyoung's chest now started to take over her entirely that she almost didn't know what she was saying. Yet she kept talking, kept hurting, and kept on spitting out words, (just to give Jisoo back the same amount of pain, or maybe even more.) "Maybe that's the reason why Nayeon left you to begin with. You only think of yourself. You only fucking care about what you fucking want. And do you wanna know how I know, Jisoo?! Because if you really did care about me, you wouldn't be acting like that; desperately doing everything you can to try and keep me in place. You wouldn't ruin my fucking plans, you wouldn't break the fucking rule! Maybe you did deserve to be left alone without a say because, fuck! Six long years wouldn't fucking matter and that's all fucking on you!"

Jisoo froze in her spot, eyes wide as she registered everything the blonde just spat.

She didn't expect to hear that from Chaeyoung at all. She didn't mean that, did she? Maybe Jisoo just wanted to believe that she didn't.

Chaeyoung froze, too, almost instantly, the second her last words escaped her mouth involuntarily out of rage.

Silence took over them all of a sudden. She shouldn't have said that, I shouldn't have said that. Chaeyoung thought her heart was about to jump out of her chest at the way Jisoo stared at her with that gaze— hurt and betrayed. She reached her hand out, "Jisoo," but the latter was already stepping away, tears streaming out of her still widely opened eyes.

Chaeyoung's mouth parted at the sight, guilt completely taking over her. She tried to say something, anything, but all she can come up with was a muffled, "Jisoo wait, please," when the brunette turned around to walk away from her, trembling hand reaching for the knob.

Jisoo would be able to, if it wasn't for Chaeyoung's hand catching hers in time, right before she could turn the knob completely. Jisoo pulled her hand back instantly, however, as if Chaeyoung's touch stung; like the contact that would usually send her heart fluttering inside her chest burned her skin, instead, forcing her to recoil from the cautious touch.

Chaeyoung felt her stomach lurch at the reaction.

She watched as Jisoo shook her head repeatedly, clenching her jaw as she hurriedly wiped her tears away, and Chaeyoung's world started to slowly fall apart just by watching her do so. "Chu–"

"Hey, it's– it's okay. Alright? Don't worry." Jisoo lets out hurriedly, cutting Chaeyoung off of what she was about to say. Her voice was louder this time, but not in the best way. More panicked, and the shakiness of it never faltered even when she tried to force out a light chuckle. "I get it, Rosie." Her voice is much softer when she said that, and even more painful for the still frozen blonde. Jisoo forced a smile, nodding her head as if convincing both of them when she mumbled, softly, weakly, (too much for the last words she'll ever be saying to Chaeyoung,) "I'll get off your back."

Jisoo swallowed the lump in her throat, taking hasty steps out of the now eerily silent room and completely leaving Chaeyoung there standing all by herself.

Chaeyoung's heart was racing, and she felt like it was going to explode any minute now as Jisoo's words continued to stab her on the chest mercilessly. Those were five words– five fucking words that left Chaeyoung utterly speechless as she stood still on her spot in the middle of Jisoo's bedroom.

She couldn't move, and she couldn't do anything else but to just watch when Jisoo took slow steps away from her, staring at the brunette with her glossy hazelnut orbs for the last time before she completely walked away.

Out the door;

Out of Chaeyoung's life;

Completely.

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