rose.
a short story.
the beginning of the end.
part four  ━  someday i'll fly away.

⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆

❛  do you taste the blood in the air?
that metallic flavour that stains everything red.
it tastes like steel, like flesh, like broken dreams.
it tastes like a girl who wants to leave the world behind.  ❜

⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆

THE RED KEEP.

     EVERY NIGHT, WHEN DARKNESS FALLS, SHE AND JAIME MAKE THE JOURNEY CERSEI'S CHAMBERS.

     The darkened hallways make her flinch. They are lit only by flickering torchlight, casting long shadows which dance across the floor. It tricks her into thinking there is someone else, but they are alone. Jaime grips her hand tightly and leads her along. He will never let her go now. She must teach herself to remember that she is safe with him.

     Jaime knows his father intends to send him back to Casterly Rock once the celebrations are over. He knows that Tywin intends to begin searching for a bride suitable enough for his firstborn son, but for these few weeks, Jaime can dream. Rose makes him dream. All of the possibilities the world can offer him only matter when Rose is around. Rose will stay here with Cersei now, in the Red Keep as one of Cersei's ladies.

     Even if he must leave, at least two of them will be together.

     Rose lets them take her, body and soul, when the night falls. Soft moans and love enough for three of them fill the air. Skin slick with sweat, she lies between the twins when it's done, and it is the first time in a long time that her mind falls completely silent. There are no toxic thoughts, no demons whispering in her ear. For a short time, she feels at peace with the world. It does not last long  ━  after a while, the guilt begins to creep in. She knows they do not mind, for they love her as much as they love each other, but she hates that she cannot choose.

     On top of all the rest, of all the hatred she has for herself, of all the love she has for them, she hates that she cannot pick between them. In a life or death situation, who would she choose to save? Who does she love more, because surely she must love one of them more than the other?

     Rose doesn't know, and it's one more thing she hates about herself.

     It doesn't occur to her, really, that she doesn't need to choose. That they can be happy, just the three of them, and no one is ever left out. There is enough love for three, here. On this night. In this bed.

     In these hearts.

⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆

     ROSE SITS IN CERSEI'S SOLAR ONE DAY. THEY'RE ALONE, for Cersei has sent away all the other ladies, and the pair of them sit with embroidery in their laps. The window is open, and all Rose can focus on is the sound of the Blackwater Rush meeting the sea, the sound like static that consumes her mind. Her hands sit idle in her lap, a half-finished bird stitched in the fabric.

     Cersei's brows are furrowed as she sews the sigil of their house, a proud lion, to gift to her brother Jaime, but there is a tiny smile upon her face. When Rose turns to look at her, she thinks it's endearing. She thinks it's real, too, because Cersei is concentrating and focusing so intently on getting the design just right. Everything must be perfect.

     Rose knows Cersei does not usually waste her time with embroidery. She knows that her cousin believes it to be a useless and menial task, often surrounded by chattering ladies whom irritate her to no end. With Rose, though, it is quiet and almost peaceful. She knows Rose likes embroidery. Perhaps that's why Cersei tries.

     When Cersei looks up finally, she can see that Rose is far away and has been for some time. It does not go unnoticed, by either of the twins, that Rose disappears into her own head sometimes. Cersei tries her best to dismiss it  ━  she knows that Rose is a softer sort of girl, more susceptible to the pressures of the world, and she loves her for it. She thinks it will go away, with time and care. Now that they are all together again, it is only a matter of time. Rose will get better now that Cersei and Jaime are around to care for her.

     Cersei knows that Jaime thinks otherwise.

     "Rose, dear," she says aloud, trying to draw the girl's attention. Her voice is sharper than she means it to be  (  CERSEI IS SHARPER THAN SHE MEANS TO BE  )  and Rose startles, whipping her head in her cousin's direction immediately.

     Cersei watches as her cousin tries to mask her alarm. Rose draws a veil over her demeanour  ━  outwardly, she calms down straight away, her features become passive, but her pulse is racing and she fears Cersei can hear her heartbeat, hear her weakness.

     Cersei is so strong. Rose does not want her to think she's weak. She knows that Cersei despises weakness when it comes from anyone else.

     "Are you quite alright?" Cersei wonders. She, too, wears a mask. She hides the concern she feels behind kind, cat-like smiles. It almost makes Rose feel unsafe, and Rose hates it. She wants to feel safe around Cersei. She knows Cersei would never, ever harm her. Not on purpose. "What's on your mind, sweet girl?"

     Rose does not reply straight away. For a moment, she picks up the embroidery that she left abandoned in her lap. She grips it tightly. Her knuckles turn white, briefly, before she turns to lay it on the table. She stares at it for a moment longer.

     Finally, she speaks. "Do you ever wish you could leave?" she asks. Her voice is so soft that it's nearly a whisper, and Cersei struggles to hear her. "Sometimes... I wish I was a bird. I want to be a bird so I can fly far, far away from here. Is that strange? Don't you ever want to leave?"

     It startles Cersei, how sure Rose is about this. It's more of a question than a statement. She can tell that Rose has thought about this often, too often, and it almost frightens Cersei.

     The older girl reaches across to rest a hand on Rose's arm. "Why would you want to leave? We're together now. All of us. There's no reason to leave." Cersei tries to make her voice sound cheerful, bright and happy, but she doesn't do it very well. "You're a lion, dear. You can make the world bow down to you, if you want them to. Birds are weak and they run away from the fight. Lions like us are proud creatures, capable of fearsome things. You don't want to be a bird."

     Rose doesn't think Cersei understands. She doesn't want to be a lion. She doesn't want to be brave and fearsome and proud. She wants to be small and unnoticed. She wants to be able to run away at a moment's notice. The three of them can dye their hair and settle down somewhere with a farm or a small cottage, and they can just exist. They can be happy just existing.

     You can be safe if you're a bird.

     Somehow, though, Rose thinks Cersei would never be satisfied with just existing. She needs to be powerful. She needs to be above others. She needs to be someone in this world. Just existing will never work for Cersei.

     Rose doesn't say anything else.

⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆

     JAIME FINDS ROSE ON THE BATTLEMENTS THE DAY BEFORE HE IS SUPPOSED TO RETURN TO CASTERLY ROCK. He thinks, briefly, that she looks at the horizon as though it is a long-lost friend. As if it is a lover, and she seeks to be reconciled.

     As if she might jump to reach it.

     "Jaime," she says all of a sudden. It unnerves him, because he hasn't spoken, and he wonders if she knows him so well now that she recognises him by the sound of his footsteps. It unnerves him, too, because she doesn't call him Ser or Cousin. She is not one to do away with such formalities.

     She lives by them.

     When she turns around, her green eyes are glistening. Tears reflect the sunset in the distance, and all he wants to do is reach out and hold her close.

     "Jaime," she says again. Her voice is thick, as if she might cry. All at once, she looks like the trembling girl he found in the stables. Just that small. Just that scared. "Cersei says I should be a lion because we are fierce and brave and proud, but I don't want to be a lion. I don't want to be brave. I want to be a bird like my mother, because she's happy. Birds are happy, aren't they? I want to be happy. I don't want to feel like this."

     Her lower lip quivers, and she looks almost as broken as the night he found her in the stables. Tears stream down her face and her nose turns red, and he pulls her into his arms and holds her as tightly as he can. He never wants to see her hurt again.

     He's starting to think he has no choice in the matter. All he wants is to protect her.

     "There's no shame in being a bird," he says quietly. He lets her sob into his shoulder as he strokes her hair. This is the girl he loves, and her demons are consuming her, and all he can do is hold her close. As if that will fix what someone else broke."You can be a bird if you want to be a bird."

     LET ME FLY AWAY, she whispers, and he almost doesn't catch it. HELP ME FLY AWAY. MAKE ME A BIRD SO I CAN FLY FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HERE ...

⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆

     WHEN JAIME COMES TO VISIT THEM IN KING'S LANDING MANY MOONS LATER, he comes with news of his father's proposed engagement.

     Tywin Lannister intends to marry him to Lysa Tully of the Riverlands, having even gone as far as to invite Lord Hoster Tully to King's Landing in order to discuss the dower. Jaime is fraught when he tells them the news; he is the first of them to be offered up as a prize, for Tywin still intends for Cersei to wed Rhaegar Targaryen if Elia Martell dies, and he is still searching for someone worthy of his brother's eldest daughter.

     Cersei knows the feeling all too well. She has been paraded around court for years now, as if she is some slave up for auction, and she feels like one. She envies Rose's innocence, her anonymity; she is a Lannister, sure enough, but no one intends to marry her off to a prince. A great lord, perhaps. She remembers overhearing talk of offering a large dowry for Rose to marry a Hightower or a Florent, or even Stannis Baratheon, but nothing is certain yet.

     Rose has time that the rest of them don't.

     But Cersei doesn't know that Rose lost her innocence long ago.

     "Marry Jaime," Cersei suggests as they lie together that night. The window is open and the sea breeze is somewhat cold, but none of them feel the chill. The eldest Lannister girl traces shapes in the sweat on Jaime's skin. "First cousins marrying is uncommon but not unheard of. Our mother and father were first cousins, and they married for love. Marry Jaime, and perhaps my husband will die an early death, and you'll bring me to live at Casterly Rock. We'll all be together."

     "What will people say?" Jaime asks, brow furrowing. The idea takes root in his mind, and he likes it. He thinks that Cersei will deal with the difficult parts of the plan  ━  like getting their father to agree, getting Rose's father to agree to such a marriage  ━  but that it is possible.

     "Who gives a fuck what people will say?" Cersei replies. Her lips are twisted in a smirk. "We'll be together. All three of us. Nobody else matters."

     The pair of them turn to look at Rose. Her skin has drained of all colour, turned deathly pale. She looks as though she might be ill. "I can't marry you," she says quietly. Her voice shakes. She almost looks reluctantly, because logistically, she knows that marrying Jaime might lead to a happy life. She knows that he will be, by far, the best match she will get, for the Lannisters are the richest, most powerful family in Westeros.

     By all counts, it is the best for her.

     "I can't marry anyone," Rose says again.

     Later, Cersei will ask her why, but she already knows. Rose cannot bear children, for the trauma done to her young body was too much, but Cersei shakes her head. I WILL BEAR HEIRS FOR HIM, she says, like she is proud. THE CHILDREN WILL BE OURS. THE THREE OF OURS. They'll keep Rose and Cersei out of sight once Cersei begins to show, and make out that Rose is made ill by the pregnancy, and then she will emerge and it will be as if she birthed the children, not Cersei.

     Cersei is full of clever plans.

     She does not know that Rose will not be around to play a part in them.

⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆

A/N:  this chapter is highkey inspired by my favourite film in the history of ever, forrest gump. also, i hope i'm doing well at portraying the differences between jaime and cersei and how they both love her, but how they treat her mental health differently???