Author: Kehanni

Title: Naihabi Ridge

Genre: fantasy

Mature: Not by my standards

Cover and Title: 5/5
The cover stands out beautifully, and the title is both unique and relevant. I couldn't think of anything better.

Blurb: 3/5
It just reads a bit off-kilter. It's rather choppy and there's so much going on within the blurb I really couldn't get an impression on the main story line. It just felt really muddled and didn't flow right.

First Impressions: 2/5
I'm going to go into a lot of style and setup here, because that's definitely the first impression I got.

First, I personally don't like it when there's a ton of information or authors notes before you even get to the first chapter. Prologues are fine, but all the other stuff feels like a chore to get through. I know the pronunciation guide was meant to be helpful, but no one will remember the pronunciation once they meet a Said character, and it interrupts the flow of the story to go back and look it up. I'm not sure where to put it, but I'd rethink all the stuff before the story begins. Is it all really necessary?

Also, people don't want to read a block of text. Even avid readers are put off by seeing a wall of text with no white space. It looks boring. It has no energy.

Skip lines between paragraphs.

Like this.

It makes the text look more exciting, and ultimately more inviting. It's a simple trick, but I think it's part of the reason you haven't gotten much attention.

Another reason I think this is really hindering you is because wattpad allows people to comment by paragraph, only if there's a line skipped in between. By not skipping, readers have to comment on the entire chapter, when most readers prefer to leave an inline comment for a specific detail. Not skipping discourages readers from commenting because they need to go to extra lengths to specify what they're talking about when otherwise it would be clear.

Characters: 3/5
When writing in first person-alternating POV, it's important to make sure the narration and internal monologue sounds different from character to character. When Avi and Oriole weren't speaking I couldn't identify whose mind this chapter was even from without checking. Obviously, you should say whose POV it's from, but readers should be able to figure that out on their own.

I didn't connect to any of the characters. Oriole the most, but it took me a long time to figure out Oriole's gender which I found distracting. I'm sure you said it, but it wasn't very clear early on. Avi... I didn't get much out of him. It seemed like you were trying so hard to make a flawed character that it became unnatural. Yes, make flawed characters, but make sure to show their other sides. Wouldn't it make sense in some situations for a character to try to appear perfect for another despite being riddled with flaws? Or just to be softer from time to time? Or happy once in awhile? I could see you trying to find those moments, but they just didn't come across right.

Grammar: 3/5
There were a lot of very run on sentences. They need to be taken care of because they make the whole thing feel off. It doesn't sit right to a reader. Read the story out loud and find any bits that sound rough to your ears.

Another thing I noticed was an issue with dialogue tags. Let me show you an example.

"Bla bla bla." Character A whispered.
Or
"Bla bla bla." Whispered Character A.

Both these examples are incorrect, because whispered is a dialogue tag. Dialogue tags required a comma. Action tags required a period. Here's the correct examples.

"Bla bla bla," Character A whispered.
Or
"Bla bla bla," whispered Character A.

The other option is an action tag, which would use a period.

"Bla bla bla." Character A stood up.

See?

I gave this little grammar lesson because I noticed several instances where the commas vs periods got mixed up. Someone else also pointed the same thing out in the comment section in one of the first few chapters.

Plot: 4/5
The plot itself was good, but it was hard to get invested in when I didn't hold much attachment for the characters. Make us like them early on so we care about their plight. The few moments I felt a connection were far later in the book.

Overall: A generous 20/30 or 3.33/5 because I was on the fence for a lot of these rankings.