This chapter is a bit heavy for the first chapter of this book, but it's been on my heart to write this for quite some time.

Saturday, March 23rd, 2019 was a big day for me. I had an awards ceremony for a scholarship I received and I got an official acceptance letter to the school I will be attending in the fall. Everything seemed just fine. That day was looking to be one of the best days of my life, so far. It was just one of those really good Saturdays.

The next day, I went to church and work. Everything seemed perfectly fine. In Sunday school, we discussed some events that happened in the news and where God was in all of that. Little did I know that this lesson would be something I needed that very evening.

As I got off work and arrived at home, my parents were getting ready to leave. I questioned them about what was going on because, as far as I was concerned, we had nothing planned for the rest of the day. It was after six and I was quite ready for dinner. They told me to grab a quick bite to eat on the way to church. Why? We had an emergency meeting for our youth group. In my mind, I thought this meeting was about our plans for camp. Maybe we found a location and we needed to start fundraising ASAP. I assumed this meeting was centered around how we would go about that.

We got to church and something felt off. I was talking to one of my friends and she started telling me she was scared. I had no idea what was going on, but a handful of the youth group did. I was oblivious and told them not to tell me anything until our youth group leaders told us what was going on. I started to feel anxious and that feeling only built up as the clock ticked.

Finally, we went inside and got situated. Then, they started to tell us the news. The night before (March 23rd), one of our youth group members died. He took his own life, they said.

You know that feeling when you're in a rollercoaster and it's making a slow and steady rise up an uncomfortably steep slope. You read the top and the ride briefly stops. The world is still. You try to take in your surroundings before the cart tips over the edge and sends you plunging down a drop. Your heart stops and all you can do is scream and hope you don't fly out of the ride.

That's how I felt. I'm pretty sure I forgot how to breathe. My jaw hung open for as long as I can remember. The youth leaders said something else and the dam holding back every emotion within finally broke. I felt like I took that drop on a rollercoaster. I couldn't scream, though. I couldn't find a voice to, so I cried.

It took all of us some time to compose ourselves, but when we did, one of the leaders explained to us how close our friend had gotten to the Lord in the last few weeks of his life. He read his Bible every single day up until the end.

As I listened to that, my heart broke more than I thought it could. Confusion quickly replaced sadness and before I could ask questions, the Lord whispered something to me. I will never forget the moment. He told me, 'This is why you need to go.' I didn't know where He was talking about, but I didn't have time to ask that. My youth leader looked right at me and told me this was why I needed to go to the Christian college I wanted to go to. I never knew why that place was on my heart. I never knew why no one could change my mind. I never knew why it was me. It wasn't until that moment. God spoke to me and confirmed it all in a matter of seconds.

So where is God in tragedy?

He is right where you need Him to be. I can't speak for everyone, but He was right there for me. He caught me and sat me upright. He dried my tears and whispered those words into my soul. My soul knew it was Him and now guards those words in my heart. God is never far. It might feel like that, but He never truly is far.

I don't know who needed to hear this. I couldn't put off writing this any longer. It was hard writing this, but it's only God who gave me the strength to. I still have questions. I still want answers, but all in due time.